Why Complaining About Her Low Interest In Sex Doesn’t Help & What To Do Instead

Why a woman will lose interest in sex during a long term relationship & how to fix it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for over 10 years. He’s married with two kids. He asks how to not come off as needy or impatient when it comes to sex because he’s married with kids, they have two careers and he no longer has an abundance mentality.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s been following my work for over a decade now, and he says because of it, he was able to meet his bride and he and his bride now have two kids. So he asks how to, because he no longer has an abundance mentality, because again, they’ve been together a lot of years and they got two kids, he’s got a busy career, she’s got a busy career, and he wants to know how to not come off as needy or impatient when it comes to sex because again he’s like, “I don’t have an abundance mentality anymore. How do I be mysterious?” He’s like, “I work from home a lot. I do a lot with the kids during the day.” She’s a nurse, so she works at night and in the weekends. So it’s kind of hard for him to be a little mysterious.

However, the reason why women in long-term relationships don’t want to have sex is they don’t feel safe anymore. The reason they don’t feel safe is because the man is not leading like he should, or obviously in this case, like he used to. If you’re focusing on sex and intimacy and the lack thereof, you got to get back to the book and get back to the basics because you have strayed from it. Whether you think you did or you didn’t, all I got to do is look at what the woman is doing and saying, the fact that you’re basically complaining about a lack of sex and intimacy, you’re not going to talk a woman into changing her feelings towards you just by complaining about it and basically saying, “Hey, give it up.” Doesn’t work that way.

So you got to get back to the basics of dating and courting her properly and being a leader in the household and the head of the family like you used to be, because you clearly have gotten away from it. All I have to do is look at how your wife is showing up and the fact that she’s not as interested in sex, if you date in court your wife properly, or your girlfriend and you make her feel heard and understood, the legs are going to open. If the legs are closed, that’s because she doesn’t feel heard and understood.

A lot of guys again, one of the 10 Disciplines Of Love, when you’re experiencing pain in a relationship, it’s usually because you’re focusing on yourself. So he’s clearly experiencing pain because he wants to get laid. He wants to bust a nut, but his girl is not as open as she used to be. Instead of figuring out why and opening her up, he has resorted to complaining about it. Which is what most guys do that don’t get any pussy in their long-term relationships. It’s not going to fucking work, dude. What you do to get her is what you do to keep her.

You’ve been following me on and off for 10 years. Like most guys. You probably haven’t read the book in years and you completely got away from the baseline fundamentals, and now you’re showing up looking for a quick fix or a magic pick-up line. The bottom line is, the legs are mostly closed to you because your wife no longer feels safe. Again, I’ve discussed this in the podcast with the girls many a times because this is a very common problem in long-term relationships. The guys all do the same two things: They don’t date and court the girl anymore properly, and they’re not making her feel heard and understood. When you’re complaining about a lack of sex, you’ve already lost. You got to get back to the basics.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Back in the Fall of 2014, I was in a dark place because of a girl, and that’s when I discovered your work. By the fall of 2015, I had turned things around, dating multiple women and rebuilding my confidence. In the Spring of 2016, I met my wife by following your principles, and we got married in the Summer of 2018.

Now, after more than seven years of marriage and two kids, things are still great. I’ve continued to court and date my wife, and our connection is still strong. We have amazing, passionate sex, and the spark is definitely still there.

Well, it sounds like everything’s great. It’s like, “Why even write an email?” But he’s trying to say, “Oh, everything’s great, Coach,” but obviously the last paragraph shows that there actually is a problem. So I would say he’s guilty of bullshitting himself and bullshitting me. You got to get back into the book, dude. You probably haven’t looked at it in years, because I do a lot of phone sessions with guys who have been following me for eight, 10, 15 years or more, and I was like, “When’s the last time you went through the book?” It was like, “Ah, like seven years ago, eight years ago when we met.” I would like, “It’s not gonna work, dude.”

Great students will go through the book at least twice a year, like every six months. They go through it once just to keep it sharp, and if it’s been a lot of years since you went back through the book, well when you do go through it, you’ll realize how far away you have strayed because it happens slowly over time, over many months and years. It doesn’t typically happen over a few weeks.

So you guys are just kind of in your routine now and it’s been so long since you spent any time with the book and the material that you got away from the fundamentals. It’s great that you’re dating and courting her, but if the legs are closed, most of the time it’s because she doesn’t feel safe, and typically it’s because she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Maybe you’re butting heads on things, or she’s complaining about something more than once and you’re just thinking, “Oh, I didn’t think she really meant that,” or she was serious because again, when a woman feels heard, understood, the legs are always open like fucking 7-Eleven, you can have it any time you want. When they close, you got you got off track somewhere.

My question is this: As a married man who’s no longer living from an abundance mindset, how do I avoid coming across as needy or impatient when it comes to sex and affection?

OK, that tells me you’re upset that you’re not getting enough pussy, even though in the previous paragraph, what did you just say? “I’ve continued to court and date my wife. Our connection is still strong. We have amazing, passionate sex and the spark is definitely still there.” So he says everything’s great. Two sentences later, “How do I avoid coming across as needy or impatient when it comes to sex and affection?” So things aren’t as great as your you represented in your previous paragraph. So you got to be honest. You can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them.

So what that tells me is you’re not happy with the frequency of the amount of pussy you’re getting. On top of that, you’re complaining to your wife and it’s bothering you instead of you trying to diagnose and figure out where he went wrong or where he got away from the book. You believe that complaining and bitching about it is going to make her legs open, and you should know better if you’ve been following me for this long. I would say more than likely, you just probably haven’t been through the book in years, you’ve forgotten a lot of things and she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Usually the solution or the problem really is in what she complains about. Women will complain about the same things over and over and over again. Most of the time what I hear from guys is like, “I didn’t think she was serious. I didn’t think she meant that. I just figured she was having a bad day or she was mad.” I would be like, “When a woman continually complains about the same thing and you don’t do anything to take corrective action, you got a problem.”

Again, this tells me he’s focused on what he’s not getting in the relationship instead of going, “Well, why are the legs closed?” So that also tells me he’s trying to seduce her when she’s not open to it and he’s getting rejected. If you know the book backwards and forwards, you don’t ever get rejected for sex. What happens is usually she wants sex more than you do, but it’s clearly the opposite. I know for a fact he’s gotten away from the book because again, I’ve been doing this 20 years. I hear the same issues over and over and over again. I could do it in my sleep. So I’m saying, dude, you need to crack the book back open and get through it again.

My wife’s a nurse who works late and often on weekends, while I handle the kids’ routines and work from home part of the week. With our busy schedules, how can I keep that sense of mystery, unpredictability, and attraction alive in our relationship?

Thanks for your help,

A Perpetual Student

Well, a large part of the day you’re not even around each other, so you don’t necessarily know what she’s doing, and she doesn’t necessarily know what you’re doing or what you’re up to.

So I wouldn’t say mystery is the issue. I would say communication is an issue. Again, if you’re focused on the fact that you’re getting rejected for sex, that tells me you’re trying to seduce her, touch her and kiss her, and she’s not open to it. You’re not recognizing that. Again, that tells me that you’re missing some knowledge from the book. Again, when it’s been seven, eight years since you’ve been with her, you’ve probably got serious and things were great. Yeah, I’m sure you’re probably dating and courting her, but at the end of the day, the legs are closed most of the time, and then you’re getting upset that they’re closed again instead of going, “Well, why are the legs closed?” Well, when a woman feels heard and understood, they’re always open. When she doesn’t, the legs are closed. So I would have to say she doesn’t feel heard and understood. She doesn’t trust your judgment. She doesn’t trust your leadership because you’re not consistently acting masculine. A guy who’s bitching about how often or how little sex he’s getting, or he gets butt-hurt when he gets rejected has completely strayed from the book. So you got to get back to the basics and get her open up.

What is the whole process of a date? In other words, making a date. A definite date, definite time, definite place. When you’re on the date, have fun, make sure she’s laughing, make sure she’s doing 80%, 90% of the talking and you ask questions to open her up. Then what happens? The more she talks, the more you listen. What do you notice? She plays with her hair. She touches your arm. She leans in. She gets extra close. She bumps into you while you’re walking down the street or you’re standing in your kitchen or whatever. When a woman is ready to be touched, she bumps into you physically. If she’s open to you totally, she’s always going to be touching you. She’s always going to be sitting down next to you. She’s always going to want to be affectionate. When a woman is like that, you can seduce her at any fucking time you want and the legs will always be open to you. So you definitely got away from the book, and if you go through it, it will help you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.