What you should do if you come from a family that never has anything supportive to say, doesn’t show you love, doesn’t value you, doesn’t appreciate you and is constantly trying to put you down and sabotage your success.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is twenty-seven years old and lives with his mother. A few weeks ago, he lost his job and did not tell her about it. Once she finally found out, she started spewing nothing but hate and loathing onto him. She even put a bottle of bleach in front of him and told him that he should just drink it and kill himself so she could have some peace.
He’s working on starting a business on the side that he’s passionate about, and asks me what he should focus on, and how he should handle the situation with his mother so he can tune her out and focus on what he needs to take care of as a man so he can reach his full potential.
I’m having a pretty rough night. I’m 27 years old, and have been following your work for quite some time now. I’m in a weird place right now. I lost my job, which sucked anyway, roughly around three months ago. At this time, I collect unemployment and do some trivial freelance gigs to make ends meet while I use this opportunity to build a business for which I have a passion. (It takes years to build a business. Most times, you are looking at 5-10 years before you’re not working for someone else. You will still need to work a full-time or part-time job so you can pay your bills.) I even got an internship in the industry I’m interested in, to give me first hand learning experience. Also, I’ve been taking your advice to focus on myself, which has worked tremendously. I even tell my friends about it, and it has worked out for them as well.
Ever since I lost my job, I did not tell my mother about it because she tends to be very over dramatic about everything and throws temper tantrums about everything in her life. (People tend to attack things in other people that they are disconnected from within themselves. That’s how they justify their model of the world.) She even tries to discourage me about chasing my dreams, says I lack ambition, and that I need to stop dreaming. Anyway, she found out I lost my job, and all hell broke loose, which I blame myself for. However, that’s not the end of it. I’ve been accused of being a mean spirited person because I withheld that information from her, and every morning has been constant fighting, heckling and condescending mean words. (Those words don’t define you. You can’t control what people say to you, but you can control what those words mean to you.) She even accused me of “holding her back.” When I told her I’m not holding her back, she threw a temper tantrum, called me ungrateful, and threatened to kick me out of the house and call the police. Crazy. Anyway, tonight she came into my room and suggested that I go back to school for my Masters degree. I considered the suggestion, but expressed that there are other options besides going back to school, so I can be successful at something I’m passionate about. I also told her, if nothing works out, I’d get a job in the meantime so I can figure out my next move. (Get a job immediately, and get the fuck out of that house.) She threw another tantrum saying that I lack ambition, I’m manipulative, I’m holding her back from living her life, and that it’s time for me to move out. (This is the story that she tells herself.)
The thing is, I have no problem moving out, and even expressed to her that I want to move out and get out this hellhole. However, even when I agreed that I wanted to move on, she still wanted to press the issue, complain and argue. She also says to get a job that pays enough for me to move on, which I have no problem with. Again, I agreed and even VOLUNTEERED THAT OPTION MYSELF. (You’re enabling her abuse by laying around the house doing nothing.) However, for some reason, it still doesn’t resonate. Even when we both agree, she still wants to add fuel to the fire. I thought once we both agreed that I would move out and we would both go our separate ways, the conversation would end, but it didn’t. (The problem is you’re not taking action.) She still wanted to add fuel to the fire.
Finally, she accused me of being a liar and told me that I’m a piece of shit, and that I’m worth less than the soles on her feet. She even proceeded to spit on me, went into the bathroom, put a bottle of Clorox bleach on my desk and said, “Here — why don’t you drink that? Why don’t you kill yourself and let me be free?” (You need to get out of this situation ASAP.) I didn’t even let that bother me man. She then came into my room again and said, “I don’t know why I gave birth to a little piece of shit like you.” I’ve tolerated the humiliation, embarrassment and the disrespect for years man, but this right here, this was like, wow. (No one will ever say or do anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.)
How could I tolerate this abuse for so long? I just want to storm out the door and leave, but I don’t have anywhere to go. (Find a way, not a way out. Look at my article and video, “How To Get Any Job You Want” and click the “Career” tag and other tags at the bottom of that article so you can make a plan of action and get a great job.) I don’t want to act out on emotion and do something stupid to jeopardize my position. Am I a bitch for not storming out? (No, but you need to get off your ass and take some serious action immediately.) Do I lack character? (No, I just think you seem to enjoy the abuse. You are enabling your mother’s behavior. Once you move out, you can let her you know you won’t tolerate her abuse.) At this point, I’ve tolerated this for so long man. I just want to get myself situated. (You can’t wait for your business to take off. You are in a toxic environment. Get the fuck out of there.) I’m tired of being treated like less than a man. Do I really deserve this? (Deep down, your mother is trying to motivate you to get off your ass and take care of your own life.) Damn, do I really deserve this? Is it really that bad? (It’s pretty fucking bad dude.) I know you don’t have all this answers but, I can’t lie, I need some type of help to give me a clear outlook on how to sort myself out without letting that shit get to me, so I can focus and move in a positive direction.
By the way, I purchased your book and started reading it. (Awesome! Here’s the link to buy my book, “How To Be A 3% Man.”)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You should love your family, but choose your peers. If you come from a broken family, a dysfunctional family or a family full of self-hating and self-loathing losers who never have anything positive, uplifting or encouraging to say, you should remove yourself from their presence immediately or as much as possible. Weak, miserable, unhappy and unsuccessful people are always going to try to drag everyone else around them down to their level, so they can feel better about their shitty lives. When they are successful at destroying other people’s dreams and bringing them down to their miserable level, this will actually justify their model of the world, their limiting beliefs and the dysfunctional way that they live their lives. It’s essential to your sanity and your overall success in every area of your life, that you only associate and spend your time with people who appreciate you, love you and value you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne