Why fear of loss and dread create romantic.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 22-year-old viewer who has been dating a girl for about 3 months. In the beginning he played his cards right. After a few months he got sloppy and started reverting back to his old needy, clingy and controlling ways. She started to get turned off, became distant and then they didn’t talk for about 2 days.
He was jumping out of his skin with fear of loss and what will happen in the future. Then he asked for his house keys back to induce fear of loss and dread, and it had a profound impact on her attraction. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, when you hear needy, clingy and controlling, typically somebody who’s trying to control things is because they feel out of control on the inside. In other words, this guy does not have a sense of peace about himself, and so he’s driven by fear. Remember, deep down, human beings, we all have the same two primary fears: Fear that we won’t be loved and fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes.
In this case, it’s understandable that for whatever reason, whatever things happen in childhood and the meanings that he gave them, deep down, he doesn’t feel like he’s going to be loved. Eventually he’s going to be left or he’s not going to get the love that he wants. When you feel that, when you believe that, when that’s your mindset and your mental operating system, you’re going to tend to call too much text too much, force things. You’ll be impatient. You won’t wait to hear back from the girl. You’ll be impatient when our attraction is not growing as fast as yours may be. It gets frustrating and those guys get angry and they get controlling, which obviously you’ll you’ll see in this guy’s email, especially if we get towards the end.
The other thing I like about this email is that it brings up what happens when a guy doesn’t read the book 10-15 times. So it’s obvious that this dude is cherry picking things, and when somebody is cherry picking things either from the book because they just thumbed through it once or twice or from the videos, it’s like they’re looking for a copy and paste type of solution when what they really need is an understanding of the philosophy of the things that I teach in 3% Man.
That’s why you read it 10-15 times because you get to know it so well. Things come off as smooth, especially when you’re backed into a corner and pressure. Like I was doing a phone session with a guy yesterday, one of those guys thinks he’s super smart, doesn’t really need to read the book 3 or 4 times. Every time we talked about that subject, he starts rationalizing and explaining away why it doesn’t apply to him, why he doesn’t need to do it. Yet he’s out on a date where the girl that he really liked, was the first date. Then she starts asking him, “So when was your last relationship? Tell me about your last girlfriend,” and start grilling him.
He wasn’t really prepared to answer that and he didn’t really understand a playful way to respond to that. So she backed him into a corner. What happens is he gets all into his head thinking, “OK, I know this was in the book, but I can’t remember exactly what it said or what it was talking about. What’s the copy and paste answer that will just make this line of questioning stop?”
So his response basically came off as robotic and like he was being evasive with her versus if a woman brings up and wants to talk about all your ex girlfriends, you’re typically going to say, “Well gentlemen, don’t kiss and tell, but I have had a lot of great experiences and I’ve been very blessed with the women that I’ve dated. We’re on a first date tonight. Quite frankly, I don’t really want to sit here and listen to and hear.
“I’m sure there are good stories, but I don’t want to sit here and talk about every single guy you’ve ever dated, how many times you slept with each guy when your last relationship was, because I’m here to learn about you and I want to have fun. I want to have a good time, and vice versa. These kind of things maybe we can talk about in the future, but right now I just want to get to know you. So what do you love to do for fun?”
Then you just go right into asking another question, because if you know the book, you remember the best way to respond to a question, if you want to remain mysterious, especially in the beginning, is to answer a question with a question. So if you don’t know the material too well, like one of the guys I was talking to yesterday, she says, “Tell me about your last relationship. Tell me about all the women that you’ve dated and your history.” It took him aback because then he’s going, “Where did Corey’s book say about that? Oh, shit. I didn’t really read it enough.”
So he’s trying to bullshit his way through it or a copy paste answer instead of the answer coming off smooth like how I would have responded to it. He comes off as being evasive. He’s stalling. She can tell he’s in his head and his wheels are spinning. It just doesn’t look good. It makes you look like, “Oh, that does not compute. You’re not supposed to ask me about my other relationships. I didn’t pay attention to the book. I don’t have a good answer for that. What do I do? I don’t want to talk about it.” It looks bad.
Towards the end of the day, instead of her attraction going up, because she was really into him at first, it goes the opposite way. Especially when guys think they’re super smart and it doesn’t apply to them. “Oh, I went through it 2 or 3 times.” On top of that, the guy went through it 2 or 3 times several years ago before his last relationship, and now he’s getting back into the dating world and hasn’t been immersing them back in it.
So he’s going out on dates and he’s not prepared. He doesn’t really understand the philosophy. He’s trying to half ass it, take shortcuts to success and look for copy and paste answers, and so for the guys that are like, “It’s ridiculous. Nobody needs to read a book 10-15 times, Corey.” Well, it’s like when they get on a date and I listen to what they do, and plus you’ll kind of see the same thing with this guy as we get a little further into it, it’s like they’re trying to be cute and they’re trying to be copy and paste and it’s like they’re just trying to throw down the ace card. That will solve the issue, “Ha, ha. I got an ace! Don’t have to answer that.” It doesn’t work that way in the real world.
You got to be smooth. Things got to sound natural and you got to be able to transition. As the book discusses, love is playful and fun. It’s not serious. Sitting there and being grilled by a woman who wants to grill you on every relationship, every date you’ve ever had, it’s like if you don’t have a playful comeback or a way to kind of take that and steer that into another direction when it does happen to you because you don’t know the philosophy, you’ll be just like my client. You’ll fumble all over your words and she could tell that it made him uncomfortable.
Whereas if he had just taken the time to learn the material, he would have been able to swat that question away and ask a better question that would have taken the conversation in a much better, more positive direction instead of getting up in his head and being all copy and paste because his excuse to me was, “I don’t really need to read it that many times. I really understand this. I’m really good at this, Corey.” I was like, “Yeah dude, if you were so good at this, we wouldn’t be on the phone call.”
Your mistakes that you’re making are pretty obvious. Every time I pointed out one, “Hey, this is covered in the book,” he wanted to have an excuse because he’s trying to make excuses for being lazy and taking shortcuts. I mean, the reality, my job as a coach, is to get you to the point where you’re competent with the fundamentals, and things flow easily and effortlessly on your dates, and they’re not all clunky and you don’t turn into the robot, “I am a robot. I must respond the appropriate way. Copy and paste is all I can do because I can’t think for myself.” You don’t want to be that way.
Thank you for all of the amazing work you do – you have actually changed my life.
I’m 22 years old living in Melbourne.
I assume that’s the land down under or it could be Melbourne, Florida.
I have been dating a girl who is one year younger than me for about 3 months.
In the beginning, I was playing my cards right. I was a challenge. Overtime, I began to focus on her, becoming needy, clingy, and controlling.
Because he started to really care. He started to really like her. He started to become extra nice and compliant because he doesn’t want to lose her. Therefore, women can sense that. They can sense it when you go along with things that you don’t really want to do because you don’t want her to get upset or you want to be nice, or you’re hoping that she likes you.
When the women sense that you’re not really willing to stand up for yourself and what you believe in and you’re willing to jump through your butt in order to please her or tell her what she wants to hear, she’s going to back away and test. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re going to be flailing all over the place
I was at her beck and call.
I gave her the spare keys to my apartment about a month and a half ago in case I got locked out. But this was a symptom of me being insecure, fearful, and doubtful, so I tried to lock her down using this strategy.
So he’s being all serious. “Hey, here’s keys to my apartment.” Whereas that’s the kind of thing you want her to get to the point where if she’s staying over all the time, she’ll be like, “Hey, it’d be great if I get a spare key. That way you’re not leaving your door unlocked. Or I could come over and get things ready before you get home for dinner or whatever it happens to be.” The woman’s going to ask those things of you as her interest goes up.
In this case, because he’s afraid he’s going to lose her, he’s getting all serious, doing too much too soon, and it’s going to turn her off. When a woman senses that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, typically they go, “I’m confused about my feelings,” and then they back away and they become less excited.
Typically, a guy like this that’s already scared and afraid is going to freak out, fall under the illusion of action and start doing too much, talking too much, texting too much, calling too much, being too controlling, trying to spend too much time around her or doing things like, “Hey, here’s the keys to my apartment,” when they’re really not at that point where she’s feeling it.
If you’re following what the book teaches, it creates the conditions where the woman is driving the relationship, because at the end of the day, they do. They’re the ones that decide whether or not they want to be in a relationship. You can’t rush their feelings. You can’t force desire. You can’t force their attraction to go up. It happens slowly over time. The idea is, you want to go slightly slower than she is. Obviously in this case, this guy is going way faster than she is.
Last Thursday, she stayed the night after dinner. In the morning, I went off to work and asked her to stay at my place and let me know if she was going to volleyball. When I was at work, she texted me saying she left my house and was not going to volleyball. I was all goods with it.
So why is he asking to stay at his house? Because he wants her there when he gets home, because he can keep an eye on her, and that’ll make him feel better that he’s got her attention and validation. In other words, he’s a good little boyfriend, potential boyfriend. He gets his little pat on the head, and so she does the opposite of it. His neediness and his fear of loss and his fear that he’s not good enough clouds everything he does and everything he says. That’s why so much of what he does comes off as controlling.
Just like saying, “Hey, I want you to stay at my house and then we’ll go to volleyball together.” Well, it’s like maybe she had her thing she thinks she want to do. He’s not telling her to stay at the house because he really wants her there. Of course he wants her there, but the real reason why he’s telling her to do it is because he’s worried deep down she won’t go and she won’t be there. Because he doesn’t think he deserves it.
Eventually you do this enough, over enough weeks and months, women pick up on that and they back off. Then you pursue more. She doesn’t call you back right away or text you right away. You become impatient. You double, you triple text, you get all worried. She can tell you’re driven by fear.
The number one strength characteristic that women find attractive in men is confidence. When you start displaying the opposite of confidence, it’s going to turn her off.
When I went to volleyball that night, she was there! I got butt-hurt that she didn’t tell me she was coming.
Why get butt-hurt? Why wouldn’t she be there if she’s supposed to be there? Or said she’d be there? You should have the confidence that she’s going to show up. Plus, you want to see that she’s actually going to do what she says she’s going to do. In this case, she did, and he seems surprised by that.
Again, he’s communicating more fear. “I’m not worthy of you. I don’t deserve you. Oh, you’re probably going to blow me off like all the other girls have.” That’s the vibe that he’s constantly giving off. If you communicate to a woman enough that you don’t deserve her or you don’t think you deserve her and you’re not good enough for, eventually she’s going to agree with you.
She was also very cold and distant the whole time.
Yeah, because you’d been controlling and fearful and she can sense that she’s got the power and women don’t want the power in a relationship. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. It’s very obvious that this guy’s feelings are crystal clear, but how she feels about him is obviously unclear, and he’s not reacting too well to it.
I should have been happy because I didn’t get swayed by her bluff. Instead, I asked her to have a “talk” afterwards.
“Hey, can we talk after?” Love is playful and fun. It’s not serious, and the talk is more, “I need your attention and validation, Mommy. I need to know that you still like me, and I get to get a attaboy and you’re going to smack me in the head sweetly.”
I told her she needed to “communicate” with me if she was coming “because she was my girlfriend.”
“Do as I say, woman. I’m in charge here.” Come on, man!
She said she needed time alone to find herself.
A woman says that because she feels like she’s being controlled and she also feels like she’s losing her freedom. So she can’t interact with this guy naturally and normally without him getting upset because everything he takes is a slight against his ego. “Oh, she doesn’t really care about me. Oh, she must have lost interest in me. Oh, she’s not as excited to see me today as she was a couple days ago. Oh my God. What do I do?”
I recognized the signs and backed off.
Well, that’s good, but again, this is why you read the book 10-15 times, because you’re acting like a robot and things come off as clunky and unnatural.
We didn’t talk for 2 days. During this time, I really suffered a lot – I was battling with my internal fears. I realized my neediness stemmed from my fear of the possibility of never seeing someone again.
Exactly. What was I saying in the beginning of the email?
Finally, I overcame this fear and played a UNO reverse card on her, saying I wanted to get my spare apartment keys at 6pm.
“I’m going to play the Uno reverse card on you. It will get you to like me more. Copy and paste. Coach says not to do it, but I’m smarter than the coach. I’ve got Uno reverse card.”
She took ages to get back to me…
Because her interest is now really low. Again, this is all stuff that the book tells you. This is why you read it 10-15 times so you can see what’s going on here. His behavior is doing this to her. It’s turning her off and she’s gone, “It kind of turns my stomach. Not feeling so warm and fuzzy on the inside.”
…And made it difficult for me to retrieve my keys. At 6:45 p.m., she said she “didn’t see my text” (bs) and wanted to “bring the keys to me.” Her interest levels rose after 2 days of no contact and the wild card I just fucking dealt her.
“I dealt the wild card. It was a success. The simulation was a success. I don’t listen to Coach. No 10-15 times for me because I have Uno reverse card.” I get a lot of people telling me they like it when I do the robot.
I said I would go pick the keys up myself. She called me and I didn’t pick up nor call back.
“I didn’t call back. That will teach her. Copy and paste works just fine, Coach.”
When I told her to come down from her apartment, she wanted me to come up for a “10 mins conversation.” When I went up, her friend was there, and she told her friend to leave. Then she hugged me and said she thought I was breaking up with her.
Well, duh. If you gave your keys to her a couple of months ago and you’re like, “Hey, I need my keys back at 6:30 p.m. today, because I got the Uno reverse card on you. Boom, boom. That’s my ace in the hole. Who’s your daddy? No, baby.” I’m cracking myself up here. These emails I enjoy.
She was very affectionate (9/10 interest level)…
Dude, it’s like one thing happens. “She’s like back to ten. Ding, ding, ding! Hit the winner. I’m going from 5 to 10.” It doesn’t work that way, bro. You take the totality of everything. Again, you would know that if you read the book 10-15 times, which you haven’t. I don’t even know if he’s read it once. Maybe he’s cherry picked the videos or thumb through it. Didn’t say, but I can tell he’s being a robot.
…A total attitude change from last Friday. I left after 10 minutes, and she wanted to hug me. As I turned to leave, she looked at me with these puppy eyes, so I gave her a kiss and left.
Well, your job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, hang out, have fun, hook up. So you went and you got your keys. She thought you were breaking up with her. Obviously, she’s going to think something is off.
So yeah, you could see it had a bit of a positive effect on her, but what really had the positive effect was the fact that they didn’t talk for two days. Plus, if you’re asking for the keys back, just like she says, “Oh, he’s going to break up with me.” Rejection breeds obsession. So you’ve got to temporarily boost an artificial boost to her interest, but you can’t constantly do stuff like this. “I was successful. The Uno card work Corey. Don’t take away my victory. I will do it again and show you who’s boss here.”
Whatever. It’s your life. I’m just saying that you’re not smooth. Just like the guy I was talking to yesterday in my phone session. He wasn’t smooth. You might get a couple of successes here and there. You might get some attainable success, but are you going to sustain it with copy and paste and acting like a robot? Probably not, because you’re doing so many other things that are totally unattractive. It’s like you’re trying to use the ace in the hole or the Uno card, the Uno reverse card, to make a dramatic shift. Then he’s telling himself, “Her interest is all the way back to 10, coach. She’s totally in love.” I wouldn’t say that, but obviously it’s caused her to look at things differently.
The best way to be is to be following what’s in the book. Letting her come to you when she reaches out, assuming she wants to see you, you might make the next date because being needy, being clingy, and especially being controlling, eventually that shit’s going to blow up in your face and you can only cover it up for so long before a woman starts to figure out you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and you got no game. In this case, he was able to do the robot and, “It worked, so up yours, Corey, I don’t have to follow what you say. I’m more of an expert. I kissed one girl now.”
Like I said, there’s plenty of emails where we show that when you don’t know the information, things are going to go sideways long term. Hopefully this guy will listen to me and hopefully he will take the time to read and learn the book, because the copy and paste, you might get some successes here and there, but long term, the shit’s going to blow up in your face. Just like the guy I was talking to yesterday, because it got so bad, he completely ruined things and the girl blew him off and ghosted him. It is what it is. You do you boo boo.
I’m here to be a coach and an advisor. My job is to teach you the proper way to employ what’s in the book, and if you don’t want to listen, it’s whatever, that’s on you. You’ll reap that karma.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur