When She Says Maybe It Usually Means No

Why a woman saying maybe usually means no to your request.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who just had a great first date with a woman who knocked his socks off. However, he’s already starting to act dopey and is cooing like a dove. She had told him she would maybe see him before he left traveling for three weeks, but never reached out. Now he’s thinking about contacting her again to drool all over her and confess his dopey feelings.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who had a great first date with a Brazilian hottie who obviously knocked his socks off. However, he’s already basically taken the book and ready to throw it out the window like a frisbee because he’s getting dopey and he’s starting to coo like a dove. He had one date. Looks like they hooked up, but he’s traveling to Thailand for three weeks. So he thought, “Well, I want to squeeze one more date in.” So he tried to make another date right away. She’s got elderly parents that she’s taking care of, so she doesn’t have a lot of free time and hasn’t dated very much in the last several years because she’s taking care of her parents.

So it shows that she’s a pretty awesome human being, taking care of mom and dad, who did everything for when she couldn’t take care of herself when she was little. Now she’s paying them back. She’s not sticking them in an old folks home. And just saying “pfft!” Typically when people don’t care about their parents, they don’t like their parents, they don’t have the time, throw them in an old folks home and not worry about them. Unfortunately, that happens a lot. It’s very rare for people to have their elderly and dying parents staying at home and taking care of them, or hospice care, having a nurse, that kind of thing.

So I’ve seen in my own family. My aunt, she’s got I believe, four brothers and sisters? Five brothers and six sisters? Nobody wanted to take her in. They were like, “Oh, let’s put her in a home,” and she’s like, “Are you kidding me? After everything she did for us?” She’s like, “No, I’ll take care of her.” So they took care of her, or my aunt took care of her, I should say. They came to visit occasionally, but obviously as soon as she passed, everybody’s got their hands out wanting their part of the inheritance, which is kind of the way it goes. That’s the way it is. It’s tough.

So it shows that she’s a good, nurturing woman. She said, “Maybe we could see each other before you leave,” and he says, “OK, no problem. Let me know when you figure out your schedule.” “Well, of course.” She never reached out. He was trying to set another date and squeeze it in, which again, I wouldn’t have advised that. He got a little dopey. Now he’s thinking about sending this dopey message and drooling all over her while he’s in Thailand to let her know how much he really, really, super duper likes her. As if that’s going to have some kind of effect on her interest.

So women don’t care what a great guy you are or how handsome you are. In this case, what a great kisser he is, because she really liked the way he kissed, and I assume she liked the way he was in bed. Maybe, maybe not. She never did call him or text him like she said. Now he’s thinking he needs to reach out and drool all over her, as if that’s going to make her like him more. When you got a woman that’s got all this stuff going on in her life, and you hook up one time and it’s like you just start giving off girlfriend/boyfriend vibes right away, and you’re not congruent with the things that you say, because normally, under normal circumstances, he gave her the opportunity to reach out because she said “maybe.” Well, she never did.

So if it was me, she didn’t do what she said she was going to do, then when I got back in town, three weeks later, four weeks later or whatever it was, then I would hit her up and try to make a date. If she just gives the same wishy-washy response, you say, “Hey, no problem. Figure out your schedule and get back to me. I’d love to see you.” One of two things will happen: She’ll either reach back out and then you assume she figured out her schedule. So you’re going to say, “Hey, great to hear from you! Well, did you figure out your schedule?” You don’t need to send 10 messages back and forth. Be direct. Be decisive. Get to the point and ask her out. If she says she’s going to check her schedule and never gets back to you, then I would probably assume in this case that even though he was a great kisser, he wasn’t that great in bed. If you’re really good in bed and you’re a really great kisser, she’s going to want second, third, and fourth helpings.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I would really appreciate the advice on this one.

I have been dating several women this past 15 months and Saturday past, no women has made the impression as this girl has to me.

Number one: She is a 10 out of 10 sexy Latina Brazilian woman…

Brazilians are hot. I’ve been there, dude. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt.

…Who I found to be just so attracted to and morally she is pitch perfect by what I saw and heard from our first date.

So he’s ready to put a ring on it. He’s like, “Give her the Stanley Cup. She won. This is the greatest thing ever. We’re gonna live happily ever after like a Disney movie!”

She works full-time plus looks after her parents who are old and really dependent on her as they have had some health complications lately so for the past two plus years she has been single and unavailable she said. She told me she can’t forsake her parents as they come first and life and dating has been placed on hold for the past while. I madly agreed and respect her for that as I told her and said, “Just play it casual and slow and put your family first as my own mum passed three months ago, so I know how important family are,” I told her.

Well, that’s what you said, but when you’re saying, “Hey, let’s take it casual,” then you’re immediately trying to set another date shows that you’re a little needy. You’re not really cool with it just being casual.

Anyways, after our coffee date, I took her for a drive to my home town and back to my place where she was made to feel so comfortable and madly confident in herself on the journey, which I found very attractive. Now I will leave the rest to your imagination…

It took me some time to get going, if you get my drift, as I was super nervous. There was tension and excitement which I run towards that pressure, which weirdly gives me a dopamine hit and euphoric feeling. I was that nervous of performing as I am always the first time together with new partners but rimming with confidence at the same time as once the first time happens. It’s all uphill from there, but it’s not so quite hard the first time, LOL.

Well, usually you say it’s downhill from there. Downhill means it gets easier. Uphill means it’s much harder. Think about it. You’re pushing something up a hill. It’s a lot more work and effort. If you’re coasting down the hill, you can hop on and ride it all the way down.

Anyways, in the mean time, I was passionately kissing all over her and giving her my best mouth game which she then stated after, “Oh my days! Where did you learn that and how are you so good with your tongue?”

So I assume he is talented with the cunnilingus. Maybe not just kissing.

I replied with, “Well darling, a gentleman never kisses and tells, but it comes down to experience, and yes I know I am good at that.”

The date then came to an end and I really wanted to see her again. The next day, as I am currently on a plane heading to Thailand for three weeks, so thought I would try and squeeze one more in before I left.

I wouldn’t have done that. If you’re literally leaving the next day or two days later, you should be packing and doing other things. Less really is more with the ladies, because when you try to do that, again, you’ll see the text that he wants to send to her. He just wants to drool all over her as if that’s going to have effect. He ignores the fact that she never did get in touch. She could have at least said, “Hey, had a really great time the other night. I really hope you have an awesome trip. Sorry we couldn’t get together before I leave or before you left, but hit me up when you’re back.” She said nothing, so it definitely looks like he’s way more into her than she is in him, but he’s kind of dopey and only focused on how much he likes her. So he’s kind of ignoring that.

So Sunday being the next day, she apologized, but couldn’t make it down to see me as she had a few things on but said, “Maybe tomorrow I can see you before you leave or when you come back in three weeks time.”

So he tried to see her the next day she said, nope, she’s busy, “But maybe tomorrow.” When a woman says “Maybe” it means no. It’s like they don’t want to just come out and say no, because again, a woman’s prerogative is to change your mind. Again, when you hear “Maybe” or “Well, let’s see,” or “Maybe,” it means no. 99% of the time “Maybe,” “We’ll see,” “Let’s see,” means no.

I said, “OK sure, you can let me know when you figure your schedule out and give me a shout tomorrow when I finish work at half and sure.”

Maybe left something out there. I think he’s from the UK, probably.

I didn’t message her Monday the next day as I left the ball in her court with saying, “Let me know.” I didn’t reach out as didn’t want to come across so keen and I feel she knows where I am if she wants to reach out.

Which the important thing to pay attention to is she never reached out. So again, you’re way more into her than she’s into you and you’re just on the verge of smothering her. It’s too much, too soon, dude. Women like mystery, and they like a guy that’s a challenge, and you’re making it way too easy.

I am currently sitting on a plane and have got this girl on my mind constantly and I haven’t even landed in Thailand yet for day one. I have been going back and forth whether or not to contact her as we haven’t been in touch for three or four days now.

I was like, “Oh my God, are you going to be OK? Are you going to be able to handle that? Did you bring your binky with you?” Come on, dude! Come on, man! You’ve been following me long enough to know that this is not the correct way or the masculine way to be thinking. You’re acting dopey. You’re getting all worried about where you stand with her. That’s not very masculine. At the end of the day, she said she’d get in touch, and she didn’t. So I’d hit her up when you get back in town. No need to send any texts or anything. What you’re ignoring is that she wasn’t willing to open up her schedule for you to see you. So she wasn’t as keen to see you as you were to see her. You got to pay attention to that because you’re only paying attention to how much you like her, and this is what blinds you from doing the right things.

I feel in my gut it would be best to maybe leave it and message her when I am back…

This is correct.

…About making another date or I just sent with no signal yet, which I am unsure of how it may come across. “Hey beautiful. How have you been doing with everything back home? Straight up you made quite the impression Saturday. Got you on my mind. You missing papi?”

That’s pretty needy. It’s like, come on, dude! You had one fucking date with her, and you sound like you’re ready to put a ring on her finger. You’ve been dating six months, so slow your roll! There’s no mystery there. Women like mystery.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and you basically want to vomit your feelings all over and tell her how much you really super duper like her and miss her. “I hope you’re missing me. Mommy, can I get some attention and validation, please? Can I get a little pat on the head?” Come on, dude. That’s not masculine at all. This is not how a man behaves. This is how a child behaves.

Any advice is always appreciated, Coach, as I don’t want to come across overly keen…

Well, you are and you have.

…Or to pursue too much or at the same time too little…

Well again, she’s not making any effort and she never got in touch. She could have at least said, “Hey sorry, I can’t. I’m not going to be able to get together with you today, but I wanted to wish you well on your trip.” Did she do that? Nope. She just didn’t even get back to you. So match and mirror that. You’re not important enough to even get a, “Hey, hope you have a great safe trip. Can’t wait to see you when you get back,” and you’re basically wanting to tell her that you think she’s the best thing you’ve ever met. You’re really missing her terribly, and you’re having a hard time concentrating on your trip because you can’t get her off your mind. It’s like, come on, dude. That’s not attractive at all.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and you’re trying to do the exact opposite and make it clear as day you can’t even concentrate on enjoying your vacation because you’re obsessing over her. That’s not going to make her like you more.

…So trying to find that balance and trying to gauge where her interest is as of speak is tricky as not much contact has been made by either of us.

Dude, you had one date and she told you she’s busy and she gave you a “maybe,” didn’t reach out. Yet you’re thinking of calling her and telling her how much you super duper like her, miss her, and want to know if she misses you too is going to somehow make her like you more. That’s going to turn her off. That’s how an obsessive guy behaves. If she’s a hot Brazilian, you’re like the 10,000th dude that’s acted that way and she’s used to blowing those guys off.

So if you want to get blown off and ghosted, start drooling all over her and then get back to us and tell us how great that goes. It’d be much better just to look at it and go, “Well, look at her actions. She really didn’t seem that excited to see me. She didn’t go out of her way, and she didn’t even lift a finger to see me. As a matter of fact, she didn’t even wish me a happy vacation.” She could have at least said, “Hey, I was hoping to see you today, but I just can’t. We’ll definitely get together when you get back.” She did nothing. She left it up in the air.

So do nothing, stop moving forward, and when you’re back in town, you’re rested for a couple days, and you’re over your jet lag, reach out and say, “Hey, you! I’m back in town. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And then just make the next date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. Keep it really simple.

I feel absence may make the heart grow fonder, so maybe not messaging that would have been a better idea?

Kind Regards,

Bob

Yeah, or I guess this means he already sent it. So I don’t know if he sent it or not. It’s kind of hard to tell by what he wrote here. Well, to be continued, because he sent several emails in. So we’ll see what happens with that situation, but less is really more.

Again, you had one date. If you’ve been dating for a month or two at that point, that’d be a different story. She would have made more of an effort to see you, but again, it was one date. You hooked up one time, and maybe the cunnilingus was good, but maybe the sex not so much because again, she wasn’t dying to see you again before you left. She was satiated. So pump the brakes, dude. Stop thinking about marrying her, putting a ring on her finger. You’re not that important to her. If we bottom line her actions, you’re just, “Hey, you had a good first date. We’ll see what happens.” That’s her attitude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.