Why Do You Want Them Back?

Some things you should consider if you’ve had a recent breakup or got rejected by someone you really liked, and you want a second chance at getting it right, so you can make sure you really want them back for the right reasons.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is pretty attached to, and suffering from, being rejected by a man she was dating, but wanted to keep seeing romantically. She discovered my work just last month and has a hard time admitting what I teach to be true, even though she admits and knows that it is. However, she says she is starting to better understand why she behaved the way she did with him and why she felt the way she did about him.

She asks my opinion on leaving the door open for a second chance in the future and how she is conflicted about wanting him back. He obviously roughed up her ego, and her email is a great illustrative example about how men and women are both affected and have a hard time moving on, even though they know they should, when they have been dumped, and it was not their choice to end things. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.

Hey Corey,

I hope you doing well! I discovered your work only last month, I watch all your videos, and now I’m getting close to buying your book. (You can read it for free on my website until you feel comfortable buying it.) I have a question, actually two. You always simply add, when a relationship ends say, “Call me if you change your mind.” (With most of the people who come to me, especially the ones who are reviewing “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” they’ve done something to screw up their relationships. In those cases, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.) I struggle with that. Obviously, if someone is respectful enough, that would come to my mind, and I would even reword this naturally, because it’s worth it, but you can’t always apply it if you get rejected, right? (Well, the only time you should do it is if you want that person back, and if you’re the one that screwed things up. However, you have to give them the space to choose to give you another chance. They pushed you away because they felt you had no value. Therefore, the only way they’re going to get to spend time with you is if they show you they value you by contacting you.) Especially if someone hasn’t been respectful, I guess without even realizing it. And also, when someone rejects you, why would you want them back?! (If you’re the one who screwed things up, you’re going to be the one who wants them back.) Unless you had a relationship for quite some time, and you obviously both tried to make it work at some point. I’m talking about at least 3 years of being together.

My point is, it happened to me recently, if I can use this example. I fell in love with a guy who was 5 years younger than me, usually they are 5 years older, ha-ha, and I think when you talk about the 4-5 weeks for a woman to fall in love, it’s bloody true. (If a guy follows exactly what I teach in my book, usually by week or date number seven, that’s when she falls head over heels in love and wants to be exclusive. Women are all about getting a guy’s attention, and if you treat them right, they will want your attention all the time.) I couldn’t fight this fact, which I found weird at the time, not knowing why I lost control of my emotions, because I wasn’t ready. (You were really into him, and perhaps had a meltdown because he didn’t match your unreasonable expectations.) I found him very attractive from the first day I saw him, and honestly everything clicked both ways for 2 months. However, knowing that the situation would never let us progress, obviously, and I was playing with fire, I had to let it go, and I was okay with that before those dangerous 4-5 weeks. The “break up” was okay, but we slept together a couple of times after that, which he initiated. That was “okay” I guess from both of us, BUT I didn’t manage to keep him as a friend. He did cut all communication with me. I didn’t blow his phone up, but tried to communicate. (The bottom line is, you continued to pursue.) Yes, he managed to take what he wanted from me, and me not totally, but I was open for a friendship. (The more you try and force yourself to not think about somebody, the more you’re going to think about them.) I was trying to switch to the friends button, because that’s where we were happily heading, but he didn’t give me this satisfaction, and it sucks. (He didn’t give you what you wanted, so you wanted it more. Scarcity creates value.) I’m 28 years old and I know what I want, but I failed the 4-5 weeks “scientific” rule of love, thinking I was stronger than that, and I’m paying the price now for a bit.

Anyway, what bothers me here is that cutting me out completely, even after sleeping together, I found rude. (It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.) Yet, easy for sure! I’m not expecting anything, and I’m not his girlfriend, but a bit of respect would be great, as I may see him again, it will feel awkward and it makes me angry, (What’s behind anger? Fear. What do you fear? You won’t see him again and you won’t get another chance. You don’t want friendship. I don’t care what you say. You wouldn’t take the time to write an email like this if you were just trying to be friends with somebody), because when he sees me he always cheers up. (What you really miss is the way he made you feel. You miss the idea of who you thought he was.) So confusing! We do have friends in common. Regarding saying, call me if you change your mind, I would rather be called by someone who has a bit more sensitivity on the subject. (Not everyone is meant to be your friend or lover. You have to be selective about who you allow in your life.) This could apply on so many levels and with so many people. I gently told him that, without pushing, and he completely ignored it. When leaving the door open to someone, they have to deserve it. (I agree. You don’t want to leave the door open for somebody who doesn’t deserve it.) I just want to know your view on that, because you always maintain to communicate, “If you change your mind…” (I didn’t say always. You’re only going to do that if you really want them back.) However, in these situations, I just want to tell those people, “Go and F yourself,” ha-ha. I did really like this guy like I probably never liked anyone before. Even though I had a longer, more successful relationship, I kept contact only with that ex, because he is genuinely an amazingly human being, and we grew together, but sometimes, like you said, it’s not meant to be, and it’s okay. It is disappointing. (You’re cool with keeping the ex-boyfriend you never had feelings for in friend-zone, because you never had feelings for him, but this guy was not cool with that. It sounds like you have a much stronger emotional attraction for the guy you wrote this email about. You don’t want to sleep with the ex who is your friend, but you want to fuck the guy who isn’t interested in friendship. Isn’t that interesting?) I live in the moment, but also like to plan simple things for the future and progress. I deleted him from my social spaces. I just want out of this and for me to heal, and I attribute that a bit to the age. He is 22. (You just have to be strong enough to walk away from guys in a messy personal situation and not get heavily involved.)

The second question is actually not a question, ha-ha. I think the guys have enough clues on relationships now, so could you please do more videos for women? (As long as I get great questions from women, I will. I try to do as many perspectives as I can, so men and women can make better choices and get what they want in life.) I know now, the older I get, the better the partner I will chose by working on myself. Thank you Corey. I hope you get this email. (Thanks for doing the work on yourself. As you become better, you’ll become a beacon of light in leadership for everyone you encounter.)

Have a beautiful day,

Jessica

“Rejection breeds obsession. When we are casually discarded and rejected by a former lover, employer, friend, customer, acquaintance, etc., and it’s not by our choosing, we often feel like we have been diminished or have lost something, because our identity and who we thought we were had become associated with being in that relationship. The superior perspective to take, in order to help us lose our attachments to what was, move on and prevent unnecessary suffering, even though it’s a hard pill to swallow, is to recognize the old relationship no longer serves us. Before better quality relationships that are more aligned with who we are becoming can manifest, relationships that need to end and are holding us back need to dissolve.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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