Why Focusing On Your Interest In Her Instead Of Her Interest In You Leads To Rejection

How to avoid rejection & heartbreak by focusing on her interest in you instead of your interest in her.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped after 2 months of dating and hooking up with a woman he had known for a few years, but was married. When she became single she reached out and they started dating. She locked him down to a commitment after only 3 dates. Then he became dopey, needy and neurotic and only focused on his interest in her while ignoring her dropping interest in him. She asked for space and dumped him for pressuring her. Now he’s in No Contact and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Why Focusing On Your Interest In Her Instead Of Her Interest In You Leads To Rejection.”

So this particular email is from a viewer he’s 39 and divorced for five years, and he’s also a single dad. And so just in some of the activities he did with his kids, he met a woman who also had some kids, and they kind of became friendly. But she was married, so obviously nothing was going on there. But I guess after a year or so of them knowing each other, she became single and actually reached out to him.

So they started dating and hanging out, having fun, hooking up. She asked him to be exclusive after only three dates, which obviously is kind of a red flag, but they did know each other for a while. But when a woman locks you down after three dates, usually she’s a little insecure. However, the problem is this guy became dopey. He became drunk on his interest. He became needy. He became neurotic.

He became upset when she was unavailable to see him. And after two months she said, “I need space.” And then she broke it off with him. And so now he’s obviously devastated, didn’t see this coming. And he’s new to my work and is wondering, “Is there a chance he’s going to get get her back or not?” And this is the experience that a lot of men have, is things start off hot and heavy.

They may even get into a relationship, but due to their neediness and their insecurity and displaying a lot of unattractive behavior, they quickly turn these women off to the point where they dry them up and they no longer want to be with these guys. They just don’t feel safe with them. Because the women end up acting more masculine than the dudes do. So it’s just a bad way to go.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I was vaguely familiar with you until a painful dumping by one of those rare women. I have since read your book 4 times and will keep up the work to ensure it is ingrained. I am 39 and divorced 5 years. I co-parent my amazing son half-time. I have generally done very well with women but I keep it casual, having only one other relationship since my divorce. I now realize my indifference breaks down when I feel that very rare connection.

Yeah, so what happens when you start dating a girl you really like everything goes out the window and you change who you are. You become too nice. You become soft. You become compliant. You’re too afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want. You’re too afraid to tell the girl, “No.” You start letting her jerk you around. At first, it starts in little ways, and then it becomes in big ways. You basically just act like a big fucking Pussy. And women want you to be more masculine than they are, and they don’t want to teach you how to be a man.

In short, this girl was my kryptonite, but I didn’t know about your work. We knew each other previously as friends due to our kids (both boys), but she was still with her kid’s dad. There was always a connection but we were respectful and platonic. A year later she reached out explaining they had broken up 4 months prior. She had very high interest.

So she starts off chasing and pursuing him and at that point, if a woman like this gets freed up, there’s really no reason to reach out to her, to call her or to text her or anything. You let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. But he didn’t know any better. So as his interest went up, he started acting more girly and effeminate and emotional and started pursuing her.

And then what happened was she started calling and texting less. She became less available. He got upset. He pursued more until he got the dreaded, “Hey, I’m not feeling the spark. I’m not feeling the chemistry. You’re a great guy, but.”

First date was amazing and we had passionate sex that night (not rare for me). She was a bit jealous about the many girls I was dating and after 2-3 dates she asked to be exclusive.

I would have probably made her wait. I was like, “Well, we just started dating and you just got out of a relationship. I’ve been divorced for five years. I’ve had one serious relationship since then. So I think you’re great and we have a solid foundation because we’ve known each other for a couple years. But other than that, I don’t really know you. And after only two dates, three dates, it’s a bit much. So I want to take my time.”

And in that way, she’s got to earn you. If she continues to chase, she continues to pursue, and she’ll actually become more aggressive and work harder to be on our best behavior to get you to agree to be her boyfriend. But as soon as that happened, he caved and the power just goes whoop! And it completely flips the other way. And he doesn’t know what happened.

I agreed. I was a little concerned that her single-parent life/custody was not yet stabilized. She also communicated her anxious attachment and asked for lots of reassurance to feel secure.

Well, that’s all nice and well and good and everything, but it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And if a girl asks you to constantly be texting her and reassuring her that you care and you like her and you comply with that, you’re going to actually chase her out of your life. It’s okay for her to become unsure of where she stands with you, because then that’s when she reaches out.

And if she’s like, “Oh, I miss you. I haven’t heard from you. It kind of feels like you don’t care.” It’s like, “Oh, babe, I’m sorry you feel that way. It wasn’t my intent. But I miss you too. I want to see you get your cute little ass over here. Let’s make dinner together tonight or whatever.” And make a date. If she feels upset and feels like you don’t care, just reassure her and make the next date.

Create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. That’s the man’s job in a courtship. It’s to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. Not to lock a girl down or get into a relationship or be all up in your feelings.

Hence, I texted more than I usually would. We texted every day.

The phones are for setting dates, but obviously he didn’t know that at the time.

Mostly initiated by her, but communication was around 70/30 or 60/40. I now know better.

So he was doing more of the pursuing than he should have.

We had very exciting romantic dates, but also got serious about our commitment too soon.

Well, you got to serious about it. You got all wrapped up in your fantasy of who you wanted her to be, and then ignored the fact she just wasn’t as into it as you were. It’s always better if a woman thinks she likes you more than you like her in the very beginning. The appearance was that he had lots of other women he was hooking up with.

She reached out to him, expressed her interest. They hooked up on the first night, and she was so worried about other women that she locked him down after only 2 or 3 dates. But once he agreed, then his behavior changed. Then he made her the leader. Then he was seeking her attention and validation and basically started acting like a girl.

She met some family, we had our kids together, met friends, etc.

Again. That should have been happening after two, three, four months, not after a couple of weeks of dating. It’s just too much, too soon. It takes time for a woman to fall in love.

Other mistakes I made after feeling too secure included hard-launching her on Social Media.

In other words, putting her as his significant other on Facebook and other places before she did shows he’s way more into her than she’s into him. The only way I would do something like that is if you’ve been with the girl for a while and she gets upset. But other than that, me personally, I don’t post anything on Social Media. You guys know if you look at my Social Media, it’s just strictly business. That’s all I use it for.

I don’t use it for anything else. I like to keep my personal life private. This is what I do for a living. And once the camera is off, that’s it. I like to be just a regular person. I don’t even like when people come up to me and want to tell me how much they appreciate my work or whatever, because a lot of times people are just kind of obnoxious about it.

Or people are walking by, they see me with family or friends or whatever, or eating lunch or dinner, and they yell my name across a busy restaurant or whatever. Or in a crowd of people, is just fucking obnoxious. I would rather just not even get noticed. I would just want to be invisible. I’m just a regular dude. I don’t like the attention. I prefer to not get attention. So.

And accidentally saying “The L Word” first.

So he said he was in love before she did because again, he was only focused on his interest and was ignoring the fact that she wasn’t as into him.

We had an amazing 2 months but were moving fast. I was intoxicated. I was not focusing enough on where she really was. Things began to go sideways after returning from a weekend trip together. I could feel her distance. I tried to initiate getting together a few times but things kept conflicting.

So that tells me at this point he’s doing all the pursuing. So under normal circumstances, I mean, you go away for a weekend, especially when it’s kind of new and she’s all over you on Friday, and then by Sunday night when she leaves, or Monday morning after she leaves and your trip is over, it almost seems like she’s kind of bored and excited to be going back to her place and doing her own thing. And when that happens, that’s why you just let her be. You don’t call, you don’t text, you don’t do anything.

You just notice that it looks like the kitty cat got a little bit bored. You spent a lot of time together, and so she obviously needs the gift of missing you. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. But he noticed that she was distant. He didn’t understand that women are like cats and this is normal behavior. And it freaked him out. So he started pursuing, trying to fix things. That’s what I call The Illusion Of Action.

I tried to initiate getting together a few times but things kept conflicting. I expressed a disappointed emoji in one text, I know. She then asked for space and she felt I was pressuring and acting upset when we couldn’t get together.

Yeah, you got butthurt. It’s not attractive. It’s not masculine.

I gave her the space. She kept communicating about life issues facing her and I just responded with care. After 10 days of space I asked to know where we stood. I know impatience.

Well, at the end of the day, when a woman says, she needs space, but then she contacts you the next day, well, she obviously got space. Then you should just say, “Hey. Why don’t you come over? Let’s make dinner together.” And if she says, “Oh, I need space.” I was like, “Okay, we’ll take space and get back to me when you miss me terribly.” Oh, but I wanted to talk to you.”

“Well, you said you needed space, so take the space or let’s get together if you want to talk.” And if she won’t get together, then just say, “Well, you need some more space, so I’m going to run. I’ll talk to you later. Call me when you miss me and want to see me.”

A few days later I got the breakup text claiming she was “not feeling the romantic connection”. I accepted it immediately and went strict No Contact for 2 weeks now. With my new knowledge, I am very frustrated and although I have plenty of great female dating options, I am left wishing I could have done it right with this one.

Well, what happened, happened and it couldn’t have happened any other way if you didn’t get burned by somebody you liked and you cared about, you would have never been interested in reading My Book. Like you said, you’ve known about me for a while, but you didn’t take it seriously. And even if somebody gave you My Book, you wouldn’t have even opened it to read it. You’re like, “Yeah, I’m good.”

But now that you’re in pain because you got rejected, now you’re finally open to go, “You know what? I need to really listen to what that shaved head bastard on YouTube has to say, and follow along with it and change my approach.” So pain is life’s change agent. It’s life’s way of telling you that your approach is suboptimal and you need to change something. So you’re now ready, willing, able, and open to learn these things.

Not necessarily because you’re going to get back together with her, but because you need to fix this behavior. Because the next time a girl comes along that you really like, if you don’t fill in your knowledge gap and you don’t change your approach and tighten up your game, the next girl will reject you for exactly the same reason as this one did. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll continue to get what you’ve always got. And you’re clearly not happy with it.

What chances do you think I have of this girl coming back to see the wiser me?

Flip a coin? It could go either way. There might be other guys in the picture. Maybe she got back together with the baby daddy. As you said, you don’t really know. You have to assume when a woman’s right out of a breakup, especially with the baby daddy, her your emotions are going to be all over the ice, all over the place. She may or may not come back. She may go back to her ex. So you just have to let it be. No Contact means No Contact. You walked away from the negotiating table because she was offering blue balls and friendship. And so therefore you went No Contact.

If she changes her mind, she’ll reach out. If she reaches out and is like, “Heyyy.” I’d be like, “Hey, you. I’d love to see you. Let’s make some plans to get together to make dinner at my place. What’s your schedule like?” “Oh, I gotta get a babysitter. I gotta do this. I’m not sure, but I just want to see how you are.” It’s like, “Well, I’m doing great, but I’m kind of tied up right now. Check your schedule and get back to me. And let me know when you’re available to get together to make dinner at my place.” Just follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That’s all you can do at this point. Will she come back? Flip a coin?

I am left wishing I could have done it right with this one. What chances do you think I have of this girl coming back to see the wiser me? Should I even want it?

Well, we don’t know. We don’t know her well enough.

Because I doubt it can ever be as good after her losing attraction/respect.

Bob

Well, again. That’s your belief. That’s your story. That’s what you made up to cope with this in case she doesn’t come back. But at the end of the day, it takes time for a woman to fall in love. It takes time for a woman to fall out of love. So I don’t think she was ever in love with you. She was in a lot of like. But you’re unattractive. Behavior completely turned her off. So she reaches back out, assume her interest crept back up. Create an opportunity for sex to happen at your place.

Make sure she comes to your place for the first three dates when she comes back. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, you can meet her out and pick her up after that, but you got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting, and pursuing. None of this bullshit where you’re going to reach out and, “oh, you got to tell her how much you care” because of her attachment issues. It’s like, that’s all nice and well and good. But at the end of the day, if you communicate that you’re way more into a girl than she’s into you, she’s going to get turned off.

You talked and you texted and you chased her out of your life. And so when she comes back, she needs to find an attractive version of you that is consistent with what’s in The Book. Because you tried it your way and you got rejected. Keep doing what you’ve always done. You will continue to get what you’ve always got.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.