Why guys who focus on a relationship and locking a woman down typically don’t get one.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a lazy viewer who is not following instructions and is cherry picking information from videos. He hasn’t read 3% Man, and is confused as to why the woman he’s been dating for 4 months still wants to play the field and date other men. She’s very active on the dating app Hinge and he doesn’t understand why.
He’s totally focused on a relationship and locking her down. He’s even starting to display some controlling behavior which has triggered unpleasant memories of her ex boyfriend who she felt she wasted 6 years of her prime single years with. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular guy, he’s one of those dudes who’s lazy, who thinks he’s going to figure everything out by cherry picking from my videos. So he hasn’t taken the time to read 3% Man. He’s making a lot of unnecessary mistakes here, and his whole mindset is completely wrong. It’s just kind of funny how after about a month of dating, he’s like, “I was prepping everything for the relationship talk,” but if he’s been watching my videos, he should know by now that the guy should not be focused on that.
As I talk about in 3% Man, the man’s job in the courtship is to just simply create the next opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun, to hook up. The overwhelming majority of guys that are trying to date women and trying to lock them down into a relationship, they’re all going way faster than the women are. So they’re more into the women than women are into them. Women don’t care about what a great dude you are, what a great boyfriend you can be or a potential husband. They only care about how they feel about you and all of these cases, because I used to make the same stupid mistakes when I didn’t know any better.
What do you see on TV? What do you see in the movies? “You better put a ring on it. Better lock her down, or some dude’s going to come along and steal her away from you if you don’t hurry up. Get to the marriage altar, or else you’re going to lose her. Somebody’s going to take her from you.”
So this whole mindset that has been taught to generations of guys, when you go back in time and you go and you look at like older movies, especially the black and white movies, and one of the favorite ones I like to bring up a lot is It’s A Wonderful Life, which was made in 1946, so that’s a long time ago. When you compare how the men and women behaved in that movie versus what you see today, the women of today are acting like men and the men are acting like women. So the sexual polarity is completely the opposite.
What you’ll notice in It’s A Wonderful Life, is Mary, the female lead character played by Donna Reed, has had a crush on Jimmy Stewart’s character, who plays George Bailey, since they were kids. She always dreamed of being Mrs. George Bailey and having babies that looked like George Bailey. The movie is this beautiful love story of how she’s always trying to get his attention. Obviously, whenever they’re together, he lights up as well, but he’s got plans to get out of Bedford Falls, which is a small town that they live in. Go to the big city, see the world, travel the world, become a man of business, become a world traveler. He’s not interested in settling down in a white picket fence and staying at the small town that he grew up in.
Over the course of the love story evolving, everything Mary is doing is to get the two of them together. The women in the neighborhood obviously are conspiring as well to try to get the two of them together, because when they’re together, there’s obviously sparks between them.
The whole point being, the mindset is he’s not wanting anything to do with settling down, a marriage, a relationship and a family and all that, because he’s got other plans for his life, but Donna Reed’s character wants to nest and have a family, buy that old rundown house at that cul-de-sac that’s been abandoned for years, fix it up, fill it full of their children, their family, their friends and have a wonderful life together. So you read an email like this where the guy is basically taking on the woman’s role. Even though he’s watching my videos, he’s cherry picking things without realizing it. This is why I say you got to read the book 10-15 times to understand the philosophy.
So he’s doing, saying things and he’s giving off the vibe that basically is causing him to act like a woman. It’s getting in the way of the girl he’s dating wanting to be exclusive with him. Also, there are some things that may be concerning, but you can tell he’s already decided he wants her in a relationship and she’s still on the Hinge dating app very active and meeting other guys.
If you take a step back and you look at the actions, he’s trying to lock her down and she’s trying to gain her freedom, if you will. She’s even telling him where she’s at, but it’s like he’s just totally focused on locking her down to a commitment, even though he’s doing the exact opposite of what I teach. So he shouldn’t be surprised that it’s not going well for him.
You don’t want to do what this guy is doing, because this will cause you to chase women right out of your life. These are women that already like you that are into dating you. The other thing is, he’s starting to be a little bit controlling about what she does, where she goes, who she’s with, because again, he’s all focused on locking her down and getting her to pay attention to him and do what he wants, instead of seeing himself as the prize in the catch and the guy who’s got to be won over, like George Bailey’s character got won over by Mary in It’s A Wonderful Life.
I’ve been watching your videos for quite some time now, and I am in a similar situation as your “Why She’s Not Ready For A Relationship” video. I’m 30 and I’ve been dating this 27-year-old woman for about 4 months. Objectively, I would say things have progressed rather quickly. Just to summarize, we had sex by date 3…
Well, as the book says, most women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. That’s if you’re doing what’s in the book.
…And pretty much every time we’ve ever hung out besides one time when she was on day 1 of her period. Like 3-5 sessions at night. We usually hang out 2-3 times a week and I sleep over.
Notice what he says now. Again, this is the total opposite, and I say, don’t do this. There’s a reason, because this is feminine energy. This is the woman’s department. He’s acting like a chick here that’s thinking about starting a family and completely ignoring the fact that this girl isn’t even anywhere close to where he is. He’s focused on his high interest and her and he’s totally ignoring that her interest is not that high in him.
His whole mindset is, how do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I get her to commit to me? How do I get her to choose me? This is not the mindset of a high value guy. That’s the mindset of a loser. That’s the mindset of a guy that can’t get a date. That’s the mindset of the guy that can’t get any women to want to stay with him more than a few weeks or a few months, so it’s not a winning mindset.
What happens is you give off the vibe and you start making the girl feel like she’s being smothered. As Thich Nhat Hanh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So when a guy becomes needy and clingy and he over pursues, the woman starts to feel like she’s losing her freedom and she’s going to back off.
In this case, what he’s literally doing is he’s causing her to not feel feelings of attraction, but he’s actually causing her to lose interest. As their feelings start to dissipate, she’s trying to find a man that makes her feelings grow to the point where she wants to be in a relationship. You can’t negotiate desire or interest.
Women take time to fall in love, and they typically take way longer to fall in love than us guys do. Probably as soon as this guy had sex with this girl, he’s like right away, “Oh, this is the wife, This is the girl I want as my girlfriend,” without really paying attention to vetting her properly.
So he’s already chosen her. In other words, for her, she’s already won the race, but for him, he’s barely got out of the starting gate in her eyes and she’s still seeing what else is out there. This just cracks me up that this guy writes that he’s been following my videos and he writes this paragraph. It’s like, come on, dude. That’s the opposite of everything that you’re learning from me.
At around the 3-month mark, I started prepping the conversation to establish expectations for what each of us want in the relationship.
What it really is, that “I’m trying to lock her down.” He doesn’t care what she wants. He cares about what he wants, and he’s ignoring the fact that she’s not there yet. You have to let women come to you at their pace. You cannot force yourself into their life.
The reason I did this was because I noticed her Hinge account was still active, (although I didn’t bring this up directly) and I wanted to get a better understanding of her mindset while also starting to establish boundaries…
She’s not your girlfriend bro.
…Vetting her for a potential long-term relationship.
As the book says, which you obviously have not read, a man’s job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, not to get her to commit to a long term relationship. That is her job. Your mindset, your actions, your vibe, everything you’re giving off is the opposite of what you need to be doing in order to be successful. That’s why you’re four months into this and this girl seems like she’s getting more active on Hinge because you’re obviously chasing her out of your life.
His whole mindset is he thinks he’s in a relationship. Bro, you’re not in a relationship. You’re just hooking up with this girl. That’s it. You’re just casually dating. All relationships start as casual dating and hooking up.
Early in the relationship, she stated that she only sleeps with one guy at a time, so I found her being so active on Hinge to be a little odd.
Well, she only sleeps with one guy at a time because quite frankly, unless you’re having a threesome, that’s kind of impossible to sleep with multiple guys at once. So in her mind, because women tend to live moment by moment, whereas a guy thinks if she’s sleeping with him, obviously he’s not sleeping with anybody else at this point, then he assumes she’s doing the same thing.
The fact that she’s active on Hinge instead of looking at that and going, “OK well, it’s obvious I’m not that important to her. I’m not that big of a priority. Therefore, let me match and mirror the lack of priority I am in her life to my life as well.”
In other words, she’s going to drop down on the totem pole, if you will. She’s going to go to the back of the line. On your practice squad, she’s going to be one of those players that are now in the bubble, meaning they’re barely on the practice squad and they’re further away from making the team. More likely to get released from the practice squad.
She asked me what I wanted from the relationship…
You’re not in a relationship dude. You’re just dating. That’s it. You’re dating and you’re hooking up. You’re casually dating. That’s it.
…And I kept it vague saying I was having a fun time and looking forward to seeing where it progresses.
Well, you’re saying that, but your words, your actions and your deeds communicate you want to lock her down. Part of the problem is that you’re saying one thing and your body language and your tone of your voice is communicating the opposite. So you’re not being congruent. This is the kind of thing that causes a woman to not trust your masculine core.
She said something similar and then asked me about red flags, so I mentioned that if she wanted me to take the relationship seriously, she’d have to be more communicative when she goes out partying with friends.
In other words, “I want to know what you’re doing, where you’re going and who you’re doing it with.” Again he’s thinking, “This is my girlfriend and she’s supposed to do these things that I want.” If a woman falls in love with you, if you’re applying what’s in the book, typically week 6 or 7, she’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish. Quite frankly, she’s going to be wanting sex more than you and she’s going to be wanting to spend more time with you than you want to spend with her. You’ve got this whole thing twisted and you’re completely upside down here from a leverage perspective.
She initially thought my request was controlling…
Well, it’s because it was. It’s obvious you feel out of control in this “relationship” that you think that you’re in, so you’re trying to force things. You’re trying to force yourself into her life. She’s not ready to be in a relationship, so now you’re trying to control what she does when she’s not with you and where she goes as if she’s supposed to report to you like you’re the prison warden or something. It’s absurd dude. It’s totally out of place and it’s not appropriate.
…But I pivoted the conversation to highlight her being out to 3 or 4 a.m. in the morning wouldn’t be conducive to a strong relationship, which she finally agreed to.
The way I would phrase it, if she’s talking about these things, if you’re the prize, you’re the catch and you’re the one that she’s trying to lock down, you would be saying things along the lines of, “Well, if you’re wanting to be in a relationship with me or you’re trying to convince me why I should become your boyfriend or agree to it, but yet you’re going out every weekend and you’re staying out until 3 or 4 a.m. Friday, Saturday night or several days a week,” I look at that and I go, “Well, she’s obviously having fun. Probably a party girl, not really that serious about a relationship. She just seems to be all about having a good time.”
When you see a woman behaving that way, you’d be like, “Well, I’m not really looking to have a girlfriend that wants to go clubbing every night till 3 or 4 a.m.,” and then she can choose to start doing more things with you instead of being out all night, instead of you saying, “I need to know where you’re going, who you’re doing it with, where you’re at. You need to text me when you get home.”
You just see the vibe and the mindset, because she’s not freely choosing to be with him. Because he’s so impatient, he’s not letting her come to him. Now he’s trying to control her life and force her to do the things he wants because he’s only focused on his interest, and he’s totally ignoring that she’s just not in the same place that he is.
Fast forward another month, and things have continued to progress. She has definitely begun to adapt her lifestyle to mine (promising to stop vaping, going out less with friends, cooking for me, etc…)
So there’s a whole other list of things he’s wanting her to do and impose. Now he’s telling her she’s got to stop vaping, she’s got to spend less time with their friends and more time with him. You can’t negotiate a woman’s feelings for you dude. That is not going to work. It’s going to blow up in your face and you’re going to chase her out of your life.
The sex has continued to be great. I’ve kept things fun and light, and we go on amazing dates at least once per week and I sleep over anywhere from 2-3 times per week.
Well, does she ever stay at your house? Again, because he’s trying to force himself into her life. He’s going to her house so he can make sure he knows what’s going on and where she’s at, instead of letting her come to him stay at his house. It just shows the controlling nature of how he’s showing up here.
However, this past weekend I slept over at her place and after we had sex, she reengaged the, “What are we?” talk I had started a month prior. Earlier that week, I had been on a vacation out of the country, so I surprised her with a bouquet of flowers with a note, which she seemed to really enjoy.
You only give flowers to your wife or your girlfriend, not a girl you’re just casually dating. Again, if you read the book, you would know these things, but you’re cherry picking. You’re missing a lot of things that are causing you to look very unattractive. That’s why if you’d have been like my best students that read the book 10-15 times, she’d have been in love by week 6 or 7. Now here you are, four months into it, and you’re having a hard time getting her to pay attention to you.
To my surprise however, during the talk, she stated that I’ve been doing everything right for us to be official…
Again, she knows you’re being a great guy and everything, but it doesn’t fucking matter. The only thing that matters is her feelings and how she feels about you. That’s what you’re continually ignoring because you’re projecting your high interest onto her and you’re totally ignoring that she’s not feeling it. You can’t negotiate this. You can’t talk her into loving you.
…But that she’s not ready for a relationship. Then she sort of went into a monologue.
First, she said that she didn’t expect to meet such a great guy while she was in her “single phase.”
It all sounds nice, but at the end of the day, what is she telling you? “I want to stay single. I want to continue to play the field. I want to see what’s out there, because you’re not stimulating my emotions enough.” That’s basically what she’s communicating.
She said she was starting to really like me a lot and had cancelled on her friends a few times in order to hang out with me.
Yeah, but at the end of the day, you’re four months in and she’s not head-over-heels in love with you, because you’ve been doing the opposite of what the book teaches. You’re delaying her falling in love and you’re delaying her becoming strongly, emotionally bonded to you.
She also felt that our lives were becoming really integrated to where it feels like we’re living together.
Yeah, because you’re probably constantly imposing yourself on her and staying over when she’s not really invited you to, but she doesn’t really say anything, because it seems like you’re always going to her place and always staying in her house because again, you’re trying to control the situation where you go to her. Therefore, if you create the conditions where she’s supposed to come to you, then that puts some doubt in your mind, she may cancel, she may say, “Hey, I’m going home.” This way, if you’re at her house, she’s got to basically ask you to leave. Women are typically not going to do that, unless you’re making them feel really uncomfortable.
So you’re not staying at her house because she’s excited to have you there. You’re only staying there because you kind of imposed on her. That’s basically what you’re doing. You’re imposing yourself, your presence and your will onto her. She likes you and that’s why she’s allowing you to get away with it, but you’re cheating yourself. You’re preventing her from falling in love with you, because you’re totally focused on her attention and validation and acting like the chick in the relationship.
She then got on to the topic of her ex-boyfriend. They’ve been broken up for a year, but they dated for 6 years prior to that. She mentioned that he gaslit her a lot and was controlling…
The fact that she’s telling you about the ex that was controlling, what she’s trying to say is, “The reason I’m bringing this guy up is to let you know that you’re making me feel the same way he did, and it’s unattractive and controlling.”
…And she feels she wasted a lot of her “prime years” with him where she didn’t get to experience the single life and doing what she wants to do.
Again, she spent six years with this guy and he controlled every aspect of her life. She’s not in a relationship with this dude that wrote the email, yet he’s expecting to know where she’s at, what she’s doing, who she’s with, when she’s going to be home, telling her, “You shouldn’t be vaping. You shouldn’t be doing this. You shouldn’t be doing that,” like he’s in charge of her. She hasn’t chosen you to be her boyfriend yet dude.
Then she said a lot of triggering/red flag words. She called our relationship a “situationship” and then said that she doesn’t know what she wants right now…
This is so predictable.
…And that she is “emotionally unavailable” and “broken.”
Well, that’s not good to hear that. When a girl says she’s broken, when she says she’s screwed up or, “Hey, I screw up all my relationships,” you should believe that. So there’s some definite red flags.
This is why you don’t go goo-goo ga-ga over a girl just because you’re sleeping with her and be trying to lock her down, while ignoring the fact that she’s very active on Hinge. In other words, she keeps telling you she wants to sleep with many other guys because she missed out on that because of her controlling ex-boyfriend.
She’s telling you about controlling ex-boyfriend because you’re trying to control her in some of the same ways. If the whole idea is that she’s got to be the one to choose you, you should not be focused on any of this stuff.
To this, I initially said that maybe it’s best if I give her space to figure out what she wants.
Again, because he’s trying to pressure her to a commitment and he’s ignoring the fact that she’s not feeling it. You can’t negotiate desire. You can’t talk a woman into loving you. It just doesn’t work that way.
When I said this, she grabbed me super tight so I couldn’t get out of bed. Then, I asked if she was happy with where we are, and she said, “Yes, I am happy with you,” so then I told her that we should just focus on that and live in the moment. We don’t need to worry about labels like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”
Even though you’re totally obsessing over it constantly. Your actions say one thing, and your words are the exact opposite.
I slept over…
In other words, “I imposed myself on her once again.”
…And we had sex again in the morning and we made plans to hang out again the next Wednesday. However, once again, I noticed that she’s been super active on Hinge the past two days and she hasn’t texted or called me at all.
Because you’re over pursuing and you’re smothering this girl. You’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. At this point, she should be doing 95-100% of the pursuing, but more than likely, you’re probably doing most of that too.
I haven’t reached out either, since I was planning on giving her some space anyways.
As the book says, you go back to the once a week date rule if you don’t hear from her for a whole week.
I just wanted your opinion on if you think it’s worth my time to continue dating her.
Well, you should be casually dating her the way you claim you’re dating her, but the reality is you’re trying to get her to commit to a relationship because you’re focused on that and you’re not really paying attention to these potential red flags. You don’t know what you don’t know about this girl. It’s obvious from her actions that you’re really not as important to her as she is to you, so you should be matching and mirroring that.
I feel like I’m in a prisoner’s dilemma where the obvious choice is to “spin plates…”
Well, that’s probably part of your other problem, is you’ve been listening to a bunch of dunces in the Red Pill community, and these guys don’t understand this. They don’t understand how attraction works. It’s just black and white, “Oh, she’s a modern woman. Therefore, they’re all screwed up. I don’t have to do anything. It’s not my fault she’s not attracted to me, and I’m turning her off. It’s because she’s a modern woman and it’s feminism, and that’s a cop out.”
These guys all have the same similar problems. They can’t read a woman’s interest. They don’t know how to communicate with women. Quite frankly, they don’t really like women and they’re nasty to them, and women don’t like them either.
…And date other women while she figures her stuff out, but I sort of view that as a time waster since I am the type of guy that prefers to date one woman at a time.
Dude, this girl is all over Hinge. She’s probably sleeping with several other guys. You’ve got her on a pedestal, kissing her ass and treating her like a celebrity, and she’s just not feeling the same thing dude. You got to let women come to you at their pace. You’re doing the opposite of what I teach. That’s why you’re spinning your wheels and getting nowhere.
At the same time however, being in this state of limbo is weighing on me. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. Positively, I’m having regular sex with a very attractive woman, while I can still go out and date other people.
That’s exactly what you should be doing. You should be trying to get the best girl that you can get. All she’s telling you is that, “Hey, you’re not a priority to me. I’m getting my pelvis beat up by Chad Thunder Cock every week when I’m not with you.”
However, a part of me just wants to be in an exclusive relationship with her. How would you approach this situation? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
I’d be backing off completely, number one. You’ve got to read the book. You’ve got to follow the instructions. Or you can continue to chase your tail like a lot of the Red Pill dunces do and get nowhere. It’s not working for you, this approach that you’re taking.
You’re not seeing reality as it is. You’re seeing it as better than it is, and that’s creating problems for you. So you told her you’re going to give her space. You haven’t heard from her in a couple of days, because this is probably one of the first times you’ve actually backed off instead of smothering her. You may not hear from her for a week or a week and a half. What’s happening is you’re pursuing too much and you’re not giving her enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you and to miss you.
You’ve got to read the book and you got to learn the fundamentals. There’s no shortcuts to success. If you don’t understand how attraction works, which it’s obvious that you don’t, all this other crap content that you’re consuming on the internet is not helping you. It’s causing you to continue justifying and displaying a whole hell of a lot of really unattractive behavior, but because of the stuff you’re consuming, it justifies your approach and you’re not changing it and you’re not seeing the fact that you’re literally chasing this girl out of your life.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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