Why Closure Is So Important

Jun 21, 2012 by Coach Corey Wayne

Why it’s hard to move on after breakups & why we feel like we want to say or do things to hurt the one we lost. Whenever a breakup occurs, there is always some pain involved even if you part ways on good terms. Today I got several e-mails from different guys who are all struggling with letting go of rejection or relationships that did not work out in the past. Both men and women when a breakup occurs, most often will feel better about the breakup if they feel that the other person hurts more than they do. They go out of their way to try to communicate to their former lover that they are emotionally unaffected by the breakup and have moved on.

People try to show that they care the least when in reality it’s simply masking that they still care a lot. It’s really painful when the other person walks away and they don’t want to talk to you or communicate with you at all. The following is an e-mail from a guy who got dumped by a woman he appears to have tried to buy her love through buying her gifts, furniture and getting her a place to live. He feels used, hurt and very angry. Even though it’s been several months and he’s been hooking up with new women, he is still tormented by what he feels is a lack of closure to the previous relationship. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:

Hi Corey,

Ok, about six months ago my ex decided she was done. She left and we never talked again. In the beginning, I was the needy one and did every wrong there is, and possibly made some new ones. (That is why she left you. You acted like a needy little jackass because you did not believe you deserved to have a woman like her love you. You lived in fear that she would not love you always. Maybe because you knew you were doing things to drive her away, but could not figure out exactly what they were until you read my book.)

When we first got together she had nothing. She lived in a room with her three boys at her bosses house. Once we got together, I stepped up to the plate and swung for a home run. Within thirty days I managed to get her her own place with furniture, appliances, etc. (I see, you tried to buy her love by paying her bills. You tried to bribe her into loving you by spending money on her. You probably tried to control her too and felt like she owed you? You set her up, so then you felt entitled to the pussy? That is horsetrading, not love.)

I lived with her every weekend and we never had a fight. (Why complain and fuck up the gravy train for herself?) When she left me like she did I was so hurt. She showed no mercy. So I never got closure. I blew up her phone with calls and texts, but got no reply that weekend. She was nowhere to be found and I feel she was with someone else, and that this was planned. (Probably. She was scared of your controlling ways I bet. The purpose of all relationships is you go there to give! You’re like the rich dude who goes to the strip club and pays for some young strippers bills in hopes she will love him. She will as long as the money keeps flowing, or, she finds someone she likes better to use.)

I followed your advice and stopped making contact for three months, where I dated other ladies and slept with at least 8-10 other ladies. (Good job! Do more of that. Repetition is the mother of skill. You need to improve your skills so you stop acting so weak and needy around women or you will continue to attract shallow women who will use you and toss you aside when they find someone better to use. No one will ever do or say anything to you that YOU don’t invite them to do!) But with each day the pain continued to grow rather than fade; to the point where I broke down and contacted her friend to see if she would talk to her friend and try and arrange for me to put this behind me. Still nothing.

(That was pathetically weak dude! You should perceive yourself as a catch. Men who do, feel its the woman’s loss when she lets them go. She wants nothing to do with you! Grow a set of balls and walk away! You are surrounded by an all-you-can-eat pussy buffet if you just open your fucking eyes! You deserve a woman who will love you for you! Someone who will communicate like an adult and appreciate you. You never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you. Fuck her! It’s her loss. Let some other chump deal with her. She’s no longer your problem. Just resolve to never try to buy another woman’s love again. You diminish yourself when you do. Act like a man!)

Not only do I feel used abused and disrespected, I feel very angry to the point that after all I helped her with, the one time I could use her help, she refuses altogether. (You ignore the fact that a relationship takes two. You’re the only one still trying to make something out of nothing, instead of, being grateful you are easily getting laid with new and exciting women! It’s only a matter of time before the next great love of your life comes along. Just look at all women you are meeting as practice for the next great love of your life. They are preparing you for her.

So you better get ready or you will fuck it up because you are uprepared. Have fun dude! You’re a man. The world is your oyster!) I am extremely hurt and the more I think of it, the more I am bound to destroy myself and her. (You need to cut that bullshit out immediately. That is nonsense! This is your crap and your weakness that you are expecting her to deal with. How dare you! You need to grow up, be a man, and admit you epically fucked up your relationship with her because you were totally ignorant about women. However, you now have my book and have been diligently applying what I teach and are seeing some results.

Cut yourself some fucking slack and stop taking yourself so God-Damn seriously!!! Relax! Breathe! Life is a journey. Enjoy that you have the rest of your life to explore and meet even higher quality women than your ex. It’s time for you to become a better man so you can attract a better quality woman who will treat you better.) I do not like this feeling. (Well, they are still your feelings. Take time to cry, feel and authentically be present with your negative and dark emotions. Speak them aloud at night when you have time by yourself. Once you are fully present with them, they will dissolve.

Use this approach every time you feel them. Over several weeks and months it will hurt less and less. You must feel them to heal them. Have you ever watched how children experience emotions? One minute they are screaming bloody murder when they are upset, the next minute they are happily skipping for joy down the street as if nothing ever happened. You suffer because you want things to be other than they are with your ex. Be a man. Admit you fucked it up. Be ok with it. Making mistakes in relationships is how you grow and learn.

Be patient, better always comes.) I asked myself if I still loved her, and of course I do. Do I think I did anything wrong? No. (Dude, you are EPICALLY bullshitting yourself. ALL WOMEN would have rejected you for behaving the way you did with your ex. Don’t believe me? Ask several dozen women their opinion of your situation, how needy you acted, listen to their responses, and take it like a man. Resolve to be a better man and to never act that weak again!) I have this lump in my stomach from the thought of ungratefulness. (When you give to a giver, the giver gives back.

When you give to a taker, the taker just… SUCKS!!! You made a bad judgement call. That’s all. You failed to remain objective, and therefore, acted dopey. You got what you deserved. It was an expensive lesson. You will laugh at yourself over this in a few months. You acted like a fool and you know it!) I just want to destroy everything she seems to enjoy. (No you don’t. You just want to stop hurting and move on.

You must feel it to heal it like I discussed above. You must admit your mistakes and do better with the next girl. “I have failed over and over and that is why I succeed.” ~ Michael Jordan.) I feel like she must have done something so wrong that she is guilty and can’t face me. (You creeped her out probably. Who cares. She’s gone. It’s irrelevant.)

Still, I have a right to closure and tie up lose ends. (No you don’t. Freedom comes not from man, not from the state, but from the Lord. You must respect her free will. You have no right or claim over, or upon her.) After all, if she can’t give me closure then I feel she deserves pain too. (You’ve hurt her enough already. That is why she left you.) Please help me with this. I do not like it being like this and I for sure don’t want to cause her pain, (I know, you just want to heal and move on.) but I told her nicely I need closure, answer a few questions, and part ways, otherwise if she wants me to live in pain, she too will have to as well. (Forget about her.

You must practice your skills with other women so you can be prepared for someone really special when she comes along. It’s simply a matter of time. You should book a phone coaching session with me so I can help you further by CLICKING HERE. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn how to meet and date the type of women you’ve always wanted and have effortless relationships.)

Please help me.
Raymond

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Published on June 21, 2012

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Hello,

    I will begin this comment by saying that I’m a woman and I find this email frightening. Saying that you want to hurt her. Why? Because she can’t give you what you need? Because you’re incapable of tying her down with gifts and bribes? You have essentially set yourself up to be an obligation. “Hmm, now she has to stay with me because I gave her this, this and this.” How attractive is that? How is that inspiring? No wonder she left you. And you’re fooling yourself if you believe you love her.

    What’s really going on here is that you feel hurt and cheated. And you’re pining after what you think you deserve. But really, you gave for all the wrong reasons. You didn’t give to her because you love her and were trying to help her out of a bad situation. You gave to her because you wanted something in return. Don’t pretend to be a good Samaritan wronged for doing a good deed. Just because you give someone something doesn’t mean you’re entitled to them. You can give a stray food all day but it won’t come to you unless it wants to. And isn’t it better that way?

    I’d much rather have a man come to me of his own freewill than to come to me out of obligation. And in the same respect I’d appreciate the gift given to me genuinely far more than the one with strings attached. And to put it into perspective for you, imagine if these women you’ve had sex with came to you demanding a relationship. How would that make you feel? “I had sex with you, so now I deserve a relationship. Because after all that’s why I did it.” Would you feel obligated then? Even if you did it wouldn’t feel very good. And eventually, you’d leave.

    Now you may feel that I’m judging you unfairly in respect to what she has done. But I’m not dealing with her, I’m dealing with you and your decisions. You attracted a leech. Notice I said you. She didn’t come into your life and steal your resources away, you willingly surrendered them to her in the hopes of gaining something. And in doing so you set yourself up for disappointment. If nothing else at least learn to take some responsibility for your actions. Yes, it hurts more that way because you’ll realize you’ve failed but living life as a victim makes you weak and renders you powerless. And If your courageous enough to face that pain, life will bring you pleasures beyond your imagination.

    • Hey Kira,
      You make lot of sense, I’m a man and was in the same situation, I had to help this girl find a place since she was new to the place and also guided her in finding a job. I did make mistakes by making her feel that i’m controlling her too much and then she left me for another guy. I, for a while really felt hurt and tried getting some help through her friends but nothing worked. Now I no longer wait for her to come back because I looked needy and I don’t blame her for anything since I did not live up to the expectations. All I can say is “stop feeling that she needs to suffer and regret and be happy that you gave a stable life to a human being” My sincere suggestion is help and be nice to people without expecting anything back and always learn from your mistakes and become a better person.

  2. WOW COREY, that is some in your face advice and counseling, I feel as if I have been doing the same thing with my ex. Not because I can’t get someone else, but because it is her I want because we have kids together. Either way, straight up way to look at it man….for real. I have dated other women, slept with other women and they just don’t amount to her worth. But you are right the only reason I want to talk with her is I think I am going to find those magic words one day. Still she seems to be hanging on and wanting me around though with no commitment. Weird. But again great advice in my opinion

  3. If attraction is not a choice, then why is it once you have blown it with a women, you no longer have a chance with them? Is it not possible to re-attract them after you have dropped below the 50% marker?

  4. Um I’m a woman and in a similar situation as the guy that wrote in. Dude I love guys that are needy and dedicate their lives to me. Me and my ex have 1 baby together but we had 3 all together. I did everything for this guy. I paid most the bills, did all the home/kid stuff, I look good and I support everything he does school and his business. He broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because I brought up something traumatic that happened to him when he was 19 and kinda called him a liar. We fight over everything food, the kid, drinking. He still tries to see me and kiss me and hook up and it’s like he’s bipolar one second he’s going off on me calling me a controlling rude little bitch and the next minute he’s in love telling me how much he loves and misses me and he’ll cry and beg me to come see him knowing I have the kids. We’ve tried to hang out and we end up having blow out fights. Idk I just wish he was like the guy that wrote the letter. I feel like he’s so selfish breaking up our family. He says he needs space at least 6 months living apart. But I’m fucking pissed like wtf. He says he wants to work on things but it’s like he’s moving on already. I even had to deactivate my fb because he was logging into it seeing what I’m doing. Idk but I agree with some of the things you say Corey, but I don’t think the solution is to go sleep with people. I have no intentions of dating or sleeping with anyone and neither does he according to what he says. And if he did go sleep with someone else or start dating I would never ever take him back.

  5. Wow…What kind of guy dates (and even worse , falls in love with) a woman with three(3) kids that are arent his own? No matter how old he is.

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