Some things you should consider when the infatuation between you and your girl wears off and the honeymoon is over.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been struggling to end a loving relationship of a year with his girlfriend. He wonders if the grass is really greener on the other side. He has several crushes on girls from his gym that he wants to explore and who appear to feel the same way about him.
They have never fought or argued. She doesn’t want to breakup with him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Most guys, on average, will tell you that, deep down, they feel like they’ve never really gotten the caliber of woman that they felt they deserved. Every time they were going out with a girl that they really thought was amazing, it never went anywhere, they got friend-zoned, or it didn’t work out. And oftentimes, those situations are what cause them to find my work. Because, just like them, his ex dumped him because he was a beta male. He didn’t realize what he was doing to turn her off, so he comes to my work and cleans up his behavior, thanks to what he learns in 3% Man – which you can read for free on my website. Just subscribe to the email newsletter at UnderstandingRelationships.com.
What happens is, just like I experienced, these guys are able to get the kind of woman where you’re walking down the street, she’s on your arm, and people are looking at you. They’re looking at your girl, they’re looking at you. They’re looking at her, then back at her and they’re like, “What is that girl doing with that dude? How did he get her?” That’s great for your ego. It’s incredible for your confidence. And most guys don’t get to experience what that’s like.
For me, especially when I was young, that was my problem. I had the same kind of problem as this guy. The girls I really liked, I was just too nice to and I would get walked all over and jerked around. I was just too soft and weak, so they would lose respect and lose romantic interest. Obviously, anybody that’s read my book knows what I did, but once you clean that behavior up, you see attraction’s not a choice. Women either like you or they don’t, and Mother Nature’s taking care of that.
But the thing that most guys experience when they do come across somebody they really like and really likes them, it’s a short period of time before they turn the girl off, she loses interest, and then she’s out of the picture. And then, what happens is somebody else comes along who’s really great and has super high interest in the guy, but he is not as into her. Therefore, he does most things right, because he just doesn’t really care one way or another.
The problem is that every time he encounters a girl, it’s like, “Wow! I’d love to date somebody like that.” They never get the chance. But in this case, this guy got to be with a woman who, when he first met her and started dating her, he was like, “This is the girl in my dreams.” And now he’s like, “Hey, I want to explore what else is out there?”
So, how do you know when it’s just that the infatuation has worn off and now it’s a normal relationship? Because the infatuation isn’t going to last forever. You’re not going to be lovey-dovey, crazy, head over heels in love with each other every single day and it’ll be magical, like in the movies. That’s just not how things work in real life. The question is, are you with somebody that you want to make the effort with consistently, even though the infatuation is gone but the love is still there?
Because, what is love? Love is an act. Love is giving. You’re giving something of yourself – your time, your attention, your love, your body, a good time, whatever it happens to be – to the other person, because it just simply lights you up on the inside to make them feel good. And, obviously, you want to be loved in the process, but you want to make sure, especially if you’re going to stay in a long term relationship, that you’re with somebody that you’re not always walking around and going, “Man, I wish I had somebody like that. I wish I had something like that,” because then you’re settling. You’ve given up on what you really want.
When you do that in your personal relationships, your friendships, your peer group, your career, your job, your business, the more you settle, the more it becomes the standard for settling in every part of your life. Then 10, 15, 20 years later, your life is nothing but mediocrity and giving up on all of the dreams that you had when you were younger. And what that does is it causes you to start to lose hope. And when you lose hope, why work out? Why eat healthy? Why take care of yourself? Why call that person that you care about and tell them that you love them? Because you’re not happy yourself.
And so, what happens is it just shortens your life. Because, especially the older you get, if you just neglect your body, you’re going to have lots of health problems, you’re not going to feel very good, and your quality of life is not going to be very good. And the more you let yourself go, the harder it is to attract the things you want in your life. The key is how do you know when the infatuation has worn off and you have a great relationship, versus it’s time to move on from that relationship? And so, that’s a tricky thing. It’s up to the individual person because nobody knows.
I don’t know what this guy really feels on the inside any more than any of you guys knew what I was feeling on the inside when I was married, when I was younger and I was having all of these kinds of feelings. But I know what it’s like, because I’ve gone through it. And I enjoy helping people, especially those that are in these kinds of situations.
You never want to settle, but by the same token, this guy is young. I don’t know how many girlfriends he’s had. Maybe this is only the second girlfriend he’s had in his life, but it’s the best thing he’s ever had. But if he came from a family where there wasn’t a good standard, there wasn’t a happy, healthy, loving relationship, you just don’t know what you don’t know. And if you’re used to things being messy, but you’re in a relationship that’s stable and good, like he says – you’ll see in a minute, they’ve never argued – but if you’re used to arguing and not getting along and there being lots of friction, that seems normal to you. A good, healthy relationship seems abnormal. So, it’s like, how do you recognize that?
I’m struggling to put an end to a loving relationship with my girlfriend. I have not mustered up the strength to leave my relationship to get with my gym crushes. I found your work five years ago after I was a total beta male in my first relationship, where my ex dumped me. I’ve consistently watched your videos since then, but only started reading How to be a 3% Man this year.
Come on, man. Five years? I think it’s great that you stuck around for five years, but you made things way harder on yourself than they needed to be. There are no shortcuts to success.
I’m on my fourth read and am motivated for many more.
So, you’ve been through it four times now.
I’m now 25 and in my second relationship that’s lasted a year. I completed my firefighting training recently and begin working as a firefighter in two weeks. I’ve been a gym rat for the last five years and transformed my skinny body into something that I love to show off. I have a ripped physique and maintain sexy abdominals. I stand at 5’9” and walk with my chin up and chest high. I used to believe the red-pill community when they told me that I never could have any success with women because I’m shorter than 6’. Thankfully your video newsletters began discrediting their women hating behavior.
I didn’t know if that was a thing in the red pill community. I could just see that, “Oh, you’ve got to be six feet tall.” I mean, it’s true when you look at the data on the dating apps. I saw an article on that, that women have height filters, and I think it’s like 80% of the guys that are below six feet. They just don’t even show up in the searches, because most women like tall, dark and handsome. They like the taller guys, but it doesn’t mean they won’t go out with the shorter guys. But if you’re on a dating app and they’ve selected that, you’re just not going to come up.
And so, from that perspective, that’s true. But to just go through life and say, “Oh, well. I’m under six feet tall, I’m a loser. It’s never going to happen for me,” that’s nonsense. But I’m sure there will probably be some dude in the comments saying, “Oh, that’s the black pill. That’s not the red pill.” I’m like, whatever.
My girlfriend is 22, with a sexy body, tattoos, beautiful blue eyes, and a lovely personality. We met at the gym, and she asked for my number. We began by hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. Simple. Three months passed when she brought up being exclusive. I agreed and asked her out. Ever since, she’s been my biggest supporter, best friend, and teammate. We’ve never once had an argument or fought. She reaches out 90% of the time and wants to see me every night.
When women are in love, they want your attention all the fucking time, constantly. They’re stuck to you like a sucker fish.
She’s made me hand quilted blankets, beautiful paintings, writes me love notes, and purchases me small gifts. I also get whatever I ask for in the bedroom.
I like this girl a lot. She’s checking all of those boxes – the boxes of what a good woman would do. But this guy’s had two relationships, so he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.
But here’s my problem. Beautiful girls are always wanting my attention. It usually takes place at my gym or hot yoga studio.
As the old saying goes, “One is no choice, two is a dilemma, three is a choice.” And because I’ve read the end of the email, when they first met, he was like, “I thought that was my dream girl.” And so, what’s happens is in every relationship – even these girls that you see at the gym, when you’re like, “Wow!” – now just imagine you break up with your girlfriend. You had a great relationship with her, and you start dating one of these new hot girls. You get serious and you become infatuated with her. At the end of the day, after 6 to 12 months, that will wear off.
And then the question becomes, do you like spending time with her? Are you excited to see her? Do you like listening to what she has to say? Do you admire her and respect her? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? It’s also possible that these other girls, once you start dating them, they’re not going to treat you as good as your girlfriend.
The thing you’ve got to keep in mind – because obviously you’re young, you haven’t been through this enough to know – is that the infatuation is going to wear off. The honeymoon period is going to be 6 to 12 months, it’s going to run its course. And then you have to ask your question, is there something that your girlfriend lacks? Is there something that she’s not doing that you wish she would do? Because, obviously, when you started dating her, you felt like she was your dream girl. I mean, she treats you exactly like you should be treated.
It’d be one thing if you were like, “Yeah, I was never really that into her from the get-go.” I do lots of phone sessions with guys that are in that place. They’re in a good relationship, they get along great, but deep down they felt like they settled. They just felt like something was missing. There’s some kind of spark missing. “There’s some kind of soul connection that I just don’t feel we ever really had.”
But the reality is, when you get somebody who knocks your socks off, you’re not always going to feel that way 24/7. There will be moments, but that’s the ebb and flow of a relationship. And so, I’m not inside this guy’s body, I don’t know what he feels. All I can do is go off of what he describes. And based upon my own experience, and the thousands and thousands of phone sessions I’ve done over the years, and the tens of thousands of emails I’ve gotten and answered over the years, the point being is, when you started dating her, did you feel like she was the hottest thing you’d ever had and you were very happy and very content?
That’s the important thing. When you got together, did you feel like you settled, or did you feel like, “Fuck, I won a lottery! I’ve got this amazing woman”? But it’s understandable that he’s now getting this attention from other women, because, keep in mind, you’re giving off the right vibe because you have a girlfriend at home. And so, you’re going to get more attention when you’re giving off that non-hungry vibe from women that are single, because you just give off a different vibe than the guys that are the thirsty ones that they’re seeing in the gym.
When I get there to work out, I know it’s only a matter of time before the ladies will come over and workout beside me. When I notice the beautiful women, I purposefully remove all my attention from them. I won’t even look in their direction. I appear to be focused on my workout, not them. As the girl starts approaching me, it’s very important that I do NOT make eye contact until she has set her bottle down next to me. If I would acknowledge her before she sets up near me, she will become shy and workout further away from me. When I do NOT acknowledge her presence as she approaches me, she makes it seem like a mere coincidence that she’s decided to work out by me.
Women put themselves in your orbit when they like you.
I’ll stay focused on myself, and then she will move out of my sight and across the gym. It’s a test to see if I’ll follow her. After she realizes that I’m not going to, she comes right back to me. Now she’s getting desperate for me to notice her presence. She’ll start removing more clothes like hoodies or shirts to show off her figure. She’ll place herself between me and the mirror and start doing squats, reverse deadlifts, or just straight up bend over in front of me.
This scenario repeats itself a few times a week. It’s making me want the indoor Olympics with multiple women instead of my relationship.
Well, in a perfect world, say you do a time-out with your your girlfriend. You say, “I just want to date other people. I just haven’t had enough relationships. I’m not ready to just settle down with one person. You’re an amazing girlfriend, but I want to see other people. And I know I might lose you forever.” I’ve done phone sessions where guys have done exactly that. They kind of give each other the hall pass, and the guy goes and gets together with these other women that are in his orbit. He dates them, sleeps with a few of them, but then he comes to realize that his girl is pretty awesome.
And then, they end up getting back together with the original girlfriend, and they live happily ever after. So, maybe that’s a situation for you. Maybe she would support you in that. Like I said, I’m not inside. I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling. I can only go off of what you’re trying to describe. But I have an idea, because I’ve been through it before. And the question is, what are these other girls going to give you that you’re not getting with your girl? Is there something she’s not doing that you wish she would be doing? Because it seemed like she’s willing to do anything for you, because she loves you and she cares about you.
But also, sometimes a relationship has just run its course. I mean, no matter how hot the girl is, the reality is you’re going to get bored of her. Every woman you’re ever going to be with, at some point, you’re going to get bored with her. It’s just like your closest friends, if you hang out with your closest friends a lot. Say you hang out and party all weekend. Well, when Monday comes, you’re ready to get back at it and you’re cool. You don’t want to hang out with your best friends every single day of the week. But by the time next weekend rolls around, you’re like, “Hey, let’s get together and go do some fun things.”
The same thing with women. You’ll spend a lot of time together, maybe you go on a vacation for a week or so, and then, quite frankly, when you get back and she goes back to her place, you’re like, “Hey, it’s nice to have some peace and quiet again. It’s nice to have some time alone.”
Again, the question is, what is it that you feel is missing from your relationship that would cause you to want to hook up these other girls? Is it just because you don’t have a lot of experience with other women? Because the reality is, say there’s five different hot girls in the gym and you hook up with all of them; there is absolutely no way in hell all five of those girls are going to be as good a girlfriend to you as the one you’ve got now.
The question becomes, do they have a better personality? Are they more interesting, or are they more fun to talk to, to listen to? Or is it just a physical thing? And who knows, because most women are bisexual anyway, maybe your girl would be up for bringing another chick into your relationship. These are all things that you could talk about, because it seems, from what you’ve shared, I haven’t gotten through the rest of the email yet, but if she loves you enough, she might be willing to do that. A lot of guys I’ve coached over the years, their girlfriends are willing to do that. They’re willing to explore, because they want to make their man happy.
On Friday, I took my girl downtown and had a few beers. We then watched the sunset at a nearby park and ended the night at her place. We got into bed and she tells me about how much fun she had tonight. We usually have sex at this point, but instead I told her something I had bottled up for many months. I told her “We aren’t always going to be together and someday down the road, I’m planning on leaving.” She responded, “It’s like I don’t even know you right now; you said you loved me five minutes ago.” She never saw any of this coming and told me that she thought we were getting married. I stayed over the rest of the night and neither of us slept.
Yeah, that’s pretty hard. I can totally feel what what she’s feeling. It’s shocking to her. That’s why you’ve got to be absolutely 100% certain that you’re going to make the right decision for you. But the question is, did you feel like when you got together with your girl that that’s the best you can get and you don’t need any more? Did you feel content with her, or is this just about hooking up with some other women?
Because, again, say there are five women in your gym that all want to fuck your brains out; there’s no way you’re going to click on the same level with all five of those. Maybe with one of them, it will be better with them than your current girlfriend. But at the end of the day, no matter how hot these other girls are or how into them you are, at some point, you’re going to get bored with them. And then the question is, once the infatuation has worn off, do you like hanging out all the time? Do you miss her when you’re not together? And nobody can answer that for you. Only you can answer that.
If you felt like you settled when you got together with her, then I’d say, yeah, definitely go date other people. But if it’s just because the infatuation has worn off, the honeymoon period has worn off, again, like I said, not every one of these girls you’re going to click with on the same level. And so, the important thing is, did you feel like you settled, or did you feel like you won the lottery when you got together with her? And how do you feel about her now?
Because the reality is, say you’re going to stay together your whole life with one person, which personally that’s unrealistic for the overwhelming majority of human beings on the planet. I think I saw a stat the other day, it said something like only about 14% of people that are married are really happy in their marriages. That’s not a good number. I mean, what is that, 86% of married couples are just basically not very happy, but they’re not miserable enough to leave or do anything about it? You don’t want to be one of those people, because that’s going to shorten your life. But you don’t know what you don’t know.
I invited her over the following day because we had more talking to do. She told me she wouldn’t let me leave her yet, and she’s not giving up on me. We still have plans to go to a friend’s wedding together this weekend.
At the beginning of it all she was the women of my dreams. It’s really difficult for me to leave her behind. Coach, is the grass really greener?
Well, like I said, say you get together and you fuck every one of these girls that’s given you attention in the gym. Do you like their personality? Do you like listening to them? Do you admire them? Do you respect them? Do you look up to them? Is this somebody that you would be proud to have on your arm? Because the reality is, if you’re together a long time, eventually, looks are going to fade. And then what you’re really left with is, do I like being around this person all the time? Can I see myself building a life and a family with her? Would I want her as the mother of my children? And from everything you shared, it sounds like you have a great girl. She’s a giver. I mean, she’s literally got all the things that I suggest in my book that you should have in your relationship. But the question is, how do you feel you connect with her, though?
I know your discussions with her are ongoing, so maybe you need a hall pass to go explore things with these other girls. Maybe what you should do before you do any of that stuff is just talk and interact with some of these girls and see what the vibe is like. Do you like talking to them? Do they like talking to you? Does the conversation flow? There’s no harm in that at all.
Instead of just looking at these girls and being physically attracted, engage them in conversation. See how the conversation goes. Do you like talking to them more than you like talking to your girlfriend? Because that will tell you everything you need to know. If you start talking to all of these girls and they’re not as fun to talk to, or some of them are boring compared to your current girlfriend, then that makes it easy to go, oh. Maybe you should appreciate what you’ve got.
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