Why Acting Needy, Neurotic & Over Texting, Talking & Pursuing Leads To Rejection

Why acting needy, neurotic & over texting, talking & pursuing leads to rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from 48-year-old viewer who just found my work after getting friend-zoned by a woman he met on Facebook. They had five dates over two months. He was talking on the phone and texting with her constantly. He acted needy, neurotic and basically talked and texted her out of being attracted to him.

She tried to friend-zone him which he politely declined. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who is 48 and he just found my work after getting friend-zoned by a woman he met on Facebook. They had about five dates in over two months. The problem was he was talking on the phone and texting with her constantly. He says he acted needy and he acted neurotic. What he did was he basically talked and texted her out of being attracted to him, then she tried to friend-zone him. He politely declined, and now he’s wondering what’s the chance that she’s going to come back?

So when I read this email, it just gives me flashbacks to what my teenage years and my early 20s were like. The good news is this guy is here now and he’s learning this stuff, so let’s see what we can do to help him turn his situation around potentially.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I only recently found your channel after a woman I was recently dating went south quickly and I was looking for help as I’d like to get her back as I know I have messed up. So would love to get your advice on my situation and maybe closure if she never returns.

A bit about me: I’m a 48-year-old guy and I’ve been single for six years. I’ve been dating women on and off for the past four years but I didn’t want anything serious as I loved being single. However this was all about to change…

I met a great woman who was 42 on the Facebook Dating app and we dated one another for just short of two months. 

On our first date, we met for lunch…

Well, obviously I wouldn’t be meeting for lunch on a first date. That’s in the book, but he’s brand new to the work.

The reason why you don’t go to lunches if you’re trying is because a man’s job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. If you’re going to a lunch like at 12:00, 1:00, then you’re typically going to go your separate ways. She’s probably got other plans and to go and do things.

So the reason why you’re making a date in the evening is because typically when you make a date with a woman in the evening, then that’s what her evening is going to consist of, which is hanging out with you. If you take her to two or three different places, like I talk about in the book, each time you go from place to place, to give an example, say you don’t know the girl really well and you don’t really want to spend a lot of money on her. Maybe you can meet at like a nice coffee bar, a wine bar or whatever, just to kind of feel her out. If you’re not a drinker, coffee is great. A nice, upscale place where you can have a nice coffee. Maybe a little Danish or something like that, or a French pastry. Some place that’s got some character.

If you are a drinker, wine bars are really great for that because you can have one or two glasses. If that goes well, then you can say, “Hey, there’s a really cool restaurant down the street or a couple blocks away we can go to. Why don’t we go have some appetizers and some dinner? Maybe they have some jazz playing there or something like that.” So if the initial date or the initial meeting place goes well, then you can go to the second place. If it doesn’t, if you don’t like the girl, if the conversation doesn’t flow, you’re out a cup of coffee and a Danish, maybe a glass of wine or an appetizer if they got some food there or something like that, you can keep it inexpensive. If it does go well, then you’ll spend more money or by going to have a nice dinner somewhere nearby or some place that’s fun.

You could also go to like a Dave & Busters type of thing. Some place that can facilitate fun interactions, playing pool, shooting darts, maybe bowling or something like that, miniature golf. Top Golf is a really great place to go to take a girl for a date, because you can do a physical activity. If you’re good at golf and she kind of sucks at it, it gives you a reason to interact with her or physically touch her and help her hold the club and facilitates physical interaction, and then eventually kissing you. Then you have like a third place that you could go to. Then if you’re kissing each other and you’re all over each other, you can say, “Hey, why don’t we get out and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine?” Or, “Hey, let’s go back to my place and let’s go jump in the jacuzzi, hang out, have a glass of wine or some coffee or tea,” or whatever, if you’re not an alcohol drinker.

So what happens when you go to three different places in one night? Because what do most guys do? They go take a girl to dinner and then that’s it. They take her home. When you go to three different places, typically if you’re trying to seduce a woman, you’re going to have to spend about four or five hours with most women that are down to hook up on the first night. If your game is tight and you follow what’s in the book, as you get good, what will happen is most of the dates that you go on will end up in sex the first night. So you got to think about the logistics of sex. You got to think about all of these things ahead of time. Think about where you’re going to go. Be a man with a plan. If you got three different places to go that are relatively close, if you’re in a big city and you’re getting in and out of Ubers, buses or trains, because again, most guys go out on one date, they go to one place, when you go to three different places, it kind of feels like you’ve been on three different dates, and most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. So it really makes things easy for hanging out, having fun and hooking up.

So back to our regularly scheduled email. I wanted to go a little bit more into that because again, this guy is he’s new. So I wanted to illustrate the reasons why the things that are in the book are laid out the way they are. The goal is to stack the deck in your favor and give the girl a great experience when the best date she’s ever been on, when the attraction is there and the chemistry is there, you make her feel so safe and so comfortable, that she’s just ready to get it on, and to her it feels like it was meant to be. It feels like fate and it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful how things start out like that.

…And I could tell there was an attraction there. She was gorgeous and we immediately connected and got on like a house on fire. I must add, that she made it clear on our date that she didn’t want to rush anything as she wanted to see if there was a real connection there before getting more serious.

Well, that’s the problem. Most guys are in a mad dash. They’re in a rush to put a ring on her finger, get her to the marriage altar, or to get serious, or to lock her down to a commitment. So that’s why just hanging out, having fun, just being real casual, focusing on creating an opportunity for sex to happen instead of locking a girl down to a commitment. So I suspect that’s probably the reason why she was talking about how she didn’t want to rush anything before she got serious. He may have probably been giving her vibes that he really liked her, and she could tell that he really liked her. He probably revealed that he was way more into her than she was into him. Almost every woman that you’re going to meet has been out with enough guys that behave that way, and they get too serious too soon, they get very clingy, they get kind of pushy. Then women naturally kind of pull back when you spend a lot of time together too much, too soon. You try to go out on multiple dates in the first week, you’re calling, you’re texting all the time. She could tell that you’re pretty much thinking, “This is going to be my next girlfriend,” whereas she’s just not in the same place emotionally because women take a lot longer to fall in love.

So it’s something to consider, especially why you don’t talk about serious subjects or the future, and you have just kind of an unattached take or leave it. Easy come, easy go kind of attitude, because women go out on dates with, “Do I like this guy? Is he good for me? Do we have chemistry? Is he a good person?” And most of us are visual creatures and we’re like, “Man, her body’s hot. I want to hook up. That girl would be the perfect girl for me. It’s my dream girl. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” Yet we hardly know anything about her. Women just do not think this way. So that’s why when you feel that way, when you first meet a girl and you vomit your feelings all over, you start talking about the future, doing this, doing that and taking trips together, it’s overwhelming to a woman because mentally and emotionally you’re way ahead of her. So it’s better to keep your cards close to your vest and have her on probation as well, because she’s got you on probation.

If you’re discreet, if you’re selective, if you like to take your time, remember, people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. The goal is to actually go slightly slower than she is. So she’s the one that gets anxious, she’s the one that gets a little pushy, she’s the one that’s like, “I miss you. I want to see you. The other night was so great. I want you inside me again. It was so amazing. No man’s ever done that for me.” Those are the kind of things that you’ll get used to hearing when you’re applying what’s in the book.

On our 2nd date, we went to a park and spent the day together and I could feel the attraction/rapport increasing and at the end of the date, she said she loved every minute.

So it sounds like if you go to a park during the day, again it’s another daytime date, and that can be construed as something platonic. It’s like, where are the logistics of sex here?

For the 3rd date, which was a week later, she invited me round to her place for dinner and we talked and kissed and had a great evening. I could tell that attraction was growing and we were becoming more connected.

We didn’t see each other again for two weeks, but we messaged on WhatsApp daily and talked on the phone two or three times (Which I now know was a mistake).

The phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody, because what you’re starting to see here is they’re talking and texting daily, but he wasn’t able to get her out for two weeks and that’s what happens. This is just a replay of what my teenage years and early 20s were like. I meet a girl. She’s really into me. We go out. We’d have one or two dates, and we would spend so much time talking on the phone that every time I tried to get her out on a date, it was like, “Oh, I’m busy. I got this, but I want to see how you are,” and you basically end up just friend-zoning yourself and acting like the emotional tampon because you’re not direct, you’re not decisive, and it takes away all the mystery. Women love a guy that’s mysterious that they have to work to get to know, but when you just talk and text all the time…

Again, the phone was for setting dates, not getting to know somebody, because when you do that, you spend too much time talking on the phone, all the mystery, all the intrigue, it evaporates. Then the woman becomes uncooperative and unwilling to make time for you in her schedule. She’ll tell you things that make logical sense, but if you take a step back and look at it, you realize she’s just not opening her schedule for you, but she’s happy to talk to you on the phone because she likes the attention. Then at the end of the day, Chad Thundercock is coming over and rearranging her insides while your blue balls are getting bigger and worse.

We then had our 4th date, where I invited her over to my place for dinner and drinks and openly said that she was more than welcome to stay over if she wanted to, but no pressure. 

Never, ever say that. Don’t ever say no pressure. Never, ever say that. It’s just something that happens. It’s hang out, have fun, hook up, and as you’re laying there naked in each other’s arms after you finish making love, it’s, “Hey, you should stay the night. There’s a great place down the street I want to take you to for breakfast. I got an extra toothbrush,” or whatever. If you got an electric toothbrush like, “I got an extra toothbrush head for you,” and she’ll probably stay over.

We had a great evening. We were talking and kissing passionately for most of it but we didn’t have sex as she didn’t want to rush into sex.

Well, that’s where the two steps forward, one Step back comes in, which is detailed in the book.

At the end of the night, I dropped her off at the station. 

The following weekend, she came round my place again for dinner/drinks where we talked and kissed with touching for most of the evening, but we didn’t have sex. By this point, we had been dating for just short of two months…

So they spent way more time talking and texting on the phone and a fraction of that actually spending time together in person.

…Had five great dates and it felt like we were heading for an escalation in the relationship and we were dating more seriously.

That’s what it felt like to you. If you’re dating two months and you can’t get her out, you’re two months into it and you’re going several weeks without seeing her, yet you’re talking and texting all the time? You have to realize her interest is dropping. You’re talking her out of liking you. You’re texting her out of liking you. You’re turning her off. You’re not stimulating her emotions enough. That’s when girls start to say, “There’s no chemistry. There’s no attraction. The spark is missing. We spent a lot of time together. I should feel differently than I do, but I don’t,” because it’s much better if women think they’re more into you than you are into them.

It’s clearly obvious in this case that this guy made her feel that he was way more into her and way more serious about her than she was about him, and he couldn’t tell, but when it went sideways, that’s what ultimately led him to my work. Now he’s starting to go through the book, and he’s realizing all the mistakes he made and why she got turned off instead of more turned on as they spent more time together. Which for a guy, it’s extremely frustrating because I remember my teenage years and most of my 20s until after I got divorced, it was just a replay of this. It was like the same thing kept happening over and over. I’d meet a girl and we really click, she’d be super into me, we’d have a couple of dates, two, maybe three dates, usually just one or two, but we’d spend a lot of time talking on the phone. The more we talked on the phone, the less we saw each other in person until either I got ghosted or I got friend-zoned, or she was just never available, or we’re talking all the time and then you find out, “Oh, I got serious with this guy,” or, “Oh, I got back together with my boyfriend,” or whatever.

I asked her out for dinner on the following Saturday and invited her to come around to my place after which she agreed and everything was set. However, things were about to turn big time…

So notice he’s just constantly inviting her over to his house. Another thing is he’s not going out on dates. You go to your house at the end of the date. So what he’s doing is he took her out on a couple of dates, and then every time he wants to get together, it’s the same thing. “Hey, let’s go over to my house and have dinner.” She knows what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to get in her pants. He thinks, “Well, if I just have her come over, then we’ll just pick up where we left off last time and this weekend, we’ll definitely have sex.” Then it doesn’t happen.

I must stress that this particular week was super tough as my mum…

He says mum because he’s from Europe or the UK, I would imagine.

…Nearly died of a heart attack (This woman was very supportive) and I lost contact with one of my best friends and being honest. I became too needy and desperate as my emotions were rocked and I really wanted to see her over the weekend…

So he turned her into his emotional support human, his mommy and his therapist, which is the quickest way to dry a woman up.

…Which she picked up on, I think, which lead to her pulling back.

Yeah, because he’s already treating her like a girlfriend, but they’ve only been out on five dates and they did a little kissy-poo. Other than that, nothing else was happening.

I must also make it clear that I messaged her way too much through the relationship…

The other thing is, a man should never reach out more than 20%-30%. I would say he was probably doing 70%, 80%, 90% of the pursuing. So she was clearly into him in the beginning, but he just over-pursued her and talked and texted on the phone way too much instead of just making dates.

Notice he’s referring to it as a relationship, and to her she would probably say, “Well, I was talking to this guy for a couple of months, but something was missing,” and to him, he was having a relationship way too serious. He cared more about her than she did about him, and he did notice because that’s what most guys do. They focus on their interests and the girl, and they completely ignore her lack of interest or her low interest or her declining interest.

…As I messaged in the morning and evening where we talked and I was way too available which lead up to the following events unfolding.

I remember on the Friday I was feeling really anxious and just wanted to see her on the Saturday and I believe this desperation came across in my messages.

Absolutely!

I think I asked her about three times what time she was coming round to which she replied, ‘”Not sure yet. I’ll see tomorrow,” which came across as cold and I could sense something was off. Saturday rolls around and I was waiting to hear from her about times we’d meet up and I messaged her to say, “Let me know when you’re free in the morning.” (Desperate, LOL) A few hours later, I got the message…

In a nutshell, she basically did a complete U-turn and said that she’d been thinking about us and how she felt about the relationship. She said that she didn’t see much more than friendship and said she wished she felt differently about me. 

So intellectually, she knows you’re a great guy, but emotionally the way you acted and behaved was completely unattractive and you acted like a girl. You acted like the chick, you were probably doing 80%-90% of the calling, texts, pursuing maybe 95% of it.

It should have been the other way. You should have been doing no more than 20%-30% of the reaching out. The idea is you start out doing that in the beginning. Then as she starts to reach out more, as her interest goes up, you slowly back off, and most of the time you’re going to be able to get away with her doing 95%-100% of the pursuing, because you get to the point you’re three or four weeks in, you start sleeping together, women are going to be calling and texting you every couple of days. When that happens, you assume she misses you, she’s thinking about you, she wants to see you, so you just make the next date, hang out, have fun and hook up. It makes it so easy that way. That way, you ensure that you’re going at her pace and allowing her to come to you as she feels comfortable, as she feels safer, as she feels more attracted and her interest grows. It’s because the time away from you where she’s wondering about you and thinking about you, her interests and her feelings are actually growing, but this guy was always in her face constantly. So he was smothering her, he was overwhelming her, and he just dried her up and did nothing more than elicit friendship feelings.

She finished by saying that she was thinking about us for three days and she didn’t think it was fair to continue dating me if she wasn’t sure of her feelings. I think she felt smothered/pressured, which equals passion killer.

Yup!

I was absolutely shocked when I got the message as it was totally unexpected as we’d spent some great times together. I politely replied that, “That’s fine, but I can’t be friends with you,” as I liked her and, “I think we should go separate ways,” if she no longer wanted to date.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. So if you find yourself in a position like this, you should be reading the article and watching the video 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and following those principles. So that’s what he says. “Yeah, I’m not down with friendship. I’m not looking for that.”

I finished by saying I had an awesome time with her and if she has a change of heart and wanted to try again, “Feel free to connect with me in the future. All the best.”

Up to now, I’ve not spoken or heard from her in 11 days and I don’t intend to contact her even though I really like this woman and would love something more serious with her. I’m not going to lie, it stings as she’s the first woman in six years that I could see a relationship with.

Well, she’s getting used to and she’s getting to feel what life is like without you talking to her, texting her and occasionally seeing her. So if she does reach back out, assume she wants to see you, invite her over to make dinner at your place in the evening, hang out, have fun, hook up. Because she blew you off and tried to friend-zone you, your attitude should be, “I’m willing to give her another shot, but I want to see that she submits and goes along with what I want to do.”

As long as she comes over and makes dinner at your place three times in a row and you hook up all three times, then after that in future dates you can meet her out and pick her up, but from this point forward, you got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from here on out. She reaches out, invite her over, make dinner. If she tries to get you to meet for lunch, do group date things, go to the park or do friendship things, just tell her, as it talks about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, “Hey, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to get together, then give me a call in a couple of weeks. Maybe I’ll be up for lunch or coffee then,” or whatever it is, and you just keep putting her off. You’re basically, “Oh yeah, maybe in a few weeks, but I was down to hang at my place. If you don’t want to do that, give me a call in a couple of weeks. Maybe I’ll be up for that then,” because it forces the woman to only interact with you romantically, and it keeps her because women will try 100 different ways after they friend-zoned you to test you to see if they can get you to bitch out and stay stuck in friend-zone.

That’s why she has to come to you, because it’s an act of submission. It shows that she’s interested in sex and romance. You’re willing to see her, you’re willing to give her another chance, but the only thing you’re interested in doing with her is just making a date at your place to make dinner together. You’re not going to go to hers to make dinner. She’s got to come to you. She needs to submit to you because that’s feminine. If you go to her, you’re submitting. You go to lunch, you’re submitting to her agenda of friendship. You do a group date, you’re submitting to her agenda as friendship and the legs close and you dry her up and all you do is your blue balls get bigger and worse.

On reflection, I made some key mistakes by over messaging/talking to her every day and coming across as needy/desperate leading up to our last date that never happened. This led to a loss of attraction and she checked out as she felt smothered. Of course, she could of freaked out as things were moving too fast but who knows.

You just overwhelmed her and smothered her and you basically talked, texted and chased her out of your life. I used to do it all the time, so don’t feel bad. When I was younger, I didn’t know any better. I did it constantly. I missed out on so many amazing opportunities, my teenage years and my 20s. It’s painful to look back and think on those things, but that’s life, and here you are learning from me. So now you get the cliff notes, you get the cheat codes to life and 3% Man. I did all the hard work and connected all the dots for you, and obviously these videos are ongoing coaching to help you apply what’s in the book to your life or your situation.

I feel annoyed as I think my over communication ruined what could of been a potential relationship. 

Well, what happened, happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way, because if you didn’t have this pain of rejection, you would have never been inclined to go to the internet and find my videos, find my website, start reading my book and start recognizing what you did wrong. So it’s all part of the process. If she comes back, great. Whatever. On to the next. You got to assume it’s over and you’ll probably never, ever hear from her again. The key is with women, going forward, is that you clean up all the unattractive behavior so this doesn’t happen again.

I would love to get your perspective on my situation and what you think happened and whether you think I have a chance of hearing from this woman again or whether it is a dead duck. I do know that I brought a lot of joy to her life and I’d be surprised if my silence isn’t bothering her to a degree as I’m doing the complete opposite of what I was doing in our time together.

Well, you stood up for yourself and what you wanted. You’re not going to let a woman waste your time. You’re not going to let a woman give you blue balls. You’re interested in sex and romance and she was offering you friendship. So you got out from the negotiating table. You said, “No, thanks. Give me a call if you change your mind.” It’s just like when you’re negotiating for a car, a house or a business that you’re trying to buy, or a piece of real estate or a commercial lease. If you can’t come together in terms, you’re like, “Hey well, give me a call if you change your mind.”

Ye who speaks first loses in a negotiation. In this case, you gave her your final offer. Sex and romance or, “We should stop talking,” and she’s like, “Well, I guess we’ll stop talking.” You’re like, “Well, call me if you change your mind.” So you told her what you wanted. What you really want is an act of submission from her. So as the days and the weeks go by, if the feelings start creeping up on her, because you’re not the first guy that she’s dated that behaved this way with her. It’s possible she goes out with another guy and he does the same exact thing that you did, and she’s like, “Man, I haven’t heard from that guy Bob in a few weeks. It’s been like a month. I thought he would have stuck around. I wonder what he’s doing. Did he meet somebody else? Did he meet somebody younger and hotter? Is that why he just completely disappeared? I don’t understand that,” because most guys don’t do that. They keep pushing and pursuing, and then they agree to be stuck in friend-zone, and they just become one of her male orbiters, hoping someday that they’re going to get another chance.

If nothing else, it would be great to get some sort of closure so I can move on, which I am doing as I can’t wait around for her.

Yeah, you’re not going to get any closure. Don’t call her. Don’t contact her. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You either get what you want or no deal. It’s got to be a win-win or no deal. There wasn’t a meeting of the minds. A deal was not possible. You laid out your terms. If she’s not down for your terms, then you gave her the gift of missing you permanently, if need be. So you had the balls to do that. Keep it going, man, and with the next girl that comes along, you’ll be none the wiser, so you won’t make the same mistakes.

If she me misses me, she’ll get back in touch, but if not, big lessons learned and I’ll move on.

I love your work by the way.

Cheers,

Bob

Well I mean, at the end of the day, this woman brought you to my work. So whether you get her back, it’s like you either get her back or you’re going to find somebody younger and hotter. Somebody that you probably wouldn’t have thought you would have ever been able to land. So that’s my goal for you, because as the book says, it says How To Be a 3% Man, winning the woman of your dreams, not how to settle for an average girl or a mediocre girl. It’s a woman of your dreams. It’s about reaching your full potential.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.