When To Have The Relationship Talk & Set Your Boundaries

How to know when she’s ready for a relationship & when to set boundaries.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s been dating a girl for three months. She does all the pursuing and recently she brought up if they are together or not and what to tell other people if they ask. He said yes you can tell them we are together, but didn’t dig any deeper or ask any good quality questions.

A week later he noticed she still has her dating profile up and wonders what it means and what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s been dating a girl for about three months. He says pretty much from the time they met, she does all the texting. He’s like, “I haven’t had to text her once.” So they’ve been dating for about three months total. She recently brought up in conversation saying, “Hey, are we together or not? What should I tell people if they ask?” He said, “Yeah, you could tell people. Tell them that we’re together,” but he didn’t go any deeper than that. Just had kind of a superficial conversation. You could tell he was a little too afraid to address it. I suspect maybe because he hasn’t read the book 10 to 15 times. So that part was a little vague. So he tried to be a little aloof and a little too indifferent.

The idea is when a woman’s ready, she’s going to bring it up. She’s going to hint at it. She’s not going to come right out 99% of time and say, “Hey, let’s be boyfriend/girlfriend. Be in a relationship.” They’re going to basically probe you. “What are you thinking? Where do you see this going? What are your intentions?” They’ll ask things like that. So you got to come back with good quality questions and get her to tell you what she’s thinking and feeling. Obviously she brought it up. So it’s like, “Well, you brought it up. What are your thoughts? What’s in your heart? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? I want to know.” She says, “Well, you tell me first.” It’s like, “Well, you brought it up. Where are you? Where’s your head at? Are you saying you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? What are you looking for?” “Well, I want you to tell me.” “No, you brought it up. This is a conversation. It’s obviously important to you. So I want to get to the bottom of it.” Whoever is asking the questions is the one that’s in charge of the conversation. So it seems like she pressed him because he didn’t really try to give her an answer. He was a little aloof and trying to avoid it, it seems like, but then he just sends out, “Yeah, you can tell them we’re together.”

So now a week has gone by since that conversation. He’s like, “Her dating profile is still active. So what does that mean?” Well, obviously he didn’t do a good job of communicating and he fumbled the football, I suspect probably because he just didn’t spend the time with the book and he didn’t really know how to handle it. So now he’s like, “Am I in a relationship with this girl?” But obviously if her dating profile is still active, she took away something from the conversation completely different than him because he’s like, “Hey, what does this mean?”

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Appreciate all your work. It’s been very useful and helpful in my life so far. I’m a young man in my 20’s, fit, working a job I love. I met this girl in person who approached me. Long story short, we’ve been seeing each other for the last three months and I’ve been applying your principles as well as I can (I haven’t had to initiate a single text conversation since I met her)…

Well, that’s a sign of high interest, and normal women tend to behave that way. They respond to how they respond. You treat them right, like the book says, they’re going to be all over you like a sucker-fish.

…And dates are fun and effortless. Recently, she brought up the conversation of exclusivity (I think). She didn’t come right out and say it…

Well, they never do. They are trying to find out where you’re at, what you’re thinking, and what your intentions are.

…But wanted to know what she should tell other people about us being together or not if they asked. I tried to flip the question back on her, but she wanted an answer.

So again, what I would have said is if she’s saying, “Well, what should I tell other people? Are we together or not?” I would be like, “Are you wanting to be in a relationship now? You want to be you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? You want to be exclusive.” She’s like, “Well, I don’t know. You tell me.” I would be like, “Well, you brought it up. So obviously you have concerns around that. So let’s talk about that. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Where are you at? Do you want to be telling people, ‘Oh, that’s my boyfriend?’ Or would you rather just kind of keep it on the down low and keep dating casually? What are you thinking or feeling?” “Well, I want you to tell me where you’re at.”

I would be like, “I want to know where you’re at. You brought it up. So you brought it up. Ladies first. You can’t drop something like that on me and then not want to talk about it. You gotta tell me what you’re thinking and feeling because obviously something’s on your mind. You have concerns around that because you brought it up. So tell me your concerns. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What do you want?” In other words, she was able to kind of back him into a corner and intimidate him, and he just folded like a cheap deck chair.

I said, “Yes, you can say we’re together.” Well, it’s been a week since then and we hung out recently, and I noticed she still had her dating profile up on her phone while she was showing me something.

Well, what that tells me is that you’re clearly not together officially if she’s still got her app open. So what I would do at this point is I wouldn’t do anything. I mean, obviously you fumbled the football, but again, what are we doing now? We’re vetting for character. Is this somebody that’s trustworthy? Can I trust that she’s going to honor her commitment? Again, if we just bottom line her actions, if you’re exclusive and she wants to tell everybody that you’re together, why does she still have a dating profile? Before you agree to be her boyfriend, you got to spell out your terms and your conditions, what you’re looking for. In other words, what kind of behavior do you expect from her? She’s like, “Well, you got to tell me where you’re at.” I would be like, “Well, that’s not a simple yes or no question. If I’m going to commit to be your boyfriend, there’s some ground rules that I’m going to want to discuss, and I’m going to want to make sure that we’re both on the same page.”

“Here’s what being exclusive means to me. It means you’re not going to be hanging out with dudes. You’re not giving out your phone number to dudes. You’re not on the dating apps anymore. You’re taking those things down. Any male friends you’re not hanging out with one-on-one, you’re not going to lunches and dinner and meeting them out for drinks or going to the club or anything like that. I expect a woman that expects me to be loyal and faithful, to treat me the same way, because at the end of the day, men don’t want to be your friend unless they’re gay. If guys want to hang out with you and go to drinks, do lunches, dinners and stuff like that, or go to the club, they’re trying to get in your pants, and most guys are not going to care that you’re dating somebody.”

“So if I’m going to commit to be exclusive with you only, that’s what a relationship looks like to me, that you make it very clear to any male orbiters you got or guys that have been trying to date you that are in the background or exes, that you’re no longer single. You can’t meet them for drinks unless it’s in a group setting. It would be inappropriate.” If she starts saying, “Well, that’s insecure and jealous. I deserve to have male friends,” it’s like, “Well, if you want me as your boyfriend, I’m not going to be OK with you hanging out with your boss and going to the club on the weekends with him or your girlfriends or whatever, because that’s a woman that’s behaving single and wants the attention from men, and I’m not going to commit to a girl that wants to behave that way or thinks it’s normal. I’m just going to assume that she likes being fuck buddies, sex playmates, friends with benefits, and it’s not going to go any further than that, and she wants to sow her oats, go out and meet other dudes in the club. That’s fine if that’s what you’re all about, but if you expect me to commit to be your boyfriend, this is what I expect in return.”

So again, when she oppresses you for a yes or no answer, you’re going to respond with that diatribe because you can’t commit unless she understands and agrees to how you view things, because a lady is never going to go out with another dude one-on-one when she’s in a relationship and she values loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. I mean, if her parents are married and together, dad’s not going to be OK with mom hanging out and and going on a girls only trip to Vegas with a bunch of single girls or girls that are known to be cheating on their boyfriends or husbands.

You are who you associate with. You’re not going to be hanging out and going to dinners one-on-one with a single guy from the office that’s trying to get into her pants or giving out her phone number and developing friendships with other men, “Because those men don’t want to be friends with you. They want to fuck you. If you don’t see that, can’t see that, refuse to see that, obviously we have a different value system,” because again, somebody that’s family-oriented understands how guys are. If a woman gives out a phone number or looks at a guy and smiles, the guy’s going to think she wants to sleep with him. Especially if you’re going to drinks and hanging out, the guy’s going to think he can get in your pants. That’s the bottom line. A lot of guys are really weak, and they try the friendship route and they’ll be OK with that, but deep down, what they really want is to get in your pants. “It’s irrelevant to most men that you have a boyfriend or you’re married or whatever. They don’t fucking care. When you hang out with guys one-on-one, when you give out your phone number, they think they got a chance at getting in your pants, and I’m not going to commit to a woman who’s OK with giving guys a green light to try. So that would be a no for me if that’s the kind of behavior You want to continue to be able to display if I’m going to commit to you.”

Again, these are things that this way she can tell you and you can have this discussion and you can find out right away if your values line up or not. A girl that’s raised right will totally understand it, but if she’s a boss girl feminist, grew up without her father, she’s probably gonna think it’s OK to continually seek attention from other men, even when she supposedly is in a relationship. Like, “I don’t want to be in relationship with a girl who’s going to go hang out with a dude from the office one-on-one and have drinks. What if my parents are hanging out at the same place like, ‘Hey, your girlfriend’s here with another guy and it kind of looks like they’re on a date. Are you guys still together? Are you having problems?’ I don’t want a call like that. I’m not going to deal with that, OK?”

My question is, was I unclear about answering her question when she wanted to take things a step further…

Yes, you were vague and you were trying to avoid real adult conversation and intimacy, so it just seems like she backed you into a corner, you folded, you threw that line at her, didn’t really get any confirmation, didn’t discuss boundaries or anything.

…Which is why she still has her profile up? Is she trying to protect herself emotionally? Or is she simply a gal who wants to be committed to someone while acting single? 

Thanks again for your work, Coach. Keep it up!

Cheers,

Bob

Well, it doesn’t really matter what her state of mind is, because we’re going to take a step back and go, “What are her actions?” Well, she if she’s exclusive and in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, she’s not going to have an active dating profile. So if you had this conversation a week later and her dating profile is still active, well then clearly she still thinks she’s single, and so are you. So it doesn’t matter what you discussed, you just bottom line her interactions. As long as her her dating profile is still active, well she’s a free agent and you’re a free agent.

So this is why you got to look at what women do, not what they say. So in your mind, you’re like, “Well, I thought I was clear,” but no, you can’t really be vague about something like that and just say, “Well yeah, you can tell people were together.” Well, are we boyfriend/girlfriend? What’s the label? Do you want to be Facebook official? Like, where does it go from there? What is it you want?” Make her tell you that. If she’s just like, “Well, I’m not really.” “Are you looking to be exclusive? Do you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you want to announce to the world that I’m your boyfriend and you want me to tell everybody you’re my girlfriend? What is it you want?” Make her tell you specifically and explicitly. If she’s evasive, don’t let her be evasive. Back her into the corner. You’re supposed to be the man. You’re supposed to be the stronger one. Again, she brought it up. If she brought it up, she’s got concerns around it.

So get her to tell you what her concerns are, what her intentions are, what she wants and what she’s really looking for. So if she just turns it right around back on you again, going to the diatribe, well that’s a whole other conversation. “If you’re going to expect me to be exclusive, well here’s what I expect from you in return. Based on your response, it will tell me whether or not our values are aligned enough to where I want to get into a relationship and be exclusive with you. I’m only going to be exclusive with somebody that I think is going to honor that commitment and values it and family and loyalty, the whole nine yards. If I don’t think you do, then we’ll just continue to be casual.”

So like I said, it’s important. The quality of your relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you ask each other. You had a total missed opportunity. You were vague. You left things up in the air. Obviously, even though you thought you were clear, if we look at her actions, she walked away from that, leaving her dating profile active. So we have to assume she’s still meeting, talking to and dating other men and giving them the green light to try to get in her pants. Quite frankly, girl’s supposed to be locking you down anyways, so doesn’t matter what she said. I mean, that could be a strike against her because you thought you were committed.

So she brings it up a couple weeks later, maybe say a month from now, she talks about it and starts mentioning boyfriend this or that, then you say, if she’s with you, “Oh, this is my boyfriend,” and her dating profile is still active even when she’s starting to refer to you as her boyfriend, then once you guys are alone, you say, “Hey, I want to talk about something. We were together earlier today and you told your parents and I’m your boyfriend, but I know we kind of talked about it, but your dating profile is still active. If your dating profile is still active. I’m clearly not your boyfriend. You’re clearly keeping your options open. So I’m not going to commit to somebody that expects me to commit while she’s gonna got an active dating profile. So I don’t know what’s up with that. We had a conversation last week. You brought it up. I said, ‘Tell everybody we’re together,’ yet you didn’t get rid of your dating profile. So what’s that all about?”

So again, I wouldn’t bring it up or talk about it unless she brings it up next, but I would just proceed as if you’re single because her actions show you that that’s where she’s at. We judge people based upon what they do, not what they say.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description is video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. You can do a 7-day free trial to check out all the great content you get for your money. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab, and sign up for a premium membership trial today.