Why Expecting Sex Too Soon Leads To Ghosting

Why expecting sex from women too soon leads to ghosting & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who appears to be a cherry-picker. He had a second date with a 30-year-old female nurse and ended up back at her place but they didn’t have sex. Two days later he invited her to a barbecue at his place the next day and she said she’d let him know.

She never reached out and he hasn’t contacted her since. His expectations are way too high and she saw right through them. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So in this particular email, I kind of got the feeling he’s a cherry-picker, and just because he had a second date with a 30-year-old female nurse, ended up back at her place fooling around, but they didn’t have sex because he said she was too drunk, so they just kind of spooned. So the date I guess was on a Friday. Two days later, on Sunday, he invites her for a barbecue at his place the next day, and she said she’d let him know. Then she never got back to him. So it’s been a couple of weeks, and his plan was to not reach out at all. Again, this is why it looks like he’s a cherry-picker.

So part of the problem is, is that a lot of guys think like this because us guys, we’re focused on one thing, which is getting laid. So he’s thinking, “Well, we almost had sex on the second date, and if she hadn’t been so drunk, we probably would have. So let me make the next date at my house. She’ll come over and we’ll just pick right up where we left off.” The formula is to hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed, ready to be touched, ready to be seduced, then you make your move. Use two steps forward, one step back that I mention in 3% Man, because women got to feel safe and comfortable with you in order to give it up, in essence, and you have to kind of go at their pace. Then you have to stop when they want you to stop and back up and take another run at it a little while later.

So if he’s a cherry-picker, hasn’t really read the book it looks like, because women aren’t stupid. I mean, she’s 30 years old and she’s told him that she had a party phase. She used to do cocaine and stuff like that. So it’s not her first rodeo either. Then on top of that, she’s a nurse, and nurses are like one of the top five professions where women cheat and are disloyal. That’s something to keep in mind. Again, she’s not some innocent little flower, but she knows what he’s trying to do.

When you haven’t had a woman at your house and you haven’t already had sex there, and then you just invite her over, he’s like already kind of trying to treat her like a booty call. So she can can tell the fact that he’s inviting her over for a barbecue, “Oh, he’s thinking we’re just going to have sex,” because now he’s like not even willing to go out on a date. He’s like, “I’ll just have her come over and we’ll just hook up. We’ll just pick up where we left off on the second date,” which that’s not how you do things, but it is a good email to go through because we can clean up this behavior and he can potentially get another chance, but if a woman’s interest isn’t super high in you and you do this, you’re often just going to get ghosted or blown off, or she gets turned off and she won’t even reply in the future.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

First, thanks for all the work you do. Your material has helped me sharpen my masculine frame…

So this tells me he’s in the red pill stuff.

…Attract higher-quality women, and eliminate a lot of uncertainty in dating. I’m writing because I’ve been applying your principles to a recent situation, but I’m at a point where I’m second guessing whether silence is still the best move.

Well, typically what I talk about in the book is you ask twice, she says no or “I can’t make it,” the other thing is the way he went about asking her for the second date, he offered a day instead of, “Hey, what’s your schedule like? When are you free to get together?” And if she hasn’t already been to your house and you haven’t already hooked up, I wouldn’t be inviting a woman over to your house to make dinner on the second date or third date for that matter, because when you try to make a date like that, “Oh, he wants me at his house. Oh, he’s trying to get laid,” women aren’t stupid. You’re not being clever. You’re not being mysterious. They know exactly what you’re up to.

It doesn’t mean you can’t ever do this, but this woman, clearly her interest is not as high as this guy was. If her interest was super high and they were really into each other, maybe he could have done it, but personally, I would have gone out on a third date and then later ended up back at my place.

So back to our email here.

I had a second date with a woman on Friday, May 2nd. She’s stunning, one of the most beautiful women I’ve dated. 30 years old, works as a private nurse, owns her home, is fit, feminine and seems emotionally warm. She lives a health-conscious lifestyle, drinks mushroom tonics…

I didn’t know that was a thing, mushroom tonics.

…And keeps over 40 plants at home.

What an odd thing to notice. “Hey, I counted all of her plants and there’s 40 of them.” Who does that?

She mentioned having “Lived her party years…”

So she’s probably very familiar with Chad Thundercock, Bob Thundercock and Tyrone Thundercock.

…Including past cocaine use. I’m not judging, just giving the full picture.

Well that information, the fact she has 40 plants at home, that was really important information. So thanks for the detail.

The second date went great: Strong chemistry, lots of laughter, physical playfulness. We made out like crazy several times. We ended up at her place, but was too drunk to go further (She drank way too much), so we just spooned and cuddled. The next morning, we kissed, she offered me food and coffee at her place and I drove her to pick up her car. It felt connected and comfortable.

Two days later (Sunday), I invited her to a barbecue dinner at my place the next day.

I wouldn’t have done that. Again, if you go out on a date on a Friday night and you’re already asking around for a second date on a Sunday, that’s pretty quickly. You’d want to take a little more time. Spread it out a little bit. Maybe around Tuesday, Wednesday, I would have reached out because you’re trying to go slower than she is, but when you’re that quickly trying to make the next date and then you’re inviting her right over to your house, she’s thinking, “Oh, he just wants to get my pants. That’s all he cares about,” because she’s probably done that when she was younger, and then she never hears from the guy again. So again, you’re not the first dude to try this, so you got to be a little smoother.

She answered calmly, “OK, I have an appointment at the hospital. I’ll keep you posted on how I feel after.” To which I replied…

I’m not a fan of this response either.

“…OK, if you feel like having a smooth evening you know where to find me. No pressure.”

Don’t say “No pressure,” in a text because that is like an apology. Don’t apologize for your interest.

She liked the message, and never followed up.

I mean, the fact that she didn’t reply to it or never got back to him just shows she knew what he was up to. She didn’t counter with a different day. “Oh hey, I can’t.” It’s just like “Ehh.”

So it wasn’t really a definite date with a definite day, definite time, definite place to get together. It was like, “Hey, if you got nothing else going on, it’d be great to come over for a barbecue.” So he’s kind of straying from the book because especially in the beginning, you got to be direct. You got to be decisive. You got to get to the point, make a definite date, because you basically said, “I’m going to sit at home and I’m going to wait for you to maybe accept my date.” So you accepted a maybe date which again, that’s not what the book says, but I don’t think he actually read the book. I think he’s just trying to cherry-pick videos because again, he’s got a one-track mind. He’s trying to find the quickest way to get in her pants. He doesn’t care about all the other little things.

That was Monday, May 5. I’ve made zero moves since then.

Friday, May 9, I saw her at the gym. She came to say hi, asked why I wasn’t on my project worksite. I stayed light and polite. Later during that same session, another guy approached and invited her out, she seemed receptive.

Well, if she comes by to say hi, I would have been like, “Hey you! What have you been up to? How’s work been? How’s the week been? I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” And I would have made a date on the spot, but instead, sounds like he kind of acted like a statue. Then some other dude asked her out, and then maybe he’s going out with her.

Now it’s Monday, May 12th. It’s been seven days of silence since that message, and nine days since our last date. I’ve followed your principle: Make one clear invitation, then step back and let her come to me.

It’s like, no dude. You haven’t read the book. This is not how it goes. You’re supposed to make a definite date, not say, “Hey well, I’m having a barbecue if you want to come over.” I don’t know if that means you were having a bunch of people over and you invited her, which would definitely be a mistake. No group dates until she’s in love and you’re exclusive because again, the way it sounds, it sounds like he was having a barbecue with a bunch of people over. So now he’s already inviting her over, in essence, treating her like a girlfriend. Or he may have been thinking he was going to have a barbecue just him and her.

Here’s the dilemma:

I don’t want a relationship with her, but I would like to see her again and take things further physically.

Well, you made that pretty clear by just inviting her straight to your house.

Would it be a strategic mistake to send one last playful message and try to reschedule?

Again, I say this often. Don’t try to be cute or crack jokes through text. The phone is for setting dates. That’s it. So what you should do is if you haven’t heard anything back, I mean, she did come up to you in the gym, but you didn’t ask her out. So I would definitely text her and say, “Hey you, I want to see you. What’s your schedule like?” When she tells you, you make a date and don’t invite her over to your place to make dinner together. You’re not at that point yet.

Or should I stick to the principle, assume her interest level is too low, and walk away with my frame intact?

Thanks for everything and for helping men like me navigate this with clarity and strength.

Bob

Again, I don’t know what principle you’re talking about, but you’re clearly not following the book. The book says to make definite dates. Not maybe dates, not to get sloppy. Again, if she approaches you in the gym and you act like a statue and you don’t ask her out, and then you watch some other dude ask her out, well maybe he’s beaten up her pelvis and you’re not. So if I were you, like I said, I’d reach out, ask her when she’s free, make the next date and then actually take her out and go to three different places. Follow what’s actually in the book. You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the free email newsletter.

I would say that her interest isn’t super high, and probably the reason she was so frisky is because she was drunk, and then she sobered up and you just assumed you were just going to pick up right where you left off, invite her over and then you were going to beat up her pelvis then. That was a mistake. Again, you made a maybe date. You basically told her you’re going to sit at home and and you hope that she’ll come over, and you never heard from her. So that doesn’t mean you never call her again. Just because you hung out and you tell her to reach out, it’s like he’s also kind of thinking she’s ready to do all the pursuing now, and that’s not how it works. The guy is supposed to reach out, try to set one date per week, hang out, have fun and hook up, and then what happens? Typically after you’ve had sex, usually within two to three days, a woman reaches out and then you just use that as an opportunity to set the next date. Then you’re kind of going at her pace, and as she starts to do that and she starts contacting you once or twice a week, then you don’t have to reach out anymore. So he’s kind of putting the cart before the horse. Just assumed that she was ready to do all the pursuing, and all he had to do was invite her over and they could start having sex. He even said he didn’t want a relationship with her. He just wants to fuck her. So I think he made that pretty clear.

Again, I don’t know if the barbecue was a party he was already having and he invited her on a group date which again, I wouldn’t have done that because you only do group dates when she’s in love with you and she’s your girlfriend, not when you’re trying to hook up. If it was just going to be you and her, again it’s inappropriate at that juncture to invite her to your house when she’s never been to your house because she’s 30 years old. She knows what you’re thinking. She knows you’re basically just trying to get into her pants. So that’s why she never reached out, because, you weren’t real smooth about it and her interest wasn’t super high. Now, if she thought you were extremely handsome and her interest was an eight out of 10, eight on a scale of one to 10, she probably would have come over, but her interest wasn’t high enough.

Again, I’d make one more attempt to try to get her out. Just say, “Hey you! I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” And wait to hear from her. Then if she tells you, make a date, but don’t invite her over to your place. That’s just too soon. Again, you got to read the book, dude. Stop cherry-picking. It doesn’t work. I say it all the time in videos and you guys don’t listen to me and then you wonder why you blow good opportunities, because you’re just not smooth.

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