When & How To Apologize To Your Girl When You Screw Up

When and how you should apologize to your girl when you screw up.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man, well over 15 times. An old fling reached back out to him a few months ago and they started hooking up again. However, a few of his jokes came off as mean this past weekend and he apologized twice. Now she says she wants to take a step back and heal. He hasn’t heard from her in almost 10 days and he wonders what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “When & How To Apologize To Your Girl When You Screw Up.”

Well, this particular email is from a viewer. He says he’s read 3% Man well over 15 times. And I guess a few months ago, an old fling reached back out that I don’t know how long ago it was, but she reached back out, said that she missed him, and they started hanging out, having fun, hooking up for a while. And then I guess this past weekend they were hanging out and he teased her a couple of times, and his jokes and his teasing went over like a lead balloon.

And he hurt her feelings and she got upset about that. So now he hasn’t heard from her in like ten days, even though he’s apologized twice because she said she needed to take a step back and take time to heal. So it’s kind of seems, based on what he shared, that it was a little bit of an overreaction on her part, and I suspect that she may be kind of passive aggressive. Because the way passive aggressive people tend to work is that what was modeled for them and their family growing up is that when you’re mad or somebody pisses you off, you give them the silent treatment.

And you let them know that you’re mad at them and you let them suffer. You won’t talk to them. You’ll let them suffer for a period of time. And once you feel like you’ve paid them back in suffering that they caused you, then you’ll start talking. That’s not healthy. That’s not how you resolve your differences. When you see a woman display passive aggressive tendencies, that’s a major red flag because life is hard enough.

Relationships are hard enough, and you can’t work things out if the other person is not willing to talk openly and honestly about them. When somebody wants to just put your relationship on hold for an unknown, indefinite period of time, that’s not a loving thing to do. That’s very manipulative. And it’s abusive. It’s mentally abusive. It’s mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive. It’s not healthy behavior. So with that in mind, let’s go through Bob’s email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach this is Bob,

I have a quick question on a topic that I was not able to find in a video or your book, but maybe I missed it. I am a long time follower and have read 3% Man well over 15 times. It has become my guideline and I have recommended it to many guys over the years. I have a question in regards to hurting a woman’s feelings (Unintentional) and I was curious on if I should message her after apologizing or waiting for her to reach out to me. I had dated this gal in the past and it ended about 3 months in.

Well, he doesn’t say why, so I don’t know if it’s something he screwed up and she rejected him or vice versa. He doesn’t elaborate.

Fast forward to this past April she reached out saying how much she missed me and wanted to see me. So I did what the book teaches and had her come over 3 times and each time we hooked up.

So this is what we discuss in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. So I’m assuming just because of that, that what happened was she got upset and she ended it after three months. And then he smartly walked away and never looked back. And then at some point in time, she got back in touch. And since she unilaterally ended it, she’s got to fix it. That means she does 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing.

And you just arrange dates in the evening at your place. And so as long as she comes over for three dates in a row and you hang out, you have fun. You hook up all three times consecutively. Then you can meet her out and pick her up and go on other dates. But you got to let her do 100% of the pursuing because if she ended it, she’s got to fix it.

So that started the path on a great adventure together. She would reach out, I would set the date and we would have fun and hook up each time. A few times she even “Booty Called” me over and we would hook up there on the spot.

What is a date? It’s an opportunity for sex to happen. You could go on a picnic. You could make dinner at your house. You could go to her place. You could go for a walk around the lake. Sit down on the beach somewhere, have a picnic. Picnic on the beach. “A picnic basket. Hey, boo boo, let’s get some bud lights and a picnic basket.” It doesn’t matter what you do. The key is do something fun together that facilitates conversation and physical touch and interaction.

We have an amazing connection and she would not stop talking on how amazing I was and how excited she was for our future together. So about a week ago on a date I took her to some sand dunes and we were having an absolute blast together.

At one point she brought up an outfit she was wearing before we had sex and I was trying to use playful banter and it came off mean when I said that it must have not been memorable (mother fucking ouch). I had said another comment later on trying to be playful and that also came out wrong but it was in regards to how she looked at me.

I didn’t realize it at the time that I had hurt her feelings. She calls me up the next day and said how I hurt her and made her feel. I did exactly as the book teaches and got her to open up.

So if she calls you to say, “oh, I’m hurt. I’m so upset.” “I was like, what did I say? What did you get upset about? Tell me.”

I apologized for my words and behavior and told her it absolutely would not happen again. That this is not who I was, and it was a bad lapse in judgement and I would choose my words more carefully in the future.

Yeah, I think your apology kind of sucks. I would not have phrased it that way.

She said she forgave me but just needed to take a step back and heal. We ended the phone call, and I sent her a message the next day on how I appreciated her bringing that to my attention so I can make the correction and I looked forward to hearing from her and seeing her again.

Well, I wouldn’t have reached out. Because what did she say? I need some space. I need some time to heal or take a step back. Be present with her feelings. That’s not really that healthy to just say, “well, I’m going to pause what’s going on between us, and I’ll let you know when I’m done with the pause.” That’s passive aggressive. It’s not loving. It’s not kind. And so what I would have said is if she calls, say, “hey, I’m really hurt by what you said when you made fun of my outfit” and said, “well, obviously it wasn’t that memorable.” “That really hurt my feelings.” I was like, “what do you mean? Well, how did you take it? I was just cracking a joke, just trying to be funny. I mean, you look pretty hot in that outfit, to be honest with you. It’s like I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry.”

This is the way you apologize. “I’m sorry if what I said upset you and hurt your feelings. It was definitely not my intent. I was just being playful. So I’m sorry that it came out that way or it came across that way. It was not my intent, babe.” And then when she says she wanted to take a step back and heal. I was like, what do you mean, take a step back? What does that mean? What does that look like? Take a step back? You need some time alone. You want to come over and cuddle and talk? What do you mean? I would have gotten to explain that a little bit more.

But just the fact that it’s like some little thing, she takes it and women tend to take the little things and they it’s hyperbole. They just blow it up and it becomes a big ordeal. And so what’s going on here is that your girlfriend is kind of insecure. And what you said upset her, but she’s probably really reacting to something that happened in the past, maybe a past relationship or something that happened in childhood. Bottom line, she got triggered.

So she has a wound about something that, quite frankly, really had nothing to do with you. And so again, that’s why the proper way to apologize is like, “I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. It was not my intent. I was not trying to hurt you. And it’s like I’m, you know, I’m sorry again. I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings. It was not my intent. What else? What else? What else is on your mind?”

A week goes by, and I have not heard from her. By time you read this email it will have been about 10 days. My question is do I reach out by calling and asking to set a date or do I wait for her to come to me?

Well, from what you told her and what she said, she wanted some space, she wanted some time. And I would have given it to her. I wouldn’t have reiterated an apology a second time. Because with women, if you fuck up, apologize. Again, apologize. It’s important how you phrase things. “I’m sorry if what I said hurts you. That was not my intent at all. I was just cracking a joke.”

My gut tells me to wait for her when she’s ready, but I am a strong believer in whom-ever breaks it, fixes it.

Well, again, from what you said in the very beginning, something happened in the past when you were dating her to where she ended it, and then you went no contact, and she came back. So maybe it was something else you said in the past that pissed her off and she dipped on you. Maybe this is just how she operates. She gets mad and it’s like, that’s the end of the relationship. And then she just disappears. And if that’s the case, then at some point in time it’s going to happen again. So it looks like the same pattern is happening.

You did or said something to her, she got upset, and then it’s like kicks you to the curb. That’s not very loving. You can’t work things out. It’s like, I mean, people are going to say things that get on each other’s nerves, and you can’t just end a relationship because of one little infraction. That’s an overreaction. Again, that’s why I said at the beginning of the video, it looks very passive aggressive. And that’s a major red flag, because if every time you say something that gets on her nerves or hurts her feelings, it’s like, man, this is how she resolves it. She gets mad at you and you don’t hear from her for ten days. That’s not loving. That’s not kind. She needs time to heal from, like, one little comment. That’s ridiculous.

I would greatly appreciate your advice on how to make this right as we have not broken up and she even said during our last conversation that she sees me as being her person and she really cares and does not want it to end.

Thank you,

Bob

Well, if I take a step back and I look at this, if the way you’ve left it, which is, you know, she’s “going to take a step back.” “And you look forward to hearing from her again.” Did she say she’s going to get in touch after she’s had time to heal? Because typically when a woman says, “I want to take a step back and take some time to heal”, then give them the space to heal. You reiterated your apology and she hasn’t reached out. She knows you’re sorry, but to go ten fucking days and not reach out to you. That’s not cool.

Because again, she disappeared from your life once before and after a period of time, she comes back and says, “oh, I miss you.” If it was me, I would not reach out to her at all. Because from what it looks like, from what you phrased here, is that you both agreed that she’s going to take some time to heal and get back to you. So give her the space to do that, even if it means you don’t hear from her forever or for a long time. But if that’s not how you left it, if it’s just like a pause in the courtship, then I would wait two full weeks.

If you don’t hear from her for two full weeks, 14 days, then I would reach out and just try to set the next date. “Hey, babe, I want to see you. I want to see your face. What’s your schedule like?” And then invite her over to make dinner together. She may still be pissed off. She may not. But like I said, that would be the only reason I would reach out is if. Because it’s kind of vague. I’m not really sure, but it sounds like what you wrote here in your email is that she’s supposed to get in touch with you after she takes time to reflect and to heal and get over it. But I mean, the fact it’s been ten days, that’s pretty rude. So I’d wait.

Again, if that didn’t happen, if it was just like, “hey, I’ll talk to you later.” And then you haven’t heard from her for ten days, it’s pretty clear she’s mad at you. Especially if she was doing all that pursuing and then she just stops. Two little comments and that’s it. She’s just ready to blow it up. I mean, she blew it up once before. We don’t know what happened because he doesn’t elaborate on that. But this is a pattern. This is twice this has happened. So if it’s happened twice, if she’s supposed to get in touch with you, you got to let her get in touch.

If that’s not what was discussed, then I would wait 14 days total to see if she reaches out and then reach out to her like nothing happened and just try to set the next date. She’ll either make the date or she won’t. And if she won’t make the date or she’s like, “oh, I’m not sure. My schedule.” It’s like, “all right, babe, no problem. Figure it out and get back to me.” And then I would never call or text her again for any reason. And if weeks go by and you haven’t heard from her, then I’d be like, she’s kind of a Froot Loop, that’s just not healthy.

You don’t just put the brakes on something because you tease her and it doesn’t go over well, and that’s the end of it? That means even if she does reach back out some, you’ll say or do something else that’ll piss her off, and then she’ll disappear for a couple of weeks. I’ve dated women that are like this and it gets really fucking tiring. So I personally would not put up with that because again, it’s not healthy. Those are the signs of a girl that was raised in an environment, when people get mad at each other, they just give them the silent treatment for unknown periods of time.

And based on how bad they make you feel is how long you’re going to ignore them. And that’s just the way they are. Again, it gets tiring. Things are going along great. And one comment I remember that happened to me one time. I had a girlfriend who was dating and I said something and I just teasing her and she was really insecure about what I said and she hung up on me. She got so mad, she hung up on me and didn’t want to talk to me. And I didn’t hear from her for like 4 or 5 days. I was like, that was kind of weird because things have been going great up until that point.

But that was just the first time it happened. It’s like there would be other instances where I would say things and it got under her skin, and then I just wouldn’t hear from her. She’d be mad at me. I don’t want to talk about it. And you can’t resolve anything if the other person’s not even willing to talk and communicate or work through your differences. I mean, again, you tease her and she takes it personally. You don’t hear from her for ten days. That’s not a good sign. No bueno.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.