What to do when your girl goes psycho, becomes angry, overly emotional or abusive, so you can calm her down and talk things out in a peaceful, healthy and loving manner. Why Love is allowing.
In this video coaching newsletter, I interview Ashley Ayurveda, and Dr. Dominick D’Anna, in a follow up interview to last weeks video interview that I did with them titled, “Why Younger Women Date Older Men.”
They answer questions from the haters and doubters, as well as the sincerely curious, as to why they really broke up, what her parents think about her dating a man twice her age, why men should pay on dates and how to communicate in a rational, healthy, calm, peaceful and loving manner when your girl goes psycho. How to have loving breakups if you eventually decide to date other people.
COREY: We have a bunch of questions we wanted to ask because after the video we posted the other day, people had some questions. As I talked about in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” you can actually end a relationship healthfully, not full of anger, resentment and hate, cursing each other out, keying each others cars, doing and saying shitty things.
DOMINICK: Or kicking the door in. I’ve got one of those.
COREY: You can actually still love somebody, support and care about them and be excited about who they’re dating next or future relationships they get involved in. I know that’s hard for a lot of people, especially looking at the comments. They think, that’s a bunch of bullshit.
I’ve got a bunch of questions I was going to go through first, and then we’re going to get into the topic of what to do when your woman loses her shit and how to handle it as a man — how to stay centered in masculine energy.
Most people have never experienced a relationship ending…
ASHLEY: A healthy breakup.
COREY: Yeah, a healthy breakup.
DOMINICK: Right now in live time, that’s what’s happening.
COREY: And most people watching this have probably never experienced that themselves, and they probably don’t know anybody that’s gone through a healthy breakup, even though I wrote about it the book. And a big reason why I was glad that they wanted to come on and talk about something that’s so intimate and personal with them is because they have literally have just gone through this process of being in a monogamous relationship for several years, transitioning out of that into friends with benefits, into now just supporting each other, and now they’re both dating other people. So, you can actually see the vibe, the energy and how they’re relating to one another.
DOMINICK: It’s still fresh. It’s only been about two weeks.
COREY: One guy was commenting all over the place, and he says, “Ask them why they didn’t say the reason why they broke up, instead of pretending everything was perfect,” which obviously they didn’t. This particular guy, you can go and see the comments there. He says he’s engaged, and he’s got a fiancee.
Just from reading his comments, he sounds like he knows my work fairly well, but obviously for him, he has bought into what society has told him, that you’re supposed to find one person and spend your whole life with that person. And if you don’t stay together, you’re a loser and a failure basically.
DOMINICK: I’ve failed a few times, so I’m a repeat offender.
COREY: To me, that’s polarity consciousness — us versus them. It’s like, my way is great, and everybody else sucks. And that’s how this guy is seeing the world. So, if your relationship was so perfect, why aren’t you guys still together?
DOMINICK: Well, I like the idea of the person that left the message that there’s “the one.” I like that idea. You find the one, you’re done. You can just love each other, support each other, grow old together. You have babies together, grand-kids together. I mean, doesn’t that sound romantic? Doesn’t that sound amazing?
COREY: It’s a nice fantasy.
DOMINICK: It’s a fantasy.
COREY: But it’s not my idea, and it’s not your idea.
DOMINICK: Let me tell you, what’s the divorce rate, 60-something percent? So, when for the majority of people that doesn’t pan out, can you say that maybe there’s a problem with that philosophy? And if that works for you, you have that relationship, hats off to you man. You’ve been blessed, and run with it man. But for so many of us that despite our best efforts, it hasn’t happened.
So either you’re going to say I’m a piece of shit or something’s wrong with me, or you’re going to say, hey maybe we’re all learning and growing and what’s right for me at one time isn’t necessarily right for me now. And that’s okay.
ASHLEY: And I said in the last video that we allowed our relationship to evolve, so we learned a lot together and we grew a lot together. I think what we needed to learn from each other, we’ve learned. So now it’s time to move on. We also both want different things, so what we want for our futures don’t align.
DOMINICK: And it’s pretty typical for people in a relationship where there’s a big age gap. I have kids…
ASHLEY: And I want kids. I want to be pregnant.
DOMINICK: Ashley wants kids, and I’ve taken interventions to make sure that I don’t have kids. You feelin’ me?
COREY: A surgical intervention.
DOMINICK: I love kids, but I don’t want to go through that baby thing. And Ashley is an amazing human being, and she wants babies. So rather than trying to control that or manipulate that in some way to serve me, I love her so much that I want Ashley to have what she wants. And if you really do love someone, you put their best interest at heart. You put her needs ahead of your own.
COREY: Love is about giving anyway.
DOMINICK: Love is allowing, and I want her to have what she wants. So, now we’ve been apart for about two weeks where there’s been no, anything that would look like…
COREY: No hanging out, having fun and hooking up?
DOMINICK: No kissy-face or huggy-bear of any kind.
ASHLEY: No holding hands.
COREY: Even though the other day we went to lunch, and she did grab his hand and go, oops!
ASHELY: We were walking, and I had that natural instinct to grab his hand.
DOMINICK: Yeah, when you’re with someone for two and a half years, you’re used to cuddling, you’re used to hanging out and kissing. And we went from that to within two weeks, we just made a switch. I want to have more of what I want, and we’re supporting each other moving forward.
ASHELY: But we’re also still around each other, so it just takes time to get used to the new normal.
DOMINICK: And rather than being selfish about it, to just level with you guys, we work in the same office. She looks good. She walks by, and if you don’t want to grab a handful, you’re full of yourself. But that would be being a selfish asshole, and I don’t want to make it about me. I want to have Ashley be happy.
As a man, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing Ashley happy. And if I could translate it to other things, just like sex, when you’re with your woman and you know you’re lighting her up in the sack, to me that’s a turn-on to know that I’m doing a good job, and I can make my woman feel amazing.
Well, it’s the same energy in seeing her now move forward in her own life. Seeing her happy, that lights me up. Even if it’s her being on the phone with a man that she’s really excited to connect with and chat with and get to know, because that’s my purpose as a man. If I can make her happy, I feel fulfilled.
COREY: So after your [surgery]… after you did that, I remember Dominick telling me that Ashley is like, “Well, I still want to have kids, so I’m [out].” But, despite that, she still continued to call and come over.
ASHLEY: Yeah, because I love him.
COREY: Exactly. And then she’d go out on dates and be like, “This guy was an idiot.” She was like, “Can I come over?”
ASHLEY: It’s hard. I feel like I’ve been spoiled with him because he just treats me so well and he knows my love language. And every day, he’s so supportive of me and brings me up.
DOMINICK: It makes it hard to leave.
ASHLEY: I got nine out of ten in the relationship, so…
DOMINICK: What do you mean nine out of ten?
ASHLEY: Like, you were nine out of ten.
DOMINICK: Ten being show up…
ASHLEY: Exactly like what I need and want.
COREY: So if you hadn’t gotten your nuts neutered, you’d be a ten out of ten.
DOMINICK: I’d probably have a rugrat right now.
COREY: But they’ve been exercising self-control for a couple of weeks.
DOMINICK: Well, we did the friends with benefits thing, and that was fun…
ASHLEY: But it kept us from moving forward.
DOMINICK: And at the end of the day, you would feel there were certain frustrations in the relationship that would come up with each other, and then we would just sit there and kind of think about it for a second. I said, you know, I’m not really frustrated at the fact that we’re not being intimate the last couple of days. I’m really frustrated at the part — whatever it is.
Like for you, you wanted to have a baby, to get pregnant and have that kind of relationship. But yet, you’re with me. And while all these other needs are met… let me tell you if a woman wants to get pregnant, she’s getting pregnant, either from you or from somebody else. That’s a big biological motivator. And if your relationship doesn’t have that, then what we found is that there was…
ASHLEY: Other things bubbled up. Symptoms bubbled up from the root issue.
COREY: She’s great with your kids, right?
DOMINICK: Oh, my kids love Ashley. They like her more than they like me. So even though there’s a lot of things there, like Ashley said, a nine out of ten, everything’s there. But that…
ASHLEY: That’s a big thing that’s not there.
DOMINICK: It isn’t going to work out. I love her, and we did the friends with benefits thing, but that didn’t pan out long-term, because then we found that we were getting annoyed with each other, because of those underlying needs weren’t being met. You know what Ashley’s are, and I had mine as well that were being withheld, because she wasn’t getting what she wants. So it starts creating problems.
So we explored that, and we realized what works and what doesn’t. And now, I love her enough to let her do what she needs to do.
ASHLEY: To let her go.
DOMINICK: To let her go, yeah.
COREY: The new guy that you’ve been out with a couple of times, what were you saying? That there are a few things he’s not doing that Dominick is amazing at? Talking about love languages.
ASHLEY: Yeah, the love languages. Because my love languages aren’t being met. My love languages, the two that are strong for me, are touch and words of affirmation. Also gifts, because I love getting flowers.
DOMINICK: I bought her flowers all the time. And how often did I tell you how beautiful you are and how pretty you are?
ASHLEY: Like every day.
DOMINICK: Probably like every other hour.
COREY: But in this initial stage with this guy, he’s not doing those things.
ASHLEY: He’s not doing my strong things.
COREY: But you still like him.
ASHLEY: I still like him.
COREY: And you’re still attracted to him.
COREY: Do you find yourself more attracted to him because he’s not doing that?
COREY: Are you sure?
ASHLEY: I find myself less attracted to him.
COREY: But you’re still dating him.
ASHLEY: I still have a pull towards him, but I’ve had moments where I’m like, whatever. I’m done. But I also haven’t communicated it.
COREY: But yet you still get together with him. You’ve only been out what, two or three times with him?
ASHLEY: Two. I’ve been talking to him for a week.
COREY: So you’re already thinking relationship, potentially?
ASHLEY: It’s still really new. I’m still getting to know him, and he’s still getting to know me. We haven’t had the love languages talk. We will, because I also want to be able to do that for him. I don’t know if I’m doing that for him.
COREY: But at the end of the day, some needs that are important to you are not getting met, but the important thing is, she’s still going out with him. Just like when Dominick got snipped, and she’s like “I’m done,” she still continued to call and go over and see him. Everything that I teach in the book works!
DOMINICK: And how many dates did Ashley go on where she was excited to go out, and then she went out with the guy and she’s like, “He let me pay for dinner. I offered, and he let me pay instead of being the man and stepping up, and at least paying half. He didn’t walk me to my car,” all these things that I do, he didn’t do.
ASHLEY: Also about that, if there is a strong connection there, then most likely the girl will… you can screw up and the girl will still go on a second date with you.
COREY: He makes you feel something, doesn’t he?
ASHLEY: Yeah. If he doesn’t pay for dinner, I’m going to be like, yeah, that’s fine.
COREY: She feels something. That’ the important thing. Don’t look at what people say, look at what they do.
ASHLEY: It’s also who they’re being though.
COREY: He’s masculine. He acts manly enough. You are intrigued.
COREY: It’s mysterious, because it’s new.
So, one of the questions was about paying for dates. Some of the comments were like, “Oh, I would never pay for a girl on a date.” For me, and as I wrote about in the book, if you invite a friend to go have some drinks or go have some lunch, if you’re inviting someone to do something with you, it’s just like having a party at your house. If you have a party with your friends and family and people you care about, when the knock on the door, you don’t ask for a ten dollar cover. If you’re the one inviting someone to join you, you should be the one that pays.
Just like if a girl says, I want to make you dinner, you’re not going to her house and she’s like, “Hey give me fifty bucks for the food.” You might bring a bottle of wine or some beer or something to drink, but she went out and got the food and paid for it. And she’s not expecting you to reimburse her.
ASHLEY: Yeah. And I was talking about the first date there. It’s the first interaction with a girl, and she wants you to be masculine. So that is one way you can sow that you’re masculine. You’re taking care of it. That’s how I feel. So paying for the meal or the drinks, or whatever it is, and walking me to my car, that is showing me that you’ve got your shit together enough to take care of me.
COREY: Some of the Rollo zombies will go, “Oh, she just wants a provider. It’s all about money.”
ASHLEY: It’s not.
COREY: What do you say to that? When they say, “Oh, you’re just with Dominick because he’s older and he has money.” I saw a bunch of those kinds of comments.
ASHLEY: It’s not. Personally I can’t be in a relationship just for money, because that’s kind of boring.
DOMINICK: Your current boyfriend doesn’t spend any money.
DOMINICK: He’s not buying you anything or taking you out.
ASHLEY: No. He’s in school.
DOMINICK: He’s a student! So, apparently it’s not much of a motive.
COREY: So he’s a broke dude?
ASHLEY: He’s a student, so he’s broke right now.
COREY: So, you probably make more money than him?
ASHLEY: Probably, yeah. Because I work more than he does.
COREY: Interesting. If it’s all about money, why would she date a guy that’s a student and broke? Because he does enough things that keep her attracted. At least at this point. It’s only two dates. We’ll see how he does after a few more weeks.
ASHLEY: We should definitely talk about the love languages, because that’s important.
COREY: So here’s another one. Ask Ashley how her parents feel about the age gap with Dominick.
ASHLEY: Well, my parents are awesome, so I actually had a little bit of a concern there. I cared what others would think about the relationship. There was a lot of nervousness around our relationship starting, with the age difference and what others would think. I talked to my mom about it, and she said age doesn’t matter. She’s like, “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this Ashley. Age doesn’t matter.” My mom supported the relationship, because she saw I was happy and that he was good for me. She was happy that I was happy. I have awesome parents though.
We have run into a few people that…
DOMINICK: We have a few fun stories. We were at a wedding recently, and I went over to say hi to the bride and groom and the parents were there. The parents are friends of the family. Basically, as soon as I saw the mom, she said “How old is your girlfriend? How old is she?!” I hardly even know this lady. And I said, “Well, she’s half my age actually.” I just had fun with it.
I don’t give a shit. But we ended up finding out after the fact, she gave us a call and said, “Sorry, I was a little abrupt.” I was like, no man, I’m cool with it. I love it when people say what they’re feeling. What ended up happening was, her daughter was dating someone who was twenty years older, and her daughter was in her mid-twenties I’m assuming, and they had an emotional charge on it.
I said, “Let me tell ya, your daughter has had a lot of issues. Dating someone twenty years older is going to be an amazing gift for her.” Because hopefully by that point this guy’s got his shit together, and she could feel loved and appreciated and have her needs met. He’ll really sponsor her in bringing her up to the next level. I think there’s a great opportunity there. It doesn’t have to be an older man. But any time a man can show up, it’s uplifting for the other person. And vice versa. Ashley is at an amazing place, and it helps me show up better.
COREY: So in the time that you guys spent together, how have you helped each other grow into better people? Are there any specific occasions or events that come to mind?
ASHLEY: It’s such a mix of things, but I’ve noticed with myself how I’ve changed and evolved throughout the relationship is I speak up more. I’m more confident in myself. I like myself more.
DOMINICK: It helps when someone tells you how pretty and beautiful you are multiple times a day.
ASHLEY: It does.
COREY: Feminine energy grows through praise, but at the right time.
ASHLEY: It’s really nice. It’s helpful. I’m more confident. I speak up. You’ve also called me out on things with the whole speaking up and staying in my power, and me walking a little bit behind you. You were like, can you walk next to me?
DOMINICK: When we walked up here, going through the hall, I intentionally got in front of her, and she caught up and got right next to me. I was like, damn. You go girl. She would walk eight feet behind me at any given time. And I’m like, “What are you doing? I want to walk with you. Get over here. What’s going on?” And then, she would get next to me and kind of float back. I’m like, what the hell is this? Let me tell ya, not anymore.
ASHLEY: It was all subconscious too. I would consciously say, “Oh, you’ve got to stay right next to him.” I used to make the excuse that he has longer legs than me, but it’s not that.
DOMINICK: It was not that at all. As a man, I want someone who can hold their own. I want someone who can walk next to me.
COREY: An equal teammate.
DOMINICK: I want a teammate, someone who can hold their end of the deal, you know.
ASHLEY: And I wasn’t. But I’ve definitely grown into someone who can now.
DOMINICK: And I think that’s a reflection of a man too. If a man has to confident woman, that shows that guy is solid. If a man has an insecure woman, if that’s what you’re attracted to, if that’s what you’re interested in, then maybe you need to take a look in the mirror and see why you have to have that.
ASHLEY: And I speak up. I have a clear voice when I teach yoga now. It’s affecting my life in every area. And I really just think it’s his love and support that helped me. You made me feel so safe in myself. You raised my confidence level in myself so much, that I was able to be more myself more often. When you’re yourself in life, everything in your life gets better. Everything. So, everything in my life got better.
COREY: Nice. Good job Dom.
DOMINICK: It makes up for all those other fucked up relationships that I had. Which, can we get into that as well? I’ve had horrific relationships in the past. So going from that, where the breakup was… you’re not walking away, you’re running away. They’re freaking out, and you’re upset just the same, or at least I was.
To go from ending a relationship and it being hostile to ending a relationship and having us loving each other, but it’s just time to do something different. Man, it really feels good. And it’s uncharted territory for me. It’s weird. I’m like, hey is this weird that I’m okay with her seeing somebody else? Am I supposed to be jealous? I don’t feel jealous. I’m actually happy for her. I want to know that she’s got a man that she’s excited about and that they can explore and grow together. You know, I want her to have that. So this is new territory for me, but I like it.
ASHLEY: And there’s so much gratitude with that too. To have someone in your life that you trust and love. To be able to have a relationship evolve like this, I have so much gratitude that I have someone like you in my life.
DOMINICK: How good does that feel? That’s amazing.
COREY: So, what about potential red flags, Dominick? Somebody asked, what red flags do you look for in a relationship? In other words, after all the crappy relationships you’ve had throughout your life, you look back now, and there’s a guy on the other end — what do they look for? Like you saw a red flag, thought it was going to be fine, and it wasn’t.
DOMINICK: Ashley and I joked around that every time she asked me a question and I was horny, it was like, do you want the before sex answer or the after sex answer? Because when you’re horny, “we’ll do whatever you want to do.” Then afterwards, you’re like, “no, I really don’t want to do that.”
COREY: You’re a fucking salesman. That’s a bait and switch! What the hell is going on?
DOMINICK: The point is, you see shit that you want to see, and you don’t see the shit that you really should be paying attention to. When you’ve got those love goggles on…
COREY: Rose colored glasses.
DOMINICK: It’s like you kind of filter out, “Oh, she kind of freaked out, but I was looking at her tits when she was yelling, and it kind of cancelled each other out.” No man. It cancels each other out early, but later on that ain’t gonna fly. So pay attention to the red flags, because whatever they’re showing you early on…
COREY: What red flags specifically have you seen? If a woman exhibits a certain kind of behavior, like what behaviors have you noticed that at the time you were like making an excuse for it, “Eh, it’ll be fine.” And then later on, afterwards when you’re looking back going, “Man, that was so obvious, and I blew right past that.”
DOMINICK: So, everybody’s nice when they’re cool. When they’re emotionally charged, that’s when stuff comes to the surface. So you don’t know the person until you’ve seen them emotionally charged about something — until you’ve seen them upset. And then you get to see what their strategies are, because everybody gets along great when they’re laughing. Everybody gets along great when they’re naked. Everyone gets along great on the honeymoon.
It’s afterwards when they get home and you get to see, how good are they at dealing with challenges? How good are they at communicating? Because stuff is gonna bubble up. Ashley and I had stuff bubble up all the time. We just communicated really well, and we took responsibility for our emotions.
I would say the biggest thing with Ashley is whenever she was upset, she would say, “I’m upset right now. I know it’s not you. I know that my emotions are my responsibility.” That was something that I think I helped cultivate quite a bit, because I always take responsibility for what I say or what I felt.
ASHLEY: I understood the idea of taking responsibility for how you feel, but actually doing it was hard for me.
DOMINICK: But she got it.
ASHLEY: Yeah, he helped me get it.
DOMINICK: I got it and I owned it, so that over time — and it took a little bit of time — but Ashley, a little bit at a time, took responsibility a little more. And now we communicate amazingly well.
I would say, if you’re dating someone in the first month, and when they’re upset they can’t communicate effectively, what they’re really feeling and what’s behind it, if they’re not willing to reflect and say, why am I emotionally charged in the first place, if they’re not willing to take responsibility for where they’re at — which is a big challenge in some of my past relationships — if they don’t take responsibility for their shit, you’re going for a ride. Because at that point, they’re not growth oriented.
If you don’t take responsibility, you don’t get the growth. You can only grow from your mistakes in life if you take responsibility for it. I take responsibility for everything.
ASHLEY: And that’s how we’ve both grown so much through the relationship. And that’s how we’ve gotten to this point where we’re able to break up and still have a great relationship.
COREY: So one last question I got here. I assume this guy, maybe he’s religious, or one of the no sex until marriage types. This is a question for Ashley, “How important is it to hang out, have fun and hook up? What if someone is very serious?” So, would you still date a guy if he was like, no sex until marriage, and then eventually marry him and then have sex? Or would you think, that’s kind of a deal breaker for me?
ASHLEY: Hypotheticals are hard for me. But it really depends on the person. Like I said with this…
COREY: It’s all about how you feel?
ASHLEY: Yeah. I have this connection with this guy and he can screw up a little bit, and I’ll hang out for a little bit.
COREY: Because your interest is high. At least right now.
COREY: So the fact that he’s not doing the love language thing, but you like him so much and you feel for him so strongly, you’re like, “I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I can work with that. Maybe he’s open to learning.”
ASHLEY: Yes. If that is there with someone who says they won’t have sex until we’re married, then maybe that’d be yes, but that’s so…
COREY: But you’re preference would be, you want to get it on?
ASHLEY: It’s not necessarily that I want to get it on, but it’s such a great way to connect with someone. There are ways you can have sex that are not connection oriented, but sex can be used in a way that you connect so much more to the other person. And then marriage is such a big commitment. So to have something hanging over the marriage like that, like we get married and then have sex, it’s almost like…
COREY: What if he’s lousy in bed?
ASHLEY: It’s almost like you have this reason. Like, we’re gonna get married, so we can have sex. That’s not a good reason to get married.
COREY: Interesting. So the bottom line is your preference is, you’d like to have it all?
ASHLEY: Yeah. I want it all.
COREY: There you go. She doesn’t want to wait. But, if the guy was pushing her buttons emotionally, she probably would. Even though you’re more kind of spiritual, free spirit kind of thing.
ASHLEY: I’d think about it and I’d have a conversation about it.
COREY: When a woman says I’ll think about it, it means no. You’ve got to ask the right questions to get the right answers. It’s not set in stone. Hopefully, you pick it up from the book, “How To Be A 3% Man.”
COREY: I think we got to all the questions, so let’s get into the topic at hand, which is, how do you deal with your girl when she goes totally fucking psycho? When she loses her shit, gets mad, upset, tries to intimidate you.
ASHLEY: It’s also the man though.
DOMINICK: I’ve been in this position a few times. I think I have my doctorate degree in psychotic women. When a woman is blowing a fuse and they’re absolutely out of control, that’s a red flag that that’s probably not someone who you want to spend time with — not in the short term, not in the long term. Because in order for someone to play out that behavior, they’re not taking responsibility for any of the shit. They’re not taking responsibility for their emotions, how they feel, their reactions, their behavior. They’re blaming you or whoever else.
If that’s their strategy for life, you’re not going to have a long term relationship. And if you do, it’s not going to be a healthy one, not by a long shot. Versus, someone who maybe blows a fuse every blue moon, but it’s something that you can handle. Something like, okay let’s just talk about this, work this through and are growth oriented. That’s a completely different deal.
If they’re growth oriented, meaning you love the person, they love you and you can be there for her — and you know if you can or not right? If you can hold your act together — that’s an amazing opportunity for you to display amazing masculinity.
What that means is in the heat of the storm, she’s testing you. Can I rely on you? Can I trust you? Can you handle me? And if you’re calm, cool and collected, and you can be there for her, it’s an amazing healing opportunity for not only you growing as a man, but for her to take on new patterns of behavior.
ASHLEY: And it strengthens the relationship a lot.
DOMINICK: It’s an amazing opportunity to strengthen the relationship. But again, you’ve got to figure out, is that a likely scenario? Or are you the guy who can be present in the middle of the storm?
There were times in my relationship in the past where I did that for a little while, and then after a while I would fucking blow up too because I was like, this is bullshit. So obviously, at that time, I was not showing up masculine enough where I could sponsor that person and create enough safety for them, that they could reflect on their own behavior and their own bullshit. So it’s not a black or white thing. There are shades of grey.
COREY: Staying calm, using humor, playfulness, to not lose your shit as well. Because if you lose your shit, now you’re displaying weakness because you can’t handle her being in a bad mood or being angry at you.
But also, it doesn’t mean that you sit there and you take verbal abuse. If you ask her in a loving way, “Hey, I understand that you’re upset, but you’ve got to calm down and be respectful and talk to me, and we can communicate and work it out and be nice to each other.” And if she keeps being a bitch and keeps escalating it, it’s like “I’m not going to put up with this. You obviously need some time on your own. So, I’m going to leave and when you calm down, and you’re ready to talk and be nice to me, give me a call and we’ll work it out. I’m not going to sit here and put up with this bullshit.”
Then you leave as a man. Hop in your car, and go somewhere else. Go out with your boys, go to the gym, go do something else. And if your woman respects you, she’s going to come back at a later time and say, “Hey, I’m sorry for being a bitch. I’m sorry for losing my temper. I’m sorry for yelling at you. It was not appropriate.” Then you can talk.
DOMINICK: So, I have a question about that. How do you know when the woman is losing her shit and just blowing a fuse, when do you be present and say “Hey baby, I know you’re upset. I’m here for you. Say whatever you need to say, and I’m not going anywhere no matter what.” Like how do you know when to do that?
COREY: Well, you’ve asked her to be calm, which is a more resourceful state to be in. But if she refuses to participate, if she just wants to start calling you a fucking asshole, you’re a piece of shit, and you know, cursing you out, causing a scene in the front yard…
DOMINICK: So, if she’s being abusive?
COREY: Yeah. If she’s being verbally abusive, and you asked her…
DOMINICK: Disrespecting you as a man. As a man you have to say…
COREY: If she’s calling you a piece of shit in front of the kids, then you pick up the kids and go, “Let’s go kids.” I don’t put up with that shit.
DOMINICK: Yeah, that’s not cool. It’s abusive to the kids too.
COREY: Yeah, because then they think that’s normal.
My English girlfriend will send me random messages, being goofy and silly, and it cracks me up. She’s great to communicate and get along with, and that’s why she’s been in my life all these years. We support each other through our relationships.
And I had a Brazilian girlfriend who was smoking hot, grew up without a dad, and she was used to everybody kissing her ass and able to basically get away with however she wanted to be, including her previous husband and previous boyfriend. I’m just not going to put up with that.
I tried numerous times to get her to talk and be sweet to me, and she was belligerent and an asshole. And on top of that, she was on antidepressants, and when she went off those, it just got worse. And that shit did not work for me.
I had this girl in the UK who has been sweet as pie for the better part of sixteen years to me, and I had this new girlfriend at the time who was just being an asshole to me. And it’s like, I’m not going to put up with that. I have not spoken to her since we split up. Maybe other guys want to, but my life is a drama-free zone. As you’ve seen those mugs I sell on Teespring, it says “No Drama Allowed.” It’s like, I live that shit. I don’t tolerate that from friends, I don’t tolerate that from family, and I certainly don’t tolerate that from women I date.
DOMINICK: I can tell you, after my past experiences, when Ashley and I got in relationship, and we had an amazing relationship for two and a half years, when I’m dating again or in a relationship that’s developing, my bullshit tolerance is at an absolute low amount. If I get even a little bit flavorable shit, I’m really paying attention to that. Is this someone who I want to spend time with?
You know, all we have is a little bit of time. We’re on a rock flying through space. You know what I mean? You have a little bit of time. That’s all you’ve got. You’ve got to figure out, this little bit of time that I have here to experience an amazing thing called life, is this the kind of shit I want to deal with or not?
Because, now that I’m dating again, and my bullshit tolerance is at an absolute minimum. It doesn’t mean I won’t care for the person, wish them the best, I’m just not putting up with someone who doesn’t have their act together.
ASHLEY: So, I had a little bit of bullshit in the beginning, wouldn’t you say?
DOMINICK: Does she look like she had any bullshit? Come on. Ashley is sweet as pie. When she was upset, because she’s so feminine, it was easy for me to show up as a man an be masculine for her. So, I learned a lot from Ashley as well. You had some bullshit and I had some bullshit too.
ASHLEY: Yeah, and you sponsored me and listened. You really actually helped me work through a lot of it.
COREY: Yeah, I’ve seen Ashley’s bitch face. She gave me the bitch face, “I hate you and I want to stick a fucking knife in your skull” look.
When Dominick was down in Fort Lauderdale working on my friends and family, and a friend of mine who was retired military — we were waiting on him because he was training the SWAT team that day — and I asked Dominick, I put a little bit of pressure on him, would you mind waiting for Jon to come an get worked on? And Dominick was like, “Yeah, no problem.”
DOMINICK: It was an inconvenience. It put us back getting here late, and Ashley didn’t like it.
ASHLEY: My emotions took control.
COREY: Yeah, she gave me the look of death.
ASHLEY: I apologize. I was angry, because we were working the next day. We were supposed to get home at a decent time, so I could get my life ready for the next day. And then I was like, “Now we’re going to get home really late. I’m going to be really tired.” And then all the thoughts started going, and I gave him the death stare. I gave him the dagger eyes.
COREY: You got emotionally hijacked, and I was laughing at you and making fun of you. And it just pissed her off more. But I was like, I don’t care. I’m going to be in a good mood. This is my home, this is my castle, this is my kingdom. I want to take care of my friend, because I think it was the first weekend you guys were working on him and his girlfriend. I wanted him to have a good experience. So I was willing to tolerate the death stare.
DOMINICK: But it was a great test of it too, because with Ashley even as fired up as she was, she took complete responsibility for her emotions. We got in the car, and I thought, oh man this is gonna be a shit storm. About 5-10 minutes into the drive, we talked a little bit, and she took responsibility and said why she got charged up. But Ashley took responsibility for it.
That’s the whole point. Any time someone takes responsibility for where they’re at, even if they do lose their shit and blow up, they’re going to learn from it, they’re gonna grow from it, they’re gonna do better. If they don’t take responsibility for their emotions, that’s just not growth oriented, and unfortunately that storm’s going to keep bubbling up until the person does. So hat’s off to Ashley for taking responsibility for how she feels.
ASHLEY: I could have shown up in such a different way. I could have been there to give what I have to give to them, and I didn’t. So that’s time lost.
COREY: Back to acknowledgment. Like I said, I could tell she was pissed at me and I was just amused by it.
ASHLEY: That actually helped.
COREY: Because as a man, you set the tone. This is my kingdom, this is my house. I’m going to be happy. I’m going to laugh, and I don’t care.
ASHLEY: That helped because you didn’t get mad at me back. If you had gotten mad at me back, I probably would have gotten angrier, but you were just kind of laughing. I was like, okay he sees that I’m angry, and he’s okay with it.
COREY: I wasn’t diminished by it.
ASHLEY: I was able to cool down a little bit. And then it really soaked in that I’m the one with the emotional charge right now. If the other person doesn’t get emotionally charged, the emotionally charged person can realize, “Okay, I’m the emotionally charged one.” So then it helps me take responsibility.
COREY: It’s like I always tell you guys, I might not always be right, but I’m never wrong.
DOMINICK: That’s the deal with masculine leadership. You’re not always right, but whatever it is, you take responsibility for it.
COREY: If I fuck up, you know, I admit that. In my books, obviously, I write about my fuck-ups, and that’s how I learned all this stuff — by fucking up a lot.
ASHLEY: Learning from your experiences.
COREY: That was a good example to go through, by the way.
ASHLEY: When you were talking about, give the person time to cool off, when we have gotten into little fights — I call them fights, you don’t call them fights…
DOMINICK: Let me tell you, I’ve experienced fights. In two and half years, we’ve never had a fight. You don’t know what a fight is.
ASHLEY: Apparently, I don’t.
DOMINICK: On a scale of one to ten when we, according to her, “fight,” it’s about a 0.5. It’s not even a 1.
COREY: Dominick knows what it’s like to be with a woman who goes full fucking lunatic and doesn’t care. And he’s tried to be a pleaser and calm her down instead of being like, “I’m not putting up with this shit. You can’t talk to me like that.”
DOMINICK: That didn’t work.
ASHLEY: Yeah, but giving them time to cool down is good, so the emotion isn’t as there. Because when someone’s emotionally charged, they’re using their hind brain, their animal brain.
DOMINICK: You’re dealing with a reptile.
ASHLEY: So, there’s no access to their prefrontal cortex to be able to reason and see a different perspective. But when you’ve been upset with me for something, if we take a day where we just don’t talk and give each other space, and then I come back and let you just say whatever you want to say and listen to you, then we can start to move through it.
But if I continue to give him time to just work through the problem on his own, oftentimes the emotional charge is not resolved. The concern is not resolved. We have to have that face to face conversation time, because he needs to be acknowledged. That’s at least what I have experienced with you. Because any time we have just sat down and I let you say whatever you want to say, and I listen to you…
DOMINICK: I feel better.
ASHLEY: And I don’t, I cannot defend. I literally just have to listen and see from their perspective what’s going on.
DOMINICK: And it’s not agreeing with the person. It’s just allowing them to vent.
ASHLEY: It’s just seeing their perspective. And we talked about this a few days ago with acknowledging. Sometimes when he responds to me he’ll say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
DOMINICK: Oh man.
ASHLEY: Don’t say that. It does not work. It makes it worse.
COREY: You know what’s funny? I love Dominick, but I also love breaking his balls. We were talking about this yesterday when we were talking about my book. I think you just finished listening to it again, right?
DOMINICK: I was listening to it, yeah.
COREY: So over the years, when I wrote this book fifteen years ago, Dominick was always telling people to buy it and read it, yet he never read it.
DOMINICK: I didn’t think I needed to.
COREY: And it wasn’t until his marriage imploded that he started going through it. He was in pain. I’ve talked about this before. All you guys that have found great results with my book, and then you try to get your friends to read it and they’re like, “Ehh, whatever.” But as soon as they’ve got a problem, they’re like, “What’s the name of that dude’s book?”
When people are in pain, that’s when they want to know. And that’s where Dominick was. It’s not a pleasant process going through an unpleasant divorce, and that’s when he was open to it. Every time I came in his office, he’d say, “This really just hit home for me. I just read this chapter in your book. It was so right on. I totally did the opposite of what I was supposed to do.”
DOMINICK: Well “How To Be A 3% Man,” for me, it helped give me a perspective that I wasn’t able to see because I knew in the marriage it was just an absolute disaster, but it wasn’t because I wanted it to be that way. It’s because I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
And I wish I had the insight that I do now. I probably would have avoided the whole thing. The reality is, it probably would have dissolved anyway, but it would have been a different flavor. It didn’t have to go that way. But I’m going through it again. I learn by auditory, so I put it on my phone and listen to the audio when I’m working out or I’m eating food. I’m playing that thing all the time, and I’m getting insights.
I don’t know how many times I’ve listened to it, maybe 7, 8, or 9 times. And every time I hear it, I hear something new. Like yesterday morning I was listening to it, and I don’t know what chapter it was, but Corey was saying, when you realize a relationship is going to end, don’t drag it out. When you know it’s not going to work out, end the relationship, and end it well and properly.
And I was telling Ashley, we probably should have ended it earlier. I honestly felt that after listening to what Corey was saying about the relationship, it would have been even better if we would have ended it maybe a little sooner. I’ve already been through the book 7 or 8 times, and I’m still learning.
ASHLEY: We did notice at the end, that those little symptoms of misalignment were coming up.
DOMINICK: Absolutely. And they were coming up with frustration with each other, when really we didn’t have anything to feel frustrated about. It was just getting played out in other ways.
ASHLEY: And if we didn’t take that awareness, we would have fought, and it would have ended not nicely probably.
DOMINICK: So we’re ending an amazing relationship on an amazing note, and we’re supporting each other going in different directions.
COREY: What were you going to say about Rollo Tomassi’s book, “The Rational Male.” One thing I want to say, I think it’s a great book. Actually, I think everybody should read it, but you’ve got to understand that a lot of people that are into his work, they’ve known nothing but train wrecks in their relationship life.
At the end of the day, if you’re looking for a long term, healthy relationship, women that have a good relationship with their mom and especially their dad, and their parents are together, and she looks at her dad as kind of like the rock in her life, he’s always a sounding board, he’s always the guy she goes to when she’s got a problem or needs somebody to listen, and the parents have a good relationship and they communicate things without screaming and yelling and freaking out, those are typically going to be the best kind of women for long term, healthy, monogamous relationships.
When you start getting into areas where you’re dating women that come from broken families, where there’s no dad, or the dad was a narcissist or a dickhead, or the parents were cheating on each other, because I do so many phone sessions with guys where I hear the same pattern, the same story over and over. There’s just certain kind of women that are better for a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, open kind of relationship. You don’t want to try to date them long term and try to make them your girlfriend, because somebody that comes from a background where there’s lying and cheating — it doesn’t mean 100% of the people are going to be that way, but pretty close to 100% are simply not going to be capable of having the relationship you want to have.
So, you’ve got to make a good choice up front. And what I like about Ashley is that she’s kind of like Dominick and I, very spiritually minded, holistic focused. And people that tend to be that way also tend to have a hard time paying their bills, they’re not responsible, they tend to be a little hippy’ish if you will, and inconsistent. But one of the things I like about Ashley is she is pretty even-keeled, pretty easy going, and pretty easy to get along with.
What was your takeaway from “The Rational Male?” What light bulbs went off for you?
DOMINICK: Oh shit, I don’t know. Corey and I have been friends for a while. We’ve known each other for I don’t know, 15 years, something like that, 16 years? When he said, “Hey man, why the hell didn’t you tell me when you were going through all this crap in your marriage?” I was like, I know Corey, he’s an asshole, whatever. You know what I mean? I like Corey, but at the end of the day, you don’t take your friends seriously. You just don’t.
COREY: I think the words you used were, “I didn’t want to tell you that I’m being a bitch in my marriage.”
DOMINICK: Did I say that? Well, that statement is true. I don’t remember saying that, but it was true. What he is saying is accurate. So when Corey said, check out Rollo Tomassi’s book “The Rational Male,” I just was like, what the fuck? How come I didn’t get into this earlier? I mean, it was just huge for me. So I was like, shit, maybe I should check out Corey’s book. This guy actually knows what he’s talking about after all. And now, I’ve gone through his books so many times.
So yeah, I had to hear it from Rollo Tomassi first, because I felt like I can hear him, if that makes sense. And then his perspective opened me up.
COREY: Yeah, my dad was the same way. I was on him for years. It wasn’t until he got into trouble and he was getting friend-zoned and pushed away that he actually got serious and wanted to hear what I had to say.
DOMINICK: Yeah, Corey’s book was super helpful and I can’t recommend it enough. And I would honestly say that Rollo Tomassi’s book got me in that direction, and now I have value and tremendous appreciation for Corey’s work. And a big part, because of Corey’s work is why I know how to show up for Ashley.
ASHLEY: Yeah, I was going to say, it was good for me.
DOMINICK: Yeah, it was good for Ashley and it was good for me. So now that this relationship is dissolved, the next relationship that I get into, I feel that I have more game now than I ever have. And that’s going to directly translate into a healthy relationship.
So if your relationship sucks and you’re frustrated with it, don’t be a douche. Get Corey’s book, get Rollo’s book, look into it over and over and over again. And it’s not about the other person. Fuck them. It’s for you. You deserve it. If you believe you do, if you want that, do it. And as you get your shit more and more dialed in, man the universe fills voids.
If you create the environment where you’ve got your shit together, the universe is going to bring someone into your life that’s got their shit together. It’s been amazingly rewarding. I’m very thankful and gracious for Corey for the work that he’s shared with me.
COREY: So, we’ve got one final point that Ashley brought up that she wants to share.
ASHLEY: When acknowledging, he had in the past — which I just started voicing, so I say it all the time now — he says I’m sorry you feel that way. And that doesn’t help, because there’s nothing wrong with what the other person’s feeling. They’re just feeling it. But what I find is helpful in my experience is…
COREY: So in other words, he was apologizing because you felt a way that he didn’t like?
ASHLEY: Yeah, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.
COREY: So it’s a useless apology, basically.
DOMINICK: I thought I was acknowledging her. Basically, I’m saying, okay sorry you feel this way. Whatever. I was like, fuck off.
COREY: But the important distinction, which is the right way to acknowledge is…
ASHLEY: I’m sorry if I did anything that made you feel that way. That wasn’t my intention. I feel like that actually, that helps me again take responsibility for my own emotions, because they weren’t intending to make you feel that, but you took it that way.
DOMINICK: So you’re acknowledging the perception is what you’re saying.
DOMINICK: When they acknowledge your perception is when you can somehow be free of it and see it from a different angle.
ASHLEY: Yeah. And it deflates the beach ball. You just kind of relax, like okay, thank you.
COREY: That’s the difference that makes the difference. That’s how you deal with the psycho. As long as she is temporarily psycho, then goes back to normal. Not like psycho is kind of always bubbling under the surface and she’s just looking for a reason to blow up at your ass.
DOMINICK: What the interesting thing is about being in a psychotic relationship is — I say psycho, but they’re emotionally hijacked and they freak out — it takes two people.
Because I remember when I had a girlfriend just freak out. It’s like they look at you like they’re waiting for your turn to engage, almost as if they need you to help fuel the explosion to keep them mentally going. And if you participate with that, it’s almost like you’re justifying the behavior, because they’re only going to do a behavior if they get some kind of need met.
So the point is, if you’re in a relationship with someone freaking out, just be cool man. And I’m telling you, if you’re cool, they will think that you’re a motherfucker, like you’re the most amazing, masculine, caveman that’s ever showed up in their life, and finally someone who’s got balls who can be present in the storm. Your stock goes through the roof.
But if you’re not at that place, then that relationship’s going to be tough man. I don’t know how you’re going to work through it, and it might not be an ideal situation for you. But if you can weather it, it can be huge.
ASHLEY: And that’s why Corey was laughing at me when I got upset, it was perfect.
COREY: I’m perfect. I can’t help it. So, how can what you do with Network Chiropractic Care help people. Like coming from the environment where I came from, my mother was literally a psychotic schizophrenic. I never got hugs, never heard I love you from any of my family members. When somebody like that shows up, how are you able to help resolve or permanently deflate all that?
DOMINICK: I had gone to counselors, gone to therapists, trying to get the relationship stuff squared away, even with past girlfriends, and the counselor would say, when she’s doing this, she needs you to say this and this. Now, is that what you want him to say? And she says, yes. Then we’d walk out of the therapist’s office and go home.
Then she loses her shit about something, and I regurgitate what the therapist or counselor told us to say. You’re saying the words, but in the back of your mind, you’re like, I want to strangle this bitch, you know what I mean? They feel emotion. They know you’re saying the words and you’re full of shit. it doesn’t work. It didn’t work for me, let’s just put it that way.
For some people, talk therapy can be amazing. For me, it didn’t do shit. It didn’t do a thing. But, when I got body work, that was the strategy to get in me and open me up. And that’s the work that I do now. It just completely changed my life.
It’s called Network Care. And if you want to know more about it, you can look up Network Care on the internet. If you want to contact our office, BeSimplyWell.com, we can help you find a practitioner.
COREY: Look up Network Chiropractic Care or NSA.
ASHLEY: Network Spinal Analysis.
DOMINICK: It’s a type of body work that literally gets your body so open and so peaceful that outside circumstances have less and less of an effect on your internal state. Hey man, when it’s peaceful inside, it’s always peaceful outside. And when there’s torment inside, you’re just looking for an excuse to blow a fuse.
So, for me in my relationships in the past were nothing more than a reflection of where I was, because how I respond is my fault. I take responsibility for that. And if you take responsibility for it, then that’s a huge step in the right direction.
And for me getting body work that opened my body up, it changed my life. I had so much value for it that I completely changed my practice at our office. So now, we provide Network Care, the body connection exercises that help you increase your awareness of your body. Anything you’re more aware of, you have more control over. And that’s part of what Ashley does in the office.
So, if someone really wants to move forward in life and significantly increase their game, being present and being so peaceful inside that you attract more of that into your life in a relationship, check us out. BeSimplyWell.com.
COREY: There was a guy who posted a kind of nasty comment. I think we banned him, but he was complaining, trying to reason with me that basically, I didn’t know what I was talking about and I shouldn’t have Dominick on because in the chiropractic industry, a lot of chiropractors who are not as successful as somebody like Dominick, and don’t get the results that Dominick gets, was basically insinuating it was a scam. It was BS. And obviously, I wouldn’t have spent all the money and the time with him for the last 16 years if it hadn’t completely changed my life. So what’s different between the type of chiropractic care that you give versus a traditional back-cracker chiropractor?
DOMINICK: I would say that the application is totally different, and the outcome is totally different. And even calling what we do chiropractic is a really big stretch, because nothing that we do in our office resembles what you’re going to get in a traditional chiropractic office.
Chiropractic is amazing care. I mean, something you can do that’s relatively profound in a short amount of time, chiropractic care will do that as far as changing your structure, increasing the energy flow through your body. I mean any chiropractic is a great tool.
What we’re doing with Network Care is we’re not trying to move your structure. We’re trying to help you reconnect to the tension in your body that’s influencing your emotions that’s influencing your behavior. And the more tension you have, the more emotional charge and the more hijacked.
So basically, your issues are in your tissues. And your default behaviors unfortunately come up from the bottom. That’s where that stuff is stored, so if you want to change your emotions, you want to change how you show up, you’ve got to change your body. That’s where all the emotion comes from. And the more you get this open and peaceful, let me tell you man, if this shit can help me, it can help anybody.
I was reactive, I was angry, I was controlling, and that’s why I attracted that type of relationship. I was an asshole, and I was attracting other assholes.
COREY: Like attracts like.
DOMINICK: Yeah man. And I knew that, but I was frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t change it. I didn’t know what to do. Even though I was talking to counselors, I was doing all the stuff and trying to reproduce what they said. It’s who you want to be that determines what you do, how you communicate and how you act.
The biggest thing in meeting women is, I’m convinced that people make a decision within the first second that when you walk up to a woman and she looks in your eyes, you’ve got one second for her to say to herself, “This guy is cool. This guy is interesting” or “This guy needs to get the fuck away from me.” Would you say that’s accurate?
DOMINICK: As soon as a guy comes up to you, within a second, you’re like yes or no.
COREY: You’re either in or you’re out.
DOMINICK: And it doesn’t have to be anything that you say. It’s how you show up man. Are your eyes soft? Do you look peaceful? Do you look happy? Do you look like someone a happy, healthy person would want to spend time with? And your subconscious within a split second already knows where you’re at.
And that’s why, for me, Network Care completely transformed my life and my relationships, because it worked with that part of me, that physiology that women are looking at and reading. So for me, Network Care was amazing, and I have tremendous value for it.
And the people that we see in our office have the same changes that I’m sharing with you. In some, you need to see a lot, and in other people, a few sessions and they notice a huge transformation.
So to get back to your earlier question, is this chiropractic? No part of this is chiropractic. But I use my chiropractic licensure as a means, so that I can touch people and work on people.
COREY: And what about you Ashley? What type of health coaching are you into? Why don’t you explain to people what you do.
ASHLEY: I am an Ayurveda health coach, and I also do energetic work and body work. And what I focus on is something that I’ve cultivated over the last few years, being more myself and more confident in myself, learning how to listen to my own intuition, to be more authentically me in my life.
I love coaching others to do that within themselves as well. And I do that with many different modalities.
DOMINICK: It’s body centered therapy. Someone comes in, they’re lying on the table, and you’re doing a type of body work.
ASHLEY: Yeah, it’s a type of body work that’s also dealing with the energetics.
DOMINICK: Your issues are in your tissues, like it or not. And until those are addressed in some way, people have a real tough time. I found it to be one of the most effective ways of upping your game and your quality of life and what you attract in life.
ASHLEY: I find that if you are doing body work and then also doing the mental, like gaining different perspectives, work as well, then those two hand in hand work really well together. But if you’re just trying to get a different perspective, your body is holding you stuck tight where you have been, so that body work helps kind of loosen you up, get you a little more free to be able to shift into different perspectives.
DOMINICK: To make the person available. The more available you are, the more growth oriented you are.
Follow Ashley on Instagram: @AshleyAyurveda
Ashley’s holistic coaching: AshleyAyurveda.com
Dr. Dominick D’Anna: BeSimplyWell.com
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur