Why Does She Want “Time Apart?”

Here is a recent email from a client. His girl dumped him unexpectedly. Things seemed to be going well for him, (so he thought), and then his girl told him she needed some time apart. Ouch! It happened to me a long time ago also. I can feel his pain. However, he may still have a chance.

My comments (are in parenthesis like this):

Hi Corey,

I was involved in a long distance relationship for three years. Things seemed to be moving forward in a positive manner. We went out dancing, going to the beach, going out to eat at nice places, and just hanging out together. This past April, I received a number of emails and letters from this woman telling me that I was a wonderful man, she was lucky to have me in her life, and she was anxious to see me. (Her interest level was 70%-80% at this point. Refer to the interest level table in my book.)

I worked over 400 hours of overtime this past year, so I could spend most of my summer in Texas, to spend time with this woman. Things went well for the first part of the summer. About a week before July the 4th, I asked her if she would settle down with me. (This was too much, way too soon. You never bring this up. The woman will bring it up when she is ready. Your job is to romance her and raise her interest level in you.) I gave her a promise ring, let her know that I would like her input on what sort of engagement ring, (Anti-challenge. This takes all of the mystery away. Women want to be swept up in a love story, not have all they mystery taken out of their future. Women are like cats. They are curious and want to discover over time. You don’t see NFL teams exchanging game plans before their games do you? Of course not), to give to her at Christmas time, (It’s your gift to her. Not, she picks it out and you pay for it. That’s not romantic at all), and with her input, pick out a time the following summer to have a June wedding in Central Texas. She seemed to be happy, and we had a wonderful night together. The next day, a number of my friends came up from Pennsylvania to visit with me for the day. We all went out to eat and listen to music in the park, and everything seemed to go well. A couple of days later, when I went over to visit, she told me that we needed to talk. She cared a lot about me, (She does, and means what she says in that moment), but had too much on her plate at the time, (You totally overwhelmed her. You did things out of sequence. You projected your high interest level onto her, and did not bother to read hers in you through her actions), and we needed to spend time apart, (i.e. “I need time to think.” You are coming off as needy and trying to tie her down). Needless to say, I did all of the wrong things, for the next month, that you mention in your book. I ordered both of your books, and started working on the no-contact rule and dating others. (That was a very good decision on your part.)

At this point, I have two other women who have told me that they love me and would like to settle down with me. (Stud! Now you are doing everything right with these two women, and their interest level has gone up accordingly.) My question is, why do I still find myself thinking about this other woman? (Because your interest level doubled when you got dumped. Human beings want what they can’t have. Your ego is bruised also.) I realize that when someone tells you that they need time apart, they are really saying they want to date others. (Not necessarily. She really just wanted you to slow down, slow your roll.) At my age, I’m 60, I have been around the block a few times. One part of me still wants to try and re-establish a relationship, and I’m finding it very difficult not to call this individual.

Tom

Here is my response:

Hi Tom,

That totally sucks! Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. In order to get her back, her interest level must still be above 51%. If it’s not, you’re toast. She knows what you wanted. Put your big plans in the fireplace and burn them. If you two are going to have big plans together in the future, she will be the one driving that train. Give her the chance to co-create them with you. You should simply walk away at this point and wait to hear from her. When you do, you reciprocate slowly. Wait to hear from her, and continue to date other women. If she calls, texts, or writes on your Facebook page, then respond slowly a day or two later. Remember, you are jetting around the country with these other women you are dating. You’ll get back to her when you get time… and… when the twins let you come up for air! Be playful, not serious. Just have a goal to make a date to see each other only if she hints or brings it up first. Talk, joke around for a few minutes, and then tell her it was nice hearing her voice again, and that you’ve got to run. You’ve got plans with a friend, (she will assume its another woman), or a meeting to run to. Let her phone call go to voice mail as well. Let her wonder. If she is thinking about you, it will raise her interest level.

Have conversations on your Facebook page with these other women you are dating. If this woman still has interest, (51% or higher), she will ask about them. If she does, playfully ask “are you trying to say that you miss me and want to see me again?” If she says yes, then offer a definite weekend and time that you will fly out to see her. Nothing long, just a quick weekend. However, don’t talk about seeing her in the future while you are there during the weekend visiting her. Only respond to her bringing it up first at this point. Make definite plans, email her a copy of your ticket so she can pick you up, and tell her you will see her then. You have to out-wait and out-wit women. Get it to the point where she does 80-90% of the pursuing. It will cause her to chase you, and if she is chasing you, she can’t be getting rid of you any more than she can sit down and stand up at the same time. It’s always better if she thinks that she likes you more than you like her.

Try it out, and let me know what happens.

Corey Wayne