How and why women get turned off when men over pursue while dating.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a widower whose husband of 12 years was killed in a hit and run accident a year ago. She recently decided to start dating again and met a guy who seemed great at first. However, he started overpursuing and trying to be too forceful, controlling, and rushing the courtship to lock her down. She tried giving him feedback to slow it down, but he wouldn’t get the hint and back off.
Eventually, she broke it off after finding my work to help her explain to him why she felt the way she did. He obviously didn’t take it very well. She gives very specific clues as to how women feel when men behave this way and why it turns them off. It’s a great email for men to learn from, so as to not make the same mistakes. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
What I really liked about this email is you get to see things I talk about all the time in 3% Man, especially overpursuing. What’s interesting is, the Instagram reels I did that did so well, we were talking about this exact type of thing. It’s like, what happens when men overpursue? They call too much, they text too much, the woman tends to back off, and they call and text more. And the best thing to do is for the guy to back off.
And of course, if you go read the comments on this video that’s got over 800,000 views on it at this point, a lot of the women are in there saying, “Oh, it should be 50/50. This is not true. Don’t listen to this guy.” But yet, you look in the comments and all of the men are going, “Yeah, this is exactly my experience when I did exactly that.” So, the women are telling the guys to overpursue, and then you’ve got all these guys in the comments like, “Well, I’ve done that in the past, and every single time, exactly what Corey says is what happens.” And so, here, you get a woman who understands that, and she’s being honest, and it’s really nice of her to share this from her perspective, especially after going through such a traumatic event of losing her husband 12 years ago.
My husband of 12 years was killed nearly a year ago (June 20th, 2022) in a hit and run incident.
Well, I’m sorry about your loss. That really sucks.
I recently decided to be receptive to getting to know men with the potential of it turning into more.
Remember, women fall in love slowly over time. And notice what she says here, “I decided to be receptive to getting to know men with the potential of turning it into more.” How many times have you guys heard me say, women go out with the attitude of, “Hey, let’s see what happens? Is this guy good for me? Do I like him? Do we connect well?”
And yet, us guys are visual creatures. If she’s hot and we like her, that’s it. We’re already thinking about weddings, and what our kids are going to look like, and that kind of thing. We get all carried away on our visual emotions and this fantasy that we project in our head. Meanwhile, women are just take a lot longer to fall in love than us guys do.
Due to my loss and what I’ve been through, it’s even more important that a man let me set the pace and match my energy (at most).
As I talk about in “3% Man,” you’ve got to let women come to you at their pace. And if you don’t, you’re going to cause them to start to feel like they’re losing their freedom, and they’re going to bounce on you.
So, I met a guy about 6 weeks ago and was very open about what I needed.
So, she’s even telling him. But you’ve got to remember, this is a guy, like the rest of us, who’s been conditioned by society to be a certain way and show up a certain way, which is we’ve got a lock her down for somebody else comes along and rips her off. And that’s pretty much the archetype you see in all of the movies and TV shows.
Unfortunately, he came on way too strong and fast, while claiming he was glad, we were taking it slow.
Probably, in his mind, he thought he was taking it slow, but he’s driven by his emotions and he’s driven by fear. And this has probably happened every time he dated somebody he really liked, and it still hasn’t clicked with him.
He bought me anything I so much as mentioned and was over the top with compliments.
Yeah, the other thing is, what happens with guys that are like this, they’re way over the top with their compliments and everything else. And once they get comfortable in a relationship and the honeymoon period is over, if they even get that far, they back off and then they don’t do anything hardly at all. They stop dating and courting her, they don’t make her feel heard and understood, and eventually the woman loses all attraction and interest and respect for him.
And so, his behavior is just not natural. Like she said, it’s over the top. In other words, he’s trying to make up for what he lacks inside, which is confidence.
His feelings and expression of them rapidly grew stronger, with no concern for how I was feeling.
So, here he is, projecting his high interest onto her and only paying attention to that.
At one point, it became obvious he put me on a pedestal and seemingly projected his ideal onto me.
Yeah, he fell in love with the fantasy of who he wanted you to be, or who he hoped you would be. Meanwhile, he didn’t get any feedback, and quite frankly, didn’t care, because he thinks, “I’ve got to lock her down, or else I’m a loser.” Again, when you see this thousands and thousands of times, from the time you’re a little boy to an adult, where you better chase after that girl and lock her down, or else you’re going to lose her, you literally chase her right out of your life, which is what’s going on here.
He had a lot of good qualities and I felt there was potential, so I let him know a few times he was doing too much, and it was overwhelming. He said he would back off, but he didn’t.
No self-control. Again, that’s the opposite of confidence. He’s out of control. Feminine energy is chaos, and so he’s acting very effeminate.
He kept trying to help me (unsolicited), buy me things (I didn’t need or ask for), offer to come to my house to help out with whatever (I never let him know where I live), etc. I began to feel pressured or obligated to match his energy and reciprocate in ways I just wasn’t feeling.
Remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And she wasn’t feeling free, so she’s going to want to bounce, which is obviously, ultimately what’s going to happen.
I also felt as though he was trying to buy or bribe me into being with him, and I didn’t like it.
So, he’s making up for what he feels he lacks inside by giving gifts and things of that nature. A bribe for sex and a relationship. Again, this is right out of the book.
As time went on, he gave off more and more of a vibe of insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, and needing to control/force the situation. It felt like he was in a hurry to trap and cage me up before I realized… something.
Again, this is what TV and the movies show. But if you go back to the stuff made in the 40s and the 50s, it’s the exact opposite. The men are always going way slower than the women are. The women are thinking wedding bells, and babies, and white picket fences, and all of that stuff, and the guy is like, “I don’t want to settle down. I’m good.” And eventually, they reluctantly do in the end of the movie, obviously.
But these days, it’s the exact opposite. Women are the stoic ones going, “No, no, I’m good.” But of course, in the movie, the guy wins them over by, in essence, acting like a stalker. But in real life, you can see how it’s turning her stomach.
So, yesterday, I called and broke it off with him, which he didn’t take well at all.
So, it’s a good thing she never gave out her address and let him come to her house. It’s really super important the vibe that you’re giving off. That’s why you’ve got to make women feel safe and comfortable. And she did not feel safe and comfortable, because this guy was just not a centered dude.
But before doing that, I needed to find the right words to explain what was bothering me, and that’s when I found your videos. Thank you so much for putting this content out, because what you’re telling guys is spot on. Thank you for putting words to what I was feeling and experiencing. It really helped me decide what I wanted to do and what to say when I decided to break it off with the guy. I decided to keep it to the main issue, (I had several more by time I processed everything).
He asked if I wanted to still be friends, and I said no, (I knew he’d keep trying to move things where he wanted it to go asap).
So, he was thinking, “Okay, alright. I’ll be her “friend,” and then I’ll fly under the radar” and It’ll never stop. Because he doesn’t want to be friends. He wants a relationship. But he’s willing to take the demotion because he doesn’t love, value and respect himself, or his time, for that matter.
So, all of this is to say you helped me, as a woman, better understand and explain what I want in the dating stage and what will cause me to run.
Well, Jessica, again, sorry for your loss. And I appreciate you writing in, because there’s going to be guys who are going to read that letter and they’re going to go, “Oh, okay.” It’s going to click for them, and they’re going to think about all the times they went out with girls and treated them the same way this guy treated you, and they got blown off for exactly the same reasons. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.
So, there you have it, guys. You got, from a woman’s perspective, what happens when you overpursue. And go check out at the video on my Instagram. It’s also on my YouTube shorts. It’s got a ton of comments from men and women, everybody arguing, and it’s very informative.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur