This is a great question from another client, as it deals with the overwhelming emotions of attraction guys face when dealing with a super hot woman that they perceive as their ideal. These types of emotions can be totally overwhelming and cause a normally confident guy to turn into Gumby and lose his nerve.
First off, I’d like to say thanks for the insights from your book. I used to be a geeky kid in high school, and through college learned to develop myself and grew into myself. My question comes from the troubles I’m having with a single girl, as I assume most questions fielded to you are about. I am a good looking guy and get complimented on it all the time. I am confident from applying a lot of what I’ve learned, and I very easily mingle with girls and get plenty of “action.” Unfortunately, there is this one girl. She’s a little younger then me. I’m 22, and she’s 20. She’s gorgeous, and all my friends think so too. There are always guys going after her under the guise of being her friend. I do not know her as well as many of them do, due to the fact I haven’t known her more than a couple months. When I’m around her, I get all twisted up and freeze, going back to my old ways. I feel like I could approach her, but when she’s around I just blow it usually. How can I stand out more to her, and get her attention?
Here is my response:
Nice to hear from you. A key thing to remember from my book is that you never give a woman more attention or focus than she has earned. You want to treat them all the same. A guy that has lots of women in his life has lots of choices. Women throw themselves at him often, and he gets to decide who he wants to be with. He does not chase women, because he is used to them chasing him. Think of it this way. Whenever you have been with a girl for a while, at some point you will get bored and tired of her. No matter how much you may love a woman you have been with for a while, at some point you will get bored and tired of her. It does not mean it will stay that way, but it just happens sometimes in relationships. That’s why, if you have a busy career and life, a few days apart will enable you to miss her, and therefore build the desire to see her again. It’s the same with eating at your favorite restaurant. When you eat there every day, after a while you get tired of it. Maybe you eat other places for a few days, or even a week or more. Then after some time away, you go back to your favorite restaurant, and it’s like the first time all over again.
You’ve put this girl on a pedestal, and she has not earned it. So what does being bored with a girl you have been with a while have to do with a girl you have not dated yet, and how can it help you? Simple. Treat this girl as if you are already bored with her. Contemplate how you would feel and the things you would say if you were no longer really interested in her. If you were tired of her. If you found her boring. That will help you deal with your intense feelings of attraction and slow things down a bit for you when you are around her. The next time you are around her acting and feeling bored, just say to her, “Hey, whats your phone number?” Look her in the eyes with your phone out and WAIT for her to respond. Do not say anything else until she gives it to you or says something. You are doing two things. 1) Being direct and confident so that she will give it to you, which is attractive to a woman. 2) By being silent and waiting for her to respond, you are gauging her interest level in you. The quicker she gives you the number, the higher the interest level in you. The more she stalls or asks why you want her number, the lower it is. More than likely, she will just give it to you. Then a few days later you can text or call her and invite her out for a drink or coffee. Make definite plans to meet somewhere — no call back to verify, etc. It’s more casual than trying to arrange a date where you pick her up, and it involves less risk on your part. Plus, it will be easier for you to do. You’ve known this chick for too long without taking any action. It’s time to find out, one way or another, if you’ve got a chance, so you can move on if need be. Attraction is not a choice. A woman either finds you attractive or she does not.
Another thing that will build your confidence is, your friends are trying the “friends first” approach which gets them nowhere. They obviously don’t know the things you do after reading my book and these newsletters, so keep that in mind the next time you see this girl.
Try it out, and let me know what happens.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur