Why group dates are a bad idea, and how women use them to block romance from guys they aren’t interested in.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a thirty-four year old recently divorced viewer who is new to my work. He started talking to a woman who is part of his peer group through social media. They were going to meet up for the first time with their mutual friends, but the friends bailed out at the last minute. He tried to keep the date one on one, then all of a sudden she became busy, but suggested they meet at the next group outing. He asks if this is a grey area for group dates he should agree to.
He asks if this is a grey area for group dates he should agree to. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s obviously ignoring the fact that she’s not making it easy, despite all their mutual friends. Granted, they’ve never met yet, but there’s a total lack of enthusiasm of seeing him or spending time around him. And so, what a lot of guys do is they get hooked or interested in one particular woman, and they just ignore that she’s not making it easy to get to know her.
This brings up a lot of other things when it comes to group dates, especially if it’s somebody that you just started dating, maybe been out on two, three dates and then she suggests that you come meet her friends or hang out with all of her friends. There’s a lot of reasons why those are the kinds of things you do with a girlfriend or a wife, but not somebody that, like in this case, this guy is trying to meet her for the first time. Or what oftentimes happens is you’re maybe a few dates in, and then you go on a group date. And what you’ll notice is the woman’s behavior is completely different when her friends are around her, versus when it’s just the two of you.
The important thing to understand is there could be a guy in the group who has his eye on that same girl that you do. And then, since he’s maybe better friends or knows everybody better, he’s going to create problems for you and try to make you look bad, talk bad about you behind your back, say things that potentially aren’t true, that make other people view you poorly. And so, it’s just a bad way to go.
If you’re trying to seduce somebody, it’s different when you’re in a relationship. But when you just met and you’re trying to get to them, maybe you haven’t even seduced them yet, there’s a lot of women that will invite the guy to hang out with their friends, because she’s looking for the seal of approval from her friends. And so, she’s not really attached one way or another with this guy.
Then he agrees to the group date, and you’ve got one of her girlfriends like, “I don’t like him.” So, it just ruins his chances with her, especially if the interest is lower. Now, if her interest is super high, you can typically get away with it. But I’ve done so many emails over the years, and 99% of the time, it’s just a bad way to go and you end up cock-blocking yourself totally unnecessarily.
The idea is you want the cheat codes to life, and that’s what my books How To Be A 3% Man, Mastering Yourself, and also Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations do, which you can all read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. It gives you the cheat codes to make things easier. Because when you do things like this particular guy is doing, things get a lot harder. Why try to run a race and then purposely tie your shoelaces together and make it more difficult? And that’s what a lot of guys do.
Hey Coach Corey,
New follower, returning to the dating scene. I’m a 34 year old guy with a successful professional career. Divorced early this year, didn’t realize until afterwards how far off path I was with my personal growth. Now I’m taking the time to right the ship. I used to be a “player” in my 20s and enjoyed it until I met my now ex. In hindsight, we entered the relationship with an unhealthy approach, (infatuation is a bitch), and stayed together longer than we should have.
Well, most people tend to do that. They tend to stay in relationships that don’t serve them and they know they should leave, but they’re afraid to be single, afraid to be alone, afraid to wait until the next great love of their life comes along. And worse, they worry that it might never happen again, they might not ever find anybody better. But if you do nothing, it’ll probably never happen.
What’s worse is staying in a mediocre relationship, and then somebody comes along who you click with and you connect with, who really likes you and you like them, but now you’re unavailable. That’s a bad way to go, too.
I had something like that happen when I was younger. It was one of those moments where I was like, “I never felt that way about the person I’m with.” I had to find out what it was like. I had to know what it was like to be with somebody that I felt that way about, and who felt that way about me, and who we just clicked with on a spiritual level. Why go through life and never know what that’s like? That was my attitude towards it. And I’m glad I did.
I never did figure out how to transition from “just having fun” to “let’s be serious” in a way that leads to a healthy, lasting relationship. I know enough to recognize and capitalize on initial attraction from my earlier days. The problem for me is maintaining attraction over time to let things develop emotionally.
I found your material 3 weeks ago. Just finished the first reading of your first book, (shame on me for waiting 2 weeks to get it), and I’ve delved into countless hours of video coaching.
Well, the videos are not a substitute for the book. The videos are actually based on what’s taught in the book. Guys get themselves in all kinds of trouble and unnecessary problems because, “Oh, it’s just easier to watch a video than read a book or listen to an audio book.” They’re thinking, “I just need one or two great pickup lines or phrases or sentences, and it’ll just magically fix everything.” It doesn’t work that way.
There are two women where first dates went amazing and got physical with petting/kissing. After both first dates, I over-pursued assuming (incorrectly) that I could sustain attraction with daily playful texts in between dates and ended up as texting buddies who couldn’t get them to commit to dates anymore.
Yeah, you communicated that you had no game. You weren’t direct, you weren’t decisive, you weren’t getting to the point, and you basically bored them to death and texted them out of liking you.
The phone is for setting dates. Because when you’re trying to get to know somebody, it’s like, there’s no mystery. They learn everything about you in text. What’s the point of going out on a date? They like the attention and validation while they go out and sleep a Chad Thundercock.
Their attraction had dropped to what I now identify as a 5 at the time I discovered your material. I opted for no-contact before letting any more chance to right the wrongs slip away. I’m noticing signs they’re still interested based on social media activity, (“liking” my posts).
So, when women do that, like in this case, they won’t make dates and then he just stops texting them. And so, what happens is a few weeks go by, now he’s completely disappeared, and then she starts to wonder, “What happened to that guy?” Women like mystery. They like guys that are mysterious. Cats are very curious. When you’re around all the time, and they’re bored of you, and they’re not really that amused, and then you just disappear, they’re like “What happened to that guy?”
And so, that’s typically what happens. I wrote about this in “How To Be A 3% Man.” They start liking your social media posts and then they start commenting on the posts. And if they comment, but it’s not directed at you, then I would just ignore it. Because you were texting before, so you don’t want to be interacting with them on social media. It’s kind of like the way somebody goes and they dip their toe in the water to see if it’s too cold or not. And then they run away from the shoreline, because they don’t want to get wet when the waves come rolling in.
Again, if somebody else has your attention and you’re dating them, you’re not going to care about some girl that basically gave you blue balls a few months back and would never make dates with you who’s liking your Facebook posts. She can be one of your fans, as far as you’re concerned. That should be your attitude. And so, when nothing happens, they tend to become a little bolder where they’ll actually send you a direct message. Then, I would try to set a date in that case.
Just glad to have come across your material before ruining all chances. Only time will tell if/when they reach back out.
This guy sounds like a real player, doesn’t he, back in the day?
With a third woman, I came across her on Facebook through mutual acquaintances. After waiting a couple months to “bump” into her, I got impatient and threw a Hail Mary friend request, (after discovering your material, shame on me). To my surprise, she accepted. We struck up a playful convo that ended with me getting her number to “text me later if you want!”
I would have texted her and said, “Hey, let’s chat on the phone. I heard good things about you.” Call her up, “Hey, tell me about yourself. Do you know so-and-so?” You have all of these mutual friends and acquaintances, and I would have turned that into a phone call and said, “Hey, let’s meet up for a drink.”
Our acquaintances usually meet on Wednesdays for trivia at a local tavern. I suggested meeting there, and she seemed excited. But after learning later they weren’t going to be there this particular week, I suggested going out for a bowling date downtown instead. She was now “too busy” with no counter-offer and “maybe we’ll bump into each other soon?!!” I replied with, “Some other time then! Maybe we’ll catch each other before too long!” and she ended the convo with a polite reply. Should I set something up with her through a small group gathering?
No, I wouldn’t. Do her responses sound like somebody that’s really excited to see you and meet you? Or does it look like a lonely chick who just enjoys the fact that she’s got some guy giving her attention and validation? In other words, it’s like a little kitty cat playing with a ball of yarn.
You want to go out on a date, not just be her plaything or her amusement until she finds somebody she really likes. Because what you’re looking for is you want somebody that’s like, “Oh, I’d love go out. I heard good things about you too,” or whatever. You want enthusiasm for going out. You have a lot of mutual friends in common. I don’t know how much you chit-chatted, but after texting a little bit, you should have called her up. You should have said, “Hey, let’s chat on the phone,” and see how it went. Because if the conversation doesn’t flow on the phone, there’s no reason to meet in person.
Or try once more next week to be direct about a date and then let Jesus take the wheel?
Well, the thing you’re ignoring is that she’s throwing roadblocks up. When women like you, they make it easy to go out on a date with them, and when they don’t, this is what happens. They throw roadblocks in your way to make it difficult. So, if she was really excited about meeting him, she would have said, “You know what, let’s go ahead and do bowling.” But instead, she’s like, “Oh, I’m busy.” Does that sound like somebody that’s excited to see you? I would think not.
I haven’t been able to internalize your material enough to navigate what seems (to me) to be a gray area with regards to group dates.
I wouldn’t call her or text her again for any reason. If she happens to be there at trivia night, because apparently he’s been going, but she hasn’t ever been there, and so he reached out to her. So, the bottom line is there’s just a total lack of enthusiasm here. So, why be excited about somebody who’s not excited about you? That’s important. You want somebody that wants to be with you as well.
Guys that didn’t get enough strokes as a kid, didn’t get enough hugs or enough “I love yous” or “attaboys” will continue to interact with women who behave this way, versus somebody who’s excited to hang out. It’s like your best friends, when you get in touch with them, they’re typically going to be excited to hear from you and excited to get to get together. The same thing with women that like you. They’re going to be excited to make plans, they’re going to be flexible, they’re going to be available, and you’ll have a good time with them.
You want to spend your time on dates with women that really like you and really make the effort, and I don’t see any effort with her. So, the way I would look at this is like, “Eh, she’s not that interested. Hey, if I ever happen to run into her at one of these trivia nights, great. And if not, whatever. Maybe I’ll meet somebody else.”
So, you shoot your shot. You did, and she basically shot you down. If you look at her actions, her actions communicate that her interest was nonexistent. But she appreciates the attention, and she likes having you as a fan, because obviously she wants more fans. But you don’t want to be her fan, you want to beat up her pelvis.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Group dates are never a good idea with someone you just met and started dating because people simply do not act natural when they are worried about what others will think, especially those who are close to them. Women use group dates as a way to keep men in friend zone who they have no romantic interest in, but they enjoy the attention and validation they get from them. Group dates are fine with girlfriends and wives, but not when you are trying to get to know someone you just met. Otherwise, you open yourself up to being sabotaged by other men who have interest in the same woman or friends of hers who simply don’t like you. The process of seduction is to get closer and closer to a woman until eventually you end up inside of her. Other people simply get in the way.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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