What Should You Say When She Asks What You’re Looking For In Dating?

A great way to respond to women who ask what you’re looking for when you’re dating but unsure.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s in his mid 30’s and has been following my work for a few years. He just exited a decade long relationship after it turned toxic and she cheated on him. He’s obviously gun-shy about getting into a new relationship and isn’t really looking for one. However, he doesn’t know how to respond when women ask because he’s unsure of what he wants, but doesn’t want to appear indecisive and weak.

I explain why being open to falling in love and living happily ever after with the right girl is the perfect answer to flip the script so women try to lock him down to a commitment and he can say yes or no without feeling guilty. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular emailer, he’s in his mid 30s, been following my work for a few years and he says he just exited a decade long relationship after it turned toxic and she cheated on him. So you can understand he’s going to be kind of gun-shy. The last thing he’s probably going to want to do is jump right into a new relationship. He was with the same woman for 10 years, and at some point in their relationship, he came across my work. So now he wants to have some fun, play the field, apply what’s in the book, get better, learn to do a better job of vetting women up front so he doesn’t make the same mistake of getting involved with another woman who has character issues, because character is destiny.

Oftentimes when he meets a girl, especially like online dating, they’re like, “What are you looking for?” His attitude is, “I don’t really know what I’m looking for. I know I don’t want a relationship right now.” He doesn’t want to say something like that right away because it’s kind of a turnoff. Keep in mind, you want to create the conditions where she’s the one trying to lock you down. If the women that you’re talking to are ideally looking for a relationship down the road, but you’re not really open to it and you don’t want to waste anybody’s time, you can say something simple along the lines of that you’re open to falling in love and living happily ever after with the right girl. “I just got out of a 10 year relationship. I’m in no rush to jump into a new relationship. I want to take my time, I want to date, and I want to make sure that the next girl I’m with is the right girl for me. So I’m in no rush. Again, I spent ten years with the same girl, and we just got out of a relationship a few months ago. So I want to take my time and have some fun. I’m not in a rush, so I just want to enjoy myself. What about you?”

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Corey,

I’m a guy in my mid 30’s and I have been following your work for a few years and would like to hear your opinion on this question.

After exiting a decade long relationship one year ago I decided to not chase a new relationship. I have a stable life and don’t really need a girlfriend. My last relationship was toxic in the end, including me being cheated on, and that experience made me much more careful when dating. Now I rather want to explore casually what is out there with no obligations. I admit I am open for a serious relationship, if I find the right girl, but entering a relationship is not a priority.

So right there up front, he’s open to it with the right girl. That’s what he should just say. You don’t say you’re not looking for a relationship. You’re looking for the right girl. In other words, you’re open to falling in love and living happily ever after with the right girl. That should be the attitude, because you’re not committing to her one way or another, “Oh, I’m definitely looking for a relationship. I’m open to finding the right girl. I’m open to being convinced.” That kind of mindset puts women in the attitude of, “Oh, I’m going to make him mine,” versus the mindset that most guys are in, “I hope she likes me. I hope I can get this one. This girl knocks my socks off. I hope she chooses me,” which is a completely different attitude.

When guys are in that mindset, they’re seeking the woman’s attention and validation, which quite frankly, is acting like a girl. In order to maintain the sexual polarity, as I talk about in 3% Man, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed and ultimately seduced.

If you’re dating and you’re not serious with anybody, you’re going to come across girls that are like, “Hey, what are you looking for?” You’re not going to say, “I’m trying to fuck as many girls as possible, and I don’t want a relationship with anybody.” You’re not going to say anything like that. This guy is open to it, but after what happened, after being cheated on, he’s like, “I’m in no rush. I want to make sure I take my time and I pick the right girl. I want to find a girl that I can bring home to mom. Not the type of girl that I gotta hide from mom. So if you think you’re up for the challenge, I’m open to being convinced that you’re the right girl for me, even though we just met. We’ll see what happens. I’m in no rush. I spent 10 years with the last girl. I want to take my time. I want to get this right.” That’s the attitude you want to have and that just flips the script. It creates a conditions where they’re like, “Oh, I got to lock this guy down,” because most guys don’t have that kind of an attitude. Most guys are hoping a girl chooses them and pays attention to them.

My problem is that girls ask me, “What are you looking for?” And I’m not sure what to answer. I don’t want to come off as uncertain of what I want because uncertainty is the opposite of being masculine. I neither want to be seen as that guy who is only looking for hookups and scare some girls away.

I would just say what the truth is. “Hey, I’m open to falling head over heels in love and living happily ever after with the right girl. That would be wonderful. That would just be amazing. A girl that I can bring home and my parents will love and adore and say, ‘This girl is amazing. This is definitely somebody you should have a family with,'” something like that. That’s your standard. That’s what you’re looking for. You’re not going to settle down with the first cute girl that comes along. Again, you spent 10 years with the same woman, so you’re in no rush. You want to take your time and see what happens, see where it goes.

Nowadays, when dating is so hard for guys, I want to keep as many options open as possible. In other words, I want to date both the girls who are looking for short-term fun and also girls looking for long-term relationships and then let our dating evolve naturally.

Yeah, he wants to grow the practice squad, and not everybody makes it to the active roster. So he’s going to be churning and burning on on the practice squad. If you tell them what I said, it’s like you’re being congruent with what you want. In other words, with the right girl you’ll definitely settle down, but until you find the right girl, you’re a free agent and you’re not going to settle down with the wrong girl.

Again, you want to have a girl you can bring home to your family and they’ll be proud to see her on your arm. Not some girl that’s a train wreck and scares your family and that you got to hide from them. You want to find the right girl for a long term relationship, but you’re in no rush to make that happen. Let them be the ones that are convincing you why you need to choose them, instead of having the same attitude that almost 100% of the guys are going to have, which is, “Oh, I hope she likes me. I hope I can get her. I hope I can get her to choose me.”

What should I say to girls about what I want, to stay in a masculine frame and also not burn any bridges?

Thanks in advance!

Bob

Again, just like what I said and honestly what you’re looking for. “I’m open to falling in love and living happily ever after with the right girl. That’s the qualification. If you think you’re up to the task, I’m excited to see what happens. Let’s see what you got. Give me your best shot, baby.” Have that kind of an attitude. That’s that’s what you want to have. This mindset lines up with the philosophy that’s in 3% Man. It’s much better if women think that they like you more than you like them.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So you’re basically laying it out in front of them saying, “Hey, I’m open to living happily ever after,” without saying it to her directly, so she can say, “I’m going to be that girl. I’m going to be the one that he lives happily ever after with.” That’s what you want. That’s the attitude that you want. Then she’s trying to win you over, versus you trying to convince her to date and sleep with you, which is the mindset that most guys have. That is the reason why most guys are not very successful, and they often settle for somebody that doesn’t really do it for them because they give up on what they really want.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.