What it means and what you should do if your date tells you that she’s tired and needs to be home early.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has had several women he set dates with after he has had a previous 1st or 2nd date with them that led to them making out, where they told him that they needed to be home early and are tired. Some of them still hook up with him, and others don’t.
He asks what it means and if it is some kind of simp test. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This email brings up a good point, because if you date enough, you’re going to encounter these kinds of responses. What you’re looking for is someone with the attitude of, “Hell, yeah, I’d love to go out with you. I’d love to spend time with you.” Think about from this perspective, when you reach out to one of your closest friends, you’re like, “Hey, let’s get together for a beer” or “Hey, let’s go hang out and watch a game this weekend,” or whatever, and they’re like, “Sure, I’d love to. That’d be great.” You get enthusiasm from people that actually care about you, and want to see you, and want to spend time with you. And the same thing should go for the women that you’re going to go out with and spend your time with, and obviously your money, if you’re inviting them out to dinner, or for drinks, or whatever, inviting them to join you for something. It’s your party, you should be paying for it.
Question that may or may not give inspiration for a video: How to react when setting the date over text and she says that she’ll be tired, or needs it to be “a chilled one”, or puts a hard stop on the end of the date, (i.e. “Dinner sounds great but, just so you know, I need to leave at 10 pm, as I have an early start the next day”).
Typically, when you see something like that, and if on the previous date you were all over each other, you’ve got to understand, women have been through this many times, with many other guys, so they know what the guys expect, and if the guy is expecting he’s going to hook up with her on the next date. And so, she’s putting that out there to basically say, “I’m going to be leaving early. I don’t want you to think that I’m going to have sex with you or I’m going to sleep with you.”
But, at the end of the day, a man’s job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. So, you could also, in this situation, do the takeaway. And you have to properly phrase it, because you want to make sure she really wants to see you and is not just saying that because she’s got low interest. So, when she says “Dinner sounds great, but just so you know, I need to leave at 10:00 pm, as I have an early start the next day,” then you could say, “Well, it sounds like you’re really tired and not up for it, so why don’t we just do it some other time when you’re excited and full of energy.” And then do nothing. See what she says.
If she says, “Okay. Yeah, let’s do it some other time,” without mentioning anything about rescheduling, then what it tells you is you probably shouldn’t have gone out with her anyway, because she wasn’t that excited to see you. But if she backs up and goes, “No, no, I really want to see you. You know, it’s been a long week. I’ve got to get up early the next day,” or whatever happens to be, it’s a way to make sure that the woman really wants to spend time with you.
And that’s what I would suggest for this particular guy when he gets one of those. Because, as you’ll see in a second, some of them he’s gone out with and they still ended up hooking up, and others, they did not. So, as a man, you’ve got to treat it just like you would in sales. Anybody that sells cars or any kind of product where somebody has to come into the dealership, sales people know that you’re going to sell somebody in person. And so, you’re trying to get through the people that are just kicking tires and are going to waste your time, asking for lots of information, and the people that really have interest in buying the product that you’re selling, or your service, for that matter,
In this case, your product and service is you. And you want to make sure if you’re going to spend your valuable time, which is the greatest gift you can give anybody, and your money, if you’re inviting them out to spend time with you, you want to make sure you’re investing in somebody who appreciates it, who’s excited to see you and is going to make the effort to make the date fun and exciting as well. Instead of just showing up with the attitude of, “Oh, I get a free dinner out of it, and then maybe he’ll entertain me and make me laugh a little bit, and then I’ll go home.”
So, the takeaway is really powerful to use in these, because then you can know for sure if she really wants to see you or if she’s like, “I could take it or leave it.” I mean, do you really want to go out and spend your money and time with somebody that’s like, “Yeah, I’d really like to take a nap, but I guess I’ll leave the house, and I guess I’ll hang out with you.” Hard pass on that.
I have read the book / listened to the audio book 12 times and written up key notes from it each time, which has really helped. But I still can’t figure this one out. It’s happened a few times and my notes are (i) it always happens after 1st/2nd date when we’ve made out passionately but haven’t had sex…
You may have been a little too aggressive on that date. I did an email just recently where a guy goes on a date, he’s making out with her, and he goes right for the crotch shot. He grabs her pussy right away. He “grabs her by the pussy!” and it’s just too much too soon. You’ve got to be smooth about it. You’ve got to slowly get there. I mean, accidentally grazing her nipple with your hand, or your elbow, or your arm or something just to see what she does, as your hands are moving around, as you’re making out.
You don’t go from making out to grabbing the pussy, unless you’ve been together for awhile and you’ve hooked up a bunch. But when it’s the first or second date, it’s just too much, too soon. It also shows you’re not very smooth, you don’t have much game, and you’re not that experienced. And, more than likely, your sensory acuity is not where it needs to be, so the woman’s going to end up feeling uncomfortable at some point. Because every girl has gone out with a guy that made her feel uncomfortable.
…and (ii) the girls are never actually tired if we go ahead with the date.
Yeah, they’re they’re putting it out there because they’ve been on dates with guys that have behaved the same way, maybe gave off the same vibe, or the guys that are expecting sex. And then sometimes guys blow their top when they say this, “What? You don’t want to see me? What? You’ve got to go home early? What? Is something wrong? Why? Why do you want to leave early? Why don’t you wanna spend time with me?” You know, that kind of attitude.
So, like I said, the best response would be the takeaway. It’s like, “Hey, if you’re really tired, we can just do it some other night when you’re more up for it.” And then, see what she says. Don’t say anything after that. Just give her the opportunity to either follow through on your plans or to flake out and disappear from your life forever.
On the one hand, I don’t want to look like a simp who just goes to bathe in her presence when she’s effectively stated sex isn’t in the cards.
Like I said, the best medicine for that is the takeaway. Because then, it separates the ones who really want to see you from the ones who want to see you, but they’re genuinely tired or have something to do the next day.
On the other hand, I have made sex happen twice in these situations, and I believe it may be (i) a test to confirm that I actually like her and want to spend quality time with her, not just being there for sex, and (ii) it gives her an “out” as she feels sex is on the cards and is open to it but wants an escape hatch if she’s not feeling it on the night.
Would love to see a video on that, and either way, thanks for making me a happier, more fulfilled man. You do great work.
Well, thank you, Bob. Like I said, just artfully, articulately and tactfully throw the takeaway in there to see what she says. “Hey, if you’re really tired and not up for it, we can just do it some other time.” See what she says. If she’s like, “No, I’d really like to see you. I just had a long weekend. I’m really tired, but I definitely want to see you,” then “Great. Look forward to it.” I’d make the date in that case.
But if she just goes, “Yeah, we could do it at some other time,” if you get something like that back, she’s not excited about seeing you. I personally would never call or text her again for any reason. But if you don’t have much going on, and you’re like, “I’d really like to see what happens,” wait two weeks and then reach out. Give her one more chance, and maybe she’ll be in a different headspace. Maybe she’ll have a better attitude then. But, as the book says, we give two chances, and if she blows both chances, she can go on down the road.
Because you want enthusiasm – people that love you, that care about you, that are good for you, good to you, good for your soul. They’re going to be excited at the opportunity. They’re not going to jerk you around or tell you that they’re going to leave early. Even if they are tired, they’re going to keep it to themselves, because they don’t want to do anything to ruin their chances with you. When somebody doesn’t really give a shit, the takeaway is where you’ll separate the women with serious interest from the women who really don’t want to go out with you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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