What you should do when a woman you are dating starts jerking you around, stops replying, leaves you hanging in mid-conversation, won’t make definite dates, etc., even though she may be contacting you first.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl that was only 17 when they first met. After she had turned 18, she had gotten in touch with him, and they started seeing each other. He was 10 years older than she is. After a few dates, they hooked up and had sex for the first time. He started really liking her and then made the mistake of starting to call and text her too much. He didn’t notice, but she started to back off, cancelled some dates, and gave him some flaky responses. He continued his over pursuing approach, and then it got to the point where she just started ignoring him altogether, or taking a long time to reply to his messages. He continued his barrage of over contact to the point where she basically blew him off. He exhibited typical needy and desperate behavior. He tried making multiple dates in the future while he still was on a current date with her. He basically went from looking like a confident older guy who had his shit together, to a guy who was treating her like she was the last woman on planet Earth. I critique his pickup, dating, and seduction game, and tell him what he needs to do differently to turn things around and have any chance of saving things with her.
Ever since the below situation of mine occurred, I’ve watched numerous videos of yours, read your book twice, and will continue to read it until I fully master your material. (That is what you need to be doing to improve your personal life. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate.)
I was 27 years old when I met this 17 year old girl at the club. She was cute and attractive, and I’ve hung out with her twice since I met her. At that time, I wasn’t interested in her romantically and sexually because she was underage, and way too young for me. In fact, one time after dinner, she came over my place, but I didn’t lay a finger on her because of the reasons above. We’ve kept in touch here and there, but we never met up. Fast forward to this past Halloween, she turned 18 and I turned 28, and I wanted her. I went to this Halloween music festival down in Seattle, and I found out she was there too. We met up briefly on the first day, met up again on the second day, and I ended up taking her home and had sex. Since that night, I’ve initiated contact to her 2-3 times, and I’ve set up a date with her on a Friday. Two days before the date, she messaged me and told me she forgot she had arranged to have dinner with her sister on Friday, and asked me if we could re-schedule. I asked her if Sunday works, and she counter offered me the following weekend. Then Friday came, and she shot a message saying to me that her sister had bailed, and asked me if I was still free. We went out that night and during dinner I mentioned to her if she wanted to go to a hockey game with me the following weekend, and she agreed to it. (You’re making dates at the last minute because you are over eager to see her which will shatter this woman’s image of you. You’re fearful and trying to force things. You shouldn’t be making future dates on a current date.) I brought her back to my place after dinner and I tried to have sex with her, but she declined. (If you run into resistance, take a step back until you can counter the resistance. You have to go through the process of seduction. You can’t shortcut it.) Here is where things started going south.
I texted her two days after our date, and we exchanged a few messages. I flirted with her on my last text, and she never responded to me. (The phone is for setting dates. You are dithering and hesitating at this point.) Two days before the hockey game, I texted her and asked if she was still down for the game. (Dating is like a game of tennis. You are supposed to wait for her to throw the ball over the net.) She made some BS excuse saying her co-workers are throwing a party that night. I responded with, “No worries, some other time then.” Five days later, Nov 19, she shot me a text asking how I’ve been. We exchanged a few messages, and she told me she’s going clubbing on Saturday, Nov 22, more on this later. I got to the point and asked her to hang out next week. She told me she might go to the states for Black Friday shopping, and she will let me know. I responded by saying, “Let’s together on a weekday, because I have a birthday to attend on the weekend.” (When she reached out, you should have set a definite date. Be direct, be decisive, and go for for what you want.) She asked me “When is the birthday?” I responded “Friday,” and she never replied. On Nov 22, she messaged me again, and asked me if I was at this club. Before I had a chance to reply her message, I bumped into her inside this club. We said “Hi,” and gave each other a hug, and went our separate ways. Half hour later in the club, I texted her to come drink with me, and she asked me where I was. I told her the location of my table, but she never show up. I haven’t contacted her since, and she hasn’t contacted me either.
Coach, can you please shed some light on the situation? Is her interest below 50? Should I initiate contact? What should I do? (You should do nothing. Assume it’s over and you will never hear from her again. If she reaches out in the future, set a definite date.)
My response to him:
You’ve been making several mistakes. You’re trying to set future dates when you’re still on a current date with her, you’re dropping everything at the last minute to spend time with her, which makes you too easy and too available, and you’re guilty of not making definite dates with a definite day, a definite place and a definite time to get together, just you and her. When you try to make plans with a woman and she leaves things up in the air or won’t make definite plans with you, the response is “give me a call when you figure out your schedule,” and then you must wait to hear from her. You’re acting a little needy and desperate in trying to force things, instead of backing off and letting her come to you. With a woman who is treating you this way, you should take your time replying to her. She stops conversations, just stops replying, and then blows you off. When a woman does that to you, the proper response is to do nothing and to just wait to hear from her. Dating is like a game of tennis. You hit one ball over the net at a time, and you wait for her to hit it back. You’re hitting too many balls over the net, and not being patient enough for her to reply. At this point, wait to hear from her, and then when you do, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. Only ask her out on two consecutive occasions where she reaches out to you first, by saying “when are you free to get together?” If she’s vague, noncommittal, or evasive, then say “get in touch with me when you figure out your schedule, and we’ll plan something then,” and leave the conversation. From that point forward, you’re never going to bring up getting together again unless she brings it up first. You’re also only going to talk on the phone for 2-3 minutes max if she calls you, and only send 2-3 texts back and forth max if she texts you first, and always end a conversation with, “Hey it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” She’ll either bring up getting together, or stop contacting you. If she brings up getting together, make a definite date. From this point forward she must do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. Never contact her again. Move on with your life as if it’s over, and you will never hear from her again. Start dating new women. You need to be practicing the things I teach in my book. Read it 10-15 times.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“People will only start jerking you around and taking you for granted if you start to act like you’re not worthy of them keeping you around, and don’t think you’re good enough. Everyone has known people throughout their lives who allowed other people to abuse them emotionally, verbally, or even physically. Nobody wants to hang around other people who constantly act needy, clingy, or who try to force themselves upon us, because they don’t feel like we want them around. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. We deserve to have the kind of people in our lives that we want, but we also need to make sure that the people whose lives we want to be in, also want us in theirs. Don’t take it personally when other people don’t immediately see your value and want to keep you around. You must continue to circulate and keep your options open in order to eventually come across potential friends, lovers, career or business opportunities where there is mutual desire, want, need, and respect.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne