What It Means When A Woman Uses Religion To Put The Brakes On Romance

How to respond when a woman uses religion to put the brakes on your romance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl online he really liked. On their 3^rd date she explained her religion to him. On the 4^th date they were making out and she stopped him and said she felt guilty and said they needed to slow down. After that he turned into a prude while trying to be respectful. After 3 months she ghosted him. He asks what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “What It Means When A Woman Uses Religion To Put The Brakes On Romance.”

Well, this particular email, this guy met a girl online that he really liked. And on their third date she explained her religion to him. I think he said she was a Mormon. And so on the fourth date they were making out very heavily, and then she stopped him and said she felt guilty and that they needed to slow down. And so he kind of basically turned into a prude after that and didn’t touch her. And because he’s trying to be respectful. And so after about three months of dating and it seemed like dates after that, they would hang out, but he wouldn’t make any kind of romantic move. And then all of a sudden she just ghosted him.

And now he’s like, what the hell? So the key is, if you’re dating a girl and she tells you about her religion, especially in the context, like she is in this particular guy’s situation, usually what it means is you’re coming on too strong, and it’s a way to get you to back off, make you feel a little bit guilty that you’re going too far or whatever. But the key, like I talk about in 3% Man, is that your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun, and to hook up. Not to get into a relationship, just to create the opportunity for sex to happen.

And so you shouldn’t look at something like this as an outright denial. You should look at it as a delay. Now, if a woman tells you to stop, you’ve got to stop, and you got to back off and you got to be okay with that. But it doesn’t mean that you give up. And that’s kind of what it looks like that this particular guy did. He’s been trying to be so respectful, but in reality, all she was trying to do was pump the brakes and he just took it as don’t ever try again. And then after that, because he gave up, basically she ghosted him.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Before the holidays, I matched up with this girl on old; we exchanged a few texts and met in person. What was weird is that we matched on two different apps – one during the Summer and another in the Fall. On the 3^rd date, she told me that she practices devotion at the Church of Latter-Day Saints and is a Mormon. I was confused because it allowed her to specify that on her old profile, but she put Christian down there. During our 4^th date, I asked her more about Mormonism and what it was about, and to my surprise, it was much different than what I anticipated as a Christian man. However, there was some common ground on the religious front, and I wanted to try it anyway because she had so many good traits that I was looking for in a significant other. After passionately making out in the parking lot.

Did I miss something here? Oh, so this is all still taking place on their fourth date.

After passionately making out in the parking lot she stopped and hugged me and felt guilty, saying, “I don’t do this with people I’m not in a relationship with.”

So she’s feeling a little guilty. The other thing that I, one of the things I say in The Book is sex has got to be the guys fault. And so therefore if she says something like that, and then you guys end up sleeping together, she can just say, “oh, it just kind of happened.”

I instantly stopped because I felt guilty about it.

Well, you should have stopped. You should have just slowed down. Listen to her talk and then pick back up making out. That way, if it’s your fault the sex happen, then she doesn’t feel guilty about it. See how that works?

She messaged two days later and told me that we were moving too fast, and she wanted to take things slower. She also told me that she was looking for a long-term relationship.

So the other thing that typically women say things like that, that you need to take things slower, probably because even that early on, she could tell that he was more into her than she was into him. And so he’s coming on too strong, trying to advance things a little quicker than she’s ready for. And because that can be confusing to a guy she says she wants to take things slower. And then at the same token, she says she’s looking for a long term relationship. And any guy is naturally going to go, “well if you want to slow things down, but you still want a long term relationship, how are we going to get there if you want things to go slower?” That’s what’s confusing to most guys, but you got to understand, what she’s really saying is you’re just coming on way too strong. You’re communicating too much interest, and that I’m too important to you, way more important to you than you are to her.

She left the country for Christmas and New Year’s, and we would sporadically stay in touch.

Well, it should have been mostly her doing most of the reaching out while she was away.

When she returned after being gone for 2 weeks, we tried to find time to be together, but I couldn’t because I was working some demanding hours – I’m a business manager of an MMA gym and work 6 days a week. She got frustrated and ended it with me. Three days later, I called her that night, and we talked on the phone.

So that kind of sounds like she’s a little impulsive. So they’re trying to arrange a get together after a couple of weeks, and then she just gets mad and breaks it off. That’s not a good sign.

I cleared up the confusion about the craziness of my work-life balance, and she got back together with me.

I mean, at what point did you guys become in a relationship? Meaning they were just kind of casually dating, and she said she probably didn’t want to date him anymore. And then she did when they talked.

While we were on the phone, I told her that I was looking for a long-term relationship and that she made me feel like a special guy, and I enjoyed being around her.

So he’s kind of pedestalizing her a little bit.

She agreed to be together and said we’d discuss various aspects once we took it further.

So again, you’re kind of communicating that you’re more serious about her than she is about you.

We hung out three more times; the 5^th and 6^th dates were so magical, and I was really beginning to develop feelings for her.

i.e. he started to become dopey and pedestalize her and see her as his future wife and girlfriend. And so he’s clearly focused on his interests and his feelings for her, but he’s probably completely ignoring the fact that she’s just not in the same place.

The conversations were so effortless; however, I didn’t passionately make out with her. I was being mindful of her boundaries.

So in other words, you hung out with her as just a friend, so you gave up, you took the delay. In other words, you were going too fast in the past and so because of that, you completely stopped all forward movement. And then you would go out on dates and just hang out, probably give her hugs at the end of the date and not advance things. So in other words, you gave up when she mentioned her religion. You have to have the confidence to still go for what you want.

Because oftentimes girls will say, “oh, I’m religious, I’m this, I’m that”, but they’ll still sleep with you. Or they’ll tell you that they’re really religious. No sex until marriage. But despite the fact they’ve had five previous boyfriends and had sex with all those guys. Again usually women will use religion as a way to keep a guy at arm’s length, keep him stuck in friend zone, keep them paying the bills, keep them taking her out, spending time and money on her.

On the 7^th date, she seemed to be mellow, and we hung out less than we usually do because her mom had just arrived from out of the country, and she had to go meet up with her.

So you made a date, she cut the date short to go do something else. So right there and on the seventh date, it’s pretty clear her interest is low and she’s thinking of dipping. As a matter of fact, she cut the date short.

We held hands and even kissed each other. She and her mother were going house shopping that weekend. I let her be, and we connected the following week. I messaged her later in the week and tried to get together with her, but she messaged me on Sunday, the day of the Super Bowl, to meet up that evening.

So it looks like at this point, he’s doing most of the reaching out and trying to get her on dates.

I had already made plans with my friend from work and offered to reschedule. She said she couldn’t do that and was going to New York. I told her I wanted to see her when she returned and said, “Sounds Good.” I told her good night and didn’t hear from her for a week. After 8 days of not hearing from her, I called her and went to voicemail. Ghosted. I’ve been heartbroken about this because I liked this gal. I wonder if there’s another man in the picture for whom she fell.

Well, the big takeaway is you changed your behavior because you were afraid you were doing things you shouldn’t have been doing. So it’s like you kind of turned into a prude there and backed off, didn’t really try to advance things because of what she said about her religion. But at the end of the day, if that doesn’t really jive with your values again, when a woman’s in love, none of that shit matters. She’ll go against her supposed religious values, but the beta male will shrink from that and no longer be courageous because he’s worried about upsetting her, or offending her. So, in other words, that is showing a lack of confidence. So again, a delay is not a denial. And that’s kind of where he went wrong. He took that as basically he should give up and stop trying. Stop trying to seduce her.

That is just because she tells you these things, you can take it under advisement, but at the end of the day, when you’re on a date, you’re trying to hang out, have fun and hook up. She could stop you. She could tell you that she feels guilty. But if she says, “well, no sex until marriage or anything like that.” And you don’t really want to wait until marriage, you’re going to say, “well, you know, I can appreciate your religious values are a little different than mine, but I’m not interested in no sex till marriage. If you’re telling me that if we date and we can only occasionally kiss and maybe hold hands, and we got to wait until we get married before anything else. It’s like, that’s not my value system, and I’m probably not going to stick around for that.”

So she could take it or leave it after that, but I wouldn’t agree. In other words, I wouldn’t change your perception and your values because you’re worried about offending her. At the end of the day, the woman is supposed to submit to you, not the other way around. And all she did was mention her religion one time, and then you turned into a total prude.

I would re-download my old apps and see that she was still on there throughout the time that we were talking. I checked recently and saw that she deleted both of her accounts. I never spoke to her about being exclusive because I was mindful of her boundaries (“Can we go slower?”)

Well, remember he talked about how they got back together, but they were just kind of casually dating.

And waited for her to bring it up. Maybe that was what she was waiting for. I’m open to any comments on this, as I want to grow from this experience.

Sorry for the long post.

Yeah, I’d say where you went wrong is that you got totally sidetracked when she mentioned religion. He thought, oh, I’m sorry, I don’t want to offend you. You should have been like, oh, well, that’s kind of cool. Well it’s great. It’s great that you’re a Mormon, but at the end of the day, you’re the leader. You’re the one with the penis. You penetrate her with your strength. You’re certainly not going to do it with a limp dick, or being a coward, or being too afraid to kiss her because you’re afraid of upsetting her. If you’re interested in sex and romance before marriage and she tells you that she’s very religious. But yet she still goes out on dates, well, you should take that as she’s open to being seduced, but obviously she can always stop you at any time in the process.

Remember, despite the fact she’s very religious, she’s still made out with you. And if we look back at what she said when they were kissing, she hugged me and felt guilty, saying, “I don’t do this with people I’m not in a relationship with.” So look at the statement. “I don’t do this with people I’m not in a relationship with.” Yet there she is, making out with you. It doesn’t make sense, does it? So what’s going on is she’s feeling guilty. And if she’s feeling guilty but she kisses you anyways, well, her supposed religious values, really, obviously, if we look at our actions aren’t really that important to her. But notice what he did. He says. “I instantly stopped because I felt guilty about it.”

See? That’s where you went wrong. Two steps forward, one step back. You encountered some resistance, and then you just gave up and then started acting like a nun, basically on a date. And so that changed your demeanor. You continue to pedestalize her, but you didn’t advance anything. It’s like you gave up. Maybe she got back together with somebody else or dated somebody else. But you shouldn’t let something like this cause, you know, when you get a delay in the seduction, you shouldn’t just give up. Because what happened was you basically submitted to her and what her values were because you were worried about her approval. That’s the root issue. You were too worried about upsetting her because you should have just again, continued to try to make dates that could lead to sex. And then she could say that she feels guilty or whatever. It’s like, “no problem.

You can blame it on all on me. But obviously when you were screaming my name last night out loud and all those other naughty things, you sure were enjoying it. So we can go to church. We can go to confession.” I mean, obviously she’s not Catholic, but you got to have some fun with it. But at the same token, I’ve seen guys do this a lot over the years. Is, “oh, she’s religious. I don’t want to offend her. I’m sorry, Your Highness.” And then they put her on a pedestal, and their whole demeanor changes after that. Everything becomes walking on eggshells because he’s too worried about upsetting her sensitivities, because he’s desperate for her approval. Instead of just having a “damn the torpedoes” attitude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.