What To Do When You’re Not That In To Her

Apr 16, 2015 by Coach Corey Wayne

CoupleHere is a really good email regarding a client who recently ended a relationship with a girl he was really not that in to. Most men do not have the balls to do what this guy did. Is it any wonder why the divorce rate is over 50%, and only 3% really have great long term relationships? The rest who stay together are “doing it for the kids,” or just simply do not have the guts to leave and find someone better for them.

In my mid 20’s I settled, got married, and after a year, ended the marriage. It should have never happened. I was simply too weak, inexperienced, not comfortable with myself and did not understand women.

My responses are (in brackets like this in the body of his email):

Hey Corey,

I just ended a one-year relationship with a woman I met shortly after applying some principles I learned from your book. Anyway, she confessed she was in love with me after some time, (Good job at raising her interest level in you! You did more right than wrong, and she fell in love with you.), but I was not in love with her. After one year, I am more than certain I will not be in love with her. (You are correct. You either feel it, or you don’t.) Believe it or not, I went to couples counseling with her. This was her idea. I was told that love was not something I could compare to what I saw on television, and that I basically should give the relationship time. (That is the bullshit, limiting belief of the counselor, not yours.). I stayed with her too long, mostly because I did not have the courage to end it, (Been there, done that, got the t-shirt), so I let her end it. (In the future, you should be the one to end it when your heart tells you its time to move on.) I feel good about it mostly, and I feel free. (Bravo!)

Something also prompted me to want to end the relationship with her. Another woman from my past that I thought I was in love with, but never dated, emailed me. She basically stated that she was single, probably lonely as well, and indicated that if she was local she would want to date me, almost like she wanted confirmation that I still had feelings for her,Couple during break up - Sad young woman (That’s definitely possible), so she had a reason to come home from Europe, where she had landed a two-year job rotation. I’ve corresponded with her weekly during the last nine months. I flirted with her, all while I was dating this other woman. I am ashamed of that, however, I did everything to tell the other woman I did not love her, except say that I wanted to end the relationship. (I applaud your honesty.) I even told her I did NOT love her. (She stayed because she was projecting her own interest level onto you. Women do it too.)

The worst part about the situation is, my ex found some of the emails to the other woman as I left my inbox open one time this year, and she prodded through it. (That was not cool of her.) My ex thought I did it on purpose to end the relationship. (Maybe, subconsciously, you did.) Long story short, she emailed the other woman, and I don’t know what she told her. I am sure she aired out my dirty laundry to her. At the least, I know she mentioned that I am not befitting of a trustworthy boyfriend, let alone a husband. God knows what else, as I struggle with depression, and my ex loves to remind me how debilitating it is to a relationship. Anyway, If I was that bad of a boyfriend, why did she want to marry me? (Interest level cuts everything. She was hurt and trying to guilt you into loving her.)

I am going to be 28 soon. I want a relationship, (Take your time, date a lot, and most importantly, have fun!), but I want the feelings I had with this other woman. (Yes! Your feelings are your truth. Trust your feelings. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “when you trust in yourself, you are trusting in the same wisdom that created you.” ) I have not tried to contact the other woman since my ex sent the email about two weeks ago. teen couple enjoying coffee together. Shall I stay away from the other woman, and expect that she will contact me if she really wants to confirm that what my ex mentioned about me is true? (No, call or text her and set a definite date. Get coffee, meet for a drink, etc. Don’t bring up your ex or assume she said anything bad. Act as if it’s all good. If she brings up negative things she heard from your ex, just say, “Look, that was the past. She was hurting and trying to get back at me. I’m sure she said all kinds of things. I wish her all the best. Let’s just you and I focus on having a good time together and making each other laugh.” Now you are free to pursue what you want, so see where it goes, and keep meeting and dating new women. There is another bus every 15 minutes). Keep in mind that I blew this other woman off for coffee twice, because I felt guilty about being with her when I was dating my ex. (You were in a relationship, so you had no choice.)

Anyway, if you have any advice, I look forward to hearing it. If nothing else, this has been a learning experience. (Experience builds confidence. It was a win because you used what I teach, and it worked for you. What else could you expect? That’s why I’m the best at what I do.)

Tom

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Published on April 16, 2015

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