This is a recent question from a client of mine who has purchased my book, but has yet to apply what he has learned. He fears what might happen if he actually started talking to women instead of being paralyzed by fear. People will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure. To him, the pain of rejection is more powerful than the pleasure of having one of the “fairest of the fairer sex” as his girl. Millions of guys will never do anything to change their situation with women because they let their irrational fears regarding rejection rule their lives. The good news is, you are obviously not one of them, because you are doing something to better yourself.
Here’s his email:
I appreciate your emails all about this relationship stuff, confidence, and this and that…but there’s just one problem. What if CONFIDENCE is as foreign to me as say, Chinese or Sanskrit writings? I see it every day, people brimming with it, and I’m seemingly the only one without it. I am truly invisible to the fairest of the fairer sex, and I have yet to see or believe concrete proof that radiating confidence will get me all, or most of, what I want. I’m not going to give you my life story Corey, but dammit, I am so sick of seeing others who deserve no more, getting all they want, all of the time. In fact, it makes me further isolated, and obviously depressed and feeling like truly ending it all to achieve peace. So answer me this, how come there are those of us out here who are ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots?” Is it destiny? Or is it fate and a strange illusion? Is there truly a way to turn it all around for real? Is it even possible for me to get what I want? I hope you have some ideas, because it seems like you know what you are talking about. Thanks!
Here is my response to his email:
This is a great topic you bring up. Human beings have two primary fears that they allow to keep them from taking action towards creating the life they truly want and deserve. Fear that they are not enough, (and don’t have what it takes to succeed), and fear that they won’t be loved. In other words, people would rather suffer than do anything to change their situation in order to avoid experiencing pain, (rejection, failure, looking stupid, etc.). People will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure.
So what is confidence? What is confidence, really? Confidence is the ability to do things easily and successfully that others perceive to be difficult and complicated. It’s not so much the absence of fear, as it is the ability to take action in spite of fear. Confidence comes from doing something over and over to the point it becomes routine. It’s not that you lack confidence with women. You simply lack the experience of having enough good interactions and successes with women, which would cause you to not have any, or have very little, fear of them. It’s not that you don’t have confidence. It’s just that regarding doing certain things in life, (being successful with women), you have a limiting belief that is stronger than your desire to be successful with women. Do you have confidence regarding knowing how to take a shower? Drive a car? Ride a bike? Walk? Breathe? Of course you do. Being confident with women feels no different than being successful at things we all take for granted. Well, if you want to be successful with women, you will have to talk to them and put in some practice at getting better. Repetition is the mother of skill. If you do not practice, you will not get any better. You will get no dates, and you will always be single. Your fear of rejection, etc. is an irrational fear based on a limiting and invalid belief system. The limiting beliefs are the variety of reasons you have given yourself over the years as being the source of your lack of success with women. Not good looking, not desirable, “I am truly invisible to the fairest of the fairer sex,” “those of us out here who are ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots.’ Is it destiny? Or is it fate and a strange illusion?,” etc. All you need is one yes from a very desirable woman, and everything will change. You’ve just got to get through the no’s first in order to find one who will say yes.
When you start talking to and approaching women, you will get all kinds of reactions: I have a boyfriend. I don’t have time for a relationship. You’re really nice but…etc. Some women will be warm and friendly towards you. Some will be cold and indifferent. Some will be shy and intimidated that you approached them. Every once in a while, you will come across a truly foul bitch who will treat you as if you have no right to even be speaking to her. It’s a numbers game. You’re going to get rejected. Occasionally, some women will be rude. Most women will be nice and friendly. A few of them will actually be glad you came over to say hi. It’s part of the process. All you need is one good one. However, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you’ve always got. Are you satisfied with that? I think not. Otherwise, you would have never written me to ask for help or purchased my book. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Start with small goals first, so you set yourself up for success. Just decide to go to a mall where there are lots of people, and smile and make eye contact with people for an hour. Maybe the next time you go to practice, add a “hello!” as you walk by. The time after that, maybe you ask the women you meet a simple question or opinion opener. Just go at your own pace. There is no race to the finish line. Be easy on yourself. You’ve got to walk before you can run. Winners never quit, and quitters never win.
“Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible — not to have run away.” ~ Dag Hammarskjold.
Go back and re-read the book, and apply what you have learned. You have to take action if you want your life to improve. Quitting or doing nothing is easy. Most people major in minor things in life. This is cake Tom. You can do this, and I am the guy who can help you make it happen.
From my heart to yours,
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur