We’re Long Distance. She Says She’s Seeing Other People, But Asks What Are We?

Some things to consider if you’re going to date long distance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl from another country 4 years ago and they hooked up, but he went back to his home country. He just got back from a recent trip to see her. She says she loves him, but was going to continue seeing other people while they were apart and then keeps asks him what are they? He asks my opinion on dating long distance and how to maintain the attraction. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “We’re Long Distance. She Says She’s Seeing Other People But Asks What Are We.”

So this particular email, this guy, this is an interesting story. He met a girl four years ago, hooked up, and I guess he was only in town for a couple of days, then he went back to his home country. And then that seemed to be the end of it. Maybe they stayed in touch, he doesn’t really elaborate. But recently he says he just got back from seeing her again after four years. Spent a couple of weeks over there. They’re hanging out, having fun, hooking up.

And so he goes back to his home country. And now they’re long distance. And so they usually do like FaceTime dates. You can do Skype or any of the other video chats or zoom or whatever it happens to be. But this particular guy is doing video dates. He says they ended up lasting eight hours, but it was confusing to him. While they live apart, she’s going to continue dating other people. And then in the same breath, she’s like, well, what are we? And so he’s a little confused at how to handle this.

And obviously goes to show, especially if you’re going to date somebody long distance, that’s like, you know, a plane ride away many hours. Plane, trains, and automobiles dating long distance requires a different skill set. And ideally you should be seeing each other like once a month, every month and a half. One time you go to see her, the next time she comes to see you, it should be back and forth 50/50. The other person should be making the attempt as well.

But the other thing you got to consider if you’re going to date long distance, if you’re going to date somebody from another country, especially if you’re in the United States and have dated women from overseas like I have, you’re always going to have to deal with customs and In immigration, and one of their main focuses is to prevent people coming over and working illegally. It’s completely different than just walking across the border and doing all that shenanigans. That’s a whole other topic.

But when you fly into an airport internationally, you got to go through, you know, a maze of bulletproof glass, and then you got to get interrogated by the people there, and they act like immigration is a real big deal. But then again, if you walk across the southern border, they’ll give you a plane ride anywhere they’ll put you up on, they’ll give you free money. I mean, it’s a pretty nice deal if you when you think about it. But if you’re doing it legit, like I have with ex girlfriends I’ve dated from overseas.

Eventually, at some point, because the longer you date and the more trips back and forth there are. Especially when your girl comes to see you in the States. They start to scrutinize it a little bit and the Immigrations and Customs custom people and go. “I think you’re working here illegally. We’re not letting you in.” And then just make them hop on a plane and fly back. And so they have that ability to do that.

And so you just, you know, I remember myself, especially after dating a couple years internationally with the same girl, and then you come back from having a nice trip in Europe for a few weeks or a month or whatever. And you’re always wondering, “are they going to let my girlfriend through? Or are they going to kick her out and make her fly back?” Because they have the power to do that and there’s nothing you can do about it. And so if you’re going to date long distance and go through all those shenanigans, somebody’s going to have to move eventually.

And if you’re dating and you’re American, well, the only way to really have somebody stay here is either they invest half $1 million in a business and open a business in the States, or if they get a special work visa, meaning somebody gives them a job in an international job, or they hire them to come work in the States, or you have to get engaged, get a fiance visa, and then you got like 90 days basically to get married. And so if you’re going to date long distance and especially if you’re going to get into a committed relationship, what is the end game. What is your ultimate goal?

Because these are things you got to think about up front instead of just, you know, “oh, I’m hooking up with this girl on the other side of the world. We’ll just see what happens.” You should definitely be clear in your intent and know what you want, because it’s not easy. Especially when you really care for her. She cares for you. To date somebody that lives in another country, because you have to live underneath the immigration laws and the boot of the man, basically.

So this guy, it looks like he got together with a hookup and didn’t see her, didn’t talk much for four years. And for whatever reason, he’s gone Back, and now he’s kind of, “uh, what do I do?” But like I said, the reason why I brought up all those other things, you got to. If it’s just a girl or it’s just a fuck buddy. Friends with benefits, sex playmate. He has no intention of girlfriend, boyfriend or whatever. Then this could be a nice fling. He goes over there a few times, she comes over, it’s like, whatever.

But if you’re planning on dating longer with that, you got to think about these things. Is this somebody you want to be in a relationship with? Is this somebody you could see yourself having a family with? Because it’s ultimately somebody’s going to have to move if you’re going to stay together for a long period of time. So you have to consider all those things. And if you’re not considering moving for her or her moving for you or whatever.

As a man, the only time a man should move is if it’s he really wants to live in her country, and that’s a better outcome for him. Or he likes the area or whatever. Me personally, I’ve been all over the world and I found that there’s no place like home. There’s no I love the United States, Florida especially. It’s it’s better than anywhere. There really is no place like home. It is nice to travel, but if I had to be anywhere, I’d be where I am.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey, 

I met a girl about four years ago at an evening event. I asked her out for drinks after that and had sex the same night at her place until the morning hours as we just got along very well. After that I’ve moved back to my home country and just recently managed to visit her as she lives almost at the other side of the world. 

So it’s not like a 2 or 3 hour plane ride. If somebody’s on the other side of the world, that might involve a whole day of travel, meaning you might be on a plane, two different planes for 22, 24 hours. And it’s like, “pfft” so by the time you get there, you’re tired, you got jet lag. It takes you just two days to basically go from where you are to there and to maybe get rested enough. And then you got the time zone issues just before you feel good enough, like, “oh, okay, now let’s go out and do something.” So that’s a lot of, you know, that’s a lot of work.

So you’re not going to plan a weekend trip to fly like if you’re in the United States, fly all the way to Australia on a Friday and then think you’re going to come back Monday morning. So you’re going to have to go for an extended period of time if you really want to enjoy it and you want to spend some time together, it’d be different if somebody like out, you know, you live in Florida, you meet a girl in Atlanta and you’re going to fly to Atlanta. It’s half hour, 45 minute plane ride. It’s not a big deal. But what’s on the other side of the world that is a big deal. And you’re dealing with customs and immigration and all those shenanigans.

I’ve planned my trip textbook like for 8 weeks and just wanted to find out what happens. We started with one to two dates a week, had sex on the third date and at the end of the vacation spent almost the whole weekend together in a room. 

Obviously, I assumed they were having the Indoor Olympics, or maybe they were negotiating international relations, or it was undercover negotiations.

Since I got back to my hometown, we’ve texted daily and had some Skype calls and it is just confusing as now she mentions that she wants to see other people whilst we live apart and always asks me what we are? 

Well, it sounds like she’s being a little more realistic about the whole situation. Again, because she’s on the other side of the world. You don’t live there. What is the end game of this? If you were her, what would you want to do? If you were the guy, why would you commit to somebody on the other side of the world unless you’re really super into them, and just the fact that they hooked up for like one night basically when they met four years ago, and he has been back to see her since.

It’s kind of sounds like he didn’t have anything else going on in his personal life. And he thought, hey, let me go heat up these leftovers on the other side of the world. So if you can go four years without seeing the same girl, well, that after your one night stand or whatever, that tells me she’s really not that important to you. Maybe you just got a little desperate. You got lonely.

He hadn’t found anybody better. Maybe your list of some of the passport bro’s. So you thought I’ll go eat up some leftovers on the other side of the world and see what happens. So, realistically, you both should be dating other people because it doesn’t seem like either one of you really looks at this as this is the last person you’re going to date, or you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together.

I’ve never mentioned relationship talk and told her to just not complicate things to soon. 

So now she’s bringing up the issue. In other words, like where is this leading? And you’re just like, “oh, let’s not complicate things.” Well, I mean, you haven’t seen her in four years. And so if you were over there for several weeks and then you come back, I mean, if you guys read about 3% Man, especially like my English ex girlfriend, I was really into her. She was really into me. It’s like love at first sight. We just wanted each other and we wanted to be together. And after we spent that week together, at “A Date With Destiny”, I was still traveling.

And I said, when I get back, I’ll send you an email and let you know what my schedule is like, and then you can book a ticket and send me your itinerary and I’ll pick you up. So I continued on my trip after I left California. And then when I finally got back to Florida, I sent her an email. She looked up flights, sent me her itinerary, and I said, awesome, I can’t wait to see you. And then like two weeks later, she showed up. We didn’t even Skype or anything. It’s just she’s going to come see me. And I wanted to see her and she stayed that first time.

I think it was like 2 or 3 weeks. The first time she came over to see me and we were just always together. It was, you know, it was clear that I was really into her and she was really into me. It wasn’t just a booty call. If it was just a booty call and a hookup, we wouldn’t have spent very much time together. But we really cared for one another, loved one another, and we wanted to be together.

So I was very sure about her. She was very sure about me. And so that’s a completely different situation than this guy, which is he called it a booty call from four years ago and wanted to go see her. Like I said, it just looks like he got lonely and desperate and couldn’t find anybody else. So he thought, “hey, well, I hooked up with this girl once. Let me call her.” Or maybe he had a breakup. We don’t really know.

Is it a test or does she just want to be assured that I don’t see other people.

Well, again, it’s. You should be pretty clear. You either really want to date this girl or. Or you just want to keep her as a booty call. And if you’re saying things like, hey, let’s not complicate things so soon, well, that’s going to communicate to her that you’re just really not that into it. It’s like, “thanks for the free pussy. Have a great life.” You’re not really communicating that you have the intention of seeing her or being serious with her. And so if you spent eight weeks planning your trip out, and then you go over there and you spend a couple weeks, you have a good time.

Then she’s like, “hey, where’s this going?” And you’re like, “hey, let’s not complicate things.” It’s like, you can’t just evade that. The idea of what’s in The Book is that when a woman’s interest gets to the point where she wants to be in a relationship, she’s going to bring these things up and she’s going to ask about it. And you don’t just change a subject and ignore that. It’s, “what do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive? You want to be boyfriend girlfriend?”

You should have that conversation because again, she’s on the other side of the world. If she was in town, it would have been no big deal. It would just come up as a natural progression. But the fact that he’s responding to her that way tells me he really doesn’t care. He’s not that into it. Or maybe he’s kind of trying to be a robot, but if you are communicating like this guy is, he’s just communicating, he just doesn’t really care about her that much. And of course she’s going to go see other people and she should see other people because he’s really not that serious about her.

Is it a test or does she just want to be assured that I don’t see other people. I know that she doesn’t see other people but feel like there’s a lot of friend influences in the back, giving her stupid advice. She is 8 years younger and not very experienced with relationships. 

Again, if you guys are talking and texting this much and FaceTiming, “hey, when are you going to come see me?” It’s again when I’ve dated internationally. I don’t dick around, I don’t go, I’m not going to fly halfway around the world just to get a piece of ass. I would fly halfway around the world because I really liked the girl and really wanted to see her, and wanted to see where things went. I wasn’t like, “oh yeah, let me go get a booty call on the other side of the planet.”

And, you know, spend two days traveling to get there, two days traveling to get back because that’s not a good outcome. And so if you’re not really serious about the person, you don’t can’t see her as a long term prospect. And you should just be honest and just say, “although I like you and I think you’re great and we have a lot of fun together, I just don’t see logistically how this would work for both of us.

I’d like to just date casually, and if we’re both available and we can get together, it’d be wonderful. And if not, hey, that’s great too. If you meet somebody else, Hey, I’m happy for you.” If you really love somebody and you care about them, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. And so when you’re going to date internationally, you can’t just be dicking around like this guy is, and trying to leave things up in the air and brush it under the rug and not have a conversation about this.

Because this is going to be on her mind. If she likes you and she thinks there’s potential for a future, then she’s probably not going to want to see other people. But if you’re just treating it like a booty call, then hey, well, now she knows where she stands and she’ll act accordingly. So you can’t be vague in a situation like this. And again, if it’s been four years and you didn’t bother to go see her afterwards, that tells me you really didn’t give a shit.

When we last saw each other in person she said she loves me and that she has never felt that way before for anyone. That’s also a big thanks to your advice and me not getting caught up in my own negative self-taught, as it can be quite a mental conflict being alone in a place knowing nothing. During the trip I just followed the 3H’s Rule. Hang out, Have fun, Hook up rule, and didn’t get involved in any negativity. Which worked out quite fine.  I’ve just moved to Spain for a new job and think about the further steps on how to handle this situation.

Well. If you really do want to see her again, then when she asks you, “hey, where is this going? Or what are we?” Be honest, just say, “I really like dating you and seeing you.” But obviously we got the logistics. “Let’s get together again, let’s talk about, let’s spend some more time together.” That’s what you should be saying. So you should be making the next trip to either go see her or have her come see you. And it shouldn’t be something. “I’ll see you in six months.”

I personally would not date somebody if I’m only going to see them once or twice a year. You know that been a reason. Like my English ex girlfriend. One of the reasons we broke up is she was starting college and she was going to be fall, spring and summer semester, so we’d maybe have a couple of weeks throughout the year where we could see each other without her having to go to class or whatever. I was like, man, the logistics of that, it’s like, and where I’m at. I was starting a new business at the time.

It’s just it’s not going to work for, you know, because our lives have kind of changed over the couple years that we were seeing one another. She’s going to school. I’m starting a new business. I was completely out of Real Estate, what I was doing before. And I wasn’t in a place where I was ready to get married or wanted to get married. So we went our separate ways, even though we’ve always been close. She came actually last year and did some podcasts with us, because you guys always had a lot of questions about that.

It was really great to have her and everybody enjoyed the interviews, which are in the Members Area for all the paying members. But like I said, you got to be clear in your intent with something like this, dude. And so if you really like her, then your next move is just like the book says, create another opportunity for sex to happen. It’s like either she comes to see you or you go to see her. It shouldn’t just be up in the air and months roll by and you’re like, “well, I don’t know.

I’ll figure out what I want to do here.” It’s like if you’re not sure you want to see her again, then just tell her, “hey. We both should be dating other people. And when I get time, I’ll come by and see you again. Or vice versa. When you have time, maybe you come see me.” If you really like the girl, you’re going to want to see her as soon as possible. And if you don’t really give a shit, then you’re not going to want to see her. So don’t waste your time if you’re not really that into it.

My ideal would be just living in the same city and being able to get to know each other like normal people as I really like this woman. 

Yeah. If you really liked her, why did you wait four years to go see her?

She is waiting to get her papers for immigration to Spain and might come to work here for several years. Right now, I’m trying to just wait to hear from her and schedule FaceTime dates, which mostly end in a 3 hour call. 

Appreciate your thoughts. 

Best, 

Bob

Again, it’s like you got to be making the next plan to get together, just leaving it up in the air and hey, we’re going to have a a digital pen pal relationship. It’s like you’re wasting your time and you’re wasting hers. This is not logistically the right way to do it. You should be planning your next get together. And since you went to see her, you should be trying to get her to come see you. Even if it’s just a tourist visa for her to come and hang out in Spain with you for a week or two so you can spend more time together.

So that should be your priority. It’s a mistake to think you’re just going to spend months and months on end just FaceTiming and never discussing, coming to see her or her coming to see you and just leaving it up in the air because you’re asking her to put her personal life on hold and you’re putting your personal life on hold, which is just stupid. If you’re not willing to hop on a plane to go see her in the near future, or vice versa, then you’re wasting your time.

And so just be honest with her and just tell her you’re not there yet. But at the end of his email, he says he really likes her. It’s like, so make the next date get together in person. Because if you don’t do that and you think you’re going to spend the next six months, or the next year or the next four years just chit chatting until she gets her visa. I don’t see that working out, because if you like each other, you got to see each other in person.

You got to spend the time. If you both care, you’ll want to be together. And if you don’t, you’ll make excuses. It’s pretty simple. So that’s what I would do if I were you. Get on a plane and go see her, or have her come see you next. And don’t be dicking around. Don’t waste your time and don’t waste yours. If you’re not really super into it, then be clear about it.

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