When She Complains She Needs More Of You, Give It To Her!

Why a woman complaining about not hearing from you means you should see her more.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was too much of a cold fish over text and made things a little weird, awkward and potentially creepy in his date logistics. After thinking their 1^st date went well, he had a 2^nd date set, but she canceled at the last minute. I critique his approach so he has a better chance for success next time. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “When She Complains She Needs More Of You, Give It To Her!”

So this particular email is from a viewer who was too much of a cold fish over text. And on top of that, he kind of made things a little weird and awkward and potentially creepy while he was setting up his dating logistics for I believe it was their second date. So the first date, he says it went well and he was supposed to have a second date. He had it all set, but she cancelled at the last minute and he asked me to kind of critique his approach so he would have a better chance for success next time around.

So before I get into it, the one thing we’ve got to understand that I discussed in 3% Man is that when it comes to attraction, if a woman really likes you, like, say you meet a girl and she’s just smitten with you, it’s like kind of love at first sight, almost for her. She’s really super into you. So on a scale of 1 to 10, her initial attraction level might be a 7 or an 8, because for whatever reason, you just do it for her. So when that’s the case, you can make a bunch more mistakes, unattractive mistakes, unattractive behavior, and she’ll still like you because her interest starts out so high.

But if her interest starts low, meaning on a scale of 1 to 10, her interest is only like a 5, maybe a 6 on a good day, you’re like barely holding on by your fingernails. And so you really can’t make too many mistakes and have her still stay interested. You can make 1 or 2 mistakes and boom, that’s all it takes. And she doesn’t want to see you anymore. So there’s a caveat to that. So the higher her interest initially, the more you can fuck up. The lower her interest, the less you can fuck up before you blow it completely.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

My name is Bob, I’m 30 years old, and I recently moved to Arizona. I’ve read your book six times and have been following you for six months.

So once a month, that’s pretty good. It’s good progress. You could have done more. I typically suggest that you listen to the audiobook on 2X and then follow along with a digital or physical copy, so you can get through it in about four hours.

I met a girl on Bumble, and we exchanged seven messages back and forth before I said I had to run and was looking forward to our date. She replied, “Lol, so we’re not going to talk in between that time then?”

So if you’re meeting somebody online, instead of just sending a few texts back and forth and then making a date, if it was me, I would want to talk to her on the phone. I’d want to hear her voice and see how she carries a conversation. Do I like talking to her? Do I like the sound of her voice? Does she sound nice or is she fucking boring as hell? Or is she just not got much of a personality? Those would be things that I would want to know if I’m going to do online dating instead of just, sending a bunch of texts back and forth, getting her to agree to a date, and then just showing up at a at a venue hoping she looks like her pictures, and hoping you’re going to actually enjoy talking with her.

Because there will be women you’ll get on the phone, and after you talk to him for a few minutes, you’ll be like, uh, this is not what I expected, and you won’t want to meet him. And so you’re just going to have more dates, you’re going to go on where the girl’s not going to look like her pictures, and you’re not going to, like talking to her, and then you’re going to be thinking, oh, well, I’ve got to spend maybe 20 minutes, maybe 30 minutes. I’ll have one drink and then I’ll excuse myself and leave. If you just have a simple 10 to 15 minute phone call to feel the girl out, see if the conversation flows.

Does it go well? Do you like talking to her? Does she seem like talking to you? Does she have a good attitude? Does she like to liked to joke around. Is she easygoing? Easy to get along with? That type of thing. And if you only are texting and trying to set dates because that’s where he’s getting right here, she’s just basically he texted back and forth and she expected he was going to continue texting with her until the date, so she could kind of feel more comfortable and get to know him. So that’s what he’s encountering right here. He’s getting a little resistance after she said that, “oh, we’re not going to talk until we meet.”

I replied, “I know, I know, I’m just busy with work and building furniture in my new apartment.” She responded, “Okay, sounds like you’re going to blow me off,” to which I said, “Lol. Not at all. I’ll be there.” On the day of the date, I texted, “I will see you at 7!” Wrong move, I know.

So he’s confirming the date. If you were worried about her not keeping it and just not showing up, then what you could have done is if you’re originally planned to meet at 7:00. You could text her like 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon and said, “hey, you, I’m running a little late. Um, can we meet at 7:30 instead of 7:00? Does that work for you?” And if she was planning on blowing you off or standing you up or not showing up, she can go, “oh, I completely forgot about it.” Or, “Oh, something came up. I can’t make it.” And that way you don’t waste your time going there and getting stood up, especially again if you’re just relying upon, like in this case, he met her on Bumble. So he’s for the most part relying on a dating app.

The date went well, and we talked for two and a half hours about everything. We had drinks, and I ordered an appetizer. I noticed her playing with her hair. We were seated at a half-circle booth, and she didn’t move closer during the date; she stayed where she was the whole time. However, when I walked her to her car afterward, she was bumping into me as we walked.

Well, you’re not following what’s in the book because as the book says, you should have had a second venue and then a third venue because the idea is you’re trying to facilitate seduction. And typically on a first date like this, with somebody you’re meeting for the first time, then you’re usually going to have to spend about 4 or 5 hours with them to get them warmed up to where they’re ready, potentially to sleep with you. But you did what most every guy does, which is you make a date, you go to the restaurant, you have your meal, and then boom, the date’s over and you leave. So if you’re trying to move things to the promised land, then you should have had someplace where you can have a drink or two and maybe an appetizer.

And if that goes really well, then you can go someplace for dinner. And, you know, it’s like each time you’re spending a little bit more money and you’re doing something to take it a little further. And then after dinner you should have, like miniature golf, or maybe throwing axes or throwing darts, or maybe shooting pool, bowling, maybe a Dave & Busters type of thing where you can play video games, something that facilitates physical interaction between the two of you. Maybe like a Top Golf type of thing because you can eat there. You can drink there. If she doesn’t know how to golf or swing the club, you can put your arms around her and show her how to hold it so it facilitates physical interaction. And when you’re at the third venue, typically that is a place that facilitates physical touching and physical interaction.

You can do “The Kiss Test”. And if she looks at your lips when you’re doing “The Kiss Test” and you kiss her and you start making out, then you can say, especially after spending 4 or 5 hours together, say, “hey, why don’t we get out and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine, or pop a bottle of champagne and hop in the Jacuzzi or whatever it happens to be.” But he didn’t do that. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just going to push the seduction out to further in the future, because you’ll see that he makes a mistake in how he goes to set up the second date.

We hugged and kissed on the lips goodbye. One detail, the restaurant was across a busy four-lane street from my apartment complex, and she mentioned she wanted to drop me off because she felt bad I had to walk across.

So you’re like a human Frogger game. There was an old video game. It was one of the original video games in the early 80s called Frogger. It’s like a frog basically getting across a busy highway without getting run over. And so that’s kind of, if I was on a date, I would not want my date to see me running across the highway to get back to my apartment. And the other thing is she says, “oh, I don’t want you to have to run across the four lane highway”, you know? And she offers to drop you off. And I’m like, great, because think about this. She drives over to your place to drop you off. You can say, “hey, why don’t you come in and have a glass of wine with me before you go?” She can say, “oh, no, I’ve got to get going.” “Hey. No problem.” You can still invite her in. Maybe she says, “okay, well, just one drink then.” So you can have a drink. Start making out. Some more heavy petting. Maybe you put a movie on. Maybe you end up hooking up right there. So that was a missed opportunity.

I told her she was being silly and wished her a good night.

If it was me, I would have taken the ride. Just cause it kind of looks bad, it looks kind of weird. You running across a highway. She probably sat there in her car and just watched you dodging traffic. So. But you know what’s done is done. If it was me, I would have said, okay, that’d be great. I would have let her give me a ride, you know, drop me off the next day.

The next day, she didn’t reach out to say she had a good time and went radio silent.

Well, that is kind of normal. You had one date, you spent two and a half hours and then you dipped. And then on top of that, she watched you play Frogger on the highway.

I caved around 3 PM and told her I had a great time and gave her my number.

So you’re definitely overeager. I would have waited a couple of days, two, three days, four days, and then reached out to set the next date. But you were pretty eager, probably were thinking, oh, I bet I can bang her this next date. And so, you see, he makes a mistake here as he’s trying to set the date.

I caved around 3 PM and told her I had a great time and gave her my number as we were still messaging on the app. She texted that she “felt honored to get my number so early.”

Well, again, if you’d have done things the way I would have done it, I would have had her number and I would have been talking on the phone before I would have even invited her to meet for a drink or anything. Just because if you do it enough, and you go on enough online dates, you’re going to come across women that don’t look like their pictures, maybe because they’ve gained weight or the pictures are old. And on top of that, you’re going to sometimes start talking to a woman that you never talked to, you just texted with.

And you’re going to realize really quickly that you don’t like talking to her. She’s fucking boring. But you can’t tell that when you’re just texting. But it’s your life. You do what you want to do. My goal is to save you time and save you money so you don’t waste your time and money going out with girls that you shouldn’t be going out with. But if you’re young and you want to reinvent the wheel and learn the hard way, it’s have at it, dude.

I asked what she meant, and she said she didn’t know, that I could be giving my number out to other women. I replied, “If you’re saying I’m attractive, I appreciate it!” She said, “I’ll confirm it for you, you’re attractive.”

So just the fact that you say something like that, if you’re saying I’m attractive, I appreciate it. Well, you should be presupposing So it should come from the place of you offering a compliment as if you know she finds you attractive. But the way you say it, the way you phrase it, you sound like you’re unsure of whether or not she finds you attractive, even though she does confirm it for you. You’re making a statement that’s not coming from a place of confidence and presupposing that of course, she already likes you.

Because, as the book says, you should have the attitude that all women want you. I mean, obviously that’s not going to be true, but you should presuppose that in the beginning and then act from that place. It’s a better place to be mindset wise, because it influences what you say. And most importantly, it influences the tone of your voice and how you say it.

We exchanged about six light-hearted messages back and forth, and I asked her for a second date. After she asked when I was free, we scheduled a date for Friday. I told her to meet me at my apartment complex at 7, that it would be fun, and a surprise.

Well, I wouldn’t be having her come over to your house like that when she hasn’t been there. Because right away she’s going to be thinking, oh, he’s going to try to get me to go in his apartment and have sex with me. Women aren’t stupid. You’re not being clever here. And since she hasn’t been to your house, hasn’t been inside. I would not be inviting her over. I don’t recommend inviting her straight over to your place like that. Because if her interest is not that high, she’ll probably dip on you.

She followed up asking what to wear, and I told her we’d be walking around downtown, so casual attire and tennis shoes, and to bring her attractive self. She replied, “Oooooo.” She asked how my day was, and I told her it was great and asked about hers. She replied it was fine and that she was really busy at work. This exchange happened over three days, as I was busy and took hours to respond each time.

Well, you may have taken that a little too far to where it looked like you were purposely not responding on purpose. I was doing a phone session with a guy last night who had his read receipts on, and so he would read her text and then text her back 3 or 4 hours later. It’s like, if you’re doing that, then she sees that you read it, and then you wait 3 or 4 hours to reply. It looks like you’re doing it on purpose. You’re purposely waiting to get back to her. And if the average woman thinks that you’re playing games and jerking them around on purpose, then you might get ghosted because of that. So you got to think about these things and how they’re received. Ideally, you should turn off your read replies so people don’t know when you read their text. It’s more mysterious that way.

I didn’t text for two days until she reached out asking, “Are you just not a big texter?” I replied, “Honestly, not really.”

So the point of the video, if she says, “are you not a big texter?” You could say, “are you missing me? Are you telling me that you’re missing me already?” It’s always better to answer a question like that with another question. Because it moves the conversation in a completely different direction. And so what she’s really saying is, “hey, I want to talk to you more. I want more of your presence. I’m kind of missing you.” And so that’s what you should understand about that. Is that in a way, she’s kind of complaining. “Hey, I’d like to talk to you some more.”

And so you could also say, “are you saying that you can’t wait until we meet for our date and you want to see me sooner?” You’d say something like that and see how she responds. Or you could say, “well, you got my number is there something you want to chat about. Is there something you want to get off your chest? Did something happen today that you want to share with somebody? I got 20 minutes if you want to want to call, we can chat for a bit.” Because the danger in here is because she hasn’t been to your house. You don’t know her that well. You’re inviting her to come to your place, and she clearly doesn’t feel like she has enough rapport with you and doesn’t feel safe and comfortable enough.

I replied, “Honestly, not really I like to see and meet in person and not talk and text on the phone. I understand this can be an issue, though.” She didn’t respond to that message.

Yeah, I wouldn’t have said that.

I didn’t hear anything back until the morning of the date, when I texted that I was looking forward to 7 P.M.

Again. If you had a definite date, there’s no need to do that. If you were worried about her standing you up, you could have just texted her like I mentioned earlier in the video that, “hey, I’m running behind at work, can we meet at 7:30 instead of 7:00 does that work for you?”

She didn’t reply until two hours before the date, saying she wasn’t totally feeling up to it and that the lack of texting/communication had thrown her off.

In other words, you turn me off. You’re acting kind of weird. You want me to just come over to your house. You don’t want to talk through text or through a phone. In other words, in this case, you don’t really have enough rapport with her. But the thing to understand about this is that when a woman says something like that, when she’s basically letting you know she’s not happy with the texting frequently, or if you’ve been dating for a while, we never get together. We never do anything. All I do is come over to your house because guys like this, after they start hooking up, will just start inviting the girl over every time for a date, and then they never go anywhere.

And it’s the same thing over and over, and that’s fine for a couple of weeks. But after 3 or 4 weeks of that, she starts to realize he’s just treating me like a booty call, and then she’ll start being difficult. Maybe she’ll cancel dates, or she’ll tell you work is crazy and just won’t make herself available for you. And so the feedback that this guy should be taking from this is that she clearly doesn’t feel like they have enough rapport, she doesn’t feel comfortable driving over to his house, and he’s coming off as a little weird because he doesn’t want to text her.

And instead of being playful and jovial about it and recognizing that she wants to talk to me a little bit more, and coming from that place, it’s almost like he’s apologetic for his kind of being weird. Oh, I know it can be an issue, though. I wouldn’t have said that. Again. You got to think about what you’re saying and how you say it and how the woman is going to take that, and the fact that she just didn’t even respond. She probably looked at that and was like, this guy’s weird. He wants me to come to his house. I’ve never been to his house. He doesn’t want to text in the phone.

It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t make a woman, a woman that doesn’t know you really well. She’s not going to feel safe. Her spidey senses are going to be like, hey, something’s a little off with this guy. You know, if you’ve been dating a girl for a while and she complains, oh, I haven’t heard from you all week. Don’t go into a rationalization and making an excuse for why she hasn’t heard from you all week. Understand that what she’s really saying is. “Oh, I wish I’d heard from you some more. I wish I could have seen you some more.” So if she’s coming from that place, and she says, “oh, I haven’t heard from you all week.” It’s like, “you know, it’s really great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. We should get together. What’s your schedule like?”

Go right into making a date and creating a get together. If she’s like, “oh, I haven’t heard from you all day, it’s like you were taking so long to reply to my messages.” “Oh, sorry, babe, I’ve been in and out of meetings, but why don’t you come over? Let’s catch up. I want to see you.” And that is in the case where she’s already been to your house. You’ve already been sleeping together. You’ve been dating for a few weeks. Just understand that when she complains about not talking enough, not texting enough, not seeing you enough, not hearing from you enough, all she’s really saying is, “I want to hear more of you and more from you.”

So arrange the next get together. Even if you’ve got a date, set up a week in advance and she’s like, “hey, haven’t heard from you in a couple of days.” It’s like, “it sounds like you miss me. Well, if you’re saying you can’t hold out until our date next week, why don’t we get together later tonight? Why don’t you come on by?” And invite her over. You don’t have to go on an “official date.” And that’s again assuming she’s been to your house and you’re already sleeping together. You can say things like that.

Because as a woman’s interest goes up, she’s going to talk more and text more and see you more. And that’s why you take measured steps and you only set one date per week typically that you initiate. But when she’s reaching out to you first, even though you may have a date set up, or maybe you haven’t talked in a couple of days and she’s wondering if you’re going to reach out or not. Anytime she kind of seems bothered by not talking enough or texting enough, or seeing you enough, just facilitate a get together even quicker.

She said she didn’t feel like we had built a connection and apologized for bailing so late, saying she had been going back and forth all day about it.

That just tells me she didn’t feel safe and comfortable with you enough to come to your house. That’s why I was saying earlier, it’s a mistake on the second date to just invite her over to your house because more than likely he’s thinking, oh, she’ll come over, I’ll invite her in, and then we’ll just fuck, and then maybe we’ll go out, or maybe we won’t. Again, women are not stupid. You’re not the first guy she’s gone out on a date with, and so she knows what a guy is thinking, expecting and wanting, when on your second date, you just want her to come over to your place. And especially when you’re being evasive in texts like you are, she starts to think there’s something weird or off about you. And she doesn’t feel safe and that’s why she bailed. And the reason she bailed is because her interest wasn’t very high to begin with.

I told her no worries and thanked her for communicating how she felt. I added that if she changed her mind, she could reach out and we could get together another time. My question is, was I too much of a cold fish?

Yes.

Did the first date not go as well as I thought?

Well, I would have taken her to a second and a third venue and made sure the date lasted four or five hours. If you were hoping to seduce her and get her back to your place. But it just sounds like you did one thing, kissed her and sent her on her way. So you only spent two and a half hours? Again, typically to sleep with a woman, you got to spend about four or five hours with them. So it wasn’t enough. And so say you had done that, say you had spent four or five hours with her, you went to three venues. And then when you were all over each other, you took her back to your place and you laid the pipe. Then when you’re setting the second date up, say, “hey, come by my place and scoop me up.” She would have felt comfortable because she already been there.

Maybe she even spent the night. So that would have been okay. But you met her online. She hasn’t been to your place. She saw you running across the highway. You could have been some dude that didn’t even live there. Was living under a bridge. He just doesn’t know. Because, again, she met you online and only spent two and a half hours with you, and you didn’t talk on the phone before you met. You just texted a few times, then met up. So if you would have invited her to to meet at some other venue like you did this one, she may have kept the date, but again, just from her response, she’s not super into it.

Or did I text too much at the beginning and set the wrong tone from there? Just thought this would be an interesting situation worth a read for a Newsletter. I felt like she was genuine in her reasons for canceling.

Well, she didn’t feel safe and comfortable with you because she hadn’t been to your house before and hadn’t slept with you yet, and the vibe that you gave her was that you were probably she’s going to come over, knock on your door, and then you’re going to try to get her into your place. And that’s why she’s going back and forth all these scenarios in her mind. Because again, she doesn’t know you yet. You don’t have enough rapport with her.

But the lack of texting in between dates seemed to turn her off. I’d love to hear your thoughts, and thanks for all the work you do.

Bob

Well, like I said, I would have handled things differently from the way you did. Um, my suggestion is if you’re going to mostly date exclusively, you got to understand that if you’re going to invite women over to your place, they have to have already been there and you have to have hooked up with them in your place already. And maybe they spent the night so you’re not weird and creepy. And then if you want to invite them over to your place, if, you know, like, say, she’s texting you at 8:00, 9:00 at night. “Hey, what are you doing?” Just say, “come over.” Assume she wants a booty call even if you might have a date set up for three or four days, but if she’s texting you at 8:30 or 9:00 at night saying, “what are you doing?” Just say, “come over, I want to see you.”

And she’ll probably come over and you’ll hang out, have fun and hook up. But so you did things out of sequence. You weren’t really following the book. You’re kind of cherry picking and looked like you were a little lazy and you thought, “oh, she’s probably ready to sleep with me. I’ll just invite her over”, because that’s again how most guys think. And women typically know that and understand that. So you weren’t outsmarting her. All you did was look like you just burned a decent lead. Maybe she reaches out in the future. Maybe she doesn’t. I would assume you’ll probably never hear from her again, but it’s a 50/50 shot.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.