Which Types Of Women Should Do 100% Of The Pursuing?

The types of women who should do 100% of the pursuing with men doing no pursuing at all.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who hooked up with his roommate’s friend who is in the middle of leaving and divorcing her husband. She showed up on a group night out and informed him she was divorcing her husband. Later that night she made it clear she wanted to sleep with him. They had a passionate late night session of the indoor Olympics. He never got her number or contact information and now he wonders what he should do.

He feels like it was just a rebound for her, but he’d also like to see her again. However, he knows getting involved is very risky because of the impending divorce which seems like it’s in the early stages, but he doesn’t want to come off as too passive and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

For those of you that are good students of the book and have read it 10-15 times, getting involved with women who are in the middle of a divorce where they’re separated, I have instances where I get emails or I’m doing phone sessions with guys where the woman still lives with her husband. They may be sleeping in separate bedrooms, but they’re still in the same house.

There’s varying levels in the middle of it because if you’re with a woman who just left her husband or just left her boyfriend or just broke up with her boyfriend and yet they’re still kind of living together, they got assets to dispose of, maybe they got houses, they got cars or they got a business they got to split up or whatever, it’s a messy process and there’s always a chance that the woman goes back to the ex.

In this case, with the woman who just left her husband, there’s a really good chance that she might go back because most of the time, 75% of the time, it’s the women that are filing for divorce anyways. More than likely, if you get involved with a woman that has just left her man, the guy is still going to be in the background. She’s still emotionally anchored to him, especially so if she has children with the guy. From a leverage perspective, you’re on the weak side of that leverage.

In this particular case, like I talked about in the book, you just don’t get involved with these kind of women. You kind of treat them like you would a friends with benefits that you have no intention of getting into a relationship with. In this particular case, this is not somebody you even want to date, but if she’s going to call you, then as a man, just like I talked about in the book, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it.

If she wants to lock you down or commit, which is always absurd when I get emails or I do phone sessions with guys, the woman still lives with her husband. He knows that the husband is trying to get back together with her. They live in the same house together and yet the guy that I’m coaching or that sent the email in, he’s expected to be loyal and faithful to her when she’s still living in a house with a husband who’s constantly trying to get in her pants, and that’s a messy situation.

When guys say, “Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend. Yes, I’ll date you exclusively,” when she’s still with the other guy, or the divorce, like in this case, it just started, there’s a really good chance that you just get strung along for years and she never leaves.

The best way to handle it, to get her to choose you and to ultimately move away from that old relationship that she’s trying to leave is to just be like, “Hey, you live with your husband. You live with your boyfriend. It’s a messy situation. I like you. I’m only interested in dating you casually, because there’s a good chance you go back. I mean, you guys live in the same house. It sounds ridiculous for you to ask me to be your boyfriend when you’re married to another man. It’s like in essence, you’re asking me to be your exclusive sidepiece.”

“You may or may not leave him. I don’t want to get involved with that. We can continue to date, to see each other, but I’m going to date other women. I’m not going to become exclusive with you as long as you’re living with him and as long as your divorce isn’t finalized, but we can have fun in the meantime, because again, there’s a good chance you go back to him anyways, and I don’t want to get in one of those messy love triangles or messy situations.”

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I began following you in December 2019, and although it is a success story I would like your input since my path forward is not entirely clear to me. I am a fit, muscular, good looking 26-year-old PhD student studying Psychology. In August 2021, my roommate introduced me to her friends. One of those friends, Jessica, I found very attractive, but she was married, so I maintained a respectful distance.

Fast-forward to last Thursday when I went to the bar with my roommate and decided to hang out but not drink. When Jessica arrived, she sat right next to me passing by several open seats next to her friends, and I thought, “The cat will come to whoever it thinks will pet it correctly.”

So you look at that, and again, when you know the book well, you know that women put themselves in your orbit when they like you. So she sat down next to him to make it easy for a conversation and, hopefully, a seduction to happen, because obviously there is mutual physical attraction there.

She proceeded to tell me she decided to divorce her husband (although she seemed emotional about it).

So you got to assume you’re going to probably be in a rebound situation. If she just decided to leave, you might be the first guy that she hooked up with.

She was talking to only me for 30 minutes or so as the rest of our group were socializing separately. When the bar closed, my roommate, Jessica, another female friend, and I decided to go back to the pool at my apartment.

It was 2AM and we were all swimming in our underwear (I was the only guy among three women lol).

Well, those are good odds. Anything you can do as a man to stack the odds in your favor where you’re outnumbered by women, it’s a good thing to do because as Doc Love used to say, “When kitty cats compete, you win.”

Women like you more if you’re popular with other women. If you’re one guy hanging out with three girls and one of them likes you, the other two will become more interested even if they’re not really that into you just because the one girl likes you. It’s beautiful how that works.

I was laid back, humorous, and Jessica laughed every time I made a joke. Throughout the night she kept swimming over to me to ask, “How are you doing?”

At 4AM I drove the other female friend back to her car at the bar and came back to my apartment where Jessica and my roommate were still hanging out. I thought, “She’s been coming to me all night, maybe she will come to me once again.”

Remember, women put themselves in your orbit in order to make things easy, but as the man, you’re supposed to know what to do.

So, I cleaned up my room and went to sleep. An hour and a half later I woke up to a knock at my door, and there she was asking if I wanted to hangout and talk.

I bet she wanted to hang out and talk.

We laid in bed and talked for 30 minutes, I asked her questions and responded to her questions with short, direct, and playful answers.

I mean obviously his roommate goes to bed and now she’s got her chance to knock on the door.

It was 5:30 in the morning, and I was quite tired, so I said, “Do you mind if I turn out the lights?” She must have thought that I wanted to go to sleep because she said, “Hang on… I kind of had an agenda when I came in here tonight,” as she giggled.

Non-action. I did an email, was it last week? A man’s inaction is what makes him so attractive to women, and this guy is doing the same thing. Total inaction, doing nothing, because again, under normal circumstances, you’re not going to go, “Oh great, she’s divorcing her husband. Let me start a relationship with you.” “Oh, that’s great that she’s available. We can be friends with benefits, but it ain’t going any further than that.” That’s why you don’t do any pursuing.

Plus, this girl is already starting out doing all the pursuing, so there’s really absolutely no reason for you to do any pursuing anyways. You shouldn’t pursue, because when guys get themselves into trouble in these situations, they start to pursue back, then when they get emotionally invested, what happens is the woman starts to back off a little bit. They notice things have changed and then they start to pursue more and they literally drive the woman right back into the arms of the ex-husband-to-be, “Oh, I’ve decided to give the relationship another chance.”

It’s got to be her idea. She’s the one that chose to leave, so you’ve got to be the prize. That’s why you have to let her do all the pursuing.

I just smiled and said, “Oh yeah?” and then we engaged in a rigorous bout of the indoor Olympics. The next morning, we had a positive 10-minute conversation over coffee and hugged before she left. Tell me if I am wrong Coach but…

1. I am probably the rebound guy, and her emotions will be all over the ice for the foreseeable future.

Exactly. That’s why you’re not going to commit to her.

2. She doesn’t have my phone number or social media and I didn’t ask for hers. Was this a mistake?

If she was single and ready to mingle, yeah, that would have been an obvious mistake, but this woman still lives with her husband I assume, because it looks like it just happened. So hey, you you were the first rebound sex for her.

Other than that, as far as dating, I mean, she’s married to another guy. So this is not somebody you’re going to try to date or start anything with. If she reaches out to you, you’re happy to create an opportunity for sex to happen.

I wouldn’t be going out on dates with her either, because you don’t know what the real status is with the husband. You don’t be out on a date with this girl and then the husband be there like, “Whoa! What are you doing with my wife.”

I assumed that if she wanted to see me again in the future, she would find a way to see me through my roommate.

Exactly. If your roommate asks, “Hey, what’s up with you and Jessica?” It’s like, “She’s cool as hell. We had a good time, but she’s very emotional obviously, right in the middle, just left her husband. If she was single and divorced, I would totally date her. I don’t know if she’s going to stay with him or go back. It’s like I don’t want to get involved with somebody that’s still living with their husband and says they’re leaving because I don’t want to get stuck in a situation where I’m her side piece while she still lives with the husband. If she leaves and she moves out and the divorce is finalized, I’d date her.”

You just leave. That’s it. That’s all you got to say to the roommate and the roommate will handle everything else. Now you’re a challenge. Now you’re a guy that she likes. Basically, she’s hearing that you’re not going to date her unless your divorce is completely finalized. It’s like, “Hey, if she comes by, I’d be totally down to hook up again, but I’m not going to date her or get into a relationship as long as she’s married.”

Since over pursuing was what brought me to you in the first place I did not want to risk doing so again if I was a rebound, but I also think I might be being too passive, and I have a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I should ask for her number, am I wrong to ignore it?

In this case, yes. I wouldn’t be asking for the number of a married woman. She knows how to get in touch with you. She knows how to put herself in your orbit. You don’t know what’s going on with the situation. She could have gone home in that next day and slept with her husband again. You just have no idea what’s really going on in her life.

At this point really, she’s a friends with benefits, a fuck buddy, sex playmate. That’s it. It can’t go any further than that, and you should tell her such. It’s like, “I’m not going to become your boyfriend when you’re married to another guy. That sounds ridiculous. You have a husband and a boyfriend? No, I’m not down for that, but hey, we can have some fun while you’re in the process. I can help you with your grief therapy while you’re in the process of leaving your husband.”

3. If you think I should have gotten her phone number then is it now too late? We hooked up on July 27th.

Which is a little over a week and a half ago? It was like two weeks ago, I guess. Like, I wouldn’t ask for it. I wouldn’t do anything. Let it all happen through the roommate. If the roommate asks, don’t ever bring her up. If the roommate asks, just give her the explanation that I gave you and then let the chips fall where they may, because if your outcome is to find a girlfriend, you have to be strong enough to recognize that this is not somebody that’s a candidate right now. Maybe someday, a year or two in the future, she might be, but you’re not going to date her and pursue her or anything.

Again, I would not be going out on dates with her, because you don’t know what the deal is with the husband. You don’t want to be seen out on a date and then the guy want to come and beat you up, or worse. It’s just not worth it. If she wants to come over and hang out and do things in a group or whatever and then end up in your bed at the end of the night, it’s like, who cares? Let the best girl win you over. 

Is there anything I should do to change my approach so far?

No, I think you did great.

It may be several weeks or more before I see this girl again since I don’t frequently go to the bar.

Whatever, she’s not single anyways. Doesn’t matter.

Go ahead and roast me if I am being delusional.

Well, she’s a friends with benefits. Sex playmate. Fuck buddy. That’s it. Until her divorce is finalized. You don’t get involved with married women that may or may not go through with their divorces. If she’s come to you and says, “Hey, I’m divorcing my husband,” and she wants to hang out, have fun and hook up and knocks on your door at night, well then that’s a different story.

Again, let her do all the pursuing. Don’t do any of it. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t do nothing.

I have read your book a total of 17 times (although I only count 13 of those times since I took a year-long break from your material when I was applying to Doctoral Programs). I have also read Doc Love’s book twice, The Way of the Superior Man twice, Never Split the Difference once, and The Power of Now once.

Thanks Coach for all of the lessons you’ve provided to those looking to level up their life and reach their full potential.

Sincerely,

Bob

I think you did great dude. Like I said, just the guys that get into trouble in these situations are the guys that take the number, start calling and pursuing, then they get emotionally invested, and now they’re trying to date a married woman, in essence, who still lives with her husband. That’s a terrible approach to do, because now what happens is she’s having her cake and eating it too. She’s got the side piece and she’s still got the comfort of living in the house with the husband and their kids if they got kids.

That’s why she’s got to do all the pursuing. That means she’s got to contact you. She’s got to come to your place. Again, I wouldn’t take her out.

Go out on group dates, hang out as friends or whatever, but if she wants to come back to your place and play hide the salami late at night or naked Twister or whatever, hey that’s cool. If she asks about being exclusive, just say, “I think you’re great. If you were single and divorced, I would totally date you, but I’m your side piece. I’m the guy that you’re having an occasional friend with benefits. No, I’m not interested in dating you as long as you’re married. If you’re divorced, then I’d be totally down, but not when things are like this, because there’s always a chance you go back, and I don’t want to get into a situation with a married woman. I just don’t.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.