Why Did She Say I Need Space To Know What I Want?

Why a woman says she needs space to know what she wants & what you should do.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 29 year old viewer who is new to my work. Recently his 31 year old girlfriend of 9 months broke up with him saying she needed space to know what she wants. They are still hooking up, but he says waiting to hear from her is eating him alive. He lives with his mom while he tries to grow his new business. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Why Did She Say I Need Space To Know What I Want?”

Well, what she’s really saying is you’re smothering her. You’re calling too much, you’re texting too much, you’re all over her ass like white on rice, basically. And as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So this particular email, this guy is 29. He’s new to my work, and recently, his 31 year old girlfriend of nine months broke up with him, saying that she needs space to know what she wants. I mean, clearly she knows she doesn’t want him, but she’s not really sure.

So she’s kind of holding on to him while she looks for somebody else, potentially. He says they’re still hooking up, but waiting to hear from her is just eating him alive. So you could tell, so, and the one other caveat is he’s living with his mom while he tries to grow a business on the side. She’s 31 and thinking, “when is this guy going to get his life together?” And plus, you can tell he’s treating her like his Mommy and his Therapist, or an Emotional Support Human instead of his woman, his Queen, his Teammate, his Lover. And he’s so he’s clearly not leading in the relationship.

That’s why women say this. And so when a guy grows up, and he didn’t get enough hugs, and “I love you”‘s from Mom and Dad. He doesn’t feel like he’s going to get the love that he deserves and he wants. So he tries to force himself into the woman’s life. He calls too much. He texts too much. He’s too easy to available, too soft. He’s not willing to stand up for himself and his values and what he believes in. The woman can kind of push him around and get away with him. And he’s just not really committed to who he is and what he believes in because he’s so afraid of losing her attention and her validation.

And the number one strength characteristic that women love in men is confidence. And so he’s displaying the opposite of it. And so they were together for about nine months, and that was enough time for her to get to the point where he just basically dried her up. She’s no longer turned on by him like she once was, and doesn’t see him as a potential romantic prospect long term. Even though he’s building a business, he’s living with his mom. What’s going on here is that he’s just kind of acting like a girl a lot of times.

And if I was talking to the woman, she would probably say that she feels like his mother often. And I hear that a lot. I had a phone session yesterday with a guy, it was like his ex-girlfriend said that I feel like your mother. And this is what happens when you don’t have a strong dad who’s masculine, who teaches you how to be a man. So if he lives with his mom, I’m assuming he was probably raised by a single mom. And so most women that are in that position think, “you know what? I’ve been hurt my men my whole life.”

“And so therefore, I don’t want my sons to grow up and be big meanies to women.” And what they end up doing is turning their sons into a bunch of fucking pussies, and soft and weak, and they just don’t act masculine. I mean, all you gotta do is watch any TV show or movie that comes out these days. And the men act like girls, and the women act like men. But you go back 50, 60, 70 years ago, you watched the movies. Men were men, women were women.

The sexual polarity is totally screwed up in society. And so if this is the only content you’re consuming, and on top of that, you don’t have a dad or a father or an uncle or a grandfather to teach you these things, then you’re going to act like what you, in essence, have become brainwashed to act like, which is a girl. Even though you’re a guy.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I (29 years) have been dating a girl (31 years) for 9 months and we broke up last week. We still have sex, but she said the “usual” I need space to know what I really want. Since she is thinking about creating a family with me, she became scared about the future because I’m still building up a business and living with my mom.

Well, that becomes a logical excuse and she obviously has fears around that. But what the real issue is when a woman says, I need space, what that means is you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much, you’re way over pursuing her. It doesn’t make her feel safe to trust your masculine core, because you don’t act like a man. You’re acting like an insecure girl. And as I talk about in 3% Man, and if you’re new here, you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just go and subscribe to the free Email Newsletter and it’ll open up right in your web browser.

And so what this guy needs to do is he needs a back off. Because when a woman says, “I need space, stop calling, stop texting”, say, “no problem, babe. Hit me up when you miss me terribly.” And then if 3 or 4 days go by and she sends you a meme, or she says, “hey, how are you?” Assume she’s had enough space and she wants to see you. So just try to set the next date. As the book says, your job as a man in the courtship is really just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Not try to lock her down, or to get her back, or to convince her to be in a relationship with you. That is feminine energy.

It’s the woman’s department to be the one who wants to be in an exclusive, long term relationship. She should be earning another chance with you, not the other way around. But if you’ve been treating her like your mommy and your therapist and your emotional support human, it’s hard. That’s why you’ll see as this guy says, it’s just eating him up alive. Because dealing with the silence. So him reaching out is not reaching out because he wants to say, “hey babe, I miss you, I love you, I’m thinking about you, looking forward to seeing you.”

He’s not reaching out to give love to, or he’s reaching out because he needs an, “attaboy.” Because he basically needs a stroke from his girlfriend that he didn’t get from his parents, quite frankly, growing up. And this is disgusting and repulsive to him. And even though this is what you see on TV, in the movies all the time, you do this in the real world. You’ll dry a woman up, you’ll turn her off, and she won’t want to be with you. She’ll let you be your friend, a nice guy. You could unclog a toilet, change the battery in her car, mow or lawn, whatever happens to be.

But you’re not going to get access to the box. At least not for very long. And so now she’s kind of keeping him at arm’s length because women focus on how they feel about you. Not what a great guy you are, how handsome you are, how much money you have, or the fact that you got goals and dreams and you’re striving for them. They care about how you make them feel. And when you over pursue like this, it’s disgusting and repulsive and it turns them off. It’s like dating another girl or totally ruins the sexual polarity.

According to her words I could not give her the stability she needs a house to live in, but I strongly doubt her words and I think it’s because I became lazy with my kickboxing training and not listening to her feelings.

Well, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open and when she doesn’t, the legs are going to close. They’ll be closed for business.

I still really like her and trying my best to let her chase me, but the waiting period is eating me alive. 

Well, this is the wall of fear that every guy has to deal with has to overcome. I wrote about this in my book. It took me about a year and a half of just back and forth with a girl I was dating. Because you really care about her. You’re wrapped up, you’re infatuated with her and the idea of being in a relationship with her. Rejection breeds obsession, in this case. And when you see a girl go from being really in you and jumping into your arms, can’t wait to see you, to, “I need space” or “I only think of you as a friend.” That sucks.

That’s not a good feeling when you try to ask a woman to explain to you why this is going on. The explanations never really make any sense and quite frankly, aren’t very useful. You talk to other women and what do they say? “Oh, tell her how you feel. Tell her how much you really like her. And you really care about her. And you really love her. And you really want to make things work.” The problem is, is too much attention, too much interest over contacting, too much drooling all over her, being too soft, not being willing to stand up for yourself and what you want.

Just simply saying no, I don’t want to do that. I’d rather do this instead. Just little simple things. A woman wants to know that you got your opinions, and if she gets out of line, you’ll put her in her place. But when you’re too nice, you’re too soft, you over pursue. You’re again, you’re just basically acting like a little girl. It turns them off.

She still contacts me and is still affectionate. Last time we met (3 days ago) she also said, “I love y..” but did not finish her sentence. I joked around and said “I heard what you said. You can’t hide it” but I’m scared to lose her.

Well, that’s your problem. What you fear, you attract, and what you look at disappears. So your constant fear of losing her again comes from mom and dad not giving you enough hugs and I love you’s. And so you grew up starved for attention. Starved for love. And so you doubt it. You doubt that you’re going to get the love that you want. And so you try to force things you call too much. You text too much. You try to force interactions. “Hey, I’m going to stop by unannounced” stuff like that. So when he feels her pull away, which is what women do naturally, women are like cats like that. But a guy who grew up in an environment where he didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, it’s like he said, it’s eating him alive.

I remember what that used to feel like. It really fucking sucks. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you have no appetite. You don’t feel like hanging out with your friends. You don’t feel like going to work. You don’t feel like doing your work when you’re at work and you just tend to. I remember sit in my office looking out the window, watching the cars go by and just put my phone on (DND) do not disturb locking my office door and just contemplating my life and contemplating how or what it would be like if it didn’t work out with this girl. And how long will it be until I meet somebody that I feel the same way about?

And what I often say is, you typically get 1 to 3 of those type of women per decade where you really click with on all levels. And so when you know somebody that comes along like that only happens 1 to 3 times a decade and you’re in the process of losing some and you’re like, oh man, it’s is gonna be several years before I meet somebody else that I really click with like this? That sucks. That’s disconcerting. And it’s not fun. But this is something he has to overcome because if he doesn’t overcome it with her, he’ll chase the next woman right out of his life for doing exactly the same things.

If I was talking to all his ex-girlfriends, they’d all tell me that they probably left him and dumped him for exactly the same reasons. So this is something, as a man, you have to get past. You have to learn to be okay with not hearing from her. And especially at this point if she’s dumped you or in this case, she says she wants space. Then it doesn’t sound like she’s broken up. She’s just like, “get the fuck! Step the fuck back! Pump the brakes! Get away from me! Let me be.” And you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with not hearing from her and not knowing when you’re going to hear from her, or if you will hear from her, because these are really his insecurities, his fears, his doubts that he has to deal with.

Something that can help alleviate this is the Consciousness Exercises doing Stages 1 through 12. Do them like Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Do it three times a week. Put it on your big screen TV. Spend about an hour, hour and a half going through all 12 stages. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better, and then that’ll help you get refocused on your work and the things that you need to do. If you go to the homepage, on my YouTube channel @CoachCoreyWayne, and just scroll all the way to the bottom where you can see the whole Playlist with Doctor D’Anna and Gracie demonstrating the Consciousness Exercises. And so just do them stage 1 through 12, and that will help you feel better so you can focus on what you need to do.

Especially in this case he’s building a business. You really need to focus on your business and what you’re doing. Instead of sitting here wondering and worrying when or if you’re going to hear from your girlfriend again. And so at this point, when a woman says, “I need space”, you got to let her do all the calling, all the texting, all the pursuing and reaching out. And then when you hear from her, you assume she’s had enough space and is ready to see you. Then you just make the next date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Don’t focus on locking her down.

Don’t. There’s nothing to try to fix. It’s just women need to have space and time away from you. To wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you. Wonder what you’re doing. Wonder who you’re with. But a guy who didn’t get enough hugs from mom and dad is going to over pursue. And he’s going to chase. And if he doesn’t stop, if he doesn’t exercise self-control, he will literally chase her right out of her life or his life.

She says she is focusing on herself and is not ready to meet anybody else and want to keep having sex, but I don’t believe that because of past relationships that fucked me over.

So right there, that statement. You know what that tells me? Every single woman, he’s every day that he really like. This is exactly what happens over and over and over and over again. And so what he’s always done is he wasn’t able to pump the brakes. He wasn’t able to give the woman space when she wanted space. And he ended up just chasing her right out of his life. Probably got friend zoned at times. And then he figured, hey, I’ll just, I’ll be okay with being her friend. She’ll see what a great guy I am, and then eventually she’ll come back. But what ends up happening is she runs off a Chad Thunder Cock and then he’s left with a broken heart.

So again, if you don’t get it right with this girl, the next girl you’re going to have same issues with. So you might as well read the book and apply it. I know it’s hard, it’s not fun, but you have to have enough instances of her pulling back and becoming cold, becoming distant, being unavailable, and you just letting her be. And then she comes back to realize that women really, truly are like cats. That’s just how they operate. This is like little Ocean here. You know, you sit in my lap every time I sit down to film. She sits, jumps in the chair, waiting for me to sit down because she knows what’s getting ready to happen. But throughout the time I’m filming the video, she hears something.

She barks, she runs out there, goes and hangs out with the girls, and then comes back and jumps up in the chair. And that’s just that’s kind of a microcosm the way women are now. Rocky, on the other hand, the her boyfriend, I guess, if you will, her her baby daddy, most of the time he’ll just hang out with me the whole time. He won’t be getting up and back and forth the whole time. So, you know, it’s just that’s how feminine energy operates. Masculine energy needs to be okay with the feminine energy disappearing and going off and doing things.

And when you get past this, you get on the other side of the wall of fear, and you know, you’re no longer bothered by this, and then your girl gets a little different or she’s like, “hey, I’m going to go to my moms, or I’m gonna hang out with my girlfriends.” You’re going to be going, oh, thank God I get some peace in my life. I can I can go hang out with the boys. I can go to poker night. I can clean out my garage. I can work on my car. I can mow the lawn. I can read a book. I can just sit around at the house by myself, maybe watch some TV, listen some music, do some errands. Just have alone time. But when you’re insecure, it’s, you know, again, he’s kind of treating her like his emotional support human instead of his teammate and his lover.

She looks like a loyal woman but I’m not capable to look at it with a sober view because I’m still in love.

Well, you’re in love with the idea of what you want her to be in your projecting your fantasy onto her. But what’s happening is you’re getting upset because women are like cats and you’re smothering the girl. You’re literally chasing her out of your life. You have to fucking stop. When a woman says, I need space, you don’t pursue anymore. You must stop or you will get dumped. It’s a certainty.

I bought a physical copy of how to be a 3% Man plus I bought an audible version. I’m currently in my third reading.

I’m at the point now that I know that I’m not knowing.

Can you please make a video about this topic.

Well, good. Reading the book and learning it and applying it and starting to slowly see over the coming weeks and months these patterns that I talk about in the book. Showing up in your relationship. You’ll get to the point you’re like, ah, this is really easy, really predictable. I was having lunch the other day and some dude came up. He was pretty jacked. He’s got long hair. Older guy. And he’s with a hot younger woman who’s got giant boobs. Very beautiful, very bubbly, very sweet. And he comes over to say, hey, man, I follow you. He’s like, he says, your stuff really works. And I was like, I know. And so it was nice. He ended up buying me lunch, which was really cool.

So again, it’s like, even if you think I’m full of shit, if you apply what I teach, if you read this book and you apply it, the stuff that’s going on in this email will be a thing in the past. And as you get older and you look back on it, you’ll just laugh at how silly you were. But if you really take the time to read the book and most importantly, apply it, you’ll see that what I talk about is true, that women really are as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. When you understand how they operate and why they operate the way they do, it’s actually pretty beautiful when you see that. Because women are there, designed to help us fix the chinks in our armor, to notice our weaknesses and help give us the opportunity so we can grow beyond them and become better men.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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