When She Says She’ll Get Back To You But Doesn’t

What it means when a woman says she’ll get back to you but doesn’t.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose read 3% Man four times so far. A few months ago he met a girl he really liked and they hooked up. She was traveling for the next several weeks and he reached out to see if she was back, but she said in a few more weeks.

She said she’d contact him once she got back but it’s now been 17 days. He wants to contact her but asks how long he should wait. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who has read 3% Man four times so far. A few months ago, he met a girl he really liked and they hooked up. Then she was traveling for the next several weeks, and he reached out to see if she was back, but she said she was still going to be away for a few more weeks, that she would contact him when she got back. He says it’s now been 17 days, so a little over two weeks since he last heard from her and she still hasn’t contacted him. He wants to contact her even though he she says, “I’ll get in touch when I get back.” What that tells me is he really likes this girl, but he’s already fallen under the illusion of action and is too fearful to give her the space and time away from for him to either follow through on her plans or commitments, which in this case she says, “I will contact you when I get back in town because I want to see you,” or to flake out and disappear from his life forever. In other words, she won’t follow through on anything and just she’ll just disappear forever and ever.

This is part of loving and valuing yourself, is that if a woman commits to something, if you’re a guy that’s a high value dude, you’re used to people following through in their plans and commitments to you, then when you meet a woman and you have a great connection, you hook up and she says, “I’ll get in touch with you. I’ll call you this week or I’ll call you Monday,” you got to give her the space to do that, or to just dip and disappear, because if she doesn’t do what she says and she’s OK with never speaking to you again, well then obviously you weren’t really that important to her. That tells you everything you need to know, and you got to pay attention to her interest and her effort, not just your own, which is unfortunately what this guy is starting to do. He’s only paying attention to his interest, and he’s ignoring the fact that she’s potentially flaking out on him.

Sometimes women will say, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and then they purposely don’t call you just to see how you respond. In this case, he’s come off as a little needy or acted unattractive because he does really like this girl, it’s more than likely he probably has. Women typically in these situations take longer to get in touch than they actually say. So for you to not wait to hear from her shows that you don’t have the guts to wait it out, but a man who loves, values himself, respects himself and was raised in a good family, when a woman says, “I’ll get in touch,” he assumes she’s going to get in touch. If she doesn’t, well then she didn’t really mean what she said, and that’s OK because his parents filled his bucket of self-esteem enough high enough that it doesn’t matter that she poked a few holes in it. He’s like, “I’m not going to chase after somebody that can’t even keep their word or commitment.” She sounded excited. She sounded like she really wanted to talk to him.

If this was Justin Bieber or Brad Pitt and she’s like, “Oh, I’m gonna call you when I get back in town,” Do you think she’s gonna blow him off? Of course not! She will blow off the guy she doesn’t care about and she will contact the guy she likes. That’s the important thing to pay attention to. If you don’t give the woman the opportunity to follow through, then she’s going to start to sense you’re a little weak, you’re a little needy, you’re a little soft, she can push you around and jerk you around. What happens is they’re going to start testing you. Plus, when you first meet somebody like he has here, you don’t know anything about her, there could be an ex-boyfriend, it could be an ex-fiancee, there could have been a guy she was dating two months before you. Then all of a sudden, she went back to her ex, then you date and you hook up. Then all of a sudden, in between that time, maybe in her traveling, the ex-boyfriend got in touch with her and now she’s going, “Oh shit, I don’t know.” So she knows she’s supposed to get in touch with you, but now this other guy is contacting her. What will happen? What will she do? She’ll withdraw from both guys to see who she feels most attracted to, and whoever starts chasing after her will, in essence, chase her back into the arms of the other guy. So you have to assume if she’s hot, she’s probably got a few other dudes in the background anyways.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been following your advice and recently encountered a situation where I need some guidance. I’ve read the book four times so far.

This girl has everything on my list I did according to the book, and I’ve been trying to do everything right this time. We met at an event, spent some time together. And I got her number. Our first date went really well. She showed high interest, we hooked up, and kissed goodbye. She asked me to contact her again. The day after our date, I sent her a text thanking her for the date and wishing her a good trip. She replied, “Thank you for the date it was wonderful. I really want to see you again once I get back.”

Well, that sounds nice, that sounds sweet, but women oftentimes will say things that they don’t really mean because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. If a woman says she wants to see you again, well then you’re going to try to see her again. If she won’t make plans, well she didn’t really want to see you again. They just hope that you figure that out and you just kind of go away.

Not knowing the length of her trip, I reached out 10 days later to ask if she’d be available the following week. She replied that she’d be away for probably a few more weeks and promised we will meet once she is back, and that she will reach out to me once she is back home. I casually responded, hoping the rest of her trip goes well and saying we’d catch up once she’s back.

So I want to read that paragraph again because it’s really important: “Not knowing the length of her trip, I reached out 10 days later to ask if she’d be available the following week.” So that would have been maybe 15, 17 days after the last time they saw each other. “She replied that she be away for probably a few more weeks.” So what does that mean? She’s probably traveling and doesn’t really have to be back home at a fixed date and time, so it’s quite possible she stays longer.

Again, you’ve got to give women the time and space to follow through on their plans and commitments, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. If they flake out and disappear, they didn’t really want to be there. If a girl really likes you, she’ll get in touch. “She promised we will meet once she is back and that she will reach out to me once she is back home.” So when a woman says that, that’s it, there’s nothing else to do. This is tennis, right? You hit the ball over the net, you wait for her to hit it back. She says she likes me enough to want to get in touch with me. So we have to assume she’s being honest, right? If she was lying to us or just trying to let us down gently, then she’ll just never get in touch. Then we know, “Well, maybe the sex wasn’t that great after all.” Not be something else you need to re-examine, because if you have sex with a girl on the first date and then she never contacts you agai, and you never hear from her again after that, probably the sex sucked. You probably sucked in bed.

As of today, it has been 17 days since we last spoke (2.5 weeks), and she has not reached out.

Remember, she said she would probably be away for a few more weeks. Maybe that’s three weeks, maybe it’s a month, who knows?

During this time, I’ve also been meeting other girls, following your advice to stay active and engaged in my social life. I’ve been trying to be patient and focused on my own life, but I’m unsure how long to wait before reaching out again.

See, guys that understand, “Saying what you mean and meaning what you say,” understand this, but guys where that’s not really a value of theirs, he’s just completely ignoring the fact she says, “I really want to see you and I will contact you when I get home.” So if it’s been 17 days and you haven’t heard from her, what should you assume if you’re a normal, healthy guy, you got a healthy bucket of self-esteem, your parents did a good job raising you? What are you going to do? Well, maybe she decided to stay in Europe or wherever it was she was traveling for a few more weeks. I’m sure she’ll get in touch, but in the meantime, you had one date with her, and you hooked up with her once. That was nice, but one is no choice, two is a dilemma, three is a proper choice. So you should see what other options are out there.

You want a woman that when she says she’s going to get in touch after traveling, she actually does it. If she doesn’t do those things, then she’s not a person of her word. She says things she doesn’t mean. Why would you want a girl like that in your life? You shouldn’t. An insecure guy is not going to wait. A secure guy is going to be like, “Hey, I’m sure she must be busy. She’ll get in touch,” and then a month or two goes by and he hasn’t heard from her, he’s going to forget about her. He’s like, “Hey, I really liked the girl, but who knows? Maybe she got back together with her boyfriend. Maybe she wasn’t that into it.” Who knows? The bottom line is you want somebody that really wants to be with you. Somebody that would jump fences to be with you. Not somebody that’s sitting on the fence. So a fence sitter you’re probably not going to hear from. A woman with low enthusiasm, you’re probably not going to hear from her. If you did bad in bed, you’re probably not going to hear from her.

I don’t want to appear needy or distrustful of her promise to contact me when she’s back.

Well, that means keep your word. That means give her the space and the time to follow through on her promise to get back to you, or to not keep that promise and you guys will never, ever speak again as long as you live. That’s what that means.

I’m worried that if I wait too long, she might think I’ve lost interest…

Dude, she said she’s going to get in touch. This is how I know this guy is incredibly insecure. What he’s probably done is he’s talked, texted and chased every woman out of his life that he really liked, and the reason I can know that is because I did that when I was much younger.

…But if I reach out too soon, it could seem like I don’t trust her word.

If you reach out at all, it means you don’t trust her word.

I’ve considered sending a friendly check-in message after a total of 3-4 weeks from her last response.

Again no, you shouldn’t do anything.

My main concern is balancing patience and maintaining interest without appearing overeager.

What your problem is, is the illusion of action. You feel like you have to do something to get her to like you more, when in reality, if you don’t hear from her, she wasn’t that into you. So it doesn’t matter.

If she’s still on her trip, will my check-in message harm my chances?

Yep! It’ll make you look needy and desperate.

Even if I wait 3-4 weeks?

Yep, because it shows you don’t have the balls to wait to hear from her.

Additionally, since she specifically said she would contact me, I’m conflicted about whether I should initiate any further communication. Your advice on handling this delicate timing would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your help!

Kind regards,

Bob

It’s pretty clear what you do in this case, which is nothing, but I wanted to go through that explanation because he needs to understand, because this is a problem of his. His problem is being insecure. His problem is over-pursuing, chasing, calling, texting too much, trying to force himself into a girl’s life because he fears she doesn’t really want to be in his. A man with a healthy self-esteem is just going to let her go. He’s like, “Well, she obviously wasn’t the right one. She didn’t mean what she said. She was bullshitting me. She was trying to let me down gently or easily.” Then you should be thinking, “Was the sex bad or was she just not that into me? Or maybe she was on the rebound.” If she’s on the rebound from her boyfriend and she started talking to him again, then what does that mean? More than likely he’ll fuck up again and she’ll probably be back, and it might be two or three months. So if you act needy now, you hold out for a few weeks, then you reach out to check in and she gives you more BS about waiting, or “I got this. I got that,” you got a bottom line her actions. If she really wants to see you again, she’s going to get in touch. If she doesn’t, whether she’s not into you, the sex is bad or the other guy came back into the picture, it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is she didn’t come back. It’s possible if there’s another guy and once he screws up, then you’ll hear from her.

I wrote about a situation like this in my book. I went out with this girl and I didn’t even think she was that into me. When I went to kiss her, she sucked the tongue out of the back of my throat, invited me in and then the next week, when I got in touch to make our next date, she gave me some kind of wishy-washy response. Told me her, “Schedule was up in the air.” She says, “I’ll get back to you.” This was somebody I knew. This was not a chick I just met off the street. This was someone I had knew from my business and my professional life, and she happened to be single at that time.

So we had this great date. I knew we liked each other and there was chemistry, but in the back of my mind, I was like, she never got back to me. I was like, “Well, that was kind of weird. Usually she always does what she says she’s going to.” Then it was probably maybe a year later I ran into her again and we started talking and she happened to bring it up and apologize for not getting in touch. What she told me was, “Right after the last time I saw you, my ex got in touch with me, and we had been dating for six months,” and they hadn’t talked in a matter of weeks when she and I started going out. Then after we went out, he got back in touch, she gave it another chance, they dated for another six months before she broke it off for good with him. Then we went out after that. It never went beyond that date, but because I wasn’t into her, the fact that I didn’t chase after her, then the next time I saw her, the enthusiasm was there. She was definitely into it.

Again, if you don’t hear from her, she either didn’t like you, the sex was bad or she got together with somebody else. You should assume if she likes you and she’s available, she’ll get in touch. If she likes you and she’s not available because there’s an ex in the picture, she’ll get in touch when that doesn’t work out. So that may be in three months or six months. Who knows? Eight months? A year? You just don’t know. So it’s best not to burn a bridge. It’s best not to act needy. You just charge it to the game. It’s a learning experience, and you’re going to need to develop this emotional muscle to hold out and to hold back instead of, I should say, smothering a girl, because that’s what typically happens when guys behave this way, they smother a girl. So him holding back and not doing anything is going to be good for him and is an emotional self-control. If he does this with all girls, he treats them all the same, when he meets somebody that really does like him, she will actually follow through. That’s what you want. You want somebody to follow through.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.