Why Does She Act Cold & Distant & How Do I Fix This?

How to decipher her cold & distant behavior to make her warm again.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has taken being indifferent and being low effort too far. His girlfriend started complaining he never reaches out or asks about her. So he started doing it once per month. Recently she asked for space, but warmed up after a few days. When she came over she wouldn’t sleep with him and didn’t stay the night. He wonders how to fix this.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, Why Does She Act Cold & Distant & How Do I Fix This?

So you’ve probably heard me say the quality of your relationships is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you consistently ask each other. So this particular email is from a viewer. He basically took being indifferent and being low effort way too far to the point where he made his girlfriend feel like he just didn’t give a damn about her. When that happens, that’s not a good sign. You can do that in the beginning, and she earns you and falls for you. But at some point, once you’re warm to each other, you’re sleeping together. You want to have the attitude of you’re delighted to hear from her. You’re excited to hear from her, especially when she’s doing most, if not all of the reaching out. If you act too cold, you act too distant. You never ask about her. Remember, you probably heard me say many times. When the woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs are going to close. His girlfriend started complaining that he never reaches out at all. Ever. On top of that, he never asked about her. Never asked about her day. What’s going on in her life? He just hangs out and has fun and hooks up and just acts like he doesn’t care about her.

Now, everybody that knows the book understands that, especially in the beginning, you’re going to be curious about it. You want to know things about her, but you always have to be that way. You always have to take a sincere, authentic interest in the girl you’re with. So it’s also possible maybe he’s just bored with her, doesn’t like the conversation. So he doesn’t ask anymore because deep down he really doesn’t care. If women feel or you make them feel like you just don’t give a shit. You’re just going along to get along and you like hooking up, especially if you become okay with having sex once every other week. Then what’s going to happen is she’s going to stop spending the night. She’s going to want to stop sleeping with you. She’s going to start asking for space and see if your behavior changes, because she told him what she needed. He says he started reaching out like once a month, but that wasn’t enough. She still complained. Then she said she wanted space, so he let her have space. Then she came back a few days later, they made a date. She came over and it was a good day, but she wouldn’t stay the night. No sex, maybe a little kissy poo. That was it. Now he’s like, man, how do I fix this? Because she’s definitely cold.

So, the problem is, is that he’s made her feel like he doesn’t care. That’s what women need to know in a long-term relationship that you actually care about them. If you care, you ask, if you care you’re happy to listen to her drone on about her coworkers or her drama with her parents or her sister, or whatever it happens to be, or what’s going on with one of her girlfriends in their relationship or whatever is going on in her life. You got to be excited, and you got to pay attention and just be a sounding board. Most of the time your just like. “Mhm. Uh huh. Mhm.” And half the time, your kind of not listening. But every once in a while, you repeat. “Okay, so this, this, and this happened” That’s what’s going on. It’s like, oh, well, that’s kind of crazy. What else?” And you just listen to her without trying to solve her problems. This guy fell down on that. She became attracted, fell for him, and then he was just too cold and acted too much like he didn’t care.

Basically, the same kind of thing that Tom Brady did that he just wasn’t present, didn’t care, didn’t care to ask. Maybe, you know, part of the problem is he kind of lost interest in Giselle, stopped putting his best foot forward, and was more focused on football. Despite her bitching. He didn’t change anything and then she just started cheating on him.
She had enough. She realized that he wasn’t going to change and she was really nasty about it. So that’s how bad things can get. Girl rubs another dude in your face cheats on you behind your back despite the fact you got kids and she’s a stepmom to your child with another baby mama. That’s not cool. It’s not a good example for the kids, especially when they’re public celebrities and everybody’s going to know their business because they always fucking talk about it. Or at least the woman does.

So let’s go through this guy’s email because this is a common problem in long term relationships, but it’s really easy to fix. You got to make the woman feel like you care. It’s not somebody you just met on Tinder a few weeks ago, and you’re leaving her hanging, wondering. The idea is you let her kind of twist in the wind a little bit and as soon as she starts to think you don’t care, it’s like, “Oh, baby, I’m sorry. Maybe I was a little cold. Maybe I was busy with work. I’ll make it up to you this weekend.” and then you got to do something special to make it up to her. It’s like “I’m going to take you away. I’m going to take you to a great restaurant. I want you to wear that red dress. Those cute red shoes you got. You look so hot in it. And I’ll try to keep my hands off you until we get back from dinner.”

Viewer Email:

So he says,

Hi, Coach,

 Bob here and thank you for your teachings and book. I’m a young man and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for the last seven months. A couple of months ago, she complained that I never reach out first or do so enough.

 I’ve talked about this many, many times because most of the time, if you’re warm and she feels like you care, she’s going to be calling and texting you, Face Timing you multiple times a day. She’s always going to be at your house or you’ll be at hers. You’ll just always be together. She’ll be stuck to you like a sucker fish, and she’ll be upset when you have other things you want to do, but she’ll be cool with it because she understands. You got to keep your friends, and your family, and your hobbies, and go to the gym and all that kind of stuff. She’ll be bummed and she’ll miss you when you’re not available. She gets a little frustrated but not mad. Just lets you know that she really misses you and would really wish you were available more. But she’s happy to see you. She doesn’t cop an attitude, doesn’t break your balls. She’s not nasty. She doesn’t cut you off from sex. She’s happy to see you when you’re available. You must be warm.

 If a woman’s complaining and she, does it on multiple occasions, then I what I say the best thing to do is reach out once a week, call her, FaceTime her different days, different times, different methods, maybe WhatsApp, Snapchat, wherever you guys communicate. Maybe it’s a text, maybe send her a little DM or something on Instagram. “Hey you, I’m thinking about you. Can’t wait to see you later. Just happened to be on Instagram and I saw your post. It was cool.” Or “Hey, those pictures of us at the beach were awesome. Really liked you in that bikini and I really liked taking it off. Can’t wait to see you.” That communicates that you care.

Maybe you also go to the hallmark store and pick out a nice card. You write a nice little thing and tell her a bunch of things you love about her and why you love her as your girlfriend and then mail it to her. Or if you know her office address, mail it to her office so she gets it on her desk and it’s a surprise. Every time is different. Maybe another time you write a nice little Post-it note with, “Hey you, I love you, have a great day!” And you stick it to her visor in her car. So, when she gets in her car to go to work or drive somewhere, she pulls it down and there’s a little I love you, I love this about you, or you look amazing in the blue dress or whatever it happens to be. Last night was incredible. You’re the best girlfriend ever. Food you made me was awesome. I really appreciate you taking the time to cook for me or cook for us. Just little things like that, that show you care randomly once a week, do something different. Because what she really wants is for you to show her that you care.

 Obviously you have got to ask about her. “Hey, babe. How was your day? What’s new? What’d I miss? What’s the latest gossip at the office? What’s going on with the girls? Who’s sleeping with who? What happened to so and so? Tell me, what’s the latest in the trash TV? I’m really excited here!” She’s like, “No, you’re not.” He’s like, “Of course I am. I really want to hear about trash TV. I always watch that shit with you anyway, so you might as well, You torture me with it. So, you better tell me the update, because I missed a few episodes because you watched a few of them without me. So I’m big mad about that.” Not that you really are, but you pretend you’re like a good sport. It’s kind of fun. Love is playful and fun. You’re kind of silly. It’s like you’re always kind of like a couple of little kids with each other. The couple that plays together stays together. Love is playful and fun. It should be always that way. Not sometimes, or just when you want to get a little action. You’re just always that way. Keeps her in a good mood, keeps her playful and again, at the end of the day, all she’s doing is saying, hey, show me that you care.

 So, reach out in a different way that shows you care. Don’t do it on the same day or the same time or the same method. Just be random. Maybe if you really want to lay it on thick, you do it twice in one week and then for the next two weeks only once. If you’re doing everything right, she’s going to be in constant contact with you all the time anyway, so it doesn’t fucking matter. She’s not going to bitch about it because she likes it that way because you’re always glad to hear from her. If she’s always reaching out and you’re kind of a sourpuss, you’re not very warm. You’re like, “Hey babe, I really love seeing your name pop up in my phone. As a matter of fact, as soon as I saw your name, I started getting a little tingling in my underpants. For some strange reason, I was feeling strangely aroused by your text exchange. Maybe it’s because the phone was in my pocket. It was vibrating. That’s possible. How are you? What’s your day like? It’s good to hear your voice.” That’s the way you should be.

Let her wonder so she thinks. “Oh, he doesn’t care.” be like “Babe. Of course I care.” Think of it like the little girl that needs a hug. “Daddy loves you. Yes, of course, daddy loves you. You’re my favorite. You’re my favorite person in the whole world. Always and forever.”

I started to reach out first a bit, but admittedly not enough.

You can’t do that. What is she going to do? “You don’t Listen to me. You don’t care. You don’t do anything.” He says.

maybe once a month.

 I was like, bro, once a week. Like I said, I’d say your biggest problem is you’re just too cold all the time because you could probably get away with never reaching out, but you’re just too cold when she does reach out. You make her feel like you don’t give a shit. You should be like, “Hey, I won the lottery. Look at this cute girl calling me. What’s she up to? Hey, you. What are you doing? I was thinking about you.” She’d say “Oh, yeah? Where were you thinking?” I’d be like, “I was having lots of impure thoughts. But I’m an innocent child of God, and I would never act upon them until later tonight.”

She brought it up again, and this time the conversation was more serious as leading up to it, she cancelled our plans the night before, and said she needed to talk on the weekend.

She’s doing that to see if you’re bothered by the planned cancellation. That’s her way of giving you the hairy middle finger and wanting to see if you’re even bothered by the fact she cancelled plans. “Does he not even care about me? Does he not even care if he sees me?”

She came over and we spoke about how I don’t reach out first or ask about her day unless she does so first.

Again, part of the communication of seven disciplines of love it’s in the back of the book. This is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. You probably only focused on the pickup and seduction techniques in the beginning and didn’t think the relationship stuff applied to you. Because you were getting free access to the pussy for basically about five months. Then in the last two months, you needed to understand the relationship wisdom, and you didn’t take the time to learn it. You’re basically treating your girlfriend like it’s the first couple of weeks after you met on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble or wherever it happened to be. So, the other thing, again, as soon as you see her. “Hey, babe, how was your day?” It’s just like, what do you do on the first date. You’re fascinated by this girl, and you want to know about her as a woman. Yes, you want to smash. But at the end of the day, you want to know what’s she about. You’re there because you genuinely are looking for a girl that you like being with, and you like listening to.

The way to make her feel like you care is to be inquisitive and always open her up. Make sure she’s doing most of the talking. I mean, at the end of the day women tend to say, what is it? six thousand to eight thousand words a day? And us guys only tend to say around two thousand words a day. So, women are just more expressive and they talk more. All you really need to do is prompt them with some sincere, authentic questions and ask them what’s going on, what you missed out on, just like I’ve been doing throughout the video. Talk about her trash TV. Ask, “Well, what’s going on with so and so? I saw a commercial and a promo. I’m sure you watched the latest episode. She’ll be like “Oh, I can’t wait to tell you. Oh my God, we’re going to watch it next time I see you.” I’d be like, “Oh, I can’t wait. I’m so excited. I’m not going to get any sleep until you come over, and we watch the next episode.” She’d probably say. “You don’t care about it.” I’d say “I want to see you. I don’t really care. The important thing is that I’m with you while we’re watching the episode. The episode I could take or leave it. I just like having you naked next to me. That’s pretty awesome. You look pretty hot in your birthday suit, I must admit I enjoy it, as you know.”

 So let me read that sentence again.

She came over and we spoke about how I don’t reach out first or ask about her day unless she does so first and then I rarely compliment her.

It’s okay to compliment her. “Babe, you look fucking hot in that. You know what would make you even hotter?” she’d say. “What?” I’d say. “You completely naked?” She’d say. “Is that all you ever think about sex?” I’d say. “Well with you of course, I mean, shit. Have you seen yourself naked?”

She said, maybe our communication styles are different.

 Again the reason she’s saying maybe is because she’s hoping that she’s wrong. The real issue is she feels like you don’t give a fuck.

 And that she needs time and space to think.

 It’s like, “Well, I’m going to miss you. I don’t really want any time and space away, but if you need it, if you need a Corey sabbatical for a couple of days until you miss me terribly, then I guess I’ll let you suffer through that. Just hit me up when you really miss me and you can’t take it anymore. I’m going to definitely miss you. I’m going to be sad that you’re not here and we’re going to be missing out on trash TV, obviously. I don’t know how I’m going to get along without the trash TV, but I’ll definitely miss you.”

 I said, sure thing. Sent her a small apology text saying how I know what I should be doing moving forward. She said thank you and that we will talk soon.

 So you don’t freak out. You don’t lose your composure. At the end of the day, she wants space, so let her have it and she has to break the no contact. She asked for space, give it to her because if you start chasing her, then you actually look weak. I know it’s counterintuitive. But when a woman says, I need space, I need to think, it’s like, “All right, babe, well, I’m gonna miss you. I’ll be thinking about you. Obviously impure thoughts because I’m a man. I’m a fucking dog. But that’s the way we are. And you love us.”

 Anyways, I gave her space and didn’t reach out for about four days. She reached out to me saying she was thankful I gave her time to think, and that she wants to see if things can work out between us.

“Babe. Of course, things can work out between us. Now I know where you’re coming from. I’m sorry if I was a little hardheaded and didn’t get the message the first fifty times you told me, but I got it now. And I want to see you. I miss you.” Then invite her over to make dinner.

But was also understanding if I’d thought about it more and wanted to focus on other stuff right now.

So that’s her giving you the out to break up. “Hey, if you don’t really care about me, then go find what makes you happy. And I’m going to have a broken heart.” That’s what women do. She’s trying to make it easy for you to dip if you don’t really want to be there. Because that’s the way you made her feel. Like you don’t fucking care. I seriously doubt that’s how you really care. Maybe you got complacent and lazy because we all do it.

I told her I agree with her and wanted to work things out. We set a date and it went well, but she clearly did not want to spend the night or come back to my place. And we ended the night with a kiss good night.

Well, again, she’s canceling a date and she’s upset. When she’s upset like that you need some privacy and some intimacy. This is why you say, “Well, you know what? Let’s get together. I’ll get all the food and the wine, and we’ll make a great meal together and we can really catch up. I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick. I’m sorry I’ve been cold. I got caught up in my mind at work, and you’re right. I should have called you more. I should have made more of an effort. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t give a damn about you, I didn’t care, it was not my intent. I just assumed everything was good, I got lazy. I’m sorry I took you for granted, I got complacent, it happens. I’m not perfect. But you know what? When I’m next to you, I’m close to perfect.” She’d say “That’s a line.” I’d say “It’s a good one. You know? You love that line. That’s why I always use it because you’re so gullible with it. It’s like, no, I love saying that to you because it lights you up because it’s the truth. True story baby”.

With her text being a bit more dry than usual and her birthday coming up in two days. What should I do?

 Well, you better fucking say “Happy birthday, you freak. I love you, I’m thinking about you, I miss you!” Because she’s your girlfriend. She’s not a Tinder date that you met two weeks ago. Come on, bro.

 She clearly has a wall up and doesn’t feel emotionally safe. But I just don’t know the best course of action moving forward.

So again, she came over. See what happens, if her birthday is in a couple of days then you better fucking text her. “Hey, you. Happy birthday, I love you. I’m thinking about you. Thinking about you in your birthday suit in my bed real soon, I miss you. Sorry. I’ve been a little distant. Sorry I haven’t been the greatest boyfriend lately and I let work get in the way. I got complacent, I took you for granted and that’s a really shitty thing to do. I’m so sorry, but I’m going to make it up to you and your sexy, cute little ass. I got some big plans for us to get together to celebrate your birthday. Just, you and I after you do everything with the family and all that, but I got something special for you. I planned, like, an after-birthday situation.” She’d ask, “What is it?” I’d respond “It’s none of your business. It’s a surprise. You’ll just have to find out. Now, when are you available? I want to see you.” Again, If she’s your girlfriend and you’re tight with her and her family, it’s like. “Does your family have plans for the birthday? What’s going on?” And then make plans with you and her to do something, make her feel special. Then you can do the group stuff with her family and birthday stuff for that too, because she wants to feel special and you’ve just been too much of a cold dick, and so she’s kind of unsure.

Again, if you look at the things she was saying, she’s trying to make it easy for you to break up with her and not be with her anymore, because that’s how you made her feel. You made her feel like you didn’t care. That’s a no no. That makes the legs close. What you do to get her is what you do to keep her. When you first met her, you wanted to know everything about her, and you were happy to listen. Then you got to beat up her pelvis shortly thereafter. Then somewhere along the way, you stopped asking and stopped caring.

She told you, she complained and you didn’t fucking listen! “Coach, I didn’t think she was serious. I just thought she was being emotional.” It’s like you can’t take that for granted. She’s like, “You never listen to me. I told you, I told you what I wanted.” So, at the end of the day, that’s how I’d be responding. I’d wish her happy birthday. And it’s like, “Well, I want to see you, I want to I want to do something for you and I and your birthday, obviously, I assume you probably got family things you want to do, and I’m happy to accompany you as your knight in shining armor. You’re handsome, sexy boyfriend for any family festivities. But after the family festivities on a different day that works for you and I, I’m going to make your birthday a special day for you and I.” Then you make the plans. It’s pretty simple. You got to act like you care. You can’t be a cold fish seven months later, dude.

That’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. Don’t only focus on the pickup and seduction stuff, or you’re going to have these problems, and it’s totally avoidable. It’s why you got to be a good student. Like yesterday’s Members Only Newsletter, there was a success story and a picture of the bride holding my book up in the restaurant, it was a wedding of three hundred people and the best man delivered the best speech ever, and it involved my book and what they both learned from it. He was the only friend that he gave the book to that actually listened. So the bride was pretty happy. She’s a very satisfied customer and if you’re a paying member, you can check out that video Newsletter and you’ll see the actual picture from their wedding, it looked beautiful. The bride was hot, and that Newsletter was called How To Prevent A Breakup And Attract Her Back If It Happens. The success story is at the end of the article along with the picture. It’s for members only.

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