What To Do When She Complains You Don’t Contact Her Enough

What to do when she complains you don’t contact her enough to prevent over pursuing.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email success story update to the previous newsletter titled, “Masculinity Is Calm.” He shares an update and what he did when she started doing 100% of the pursuing, but then started complaining that he didn’t contact her enough. However, he was worried about contacting her too much and shares how he dealt with pauses in her communication and her backing off without coming unglued and pursuing her too much. It’s a good email to help you find the balance between pursuing too much and not enough. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter in the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, What To Do When She Complains You Don’t Contact Her Enough.

Well, this particular email is a follow up to the video newsletter I did last summer, summer of 2023 called, “Masculinity Is Calm.” And so, this guy sends an update, and what he started doing when she started doing 100% of the pursuing. And what happened was that she started kind of complaining that he never reaches out.

And because as I talked about in The Book and in countless videos that I’ve done over the last 15 years, I’ve been making YouTube videos, is that most women, normal, healthy women will do this, as you transition into a relationship, as you go from seeing each other maybe once a week in the beginning, and then after you sleep together, usually the woman starts reaching out.

And then by the time you get to week six or week seven, she’s bringing up the exclusivity talk. And by then you’re pretty much going to be at her house at night, or she’s going to be at your house. And so, you’re always going to be seeing each other.

And when you’re in that place, your girl is usually going to be calling you, texting you, FaceTiming you 2 to 3 times a day anyways. So there’s no reason and it’s totally counterproductive to reach out. But occasionally women well notice that, “Why am I always the one reaching out to you? Why do I always have to call you first? If I didn’t call you or text you, you probably would never reach out to me.”

And you want to joke around and laugh and tease like, “Babe, but you love reaching out. And quite frankly, I love seeing your name pop up on the phone. It’s a great surprise because I never know when you’re going to call me or text me. It’s never at the same time. And it’s always a beautiful, beautiful surprise. So I always look forward to it.”

And when most women you know, you’ll have a laugh about it, and then she’ll just keep pursuing you and won’t say anything about it. But what if she brings it up 3 or 4 times over the course of a month or two, and is kind of irritated about it? Well, in that case, then you want to make a little bit of an adjustment to where you’re going to reach out to her once a week in an unexpected, unpredictable, and a different way every week.

Because what she’s really saying is, “You don’t reach out at all. And that kind of makes me feel like you don’t care. So if you did care, I’m going to give you this feedback, and you will do something that makes me feel like you care.” And so, he’s modified his approach a little bit, and he kind of details what he did specifically and how well it worked for him. Because this does come up sometimes, with some women.

You will have to reach out once a week, but most of them you’re going to be fine. You’ll be able to get away with this. But, you know, obviously one of the things he’s worried about is, he wanted to stay in the sweet spot between pursuing too much, and not pursuing enough. And so, in this case, it’s an issue of not pursuing enough. But also he’s remembers how things were in the past when he over pursued. And then, when he over pursued the girl, just like the video newsletter I did yesterday it’s like, never.

It’s too busy. Never. He’ll never make time for you. So you don’t want to fall into that trap. Especially when a girl is like, “You got to do a good morning text.” And it’s like, then that’s boring. “I would never agree to that because I don’t want to have to send a good morning text every morning. And quite frankly, I don’t want a good morning text from her every single morning like a robot. I want it to be fun. I want it to be unpredictable.” And if you want to say good morning, then say “good morning.”

If you want to say good night before you go to bed, say “good night.” I don’t want to be obligated to every single day get up.” And my first thing is I have to text the girl I’m dating or my girlfriend or my wife. “Hi, how are you? Good morning.” Whatever. You just, you don’t have to have to do those things all the time, because it becomes boring. It’s like sending a dozen roses every day. Well, first couple days it’s cute. But after a week of sending a dozen roses every day, she’s going to get annoyed because she’s going to have roses everywhere. And so scarcity creates value.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach Wayne,

Thanks so much for reading my email. Thanks to your principles and books I continue to make great strides in my relationship. I review the book monthly especially the 10 disciplines of love and the how to communicate effectively with my girlfriend.

This is one of the reasons why things are going well. He’s continuing to go back to The Book, and refresh his memory. Because remember, every time we watch a movie or a TV show, what happens? We’re getting presented with an archetype that basically is teaching us guys to act like chicks, and it teaches the women to act like men. And whatever you observe, you’re going to participate in.

And so, if you’re only consuming content or propaganda, if you will, that basically teaches you, as a man to act like a girl. Over time, that’s going to have an effect on you. And so, even though you might know this stuff really well, as the years go by, you know, when you never go back to it, you don’t realize how much you slip up because it happens very slowly over many months and years. Until one day you wake up and your girl is leaving you, or she served you with divorce papers and you didn’t even see it coming.

The tell me about your day and don’t leave anything out has worked very well.

That’s one of the best. Like when you come home, the best things you do is like, “Hey babe, how was your day?” Or “Hey, tell me about your day. What did I miss while I was away?” Or, you know, if she’s a stay at home mom.

I have used that during a couple of disagreements we have had, and it has made us stronger. I wanted to share one more recent success story of reaching a true state of peacefulness.

Yeah, because part of the beauty of getting in the zone, or the sweet spot between pursuing too much and not enough, is that you feel a tremendous sense of peace and certainty. And quite frankly, your girl becomes as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and set in the West.

You know exactly what she needs. You know how much attention to give her and how much you can spend on your own life and your own projects and your other things without her getting pissed off that you’re not paying attention or you’re not being present as Giselle said about Tom Brady and one of the reasons why she left him.

You’ve got to date and court your wife and you’ve got to be present. You got to make her feel heard and understood. And if you don’t do one or both of those things consistently, eventually some other guy is going to come along and date your girl for you. And I believe Giselle is now dating her jujitsu instructor.

This happened a few weeks ago. My girlfriend does about 99 percent of text and phone call initiation during the day with me.

Which is normal. A normal, healthy woman will do that.

Per your advice and after she complained a little of her calling me all the time, I will do it first randomly one or two days a week via email, a phone call or the post it notes. and snail mail.

In other words, he writes her a nice little card. Just, “Hey babe, hope you have a great day. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.” That’s it. Because that when she receives that randomly in the mail, she’s like, “Wow, my boyfriend, my husband, was just thinking about me and thought enough about me to go to the store, get a little card, write something sweet in it that he loves about me, and send it out.”

That’s what she wants. When she complains that you never reach out, all she’s really saying is, “Hey, I’d like to feel your presence. Hey, would like it if you reached out to me a little bit more. Hey, I would like it if you made an effort to make me feel special that you care.” And so, she tells you that. And she complained about it several times. He’s like, “Okay, it really is bothering her and I will do it.” But he does it his own way, in his own time and his own method.

And so, once or twice a week he shows her that he cares. Whether it’s a phone call, a card in the mail, a random email, a text, a FaceTime call, a post-it note stuck to the visor in her car, or when she opens up her medicine cabinet, stuck there. “Have a great day, beautiful! I love you.” Whatever.

There are some days where I don’t hear from her first or it is later in the day.

And so, here it’s like, how do you keep from falling under “The Illusion Of Action” when you’re starting to reach out? Because then you don’t want to get in the situation that a lot of guys get in, which is, the woman starts backing off more and more. And then the guy starts to pursue more and more. And then what happens is after a couple of months, the guy’s doing 100% of the pursuing, the woman is doing none of it.

And all of a sudden now she’s too busy to see him. And that’s obviously this guy’s fear. Because like me and probably like most of you guys that are watching this, he’s guilty of over pursuing and chasing women out of his life. And so, it’s the sweet spot. And when you’re in the sweet spot, you feel certain, you feel calm. You know, even if you don’t hear from her for a day or two, she’ll be back. Just like the cat. You have to let her have that space.

Because if you freak out and then you don’t hear from her for a day, and then you start calling and texting, what you’ll notice is the weeks go by. She starts calling and texting less, and you’re doing more and more of it, and then you start getting the, “I’m busy. I don’t have any time this week. Oh, my schedule is crazy. Work is crazy.” You get stuff like that. Because if a woman is chasing you, she’s not dumping you. She’s not getting rid of you. She’s not blowing you off.

When this happens I normally and immediately go to the worst-case scenario that her interest has dropped, and my thoughts go into panic mode.

Which again, this is the “Illusion Of Action” speaking, because as guys, we’re driven to fix things, we’re driven to do things, we’re driven to take action. But when it comes to creating attraction with a woman, it’s our inaction and our indifference to her being in our life a lot, or being in it a little, that really turns her on for us. In other words, we’re not coming unglued because we don’t hear from her for a day or two.

As a matter of fact, a nice, strong, centered, masculine man is actually being glad to have a day or two where he doesn’t hear from his girl, so he can focus on other priorities. Go see your mom, go see your dad, see your relatives, hang out with your friends. Go to the gym. Take some time for yourself. Clean out your garage. Work on your car. Mow your lawn, not your neighbor’s lawn, your lawn.

Fortunately, I have not acted on these irrational fears and just let my feelings play out. My inner peace finally happened about a week ago when I did not hear from her first and not for several hours.

Yeah, because her behavior changed. All of a sudden you’re like, “Oh, she didn’t call me like she normally does.”

Rather than panic I steeled myself to again remain calm and do nothing. Finally, my mind went a ha. I don’t need to get all worked up and insecure. I rode it out and did nothing and let her come to me. Now when it there are gaps in communication etc. I don’t panic or give it a second thought and go about my business until I hear from her.

Because the fallback in The Book is always, “Well, if a week goes by and you haven’t heard from her, she’s probably upset.” And so, again, in this case, because she’s complained about it several times and he’s recognized correctly that it’s really that important to her and it makes her feel like he doesn’t care, or doesn’t care enough when he never, ever reaches out. And so, he modified his approach a little bit correctly. And once or twice a week he will reach out in a random way.

And so, with that in mind, he can apply what’s in The Book to his situation because his girl is a little bit different. Most women, most normal, healthy women are going to let you get away with them doing 100% of the pursuing. Because again, they’re just going to be all over you like white on rice. They’ll be stuck to you like a sucker fish, to the point where you’re going to be wishing you had some time and space away from her to do your own thing.

And she’ll be begging you and complaining that you’re not having enough sex with her. Which is the best place to be as a man. How many guys have the problem of their girlfriends or wives desire sex more than them? Most men, it’s a complete opposite. But for us 3% dudes, it’s a way of life. It’s the way it should be. It’s our birthright.

Because that is a compliment to us that we’re doing everything right. If our woman is constantly wanting our attention and constantly wanting sex more than we, then that means we did a good job. That means we’re making her happy. That means she hungers for more of us, more of our strength and our presence and our hot beef injections.

Thanks to your book and video newsletters I am making huge strides but always seeking to win the day and be better.

Thanks again,

Bob

Well Bob, thanks for that email. It was a good email for helping guys in this situation kind of, you know, tweak their approach to find that that sweet spot. Because as a man, you’re going to feel most confident when you’re in the place that this guy is because, again, masculinity is calm. And if you got this to the point where your girl is totally predictable, as the sun coming up in East and set in the West. Your woman is going to be a net positive in your life.

You’re going to become more successful because you have peace in your life, and then you have the time and the energy to focus on things that are most important to you your mission, your purpose, things of that nature. Because you know that when you get home at the end of the night, your girl is going to jump in your arms and you’re like, “Hey babe, how was your day?”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.