When Men Fail To Lead In Relationships, Their Women Resent It

What happens when men fail to lead in their relationships and their women start to resent them and be nasty.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter titled, “How To Give Her Space To Miss You When You Live Together” and he shares an update. They recently moved in together and moved to a new city. He is a struggling musician, and she is successful in the corporate world making more money than him. Lately he has been making his girlfriend his mommy and it is not going well.

They are in relationship therapy, but his girlfriend really resents him and is often very nasty to him. He is failing to be the leader and she feels like his Mommy. He’s unsure if he wants to continue in the relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, When Men Fail To Lead In Relationships, Their Women Resent It.

Well, I’ve got an email. This particular guy, he’s been following me for about five years, and he says he’s read 3% Man 25 times. Sometime in the past year I guess, he emailed me previously. And that particular video newsletter was titled, “How To Give Her Space To Miss You When You Live Together.”

So, what’s happened is that she works in the corporate world. They just moved to New York City, from where it was they lived in the past. They’re living together. He’s not making much money because he’s a struggling musician, and she makes really good money in the corporate world. So, she’s making more than him.

And he admits that he’s made the mistake, because he’s going through a difficult time of making her his “Mommy.” She actually came right out and said, “I feel like your Mommy.” And he’s like, she doesn’t know anything about your work. And he says, so that got his attention. So, they’re in therapy, couples counseling, trying to help. But he says she’s just nasty to him all the time.

He’s like, “Do I just tap out now and leave? Or what do I do?” And so, as a Coach, my job, my goal, when I do these emails, or I’m coaching somebody, is to get them to clean up their behavior. So, they’re always acting attractive and displaying their most attractive, good character traits that women are attracted to. And to cut out all the negative behavior that’s turning women off.

Not only will it help them attract, like in this case, his girlfriend back, but it will make him attractive to other women in general. And that also is helpful, especially when your girl, who’s treating you like a second-class citizen, sees that other pretty girls are interested in you, and want to talk to you, and are showing you attention.

So, it’s super important to get that cleaned up because if he doesn’t clean up his unattractive behavior, her feelings are not going to come back, and eventually the relationship is going to end. So, it doesn’t matter whether he gets her back or not or he turns the relationship around.

What’s most important is that he cleans up his unattractive behavior. And then that will put them in the best possible position to potentially re-attract her back and gain her respect and affection again, or to attract somebody younger and hotter. An upgrade.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been following you for about 5 years and have read The Book 25 times.

I emailed you about my needing space from my girlfriend earlier this year, which you answered in a video, “How To Give Her Space To Miss You When You Live Together.”

And obviously we did the, “How To Give Her Space To Miss You When You Live Together.” That was the original email.

The relationship was definitely the best I’ve ever had, and she was all over me, but I’ve been slipping up recently. I’ve done everything you say not to do: being perturbed, arguing, and making her my “Mommy.”

Her words, she’s never seen your videos. I’ve fucked up in a lot of ways, and I’m taking action to correct it. 

The thing is, when these problems and conflicts have come up, she gets really nasty.

So, when women get really nasty and really bitchy, assuming they’re a normal, healthy woman, it’s because you’re displaying weakness and they don’t respect you, and you’re not man enough. In other words, you’re not acting like a man. And so, they become nasty to you to provoke a reaction.

Obviously, as he says, he gets really perturbed and really irritated because masculinity is calm instead of reacting calmly to her. He gets really angry and upset and just escalates things. In essence, dumps more gasoline on the fire, which just causes things to spin out of control.

Turns her off even more, and further cements her opinion that he’s no longer the right guy for her. So those kinds of things are not going to help it. So, he knows what he’s doing wrong, but it’s obvious he’s having a really hard time exercising self control.

The thing is, when these problems and conflicts have come up, she gets really nasty. She’ll be incredibly mean to me, try to pick apart what I’m saying in a very condescending way (as if I’m an idiot who can’t have cohesive opinions), argue with what I’m saying, interrupt me, raise her voice, and has continuously threatened to break up with me.

So, when she does that, you just say, “Look, you’ve got to be nice to me. You’ve got to be calm to me.” And if she just keeps acting like a hothead, just say, “All right, I’m going to go for a drive. I’m going to go see my mom. I’m going to go for a walk in the park. I’m going to take the dogs to the park” or whatever.

Just say, “When you calm down and you’re ready to talk to me like an adult, we can do that. But you’re not going to abuse me.” This is, “I’m over this.” And so, more than likely, he’s sitting there taking this abuse which enables it and encourages it.

So, when a woman treats you with disrespect like this one is, you just kindly ask her to stop in a calm manner. If she won’t, then you just leave and you go do something else. It doesn’t mean you break up with her, it just means you leave the house. You leave where you are, and you go do something without her.

And tell her, “When you calm down and you’re ready to be nice and sweet and talk like an adult, I’m happy to sit and listen to your concerns and we can work things out. But I’m not going to sit here and be your punching bag, or have you condescend to me and be nasty to me. I don’t need this in my life and you’re not going to treat me that way. You need to treat me with respect if you want to talk to me. And if you can’t do that, I’m not going to be around, as simple as that.”

Strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away, and mean it. And if you just let a girl abuse you and you sit there and you take it like a dog that’s been kicked one too many times, you’re not standing up for yourself. Which further invites more disrespect.

And part of the problem is you’re not standing up for yourself. You’re not leaving when she’s nasty. You’re just sitting there and taking it and letting her browbeat you, which displays weakness. And that’s why she does even more of it and gets even nastier. Because deep down, she knows you shouldn’t be putting up with her crap like this.

She says I do all the same things to her, but I’ve never threatened to break up, talked down to her, or tried intentionally to hurt her. She’s admitted she tries to hurt me the same way I hurt her. She takes things very personally and can be combative. I’ve told her many times she has to control her temper and that she has to be nice to me if we’re going to talk.

Well, this is part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. And so, when you tell her you’ve got to be nice, and then after that you allow her to be nasty to you, and you sit there, and you take it. Well, you’re not congruent with your words. So, 100% of the time you need to be consistent with that.

So, if you told her not to be combative and to control her temper, and if she wants to talk, she’s going to have to be nice to you. And as soon as she starts being disrespectful, you tell her to stop. And if she won’t, then you leave. Simple as that.

And again, get in your car, go for a drive, go see your mom. Go hang out and have a beer with your guy friends. Go to the gym, clean out the garage. Just create some space and distance. Because what it teaches her is if she’s nice and sweet, you stick around.

And if she’s an insufferable cunt, then you’re going to leave. And she can sit there by herself. But if eight out of ten times you do that, but time number nine and ten, you put up with it, then you’re not being consistent. You’re vacillating back and forth between being masculine and being feminine.

In other words, you’re not consistent. And women need consistency from the men in their lives. You can’t act like a man for a year and then go through a six-month period where you’re just going to flail around, and not be a man, and try to turn her into your mommy. Because she will lose all respect for you.

And you see what happens. Women become very nasty and very bitchy because they don’t feel safe with you. They don’t trust you, they don’t trust your leadership. They don’t believe in you, because you put up with abuse. Any self-respecting man is just not going to put up with this crap.

It constantly feels like she’s trying to have control of the relationship; it feels like a constant power battle.

Yeah, because when you’re displaying weakness, you’re forcing her into her masculine, which is not her natural essence, and she resents the hell out of it. And that’s why she, in essence, starts acting like another dude. Because you’re showing up and acting like a bitch, and taking it. You’re allowing her to browbeat you. And you put up with it. Instead of just taking off and going and doing something else.

I’ve been in a shitty place. We recently moved to New York City together (we’re living together now), and I was stressed out and she felt like she had to be the man. Big mistake, I know. I’m making a lot less than her because I’m pursuing music and she has a corporate job.

I realize it was my anxiety about finances and my future in music that fucked things up. We’re in Relationship Counseling now, and I’m working on being a 3% Man again. I want to make things work, but I feel like she’s giving up by threatening to break up constantly and saying she feels “defeated” at the end of our last conflict; that things won’t get better. 

Well, again, you’re standing there and you’re arguing with her. It’s right out of The Book Men who understand women, don’t argue with them. You talk things out in a calm, rational manner. And if she wants to be an ass, she gets the gift of missing you.

Simple as that. Those are the principles. And you’re not following. So, you shouldn’t be surprised that she’s being a complete jackass to you. But her threatening to break up. You also should have the attitude of, “Hey, if you think you can do better than me, then go.”

As Tom petty said. But remember, good love is hard to find. If I don’t take you all the way, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find. You need to have the attitude that, “If you’re not going to treat me the way I want to be treated, I’ll be sad that you’re gone.”

“But at the end of the day, I’m going to be excited because I know down the road, I’m going to attract somebody better. Who will treat me with respect because our relationship is going to end because you were incapable of being a nice, good, loving, supportive girlfriend.”

And she’s not doing that. She’s not being supportive. She’s being an asshole to you, and you’re allowing her to do it, and you’re inviting her to do it. You’re enabling her behavior. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.

What would you do, Coach? I don’t know how much longer I want to stick this out if this keeps up.

Best,

Bob

Again, you got to leave. You got to set, and enforce healthy boundaries, properly, consistently. Not half the time, not 40% of the time, not 70% of the time. Or 95% of the time. 100% of the time! You have to be consistent. Because as soon as you slip up and allow her to do it, she’s going to lose respect.

She’s going to become more bitchy, more nasty. And then the cycle repeats itself. So, you’re inviting her to treat you this way by the fact that you just stick around, and you put up with it. Again, you have to be consistent, because every time she’s an ass to you, you leave. You go for a drive.

You go hang out with your friends. You come back later in the day. Later in the evening, late at night. Take a shower, go to bed, whatever. But you’re not. You’re never, ever going to be around her, if she’s going to be nasty. It is not fucking worth it. Life is too short.

If a woman cannot exercise self-control, if she won’t be respectful, if she wants to be a bitch just because she’s in a bad mood, or it’s that time of the month or whatever. Or she’s just pissed off about something, you do not have to sit there and take it.

But if you do, you’re communicating to her, “Hey, please continue to abuse me. This is wonderful. This is what I like,” and she will continue to give that to you in hopes. Because what’s really going on is deep down, she’s hoping that you’ll stand up to her and tell her no, that it’s inappropriate.

If she won’t stop, then you’re going to disappear, for a few hours. Or a day or so, or the rest of the day, or whatever it happens to be. You have to do it. You can’t be totally inconsistent like this and wonder why your girl is acting this way.

Because you’re no longer acting like a man is supposed to act. You’re allowing her to abuse you. So come on, dude, have some self-respect and stand up for yourself. You don’t have to be a dick. You don’t have to be mean. You just very kindly and lovingly, and matter of factly, and even playfully, tell her that her behavior is inappropriate. “Wow, you’re in a really good mood today.”

If she keeps it up, you just say, “Look, I’ve told you, don’t talk to me like that.” If she continues on, just grab your keys, grab your stuff, and then walk right out the door. You don’t even need to say another word. She can be going, “Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!” As you’re walking out the door. It’s like, you’re not even going to say anything to her.

She texts, you, “Where you at?!?” Just don’t even respond. Go do your own thing. She’ll learn every time. She’s like, “AHHHH” that you leave. If she’s nice to you, you’re happy to hear her out. You’ll stay up all night if you have to, to talk something out. But when she’s a cunt, you disappear. Simple as that.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.