Why Focusing On A Relationship Prevents It From Happening

Why a man focusing on a relationship prevents one from developing.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work after getting rejected by being needy, neurotic and too focused on getting a relationship commitment. Their brief time dating was full of drama, butt-hurt feelings and acting immature. He wonders after reading 3% Man, if a relationship with her would have ever worked and asks my opinion.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So I‘ve got an email from a viewer. He’s new to my work. So all this stuff happened after he basically screwed the pooch, so to speak. So he started dating this new girl, and I think he said the third date, he was already trying to lock her down to a commitment. And when she didn’t do things he wanted or in the way he wanted them done, he would get really upset. So there was a lot of bickering, a lot of drama. Obviously, she brought some of it, but after all of this, it didn’t really go anywhere. They both kind of went their separate ways, upset with each other. Her whole family’s like, “Yeah, get rid of that guy. You should just never respond to him.“ So now he’s gone through 3% Man once and he’s obviously recognized that he made a lot of mistakes, which you’ll see in his email just by his behavior and things he was doing and saying. But he’s wondering if it would have even worked anyways if he’d had known the book just because of her behavior. So let’s go through the email.

Again, I get emails like this, this is exactly, you know, why the book is designed the way it is, to help you avoid having these things happen. Because the idea is the man is supposed to focus on dates. Hanging out, having fun, hooking up, and creating the opportunity for sex to happen. As far as a relationship and a commitment that’s feminine energy, nesting, bonding, connecting, having kids, being exclusive, going Facebook official, all that stuff is feminine energy. It’s the woman’s job when she feels ready, safe, and has the feelings, then she’ll let you know that she wants something more. The man’s job is really just to create the opportunity for sex to happen. But when a guy starts focusing on locking a girl down, especially right out of the gate, he comes off as needy, neurotic, controlling, insecure, and is going to basically just chase any girl away. If this guy behaves this way with the next girl, he’ll chase her out of his life for exactly the same reason.

You can’t just constantly get upset with a woman and lose it with her and be nasty and get in fights and cause drama all the time. Because every time you’re with her, she feels negative emotions. Whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So if you’re a delight to be around, you’re having fun, you’re making her laugh. You have a great romantic life in the bedroom. She’s going to think and you are masculine and manly. Obviously, she’s gonna think you’re the man. But when you’re getting upset like this guy is, all you’re going to do is turn her off and eventually chase her out of your life. But it is a good email to learn from, because it’s just a great example of what not to do and why the book is written the way it is to help you avoid these things. Because he’s basically acting too much like a woman.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’d really appreciate your perspective on a short but intense relationship that recently ended. I’ve read your book and recognize that I made several mistakes, particularly moving too quickly, over-pursuing after conflict, and sometimes allowing fear of losing her to influence my decisions.

Well, what you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears.

We lived around 90 minutes apart. The first six to eight weeks were extremely intense. We talked about marriage, children and potentially living together.

Again, you’re six weeks in and you’re talking about. It’s nice you. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with like what your goals are ultimately long term. But when you go out on a handful of dates with a girl and you’re already talking about moving in together, marriage, kids, it’s just too much, too soon. And it’s usually the guy bringing that up because he fears that if he doesn’t lock her down, he’s gonna lose her. Some other guy’s gonna come along. Chad Thundercock’s going to come along and rip off his potential wife. I mean, living together, too, it’s just, after maybe two or three years of dating that is acceptable under normal circumstances. But when you just meet, it’s just too much, too soon. You’re going to overwhelm a girl and she’s gonna be like, “I don’t even know you yet.”

I initiated exclusivity in week three, told her I loved her first and bought her a diamond bracelet for her birthday in week four.

Typical white knight behavior. Using expensive jewelry as a bribe for a relationship. That makes you look weak and pathetic. Because a woman should be the one trying to convince you why you shouldn’t see or date anybody else, and you should only be with her. And you guys should live happily ever after together. I mean, if you look at the old movies, like especially like, It’s A Wonderful Life, back in the 40s, 50s, early 60s, even, that’s what was always happening. The women were always trying to lock down the most eligible bachelor. That’s where the phrase comes from. It doesn’t say most eligible bachelorette, the most eligible bachelor. Now, why would people think, “oh, he’s the most eligible bachelor.” In other words, “That guy’s a high status dude.” All the girls want him, so it’s normal. At least it was in that time for women to be trying to lock down the most eligible bachelor.

Looking back, I clearly allowed the relationship to move too quickly.

You didn’t allow it to move too quickly. You tried to make it move too quickly.

There was also an early push-pull incident. During flirtatious texting, she hinted that she might send me a revealing picture, then sent a joke screenshot saying, “Made you look.” She subsequently went quiet for three days.

So he probably got upset at that. So that’s just her kind of dangling the carrot and recognizing that she could basically make him lose his shit. He probably got a little upset, like, “Where’s my picture?”

When I checked whether everything was OK…

“Is everything OK? I haven’t heard from you in three days.” Under normal circumstances, you’re following the book, you’re going to initiate contact once per week to make one date. Now, once she starts reaching out to you every couple of days, then you just use those as opportunities to make the next date.

…She said she wanted something serious and felt our communication had become too flirtatious. We spoke on the phone, she immediately softened, and she still came to stay that weekend. I think the uncertainty made me more eager to secure the relationship.

Yeah, because in other words, what happened was mom and dad didn’t give you enough hugs and I love you’s as a kid, so you grew up like I did. Desperate for attention and affection that you never got. You wanted to be loved by people who made you feel like they didn’t love you. So when you start dating a woman and they make you feel the same way, what are you going to do? You’re going to try to force things. You’re going to call too much, you’re going to text too much. You’re going to try to use logic and reason on why she should agree to be in a relationship when she’s not feeling it yet. The more you chase, and the more you pursue, the more you’ll chase her out of your life.

Women need time and space away from the guy to wonder about them, and to think about them and to miss them, and for her feelings to grow. And if you’re constantly calling and texting because mom and dad didn’t give you enough strokes as a kid, you’re going to turn every single woman off for exactly the same reason. Women love confidence above all else in men. That’s the number one male strength characteristic that turns them on. And when you’re constantly desperate and needy for a commitment, that’s the exact opposite of confidence. That’s why it is extremely repulsive to women. Even if the woman says that’s what she wants, she’ll still go, “Ah! Something’s missing. There’s no chemistry. There’s no spark. You’re a great guy, but it’s not you. It’s me.”

Our first major conflict involved discussions about sexual history. She had repeatedly shared explicit details about former partners, despite me saying I would rather not hear them.

So if you’re dating a woman and you’re sleeping with her and she wants to talk about everybody else she had sex with, she’s either doing that, comparing you to them, or trying to hint that she wants you to do some of the things that they used to do to her. Or it could also be signs that she’s just a hoe. And if you’ve told her, “I don’t want to hear about all your sexual history and what you’ve done.” Unless it’s something where she’s saying, “This guy used to do this and I really liked it. It’d be great if you could do that.” But if she’s just constantly bringing it up because she’s a hoe-bag, then that’s going to be a turn off. If you tell her to stop and she keeps doing it. Is that somebody you really should be thinking about getting into a relationship with? Having kids, moving in together, all that stuff. It’s just no way you should be in the vetting process this early on. You don’t know whether she’s a good person or not. You don’t know whether she’s selective or she’s a town bicycle. She’s like a doorknob, everybody gets their turn.

After sex one evening, she compared something about our experience with what previous men had done.

So again, maybe she’s trying to tell you what she likes or wants you to do. If you get butt-hurt and upset about it, you’re going to miss the message.

I became visibly triggered and told her I had ended relationships over similar issues in the past. She became highly anxious, and the conversation ended with me comforting and reassuring her.

I don’t know what she was saying, but.

A few weeks later, during a romantic weekend away, she repeatedly asked me an intimate question about my own sexual history.

Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. It’s like, “Look, I want to talk about you and me. I don’t care about other boyfriends or dudes you used to date. Unless you’re telling me something that they used to do that you want me to do, that’s fine, but I don’t need to hear all the gory details. I’m not looking for you to relay a romance novel on all the ways you liked Chad Thundercock beating up your pelvis. I don’t want to hear about it, so knock it off. It’s disgusting and repulsive. The more you talk about it, the more I think you’re some kind of deviant.” It’s like, “Hello!” I want a woman that’s selective and doesn’t just share herself with anybody. She wants to share her soul first before she shares her body.

When I pointed out that she had already asked several times and I had chosen not to answer, she became extremely anxious. The discussion escalated, she began packing her bags, and I found myself defending myself and trying to calm the situation.

It also looks like he’s just kind of constantly stepping in it and saying things that are inappropriate. Remember, like attracts like. People that like the same things, tend to like each other. If you’re a needy and neurotic guy, guess what? You’re going to also attract a needy and neurotic woman. The difference is, most women just are better at hiding it. They have better game than the guy does. So it’s not until later that they find out, “Yeah, she really was a little nutty.”

She eventually stayed, but I was emotionally shut down the next day. She then said she wanted to go home. I agreed that it might be best, and she left, slamming the door. When I called, she insisted that we resolve things immediately or the relationship would be over.

So it’s just constant threats.

I asked for some time and space, so she hung up and blocked me.

That’s nice. Yeah, I’d say she’s probably just as immature as he is.

I contacted her the next evening hoping to reconcile. She said her head was telling her one thing and her heart another, and that her sister had advised her never to contact me again.

So now he’s already pissed off the family and the sister is working against you. That’s just not helpful, but you will find out that when you date enough girls, there are girls that tell their family and their friends everything, and anytime there’s one little hiccup, they’re going to probably have an opinion.

I responded that her head and heart needed to be aligned for the relationship to work.

It does take two to tango.

We had what seemed like an amicable breakup, but over the following days we repeatedly reconnected, argued and attempted to repair things. She had also involved sharing our conflict with her family, who had advised not to contact me.

Yeah, when she told her family all the crazy things you were doing, they’re like, “Ah, I don’t think so.”

During those conversations, she strongly criticized my emotional availability and even referenced my relationship with my boss as evidence of a wider pattern.

So maybe he’s got a contentious relationship with his boss. So I would have to say he’s definitely emotionally hijacked. In this case, this particular issue, what would really help is doing the Consciousness Exercises three times a week. They’re on the home page of my YouTube channel. If you just scroll down to the bottom Stages 1 through 12 are demonstrated by Doctor D’Anna. I highly recommend you do those three times a week if you are one of those guys that tends to get emotionally hijacked and freak out over things. And if you can afford it, go to Winter Park, Florida, fly in, go get Airbnb or hotel near his office and let him work you over for a couple of weeks. Go in twice a day every day that he’s open, you can get like around seven and treatments per week. And then when you go back after two weeks of that, you’re going to feel different. You will be less inclined to freak out about little things like this.

So I highly recommend that you do that. Or you could always go to www.BeSimplyWell.com, send an email to his office or call his office and ask for a recommendation of a doctor who is level three certified that lives near you, because there’s not a lot of really great ones and most people are going to have to travel, but it is worth the money, especially when you’ve got a problem like this where you’re emotionally hijacked.

I initially became defensive.

Later, I made a deliberate effort simply to listen, but the conversation still felt more accusatory than loving. She told me I sounded like a different person, yet continued speaking as though she was halfway in and halfway out.

Women are not a light switch, dude. You don’t just automatically go from not being together to being totally in love with you and living happily ever after. It’s a process. It’s a gradual curve of her interest going up and her interest started to go up, and then your behavior caused it go down. Then it went up a little bit, then it went down, then up and down. You’re expecting her to go from being repulsed and not wanting to date you, to being in love and wanting to have your baby. It doesn’t work that way. Again, women are not light switches. They’re more of like a dimmer switch. You slowly dim it, slowly brighten it.

I suggested that we take some space and that she let me know whether she still wanted me to visit. Twenty minutes later, she ended the relationship by text because she “still didn’t feel right.”

Remember, women only care about how they feel about you. That’s what’s most important.

I accepted it calmly. Three days later, however, the resentment from absorbing her criticism surfaced, and I called her to give her my side before blocking her.

That’s just so immature. You are emotionally hijacked. You are an emotional Jack-In-The-Box, dude.

The next day, I regretted allowing everything to happen over the phone and drove to see her.

I mean, this is just kind of nutty behavior. “Screw you. I’m blocking you.” Then the next day, “I’m driving to see her, Coach.” Come on, man! This is not normal. This is the kind of shit you see in movies and TV shows or soap operas. I think there are a couple of the, “Days Of Our Lives,” “General Hospital.” I don’t know if that one’s still on anymore.

She was very happy to see me, and we reconciled, although I felt she continued to place nearly all responsibility for the conflict on me.

Yeah, maybe. Probably at least, probably most of it was on you because you’re the one freaking out all the time.

About a week later, another disagreement developed at her flat. She interpreted a fairly mild response from me as an attempt to start a fight. I went for a walk, returned calmly and thought we had resolved it. Before bed, she raised another contentious topic.

Well, if a woman is successful at trolling you and getting you upset, guess what? They’re going to do it more. That’s just what they do. So when she knows you get triggered over something, she’s going to keep bringing it up until it doesn’t bother you anymore. Until you handle it appropriately.

When I suggested sleeping and l discussing it later, she continued pushing. Once I began expressing my side, she told me to leave at midnight. I left, then called ten minutes later. She said I could return only if I was “nice.” I returned, held her and tried to settle things. She was anxious, repeatedly kissing me and saying she loved me, while I felt emotionally shut down.

Yeah, this is just not normal behavior. This is not how human beings should be interacting. This is a totally dysfunctional, immature relationship.

Afterward, our communication became sparse and transactional. I chose not to chase or fill the silence. After approximately a week without meaningful contact, I asked, “Are we over from your perspective?”

I would never have said something like that.

She said she believed ending things was best. I replied, “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”

A week later, I received a missed call from her. I asked the following day whether she had intended to call. She did not respond. Two days later, I sent a brief message.

So now it’s like triple contacting, double and triple texting. You wait for her to call or text you back, like tennis.

Two days later, I sent a brief message saying I hoped she was OK. There has now been around 30 days of no-contact, and I have seen that she has returned to dating apps.

I‘d put a fork in it, bro. This is done.

I recognize my own mistakes: moving far too quickly, trying to reassure her through emotional escalations, contacting her after breakups, driving to see her after being blocked and becoming defensive when I felt criticized. However, I also felt increasingly conditioned to manage her anxiety.

Well you also were acting anxious, dude.

Accept one-sided criticism and prove myself whenever she packed her bags, blocked me, asked me to leave or threatened the relationship. Was there a centered, masculine way to repair this dynamic, or should I have walked away permanently after the first major breakup and blocking incident?

Well, if you’d have had the book, and known it and practiced it, you ideally would have behaved differently and more aligned with what was in the book, and these issues probably wouldn’t have revealed themselves until a few weeks in. But if you are dating, you start dating a woman like this and you’ve got your shit together, she’d have been acting just like you. So that’s the way life is, like attracts like. You attracted a woman who is very similar to you. You just were a little more needy, insecure, and neurotic than she was. She had better game. She was better at hiding it than you were, probably just because she dated and slept with more men than you had dated and slept with women. So it’s as simple as that.

So let’s go back. He had three questions in the beginning that I skipped over that I want to go back to, because normally people do the questions at the end of the email.

My central questions are:

1. Number one, was this primarily a case of me failing to follow the principles?

Correct.

Or was the relationship dynamic itself unhealthy?

That’s correct. It was totally unhealthy and dysfunctional.

2. Did I handle the final breakup and no-contact correctly?

Yeah, but it’s not going to really work anyways, because if you really apply what’s in the book, and you read it 10 to 15 times and you start going out and having normal dates with women who are begging you to spend more time with them. Who want you to be their boyfriend. A lot of this shit’s not going to happen. It’d just be a non-issue. But with her, I mean, you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. It’s pretty simple. So at this point, there really should be no-contact, if I was you. Because if you grow and you get this stuff handled and then say six months from now, you talk to her, you go out with her, you’re going to be calm and chill and she’s going to be freaking out over something. And you’re going to be like, “Man, I made the right decision by not going back to that chick.”

3. What should I have done differently once the repeated breakup threats, blocking and bag-packing began?

Thank you, Coach.

Bob

I would have let her go. Women have to know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. If she says, “I’m packing my bags.” “I can help you if you’d like. Would you like me to help you pack?” Because again, she’s got to treat you nice. Easy-going, easy to get along with, she’s got to be nice to you, and this girl was not that. I mean, you both acted like fruit loops, but your behavior can be corrected if you learn and apply the book. Because if you showed up and you started dating a girl like this, she‘d been freaking out, causing problems, threatening you, and you’d have been like, “Ah, I don’t think we’re compatible. You’re a cute girl, and I enjoyed our time together, but we’re just not compatible. I wish you all the best.” And you would have dipped on out. But when you don’t have abundance and you don’t understand what’s in the book, you’ll keep trying to make things like this work. And I just don’t see that this would have ever worked with her. Unless, of course, she was willing to work on her behavior, which doesn’t appear that she was, because she’s going to her family and they’re validating everything. Probably because her family, they all act like a bunch of lunatics anyways, so it’s just she was better at hiding it. She had better game. Because again, she’s a girl. Girls start practicing this stuff when they’re little girls, and so by the time they get to be an adult, they understand how to manipulate men with their charm.

So again, to answer your question, there’s really nothing you could have done. The good news is it led you to my work, and now you’ve got the book. If you’re new here and you haven’t read it, you can read my book for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. You can also read Mastering Yourself for free there and my first quotes book is free to read there in the Members Area of the website. You get to try before you buy. Because if you apply what’s in my books, you’re going to get better results than you were getting on your own. Again, that’s why I let people read them for free. Then once you see that it works, then you can go buy a digital copy, an audio-book, a hardcover, that kind of thing.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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