Why asking a woman you are dating what she thinks of you will cause her to perceive you as being weak, lacking confidence, being approval seeking and not very attractive. What you should do and say instead to create attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been on a few dates with a woman who he met online. Things started off fairly well, but it is obvious he is allowing his fears and low opinion of himself to cause him to try too hard and to force things with her. He is texting too much and constantly seeking her approval. He actually asked her after their first date what she thought of him! He says that most of the communication is always initiated by him. She often stops responding to his texts and simply ignores him.
They have been on three dates. On the third date she came to his place to make dinner together. They made out at the end of the date as she was leaving, but no Indoor Olympics happened. When he reached out to her to set the fourth date, she told him how busy she was and had no time. He asks my opinion on what his next move should be since she did not offer a date that she was available.
I have a couple of face palms in this for you man. I met a girl online — really nice, and attractive. We were sharing texts, and everything seemed to be going okay. We met on our first date. It was quite rushed since I was running a bit late, and instead of having dinner, we just had a drink and chatted. The date went okay. At the end of the date we hugged, and she said, “Hopefully we’ll speak soon,” in such a way that I knew she was interested. You’d probably have to be there. A day or so later, face palm number one, I sent her a text asking her what she thought of me, saying, “I didn’t want to appear too keen, but wanted to know what you thought of me?” Dumb, I know, and I can hear your face palm from here. (That is approval seeking behavior, which will cause women to run.) She said she enjoyed our time together and was glad her first online date did not need the awkward balloon. At this point, we were not sharing a lot of texts, and it seemed I was initiating most, if not all, communication. (When you are in a fearful state, you feel like you have to force things and do too much.)
We set a second date for dinner via text. In between our first and second date, we were sharing some texts, and face palm moment number two begins here. I texted her, asking how the online dating was going, quickly followed by another text about how busy I am with work. (The phone is for setting dates only.) No reply. Big “doh,” I know. I didn’t follow up again with her after no reply, and when the day of the second date came, she texted me and asked what time we were meeting, confirming times with me. (The good news is, you hadn’t done enough to talk her out of liking you at that point.) We met for dinner on the second date. At one point on the date, I did ask her jokingly why she didn’t reply to my message about how online dating was going for her. She kept it quite light hearted, said it was going okay, but also made it pretty clear that she didn’t think it was an appropriate question and decided to ignore my text. Anyway, again the date was quite good. At the end of the date, we made out. (You redeemed yourself a little bit.) After the second date, I felt like I still wasn’t getting texts from her, and I was still the one doing the chasing. However, my texts were maybe once every few days or so, while she was obviously either busy with other dates/guys or did not seem overly interested. I didn’t want to appear too keen.
We set a third date, and she came to my place. (That tells me she has a high level of comfort, and sex is a possibility as long as you don’t talk her out of it.) I cooked dinner, and we chatted and seemed to connect well. I feel I missed an opportunity here, big time, since no S.E.X., but we did make out for quite a while just as she was leaving. (It sounds like you waited too long to make your move.) I asked her to send a text when she got home, so I would know she arrived safely, and I texted back to say I was enjoying our time together. However, no reply, so I left it alone for maybe three to four days. There were no messages from her either, which isn’t out of the ordinary. I’m certain there are other guys chasing too, and I didn’t see the point in being one of those, so I followed up after four days and asked her if she’d like to hang at my place on her next day off or hit the beach with me. (She’s acting like she has lots of choices and options. She’s only going to date the most confident and mysterious guy.) She said she was busy this week and seeing her parents on her days off, which was quite likely, to be fair. I sent what could be perceived as a quite blunt reply to that, “Okay, speak soon x.” I sent that a couple of days ago, and at this point, I’m kind of wondering whether I should pursue this girl or not even bother. (I would wait two weeks, and contact her one more time.) There are a lot of fish in the online dating world, but yeah, I kind of like this one. What do you think man? Should I pursue? (You never want to pursue. If you don’t hear from her in two weeks, contact her one more time.) And if I should, when? I do consider myself a good catch. (Then act like it.) I work out, I work hard, and I’m fun, confident, friendly and good-looking. I know I fucked up a couple of times, but considering how date three ended…thoughts? (You kept doing stupid things to put your foot in your mouth. You need to read my book 10-15 times and learn the fundamentals, because your game is just not tight.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When we do not think we are good enough, attractive enough or desirable enough as a potential lover for someone we really like, we often will do and say things to talk them right out of liking and dating us for good. This will manifest itself as texting too much, calling too much, talking about our feelings too much, making future dates while still on a date, asking them what they think of us, constantly trying to find out where we stand with them, etc. This will cause the other person to feel uncomfortable around us, lose interest, back away, friend zone us or start ignoring us completely. If you assumed that you are awesome, have a lot to offer someone and that you are a prize and a catch; you would feel no need to seek their validation, approval, acceptance or like you have to force your way into their life and heart. You would actually be focused on trying to determine if they are a good match for you and deserving of your awesomeness!” ~ Coach Corey Wayne