When She’s Unsure Of Your Interest or Fears You Don’t Care

Why it’s natural for her to be unsure of your romantic interest or fear that you don’t care about her.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 34-year-old viewer who has been following my work since 2015. His girlfriend of one year is 24 and recently brought up that she was unsure of their future and worried about his romantic interest in her.

She’s considering moving to another state to be closer to family, which he’s open to as he wants to move also, but she is obviously worried about where she stands with him. He wonders if her interest is dropping or if something is wrong and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is an interesting email because these are the kinds of advanced type of things that you’re going to encounter and why I always say you’ve got to learn a relationship stuff that’s in the back of the book, especially “The 10 Disciplines of Love.” And this guy does a pretty good job of handling this, but he still is kind of not sure what’s really going on. And so, what I liked about this email, as I talk about in my book, women tend to take little things and go, “Ahhh!” and it’s up to us as men to shrink those into “Hey, it’s not a big deal. James Bond has got this. We got you, babe.”

And so, it’s an art. It’s not a robotic way to respond. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If the woman becomes unclear or unsure of your interest, she reaches out to seek that attention, reassurance, validation that you love her, you care about her, you celebrate her, you’re grateful she’s with you, that kind of thing. And you’re grateful for what you have. And so, there’s some of that going on here.

I guess they live somewhere in the Midwest, as he says. And she’s got family on the East Coast, the Boston area. And so, she’s mentioned she wants to move back there, and that’s supposed to take place potentially in the Spring. But he also is a little concerned, “Is her interest in me dropping because of some of the things that she brings up?” So, again, these are advanced things that guys that are in long term relationships are going to be dealing with.

And that’s why I say these things are so important to learn how to handle. Because so many times when I do phone sessions or I see emails, guys learn the pickup stuff, the dating stuff, and then they never really pay attention to the relationship stuff, because so much of it overlaps. They’re like, “Hey, I’ve got this. I don’t need this. I can fix this myself. No problem. I don’t need to read the book 10 to 15 times. I’m special. I’m more intelligent than the rest of the guys that follow Corey.” I mean, the reality is you’ve got to learn the fundamentals. If you don’t know the fundamentals, success is going to be hard to sustain.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Big fan, I’ve been listening since about 2015. I read the book and often and listen to it on audio often. It’s brought me great results, and I’ve begun to embody the concepts.

That’s why you read it 10 to 15 times, because you don’t think about it anymore. You get to know it so well, you could literally teach a class on it yourself. And you need to understand the wisdom that well, so when things like this happen, boom, you know exactly how to respond instantaneously, in the moment. You’re not going, “Oh, should I do this, should I do that? Should I hold back? Should I not call her?” You don’t want to be that way, because you turn into a robot and then the girl is like, “you’re acting weird, you’re acting robotic, you’re not acting natural.” And we want to be natural, easy and effortless. 

I’ve run into an issue with my girlfriend and I want your advice. I’m 34 and she’s 24, we’ve been together a year, and I let her do the majority of the pursuing and bringing up being exclusive. She wants to have sex more than any girl I’ve ever been with.

As you may have heard me say many times, if you apply what’s in the book in your long term relationships, that’s what’s going to happen. The girl is going to be wanting sex more than you. I know a lot of guys are like, “that sounds foreign,” but if she’s always chasing you, always pursuing you, she likes it better that way. Because then, when she’s like, “Ahhh, I’m not sure!” you’re like, “Babe, I love you, I adore you. Of course, you’re the most important person in the world to me.” Then she’s like, “He’s so sweet, he’s the best boyfriend /husband in the whole wide world.”

And I feel like she puts in more effort than any girl I’ve been with prior.

Because she cares. And because you’re treating her right.

About 5 or 6 months ago, she told me she wanted to move to the East Coast to be closer to family.

At the end of the day, if she’s head over heels in love with you, as much as she may want to be with her family, she’s not going to like the idea of being away from you. I’ve done countless phone sessions over the years and videos about this topic. And the only reason a guy should move, if his girl is going to move or wants to move, is because he wants to live in the same place she does. He just likes it better.

He’s not moving there to please her or moving there because he’s hoping that’ll keep her from leaving him. Because if he does that, I guarantee you she’ll leave him then. I’ve done lots of phone sessions with guys that did that. The only reason for a man to relocate is because he actually wants to live in that particular city, or geographical region, or country or whatever.

I’ve actually been looking to leave the Midwest for a while, so I told her if I like Boston, we meet each other’s family beforehand, and we feel good about it, I’d move too, but only with separate apartments at first. I can work remotely, so work isn’t an issue.

So, he’s open to moving. And I like his attitude, because he’s like, “Hey, I may like Boston, I may not. I want to see how it goes.” In other words, he’s not like, “Yes, Your Highness, I’m going to move wherever you are, baby. I love you. I don’t want to lose you,” like they do in the movies. He’s just like, “I’ll see how it goes. We’ll each have our own places.” In other words, the probationary period is still ongoing, even if he moves. So, it’s good. It’s the right mindset. And so, this is where “Ahhh!” comes into play…

Last night after I left her apartment, she texts me saying that she has been “upset.”

“What do you mean, babe? Why are you upset? What are you upset about?” Remember, this is where when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, legs close. If a man cares, he’s going to say, “Babe, why are you upset?” If he doesn’t, he’s like, “Babe, I’m tired. Let’s talk about tomorrow.” Or he’s like, “Oh, you just get emotional all the time. I’m going to bed. I don’t have time for this. We just had a good night. What are you doing? What do you mean you’re upset? We just had a great evening. What are you talking about?”

Guys that don’t know any better will react in that way. But the 3% men are like, “Ah-ha, this is my cue. What does she mean? What does she want? Why is she upset?” Because when you care, you ask. And if you don’t, you don’t ask. Which would make it worse. Remember, women are like the weather. They need love and reassurance. And the bottom line is, when a woman’s too sure of herself, she kind of takes it for granted and kind of gets bored, like the kitty cat does and is not as excited to be around you.

But if she’s unsure, even though you can ask this, and most women will say, “Oh, it’s 50/50. I want to be totally sure. That’s not true, Corey.” The scientific fact is women like a guy more if they think they like him more than he likes her. That’s just reality. I didn’t make them that way. I know a lot of women get upset when I say that, but it’s reality, and here’s more confirmation of it.

This is why it’s next to impossible for women to be able to give guys good, meaningful advice that’s useful. And that’s why Sigmund Freud, the inventor of modern psychology, or one of the inventors of it, if you will, was like, “One question I haven’t been able to answer my whole entire life into the study of the human mind is, what the heck does a woman want?”

So, I called her and asked what was wrong.

He’s a good boyfriend.

She asked me if I “really want to be with her, or do I just want any girl?”

Now, if you take a step back, you’re going to be thinking, “Well, that’s kind of ridiculous. We just had sex for an hour. And we’re lying in each other’s arms or exchanging I love you’s, and then an hour later, she’s like, ‘Do you really want to be with me? Or do you just want any girl?'” In other words, “Am I special to you? Do you love me? Do you care about me? Am I the most important person in the world to you?” That’s all she’s looking for. It’s like, “Of course, babe. Of course you are. You’re better than sliced bread.”

I tried to dig to understand why she felt that way.

Now, remember, this only applies in this particular moment in time. So six months from now, you don’t look back to this conversation and go, “Ah-ha!” It’s just like Mother Nature. And so, what is much Mother Nature doing right now?

According to her, I don’t initiate sex enough…

She’s taking that as, “He doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him, because I’m way hornier than he is.” And so, she just needs reassurance, of course.

Remember the analogy from the book? When my girlfriend’s daughter was little, she’d go and play, and then she would come sit in my lap for a while. She’d ask me some questions, get some reassurance, some love, some hugs and some kisses, and then she’d go jumping up and down like a jumping jack with her nieces and nephews and neighbors. And a little while later, she come back. This is kind of the same thing. As an adult, she’s unsure of herself, and she wants to see if daddy cares. And that’s what’s going on. So, that’s what she’s saying, “Daddy, do you love me as much as I love you?”

…and I don’t say “I love you” enough.

A guy that doesn’t know any better is going to say, “I told you ‘I love you’ before I left. I tell you, ‘I love you’ all the time.” That’s logic and reason and basically invalidating her feelings. And so, the way you handle it is you just don’t take it personally, you don’t get butt hurt. If she says, “You don’t say, ‘I love you’ enough,” that tells me she’s not completely sure that I really love her. And all she’s doing is seeking validation that you really do. It’s nothing to get upset or butt hurt over. Because if you get mad and angry, then she’s going to take that personally and it’s going to make her feel like you don’t care, which is the opposite. And then you create problems where now you get distance unnecessarily because of how you reacted.

I thought this was sort of odd…

Bro, it’s not odd at all. It’s just how women are.

…because even though I don’t always initiate sex, I absolutely love her body…

Because logically, he’s going, “How can she say I don’t love her enough? What? I’m always all over. What?” And so, you’re getting wrapped up in that, and all she’s really saying is, “Do you love me? Do you care? Because I’m not sure you do. Oh, he loves me! Oh, so wonderful. Oh, you’re the best boyfriend ever.”

…so I can’t keep my hands off her, and we still have sex multiple times a week, regardless.

Well, statistically speaking, healthy, long term relationships usually are having sex at least three times a week or more. If you’re having it once a week or every couple of weeks, statistically speaking, that’s not a good sign.

I acknowledged that I could say “I love you” more and will.

Just remember to make sure she’s saying it more than you. Because if she complains, it shows she cares. If she’s not complaining, it means she doesn’t give a damn. But the good news is she cares. So, her interest is high. That’s why she’s bringing it up, because she’s unsure of herself, and she’s got big things going on. She’s thinking about a move, “What if I move and he doesn’t want to move? What if I move there, and he doesn’t come with me? Then we’re going to break up. Oh, my God. That’s the end of the world.” And that’s what’s probably going through her mind if she’s worried, because you’re, what, four or five months away from potentially moving, and she’s not sure you’re going to actually move or not.

She also revealed that she has a lot of anxiety about the move in the Spring.

What was I just saying? So, she’s getting overwhelmed. She’s going, “Ahhh!” and you’re like, “Babe, we’ve got this. It’ll be fine. I’ve got you.” Just like James Bond, you come in and you handle it.

She worries that our age gap puts me on a faster course to marriage, and she doesn’t want to get married until she’s 30.

So, I would take that, in this instance, that you’re going to want to get married before her and she’s not ready, and therefore you may leave her, “Ahhh!” The musings of a woman who’s unsure of herself.

I pointed out I’ve never asked her about marriage and even want separate apartments when we moved, to which she replied, “You’re the least pressuring boyfriend I’ve had.”

It’s good. It’s all good.

I reassured her that I wanted to be with her, and she even texted me after, “I love you so much.”

Congratulations, dude. You handled it appropriately.

So, I do care for this girl and can see myself going the distance with her, but actions speak louder than words. She’s decided to risk the relationship by moving and suddenly has all these doubts.

Bro, this is the way women are. It’s like, “Ahhh!” Then, “Oh, he loves me, he cares about me. We can live happily ever after.”

Are these doubts present because I don’t show enough love?

No, she’s a chick, bro. This is how they are. It’s Mother Nature. That’s the way it is. Don’t take it personally. It’s like the little girl going, “Oh, does Daddy love me? Daddy, do you love me?” “Of course, babe. You’re my number one.” Then she’s like, “Daddy loves me. Daddy loves me. Daddy loves me. I’m his number one.”

Or is her heart not in it…

Her heart’s definitely in it. Because if it wasn’t in it, she wouldn’t be asking and she wouldn’t care. She wouldn’t be wanting sex more than you, bro.

…and she just doesn’t have the courage to tell me she only saw this as temporary?

Thanks,

Bob

No, you’re misinterpreting. See, this is part of the problem. You’re getting all wrapped up in her emotions and thinking, “Ahhh, it’s the end of the world!” So you’re getting wrapped up in the “Ahhh!” instead of being calm, cool, and collected like James Bond. It’s like, “We’ve got this, babe. We can do anything together.”

So, like I said, all I see here is she was just looking for reassurance. And probably, more than likely, especially as you get closer, she’s going to need more reassurance. The important thing is that you only move to Boston because you want to move there. And see how things go. I’m sure in the back of her mind, that’s what it sounds like. She’s probably worrying that she’ll end up moving and you won’t. So, kind of, in a way, she’s fishing around, “Well, he’s more into marriage. I want to get married when I’m 30.” Well, at least that’s what she thinks. She’s 24. When she hits 25, 26, things are going to change for her, biologically and she’ll just start, “Babies, babies, babies! Oh, there’s a baby! Oh, so cute. I want a baby.” It just happens. Mid-twenties to early thirties, the biological pressure really kicks in.

So, overall, dude, you’re doing great. But like I said, these are the kinds of things that if when you haven’t been through the book enough or you don’t know “The 10 Disciplines of Love” and all that, it’s like you’re kind of taking things personally as a potential rejection, when in reality she’s just unsure of herself and needs reassurance. And quite frankly, going forward, she’s going to need more of it. It doesn’t mean you completely change how you’re showing up. It just means a little bit more I love you’s.

But again, pay attention to how often she’s doing it to you. And it’s always better if she’s saying ‘I love you more’ than you are, because she can complain, and then you can pick her up and reassure her. Just like the little girl sitting in Daddy’s lap needs reassurance. This is what it looks like in an adult relationship. She needs reassurance from her man. He says, “Of course I love you. Everything’s going to be fine. I’ve thought it all through. I figured it all out. We’re going to be okay.” And then remember, what does she say? “I love you so much.” Isn’t that beautiful? Isn’t life beautiful? Aren’t love stories beautiful?

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.