When To Remove Your Attention If She Backs Away

How to know when to pull back & remove attention & when to give it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who started hooking up with a hot girl from work. She came on to him and asked for his number. She pursued hard for a few months. Then the power shifted and she backed away. He became the only one trying to get together and she became distant and they barely saw each other. He canceled a trip on her they had planned for months and she got really mad. He asks if it was the right move. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “When To Remove Your Attention If She Backs Away”.

So this particular email is from a viewer who started hooking up with a hot girl from work. She came on to him, she got his phone number, was doing all the pursuing. They were like hot and heavy for a couple of months. This is the experience that most men have and they think, “Wow, this is my future ex wife, my future ex girlfriend. This is awesome.”

But then especially when they start to get really emotionally engaged and think, and really like the girl, then she starts backing away and most guys don’t know what to do. When that happens, they start trying to have serious talks and “We need to talk” and trying to figure out or use logic and reason to get her to be as attracted as she was in the past. And so what most men don’t understand is women are kind of like cats in that regard.

When they spend a lot of time with you and they get really sure of themselves and where they stand with you, especially if you over-invest and over-communicate your interest, or you’re focused more on how much you like her and you’re ignoring the fact she’s not as into you as she was. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And so, as the book says, you want to match and mirror that behavior because this is to be expected.

It’s just the way women are. It’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so when they get really certain and sure of you, and especially when you spend a lot of time together, like these guys are doing, a pullback is going to happen. You know, it’s just like cats. If cats spend a lot of time in your lap, they don’t want to sit in your lap all day long.

They’ll spend a certain amount of time purring. The purring will stop, and then they’ll jump out of your lap and go do something else. Then a little while later, they’ll come back. Well, when women behave that way, the guy tends to go after the girl. She pulls away her hand when they’re walking, he’ll grab it back. And at the end of the day, this is just part of subtle testing. Are you okay or are you diminished if she removes her attention or is not enthusiastic?

Again, this is not something that should alarm a guy. It’s just her behavior. You should be unconcerned about this. And I wrote about that in the book as well. It’s if you look at how little girls are with their dads and where this, like all came together for me is like my ex girlfriend that I was dating that had a little daughter, we were over at her parents house. And myself, my ex girlfriend and her brothers and their girlfriends and her mom and dad were all kind of sitting in the garage just hanging out.

They had a refrigerator there, drinking beers, shooting the shit it was like a weekend or whatever. And you know, we’re watching all the kids play in the front yard and in the street there, they had like a little go kart thing that they were doing. And I noticed about every 10 or 15 minutes she would come over and sit in my lap, ask me some questions, talk, and then she would go back out and play with her cousins.

A little while later, she’d come back in and sit in my lap and ask more questions and talk for a bit, and then she would do the same thing. And I noticed that it was kind of like just kind of struck me in that moment. It was kind of like the behavior her mother was displaying, because I was still at the point where I was getting that close to really everything, clicking fully. And once she was doing that, I was like, oh, it kind of makes sense now.

That’s just the way women are. They come, they go. They’re like cats. So when they get their fill, they go do their thing. You can’t take it personally. It’s just kind of part of the process. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, and for their feelings to develop. And this ex girlfriend of mine and her mother both pulled me aside and said, you’ve got to let me come to you.

You’ve got to stop trying to force things. And that’s what guys do. They get alarmed when they notice that she’s not as into them as she was, and they start saying, “Hey, we need to talk, or, hey, you don’t seem as excited as you used to be.” And in reality, familiarity tends to breed contempt. If you spend a lot of time together, and if you’re a centered guy, centered in your masculinity and you’ve got your purpose and your mission, you’ve got other things going on in your life.

You’ve got your friends, your family, your relatives that you also spend time with. Then when your girl is a little distant, or she wants to go and do other things with her friends or her family without you, you’re excited. You’re glad to have the time to do other things and get caught up in things you may have not because she was taking up all your time and attention. And that’s the way they are.

And so when you’re okay with them going and doing other things and they’re like, “Did you miss me?” I was like, “No, I’ve been busy getting caught up in other things.” “You didn’t miss me?” It’s like, “Of course I missed you. How you been, babe?” And then that’s just the way it goes. But if you get alarmed every time she backs away, then you chase after her.

Or you notice she doesn’t call you as much, and then you make up for that. What ends up happening is the more you chase and pursue, the less interested she becomes. And the more you chase, the more she runs away, just like a cat does. So this is just how they operate. It’s the way they are. It’s kind of testing your strength. Are you going to be diminished and upset if you don’t get to see him as often as you wanted, or they’re not calling back you back as quickly as you wanted or calling you as much as they were last week.

Again, guys that understand this are glad to have the extra time because when a woman is in love, they want your attention all the fucking time. They’re stuck to you like a sucker fish to the point where it often becomes kind of annoying. But that’s the way they are. Girls are a lot of work. And again, if you don’t understand this, you’re going to make the wrong moves and it’s going to push her away. And so this basically what happened like the last month, they were hanging out.

He’s like, they saw each other one time and they had this trip set up and he looked at it and was like, well, I barely see her. She’s not really enthusiastic. She’s not making much of an effort to see me anymore. And so two days before this trip, he canceled it on her. Because his attitude was like, “I’m not really a priority. We’re barely seeing each other. So why would I want to go on this trip if she’s not excited or she doesn’t appear to be excited with me.” So he writes in to tell me what happened and wants to know did he do the right thing?

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I wanted to get your take on a situation and whether I handled it the right way. I met this girl at work—she initiated everything at the start. She got my number, asked to hang out outside of work, and things moved pretty quickly.

Well, that’s super high interest. It also could have been that she broke up with a boyfriend and always thought you were cute, and you were kind of the rebound guy. And so if that’s the case and the boyfriend still lurking in the background, because most of the time women do the dumping and guys don’t want to be dumped.

So if you start to pursue too much and she senses that you’re kind of soft and squishy, she might back away from you and then go spend time with the ex. Or another guy that they’re talking to, especially if you just kind of started seeing each other and you’re not exclusive or official because it’s just still too new.

In the beginning, we had a strong connection. We were seeing each other a lot, hooking up, cuddling, and taking breaks together at work. We hooked up a lot in the car or at my house. She was very affectionate, telling me how much I turned her on and calling me “baby.” She also invited me on a trip multiple times. I never brought it up—she did. Eventually I agreed.

For the first couple months, things were great. She was making plans too and showing a lot of interest. But over time, things started to stall. I noticed I was mainly the one making plans, while she started pulling back. I didn’t chase—I would wait to hear from her—but I could feel the shift.

Well, just because she’s reaching out, if she’s not excited to get together in person or she’s not bringing it up, again, as the book says, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And so if you notice that if you notice she’s no longer asking you to do things, and her schedule’s not as flexible or as open. In other words, she’s got less availability, whereas before it was wide open.

Now she’s got one specific day, several days in advance that she can see you. If you notice that she’s not asking you out anymore, then maybe the next few times that she calls or texts, you don’t bring it up at all just to see if she brings it up. The fallback position in the book is the once a week date. In other words, you try to make one date per week if she stops reaching out to you.

In this case, if she’s still reaching out but she’s no longer bringing up getting together, even though she’s doing all the pursuing to reach out to you, if you try making dates and it doesn’t look like or seem like she’s as open as she was, then just don’t ask her out at all for a couple of days, or maybe even a week, just to see how she responds. Because she’ll feel that. She’ll feel when you stop moving forward.

And another quote that Thích Nhất Hạnh says that I often repeat is, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so when a guy becomes attached to a woman and he starts to care too much and she backs away, he makes up with it, he tries to force things. He calls her. He tries to do more with her, and in this case, the guy noticed she didn’t have the same enthusiasm, but he basically kept the hammer down and kept moving forward.

And he probably thought, well, you know what? She’s still calling me all the time. But he kept asking her out and he noticed it became harder to get her out on dates. And she was less enthusiastic. And that could be indicative of, you know, she’s starting to spend time with the ex-boyfriend or whatever. So again, you want to match and mirror her level of enthusiasm and effort.

And so if her enthusiasm and effort drop, then you drop. If it picks back up, you pick back up. But in this case, when she backed away, he let her reach out. But still he noticed that he was the only one bringing up getting together and she was no longer doing it. So this is where if you really care and this is the first time you’re especially applying what’s in the book, you’re going to be a little nervous.

It’s a little scary, but at the end of the day, if you keep bullshitting yourself and you keep pursuing, then you’re gonna end up in a situation like this guy did. And so it’s really hard to exercise self control. But when you go through this enough with women, you see, they come, they go, they come, they go. And you have enough relationships with different women.

It’s like this stuff doesn’t bother you anymore. You’re amused by it. You know, it’s like Rumi said, “Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” So be bewildered by the way women are. Be amused. Never get upset. Be enchanted by it. Think of it as her behavior is cute and endearing and just let her be. She’s not bringing it up again. Then you stop bringing it up.

Even if you go a week or two without seeing each other because you want her to wonder where she stands with you. You want her to wonder, “Why is he not asking me out anymore? It doesn’t seem like he cares.” It’s a scientific fact women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And they just need time and space away from you to wonder about you and to miss you, and to be surprised that you’re not running after them.

And this guy didn’t really pump the brakes enough, and that’s where he went wrong. But when you really care, it’s hard to do, especially if you’re just starting to learn this stuff or you’re new to my work. And if you are new and you haven’t read the book, it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just put your name, your email address, create a password, and it’ll open up right in your web browser and you can start reading. You can try before you buy.

In the last month or so before the trip, we barely saw each other. We only went on one actual date that whole month. Most of the time we only saw each other at work, and even that felt different. She started avoiding coming over or being close. The affection in person dropped off.

Well again, if you notice she’s not got the enthusiasm, then just stop asking her out. Wait until the enthusiasm returns, it’ll bubble back up. The problem was, like I said, he didn’t pump the brakes or he didn’t pump them all the way. He didn’t pump them him hard enough. Because she was still reaching out and he was letting her do that but he ignored the fact that he was the only one bringing up getting together, and he ignored the fact that her schedule wasn’t very open anymore.

You know, keep in mind, they were hooking up at work and at home, and it was going on all the time. So when she backed away, he kept the hammer down. And then he kept it down too long to the point where her interest went [down] it dropped.

She was still somewhat affectionate over text for a while, but about 3 weeks before the trip that stopped too. We wouldn’t even talk on weekends. Then a week before the trip, she called me crying saying she wanted to talk in person. When I asked what was going on, she brushed it off and said it was family stuff and that I “deserve better.” It felt like a soft breakup without her fully saying it.

So when a woman says that to you, “Oh, you deserve better.” What it is, is intellectually they know you’re a great guy, but what’s really bothering them is their feelings. Because women don’t care about what a great guy you are. They care about how much they like you and how they feel about you. And so intellectually, she’s like, “This is a great guy. And I was really into him before. But my feelings have changed. And I don’t understand why.”

Most women don’t understand how attraction works. They just know that their feelings have changed. And so she’s feeling guilty because part of it is she’s staying away and her feelings aren’t returning. She’s not really missing him. And so when he does reach out, he’s still trying to get together with her. His enthusiasm is the same, but hers is gone, basically. So again, that’s kind of like, “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing.

And at the end of the day, really he’s just displaying too much unattractive behavior. He’s bothered by her being distant and he kept pursuing and trying to do things when she came off at times, like she didn’t even want to get together with him. So that’s just, you know, she feels guilty that her feelings have changed. But at the end of the day, her feelings are her feelings, and that’s what matters most to women.

So again, when you hear something like that, then you’ve got to stop moving forward all together. Even if she’s reaching out, you talk for 3 or 4 minutes. “Hey, it was good to hear from you. I’ve got to run, I’m gonna talk to you later.”, and then you just leave the conversation. You give her the same attention and priority that she’s given you. It’s nice that she’s reaching out, but if she’s not missing you and not dying to get together with you, then I wouldn’t bring anything up.

But at the end of the day, in this case, he’s got a trip planned and so he should have kept it. That’s what I would have done. But, you know, at this point, he’s just thinking, “What can I do to try to make her notice me more?” And so he’s removing his attention completely by canceling a date. He didn’t mention anything about her canceling. It’s just that she wasn’t making plans. It didn’t seem like she wanted to come over and see him.

At that point, I didn’t feel any real connection or excitement going into the trip. It felt like she was pulling away, not prioritizing me, and possibly just going because it was already booked.

Well, it also could be that she noticed that you guys weren’t spending much time together and she thought, “Oh well, I’ll see him on the trip.” So it’s clear that her interest had dropped. But at the end of the day, he had committed to it. So if it’s me, I would have stayed committed to the trip.

So I canceled the trip 2 days before. She was furious and said I was selfish and that if I really liked her, I should’ve gone. From my perspective, I didn’t want to go on a trip with someone who hadn’t been making time for me, wasn’t showing enthusiasm, and where the connection had clearly dropped off.

So at the end of the day, your job is to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. So if she’s excited about the trip and talking about it, even if you haven’t seen her in a few weeks, you should be okay with that. You shouldn’t be bothered by it. And the problem was he was bothered by it. He was bothered by her backing away to the point where she knew it. And he clearly kept pursuing to the point where she lost respect and attraction. And basically, again, that’s why the comment, “Oh, you deserve better” comes out.

Because she feels guilty that she doesn’t like him as much as he likes her. So he clearly communicated he was way more into her than she was in him. And at the end of the day, women like you more if they think that they are more into you than you are into them. And when you over communicate that and they back off and you don’t back off, then you end up in a situation like this guy is in.

My question is, was canceling the trip the right move based on her behavior leading up to it, or should I have gone and just seen how it played out?

Appreciate your insight.

If it was me, I would have kept the plans and gone out. Because at the end of the day, your job is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. And so you hang out, you have fun, you hook up. You’ve got plans, it seems like she’s going to keep it. And the problem is, you became bothered by the fact that she’d been distant for the month leading up to that. So at the end of the day, I would have gone and see how it played out.

Because as the book says, it teaches you that when physical touch is okay and desired, the woman starts touching you first, and then you just slowly reciprocate and you seduce her when you’re on the trip. So in this case, buy as much time as they were hanging out, he should have been letting her do all the reaching out. And as soon as you notice that she’s not making plans or she’s not as flexible in her schedule, you can just say, “Hey, well, when you figure out your schedule, get back in touch.”

And be okay with that. Be okay with not making a date. The problem is when you spend a lot of time together and you’re seeing each other and hooking up just about every day, and the girl pulls back most guys try to force things. They’re like, “What am I going to do? What do I say to her to get her be like it was a couple days ago?” Instead of recognizing it’s just how women are.

She spent a lot of time with you really quickly. And so you should expect to pull back. And so when she pulled back, he just did not handle it properly. But now he’s canceled plans. And so at this point, what I would do, even if she reaches out, talk for a few minutes and say, “It was great hearing from you, I’ve got to run. I’ll talk to you later.”

And the only way I would make plans to see her again or get together with her is if she brings it up first, then you can invite her over. You know, if she reaches out and she says, “I want to talk.” If you’re available just say, “come over.” Hang out, have fun, hook up. You know if she says, “Oh, it’s not fair to you. I think we should see other people or I need space.”

It’s like none of that shit should bother you. It’s just like, “No problem. Well, take all the space you need and hit me up when you miss me terribly.” And then the next time she reaches out, assume she had enough space, even if it’s a few hours or a few days or a few weeks, and then you just make the next date. This is an art. This is something you have to learn by going through it.

The more you care about the girl, the the harder it’s going to be to start doing this for the first time because you really want to see her. You really want to touch her. You really want to be with her. But you just have to let her be. You have to let her become concerned and worried that you no longer feel the same. And unfortunately for this guy, he just did not back off all the way or back off enough.

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