Why Is My Girlfriend Talking About Her Ex-Boyfriend So Much Lately?

Some reasons why your girlfriend starts talking about her ex-boyfriend frequently.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for a few years, but only is on his 5th read of 3% Man. He’s paying the price because he became dopey and all his friends say he’s changed. He’s obviously turning her off and now all of the sudden she is frequently bringing up her ex-boyfriend in conversation. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be why is, “Why Is My Girlfriend Talking About Her Ex-Boyfriend So Much Lately?”

Well, if you’ve been in a relationship with somebody and I think this guy has been with this girl for eight months, if I’m not mistaken. Six months maybe, I guess. And so if you’ve been dating somebody for a while and like in this case, he met her about a month after she had broken up with her ex-boyfriend. And so things progressed quite well. But he’s been following me for several years, and he’s just now getting on to the fifth read of The Book after things have basically started to go sideways with this girl. And because it’s clear he got a little dopey and a little lovestruck.

And this is why I tell you guys, I mean, the title of The Book is, “Winning the Heart of the Woman of Your Dreams.” Right? “How To Be A 3% Man. Winning the Heart of the Woman of Your Dreams.” Not, “How to be with a mediocre girl.” And the reality is, most guys, when they get with a really beautiful woman, they fucking can’t handle it. They completely come apart. And so even this guy’s friends are like, “Dude, you’ve changed. You’re completely different.” And so he kind of realizes and recognizes that he’s been making mistakes. He’s acting dopey because he really likes this girl.

And then when you start acting like you’re unworthy and you’re doing unattractive things, the girl gets turned off. And then what happens? She starts talking about the ex-boyfriend. And so it’s not a good sign, but it’s not the kind of thing to get butthurt. If you’ve been dating somebody for like five, six, seven, eight months, and you’re exclusive. And then she starts bringing up her ex-boyfriend a lot. You know, like, in this case, her family’s asking her about him and stuff like that. And then she’s telling you, because, you know, as the late, Great Doc Love used to say, “Women don’t lie and men don’t listen.”

And so women aren’t going to come out and say, “Hey, I’m talking to my ex-boyfriend again and thinking about fucking him again.” They’re not going to say anything like that. They’re going to be like, “Oh, my family’s been asking about my ex-boyfriend all the time. Why do you think they’re doing that? It’s like, oh, I still think about them sometimes. You know, I’m kind of hurt. I’m still not completely over it.” So when you hear stuff like that. And she hadn’t been bringing it up before, what that means is her interest is dropping. And she’s basically saying, my feelings are starting to grow for my ex.

So it’s full disclosure on her part, but she’s giving you a perspective that’s not going to hurt your feelings or alarm you hope, but she’s telling you in case something does happen. Then she can say, “Oh, it just kind of happened. Or, hey, I realized that I’m not over my ex. And, you know, I just I can’t do this anymore. I’m not ready to be in a relationship with anybody else. I need to be single for a while and take time to heal.” And then, you know, she’ll bounce right back to the ex, which is what usually happens if this guy doesn’t clean his act up and start taking reading The Book seriously and filling in his knowledge gap.

Because this is where when you’re dating a woman like this, that makes you feel this way this is where knowing The Book backwards and forwards really comes in. Because when you really care and you really like the girl and she’s the hottest thing you’ve ever been with, and you got something to lose, you’re afraid to lose her. Because in your life this has never happened before. You’ve never been with your dream woman. And every guy, myself included. If you read The Book, you know the first time you’re with somebody like that, all your fears, your doubts, your insecurities, they come to the forefront.

And what are our two primary fears as human beings? Fear that we’re not enough. In other words, we don’t have what it takes. Or, the fear that we won’t be loved. And when you come from a place of fear, it typically causes you to act needy, neurotic, desperate, to seek her approval, constantly trying to find out where you stand with her, constantly trying to find out, “Does she like me as much as she did Saturday? Because it seems like she’s not as into me as she was.”

You start second guessing yourself. You call too much, you text too much, you act needy, you act a little soft. You’re trying not to upset her. And she picks up on that and starts to back away. And then the guy starts to chase when she backs away. And then it just becomes like a flat spin in a plane. He just spirals out of control until you crash and burn.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

My name is Bob, been following your work for a few years now. I’ve read the book 4 times and I’m on my 5th read, I already know what you’re going to tell me which is why I’ve been reading it a lot more, haha.

Well, you guys don’t take me seriously. I’m trying to get you to learn this. I mean, it’s free if you go to UnderstandingRelationships.com and just Subscribe to the email newsletter, The Book will open up right in your web browser and you can Read it for Free. But you know, if you’ve never dated a woman that knocks your socks off, and if you’re not prepared, because it’s really hard, because we make our decisions based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify those decisions.

If you don’t have a good grasp of The Book and then you’re totally full of fear, you’re going to second guess yourself and you’re going to do and say a lot of really unattractive things that you typically aren’t going to do if you’re just dating a chick that you kind of have mediocre interest in. Because if you’re not that into her, you’re going to pretty much do everything right. But when you really care and you really like her and you’re Goo Goo Gaga over her, it’s really hard to have tight game and you just need enough time with the woman, because you’re going to have to lean on things mentally that are from The Book, even though inside you feel like you’re going to jump out of your skin.

And over time, when you see the patterns that are in The Book, that this girl keeps coming back like a cat, even when you spend a lot of time together. And then a few days later, it almost seems like she’s bored of you and not super excited. It’s not the end of the world, that’s just the way it is. A woman’s feelings kind of ebb and flow like the weather, so you can’t take it personally. It’s just how they are. Especially when it’s that time of the month, when it’s around the time they start having their period, before or after. Some women get really moody and really freaky about that, and then guys misinterpret it as, “Oh, she doesn’t like me anymore.

I got to fix that.” So they start calling too much, they text too much. “Is everything okay? We need to talk. You seem distant.” And they get upset and they get bothered and they get butthurt, which turns the woman off and then drives her away even more so she engages even less. Her text gets shorter, she uses less emojis. She doesn’t text you as often. It takes her longer to reply to your messages. And then when that happens, the guy just goes into like a death spiral in the relationship, and then he’ll talk and text and chase the girl right out of his life, instead of letting her come to him at her pace and being calm and relaxed because masculinity is calm and relaxed.

Anyways, my girlfriend, she is very big on spreading God and she even helped me get closer to God. She has shown me a new level of love that I haven’t seen from someone in a while, and it feels great. I think it felt so good to the point where I started getting pussy whipped.

Yep. And when you get pussy whipped, you start acting dopey and soft, and then you let the girl push you around, treat you like a doormat. She starts kind of disrespecting you, and then you don’t stand up to her and put her in her place, which makes her treat you like a doormat even more. She becomes bitchier because you’re acting weak and soft. She starts jerking you around because she doesn’t respect you anymore. And women can not love a man that they don’t respect.

I would skip school with her just to have sex because it was the only time we could and just spend time together.

So now he’s kind of getting off his path from his purpose and his mission. He’s blowing class off so he can go get some pussy, which, hey, occasionally, if that’s what you got to do, that’s what you got to do. But if you’re doing it all the time, to the point where your grades start suffering, that’s not good. That’s a man who is uncentered and undisciplined, and you’re allowing her to cause you to be undisciplined. And so when she wants you to get together, “you’re like, babe, I can’t. I missed too many classes. I’d love to see you. We can get together later, but I can’t.” It’s like you got to sometimes say no.

Which would turn her on even more. But when she gets you just to completely uproot your life and not spend time with your friends, not go to class in this case, or you blow off work, or you call in sick and then you lose your job, or you get written up at your job. Those are signs of a man who is undisciplined, and a woman likes it when you’re attracted to her and you’re taken by her beauty. But it can’t be to the point where you start skipping class and blowing work off and not taking care of yourself and doing the things that you have to do. Women like guys that are disciplined.

Because it turns a woman on when you resist the urge to blow off class or blow off work or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, blow off your friends at the last minute to go hang with her. Like, say you got plans to hang out with the boys on Friday night or your parents. And she’s like, “oh, I haven’t seen you in a couple of days. I miss you so much.” And he’s like, “okay, I’ll cancel dinner with my parents. All right, I won’t go out with my friends.” And then they go and they hang out with their girlfriend and they’re like, she was a total bitch to me. He was like, what is that? I was like, because you blew your parents off. You blew your friends off.

She got you to change your plans and disrespect people that were important to you, just so you could spend time with her because you didn’t have the balls to say no. “I’d love to see you, but I just can’t. This is my parents. I got to go.” But guys do that. And then when the girl sees that you’re doing shit like that, it’s a turnoff. Also, things like changing your opinion to match hers because you’re worried about her approval, worried about her liking you when she picks up on that. Women want a guy that will tell them how it is that will be authentic and real, and not blow sunshine up their asses.

I started getting complacent and it wasn’t a good look. All my friends were telling me I’ve changed, and I didn’t want to see it because I thought I had it all under control.

Control is an illusion, my friend. Pride cometh before the fall. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

I just realized they were right; I got complacent and told her we need to fix the trajectory of our relationship.

It’s not “a we”. It’s “you”. Because you’re not acting normal and attractive. You’re acting like a dopey little boy that just got his first taste of pussy.

The reason I write to you is because my girlfriend says lately, she’s been thinking about her ex that she had an 11 month relationship with.

Again. What she’s basically saying is her attraction for her ex is going up, and her attraction for you is going down, because if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to be bringing up the ex all the time. But it’s like full disclosure on her part. What she’s basically doing is she’s verbalizing her feelings. She’s feeling attraction for her ex. That’s why she brings him up. You can’t get butthurt. You can’t get diminished. You got to look at it and go, I mean, he’s already kind of realizing it.

And your friends have pointed it out. “Bro, you’ve changed. You’re not the same guy.” We’ve all known people like this when we were younger. They get a girl in high school, a girlfriend, or you’re in college. Your buddy that’s always with you, always down to hang out. As soon as he gets a girl, boom. He just disappears. Doesn’t return your calls. Doesn’t want to hang out. He’s always busy. Or if you make plans with them, he cancels to go hang out with a girl. And then the next thing you know, six months later, the girl is cheating on him because she doesn’t respect him.

Because he’s such a pussy. And now he’s single again and he’s like, “Hey, what are we doing this week?” And I was like, “what do you mean, what are we doing? I haven’t talked to your ass in four months. You’ve been so fucking pussy whipped. You blew us all off.” “Oh, well, you know, I was busy. I got to be a good boyfriend.” I was like, “yeah, how’d that work out? She fucking cheated on you anyways because you’re such a pussy”, so you can’t do those things. Women cannot love men they don’t respect. And if you act like a doormat and you let her jerk you around, that’s on you to fix. Not to say, “we’ve got to fix the trajectory of our relationship.”

I met her about a month after they broke up in October.

So that would have been October of 2024. And so now we’re into February. So that would mean November, so, and they got into a relationship in December. So we had November, December, January. So that’s about four months he’s been dating her. A little bit less than I thought. So the ex has 11 months with her and we don’t know whether he dumped her or she dumped him. But you know the guy had 11 months, you got four months. And on top of that, you’ve been acting so unattractive to the point where now she’s starting to miss her ex.

That’s what’s going on. You can’t freak out about it and get upset and get jealous. You have to take it as just data and realize, you know, “I’ve been acting like a fucking bitch. Even my friends are telling me I’m acting like a bitch. And she doesn’t respect me to the point now where she’s talking about her ex-boyfriend, who she had a bad breakup with. As if, oh, I can’t stop thinking about him.” Well, that’s not good. That means she’s not thinking about you as much as she used to. If you ever saw the old TV series, what was it? The 50s, 60s. “Lost In Space.” Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. Sure. Don’t do it, man.

We got into a relationship in December and everything was great until yesterday she told me that.

Yeah, dude, everything has not been great. Even your friends are like, “Bro, you’ve changed.” And I know what they’re saying. It’s like I had lots of friends that were like this when I was younger, because we’re all inexperienced back then. And they get a girlfriend. They don’t want to upset her because they’re so into her. They’re worried about her approval. They’re worried about her not liking them anymore. So they say yes to everything, even when they don’t want to do it. And then they realize the guy is just a big fucking pussy, and then they start jerking around, and then sometimes they cheat on them.

And I had one friend in particular, his high school girlfriend, who was absolutely gorgeous, cool chick, good friend of ours, all of ours when we were in college. But she fucked his best friend when they were in high school because he was a fucking pussy. And so they were friends for years after that. But he would never, to his credit, he would never get back together with her again, even though they hung out a lot and they were friends in our group. It was like after she betrayed him, he was like he was done with her.

But then he dated another girl a couple years later and he just was dopey, and he dated her for probably 2 or 3 years and she cheated on him a bunch, just jerked him around, but he was so fucking pussy whipped around her, he just became a different person. He just became the biggest fucking pussy. It was absolutely disgusting. And she jerked him around and dicked him over. And eventually, I don’t know how many times, eight times, six, eight times, however many times it was that he caught her cheating and he finally was like, all right, this is not a good person. She even came on to me one time. I was like, that’s not good.

She says people keep bringing him up to her saying he posted the same song she posted herself on Social Media and stuff like that to try and get her to go back with him, she says she no longer misses him but she gets hit with the memories when she was treated badly, usually I would take this as with a grain of salt but she I knew she was serious when she told me lying is a sin.

Well, at the end of the day, that’s really nice that she says all these things. Lying is a sin in that. But at the end of the day, women care about how they feel about somebody. And so if lying is a sin, she’s basically telling you that her interest in her boyfriend is going back up, because basically, he’s been acting so attractive because, remember, over the last four months, it doesn’t look like she’s brought this guy up at all. She was seen to be over it.

And now it’s like, “oh, my family’s bringing it up.” But if her family’s bringing him, she’s like, I have a new boyfriend now. That’s what she should be saying to them. But she’s not she’s not shooting him down, she’s entertaining it. Maybe they don’t like this guy. We don’t know. But it’s not a good sign. What it is indicative of is her attraction and her respect is dropping because this guy is acting like a big pussy.

When she says that she doesn’t lie as she believes there is no place in heaven for liars. Which is good, when I want her to tell me the truth, I say that phrase and she communicates the truth. So, I believed her. She said I’m a completely different from him, she is so lucky and appreciative that she met me, but she doesn’t know why people keep bringing him back to her.

Well, maybe they like the ex more than they like the guy that wrote the email. Maybe they don’t like the new boyfriend as much. Or maybe she brought it up or it came up in conversation and she started talking about him. We don’t really know. But the bottom line is she’s talking about her ex, and that’s not a good sign. And it seems to me she’s bringing up quite frequently. And that is a sign that you need to pull your head out of your ass and start acting like a man again. Because if you don’t, you’re going to literally chase her back into his arms. That’s what’s going to happen. That’s why she’s telling you this. That way she’s not lying. She’s telling you that she’s thinking about this guy.

I told her she needs to make a decision whether she wants our relationship to continue or if she needs more time to heal.

I wouldn’t say that to her. You should just take it as, “Man. I’ve been fucking up. I gotta pull my head out of my butt, get back in Corey’s book and figure out what the hell I’m doing, and saying that’s turning her off.” I mean, talk to your friends. They’re the ones that are all saying, bro, you changed. And it’s probably because you became pussy whipped and they never see you anymore. So there should be times where she wants to see you. You’re like, “Babe, I can’t. I gotta hang out with my friends. I promised them. It’s Bob’s birthday. We gotta get together for Bob’s birthday. Sorry. We can get together later. We can get together tomorrow.”

She told me she wants us to work through this and our relationship to continue.

Well that’s good. But don’t ever bring up breaking up like that again. That’s totally unnecessary and that’s stupid.

She also said at first, she didn’t want to tell me about how she had been thinking of him recently but I kept pushing her to communicate so I can understand her and so she did.

Well, that’s good that you got her to tell you what’s going on. But again, Danger Will Robinson. Danger.

She says she doesn’t know why he kept getting brought back but she doesn’t want it. Is she not fully healed yet?

Well, I would say it’s indicative of your turning her off. And so her interest and her feelings are dropping. And most women don’t understand how attraction works. All they know is they feel differently. But her attraction hasn’t dropped enough to the point where she wants to end things with you. But if you keep on the path that you’re on, that is going to happen. So again, you got to get back into The Book and figure out what you’re doing and saying when you’re with her or not with her that’s turning her off, and causing her to lose interest to the point where now she’s thinking about the ex. And then family and friends bringing it up to her is not helping.

Because she’s already been thinking about him. So if I were you, I’d be going through The Chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers” (page 143), to look at what is she doing and saying, so you can tell and accurately gauge what her actual interest is in you on a scale of 1 to 10. So it might be like around a six, maybe a five, maybe a seven somewhere in that area. She’s definitely not head over heels in love with you, and her interest is clearly dropped and it’s confusing to her. Most girls are like, “Oh, why do I feel differently?” All they know is that their feelings have changed. Because again, most women don’t understand how attraction works.

Maybe I dug my own grave?

Yep.

Is it better if I just leave or should I stay?

You should say dummy. She told you. Sorry I’m being harsh, but, you know, I’m metaphorically shaking your ass, like, “Bro, you need to fucking wake up. You will lose this girl if you don’t change course.” But suggesting breaking up is not the way to stay together. You already asked her once. She said she wants to work on things. So let’s assume that you’re going to cut out all your unattractive behavior that you’re doing. Because what is your job in the courtship? It’s just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen.

Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Pretty simple. Not to be dopey, not to change your opinions to match hers. Not to act like a little girl. Not to make her the leader in your relationship. Again, you got to figure out, because you didn’t really mention what you’re doing. But it’s pretty clear you gotten kind of dopey. And as I said, your friends are saying you’ve changed, so you got to knock that stuff off and get back to being the attractive guy that you were when she got into a serious relationship with you in December. But her interest is going in the wrong direction and you need to wake the fuck up.

We’ve been through a lot in these last 3 months, and we got through it when I disrespected her, she forgave and forgot. Should I do the same here?

Again, it’s just indicative of her interest being lowered by you and your behavior. That’s what’s going on.

I would like to know the perspective of the man who changed my life on my situation, for now I’ll get back in the book. Thanks again and have a wonderful day! 

Sincerely,

Bob

Well, like I said, you’ve been heading in the wrong direction. And now that you’re getting back in The Book, I’m sure some light bulbs are going off and talking to your guy friends can be of help. Like, “How have I changed? What am I doing differently?” If they’re like, “Man, you’re just so pussy whipped. You act so dopey around her.” And if you’re pussy whipped, what that typically means is you’re not acting like the guy that you were when you first met her. In other words, your opinions are not really your opinions anymore. They’re mostly her opinions. Because again, you’re adopting her perspective and point of view.

You’re submitting to her, instead of you standing up for yourself and what you believe in. And if she brings up the boyfriend again, I would say, “you know, doesn’t your family know we’re in a relationship? And so if you’re a good girlfriend, you should be saying, mom, dad, whoever, that is bringing up your ex-boyfriend. Just say, you know, I’m in a relationship with Bob now, and we’re really happy. And you know what? I would appreciate it if you didn’t keep bringing up my ex and rubbing him in my face.

Because I’m trying to move on from that. And it’s not fair to my current boyfriend. It’s not very loving for me to be engaging in these conversations about a relationship that ended, many months ago. It’s like he didn’t treat me well. And that’s why we’re not together. And so I don’t appreciate you keep bringing this guy up and rubbing him in my face. I don’t want to get back together with him. I want to focus on my new relationship with my new current boyfriend.” That’s what she should be saying.

And so this is something that when if the next time she does bring up the ex, you got to have that conversation with her and just tell her it’s like, “Hey, it’s not very loving for every time we get together, or every other time we get together you’re telling me about how you missed your ex-boyfriend, or that your friends and family are bringing them up. It’s like we’re in a relationship and you should be defending us to your friends, your family and saying, hey, that’s not appropriate. I’m not with that dude anymore.”

You should be telling her that. And because the loving thing to do is to focus on us and what we have together. Because when I’m not there, you should be defending me to your friends and your family and letting them know that it’s inappropriate for them to be telling you that, oh, your ex wants to get back together with you. Oh, your ex was posting stuff on social media about you, and you guys are posting the same song. It’s like, support me in my current relationship or quite frankly, keep your fucking mouth shut in a nice way.

That’s what should be happening. And so again, I wouldn’t bring that up until or unless she brings up the other guy or the ex again. Because that is a way to set enforce healthy boundaries. You’re basically saying, “hey, it’s not very loving. You know, this is like the third time or the fourth time you brought this guy up in the last week. And it’s like, we’re in a relationship now. It’s like, I don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriend, and why are you having these long conversations with your friends or your family about your ex.

You should be defending us and what we have to everybody, and letting them know that it’s inappropriate. Because you’ve committed to me and I’ve committed to you.” So that’s what I do when other people talk about or bring up my ex-girlfriends from the past and they’re like, “hey, I’m not with her anymore. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about how great my new girlfriend is.”

So I expect the same level of respect from you. And if you do that, that will cause her to feel more attraction for you because you’re standing up for yourself and you’re not being pussy whipped. The pussy whipped guy just goes along with this and doesn’t say anything, and then continues the dopey act. So you got to check yourself before you wreck yourself, my man.

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