Why It Takes Most People 18 Months To Fully Get Over Their Ex

Why it takes most people 18 months to fully get over their ex.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman that wasn’t 100% of his ideal woman. She had two kids with two different dads and wanted another with him. He wasn’t ready and didn’t want to be a stepdad so he dumped her.

He still can’t get over her and asks what he can do to fully move on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So I was reading a study that was done a few years ago, and it was like, “What is the average time that it takes people that have gone through a bad breakup and a long-term relationship? How long does it take them to get through all the phases of grief and get to the point where they get used to living again without the other person?” And it’s about 18 months or a year and a half. So you got to assume that if you’re going through a breakup, and it’s difficult because what a lot of guys do, especially if the guys doing the ending of the relationship is, because we all experience this when you’re in a relationship, seems like there’s so many girls that are interested in you, coming on to you and giving you eyes that let you know that they’re into you. Then as soon as you become single again, it seems like poof! All those girls disappear, and it’s because our vibe completely changes when you’re in a relationship. You have plenty of sex and intimacy, female companionship. So your cup runneth over, so to speak.

So everywhere you go, you’re in a non-hungry state. You’re not trying to get after or get with any girl, and women can sense that. They can feel that and that’s why they notice it, but as soon as you go from having that, having an abundance of female attention in your life to zero attention, your vibe shifts, your vibe changes, and women can pick up on that too. So the average guy thinks, “Oh, I’ll meet somebody way better than this girl in a few weeks or a month or two, tops,” but when they get about at the 90-day mark, three-month mark, and they haven’t found anybody, they start getting scared. They start becoming fearful. They start thinking, “Uh oh, am I never going to find anybody that was as good to me as the last girl?” Then they start second guessing and doubting themselves. Then they often want to go back to what they had.

We’ve talked about this with the girls in the podcast because they’ve had these experiences. Guys, they break up and then three months later, the guy is trying to get back together with them, showing up at venues and things where they know they’re at and those kinds of things. Whereas before, when they broke up, they were like, “See you later!” And riding off into the sunset.

So the other thing we got to keep in mind is that, when you’re in a relationship, especially when you’re living together, your whole identity is wrapped up in you and her. You live together. You sleep together. You shower together. You take trips together. You do family vacations together. You get together on birthdays and holidays with each other’s families, those kinds of things. You go out on double dates with your friends and other couples that you know that are in relationships. Then all of a sudden, you’re single and that person’s no longer in your life. So like your whole social life, everything you were, everything you identified with is just completely gone. Now it’s just you again.

It’s hard to get used to, especially when you’ve been together with somebody for several years and when you’ve been living together, if you have kids together, it’s just not easy. It’s like you wake up one day and you’re like, “I don’t even know who I am anymore,” because everything about your life involved this other person and now this other person’s not around anymore. Then you think back, because usually what happens, you got friendships, guys that were close to you that maybe hadn’t talked to in a couple of years, maybe six months after you got serious, you just kind of slowly faded away from those friendships. Maybe those guys were still single. Then when you’re in a relationship, you start hanging out with other couples because typically, most of the time you’re going to double date, you’re going to go and hang out with other couples. You got kids. You’re gonna want to hang out with other couples that have kids. You’re not going to want to go out and party with your single guy friends along with your girlfriend. It’s just typically doesn’t happen.

So people tend to fade away from each other, and then you start rekindling friendships. You start seeing friends and family that maybe you neglected in the past. You get back into your hobbies and your interests because a lot of times guys give up their hobbies, their interests. They stop going to the gym. They stop doing all the things that made them interesting, mysterious and attractive to the woman. A lot of times, oftentimes, in order to please her so she doesn’t get upset at him, doesn’t say, “Oh, you’re always in the garage tinkering with that damn old car. You’re always playing with your model trains. You’re always on the internet. You’re always playing video games.” Then the guy gets sick of the nagging and he thinks, “You know what? If I just get rid of this, the nagging will stop, and then she’ll nag about something else.” Then one-by-one, you give up your hobbies, your interests, your friends, and then all of a sudden you have a breakup and you’re like, “I don’t even recognize myself or my life anymore.” So it just takes takes time to re-establish yourself. It takes time to heal.

The thing with women is that women are very in touch with their emotions and their feelings, so it’s much easier and much more natural for them to grieve, to suffer through it, to cry, hang out with their girlfriends, have a cry, their parents have a cry. They feel it, they heal it, and eventually they move on. The other thing with women is that, especially the average attractive woman, is always getting attention and interest from other men, and when they get asked out, they’re like, “Oh, I’m married,” or “Oh, I’m in a relationship.” Then as soon as they’re single, those invitations usually still keep coming, especially people they work with and that know them, know that now all of a sudden they’re single, whereas before they were taken and they would say, “No, I’m sorry. I’m in a relationship. I can’t.” Now all they have to do is say yes. Whereas the average guy, because he’s been out of the game for several years, in a lot of cases, he’s got to get back to cold approaching women, talking to women, putting himself out there, being social, rolling the dice, asking for numbers, asking for dates. So it takes time to get back into it.

The other thing is women tend to do the dumping about 75% of the time. So by the time the woman decides to leave, she’s really over it. Most guys, they don’t see it coming. Usually they’ll say things like, “I didn’t think she was serious when she was complaining about that all the time.” Then once she leaves or serves him with divorce papers, then he realizes she was serious. He can’t ever find time to spend time with her and the kids, but as soon as he gets served with divorce papers, now all of a sudden he’s got plenty of time to hang out with the divorce attorney and spend his money going through a divorce.

So let’s go through this particular guy here. He was dating a woman that, as he says, wasn’t really 100% his ideal woman. She had two kids with two different dads, so she got two different baby daddies. On top of that, she was ready to have a kid with him. So she’s going to end up with three different baby daddies. So he wasn’t ready for all that responsibility, wasn’t ready to have a kid with her, didn’t really want the full responsibility of being a stepdad to two different kids from two different dads. So he dumped her, but he’s having a really hard time moving on because like most guys, he’s impatient. He wants everything right now. So now he’s like, “I just really can’t get over this girl.”

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’ve been following your work and it’s helped me a lot. I’d like your perspective on a tough situation I’m still grieving over.

I was with a woman named Jessica who I met on the hinge dating app. She lives three hours away from me and I am a truck driver in the UK, and I was working in her area that day and that’s how we matched. She’s beautiful, loving, and treated me really well. Honestly, the way I’ve always wanted to be loved. On our first date, her attraction was easily a seven. The chemistry was so strong and she was eye fucking me from the start. I had been practicing your material for two years, so I raised her attraction level pretty fast. We slept together on the second date…

Remember, most women in the west sleep with a guy by the second or third date, and if you know the book backwards and forwards, and you prepare ahead of time like this guy did, when you meet somebody and she’s already really into you, it just kind of happens naturally and quickly.

…And we went at it all day long. I did meet her in the daytime because I knew she was totally into me.

Again, everything is not set in stone.

The problem is, she has two kids by two different fathers and I want to start my own family. I loved her, and I started to love her kids too, but deep down I knew that lifestyle wasn’t what I wanted because I wanted to meet someone who I could start my legacy with. Also, the travel was long distance for me and she doesn’t drive. This is where I went wrong on creating “My ideal list of qualities.” She wasn’t someone who knocked my socks off, but because she was so attracted to me it really made her more sexy to me.

That’s so true. When we meet a woman that we’re like, “Ah, she’s not really what I’m looking for,” but she’s really into you, it’s nice because most of the time that does not happen.

She would buy gifts for me and was so loving. We dated for six months and by month two she brought up being together. In my gut I knew shouldn’t have agreed to it, but I did anyways.

Well, another thing that you got to get used to as a man, and I definitely struggle with that for those of you that have read the book when I was younger, I went and got married to a girl who was a great woman, but I wasn’t ready to get married, didn’t want to get married, but I got talked into it by everybody around me, and they were all dismissive of my feelings and my intuition that it wasn’t the right thing to do. It didn’t feel right. There were like, “Oh, you just have cold feet, Corey. That’ll pass. The longer you’re together, you’ll get over it. Love is love. You guys are so great together.” What did I know? I was like 24, 25 years old.

So I’m listening to women that I work with, women that were married, women that I was friends with, women that were my age, and a lot of my friends, same thing. They’re getting serious. We’re going to weddings all the time. Sometimes we got two weddings a weekend to go to with people that we grew up with. So it’s like everybody was doing it and it’s like, “So, when are you gonna put a ring on that finger, Corey?” And you get all this pressure and you think, “Well, this is the best it’s ever been. What happens if I leave? What if I never find anybody as good to me as her?” Because I didn’t have a lot of life experience at that point. So because of my fear, my fear that I wouldn’t find anybody better, fear that I wouldn’t find anybody else that liked me as much as that, again fear that I wouldn’t find somebody that I really clicked with. Maybe I was just being delusional and had a irrational fantasy. I went ahead and did it.

Even after I bought the ring, I was still doubting it and I was like, “I’m going to take this back and get a refund. I’m not really ready to do this,” but I kept getting talked into it and I eventually talked myself into it. Then I was like, “Oh, you know what? We’ll get engaged. We can be engaged for a couple of years.” As soon as I got engaged, her mother just put the hammer down and planning the wedding and planning the date, and I was like, “Holy shit. I didn’t really have much of a choice anymore.” So I just kind of went along with it. Then after about a year, I realized that I needed to do what my gut was telling me to do.

So when I was younger, I didn’t really trust that because I was full of fear and I had no life experience, and I certainly didn’t have anybody in my family or my peer group that I knew that I could go to that really understood this and could give me some good advice and talk some sense into me, because everybody I talked to about it was just telling me, “Oh, you just got cold feet. Oh, that’ll pass. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” and it wasn’t. I was like, “But it’s not. Inside, it doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like I want to get married.” “Oh, it’s just because you’re young and you’re not experienced. That’ll pass. You’ll be fine. You guys are great together. Don’t let her get away.” It’s like, everybody was dismissive of my concerns, my intuition and what felt right for me, and we’re just determined that they thought we needed to be together, and since I didn’t know any better, I didn’t have any life experience to speak of, I went ahead and did it, and it still didn’t feel right. After a year, I finally was like, “I can’t do this anymore. I gotta trust what my gut is telling me for once in my life.” As hard as it was, it was the best decision I ever made.

There were times after I left that I thought about going back. We had split up. Then like a few weeks later, we were sleeping in separate bedrooms. Then we got back together for about a month and then I finally left for good. It was not easy. It’s not fun breaking somebody’s heart, especially somebody that was ready to spend their life with you. It was awful. Felt really guilty about it.

We had a lot of fun together and the sex was absolutely amazing.

She did everything just to please me. She completely submitted to me and did everything for me. She called and pursued me every single day for six months and even one month after we split up. She said she couldn’t do it anymore and she had to delete my number. She even asked me to move in with her and add to her family, but I turned it down because I want freedom and my own kids one day without the complications of raising someone else’s. 

Well, what I realized and I wrote about in the book, if you really love the mom, you’ll love her kids. You won’t give a shit. You’ll love her family. You’ll love being a part of it. Like my girlfriend that had a daughter. She had a big family. During Thanksgiving, they would meet in a park and it’d be like 150 people here. Everybody would bring something and the kids would be playing. All adults are hanging out, drinking, having fun together, maybe a little bit of smoking away from the adults because there are a lot of family that were in law enforcement and they didn’t like it when we would do those things. So we would go over in the bushes or whatever and do it away from them, but it was great because I never got to see a family that was close like that.

My family growing up like, they fucking hated each other, and during the holidays, there was always somebody feuding, bickering, not getting along and bitching happening. Here it’s like I’m a part of this family and they all loved me. There were a bunch of really cool people, and it was a great gift to be able to be a part of a family like that and see what a close family is really like, because most of the time the family hung out together. They had outside friends and stuff, but the brothers hung out together. The sisters, the nieces, nephews. Just every weekend, it was a bunch of us from the family and all the kids, just because you got little kids, you got to keep the kids entertained. Adults want to be able to blow off some steam after a long week of work and you’re cooking together. You’re grilling out together. You’re always at somebody’s house. The kids are playing in the pool. The adults are watching them make sure nobody gets hurt or you got to keep kids safe and you’re just trying to enjoy your life. You know, there’s a lot of fun. It was a great gift.

I didn’t have anything like that growing up. I didn’t see that, and I learned a lot from it and it really taught me to the value of family and what a good family looks like because again, I didn’t see an example like that in my own life. So it changed my life. It was one of the best experiences I ever had. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without it.

I walked away in March, and logically I know I made the right choice, but emotionally, I still miss her a lot. Some days I feel strong, other days I just want to call her. I’ve been approaching women and improving myself, but her memory still lingers.

She got in touch with me in June, which was three months since I walked away from our relationship. I never saw these messages in June and had no clue. I messaged her in July because I really missed her and we got close again. She was calling me everyday and I lost my center and I asked her if she wanted to go on a date. She asked me “What are you looking to get from it?” And I said I wanted to make it right with her. After I had said this, I had this feeling of guilt that just came over me.

Yeah. So you hadn’t met anybody in three months. That’s why I say you got about 90 days, and then you start freaking out like, “Oh my God, what if I did the wrong thing? What if this was the love of my life? I got to get her back, Corey. Help me!” But the reality is, you weren’t that into it, and the right thing to do is to move on, but when you don’t have a lot of experience, you don’t have a lot of choices yet, you haven’t experienced the abundance mentality, you probably going to want to try to go back, and that’s exactly what he did. He got right at 90 days and he went back to her, but right away, all the things that turned him off about her, they’re still there.

I missed her, but I knew it wasn’t right. The next day she came to me with all of the things she wanted from me. She said, “If you really want this, then would you consider moving in with me and my boys.” When she asked this, I felt this weight on my shoulders because I knew it wasn’t fully what I wanted. I suggested that we should go on a date first and let things flow, but she was saying that she wanted me to move in and I didn’t feel right about it.

It’s a lot of pressure.

I had to tell her once again that it’s not what I’m looking for and she got upset again. She said that she can’t speak to me no more because she needs to heal and that she can’t move on with me in the picture, It’s been a month since we talked and it’s been really hard letting this one go. 

Well, the honorable thing to do is actually let her go because you went back to her and everything that you didn’t like about her that turned you off is still there. She didn’t become a different person. What happened was you didn’t find anybody quick enough. So you were ready to give up, and you started looking at the past through rose colored glasses. Then you started hanging out with her again, and you got reminded of all the reasons why you left, and then you dipped a second time. So you broke her heart a second time, which is not a nice thing to do.

My question is: How do I fully get over her and untangle my heart, so I can give my love to the next woman without holding back?

Thanks Corey, I appreciate all the work you do.

Bob

Well be disciplined, number one. Let her go. If you really love somebody and care for them, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. So the longer you stay with her, the more you’re keeping her from the right guy, from who she needs to be with, and a guy who would probably love to be a stepdad to her kids. Maybe he’s got his own kids and they’ll have a blended family together or whatever, but it’s not right. It’s weakness to keep going back to her, because you’re basically bitching out on finding somebody that you really want to be with.

So the best thing that’s going to help you get over this is meeting somebody new, somebody that knocks your socks off and makes and feels the same way about you. This woman obviously cared for you, but you didn’t feel the same way on your side. So you got to keep moving. You got to keep searching. It’s like, “What if it takes two years? What if it’s five years before you meet the right person?” You got to take your time and you got to go through the process. You got to learn what’s in the book. Like I said, all it takes is one look from one girl. You never know. You could be at the grocery store checkout line, and then you turn around and there’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen in the world, looking at you and smiling at you with the prettiest eyes and the most amazing figure you’ve ever seen. The more you waste your time with somebody that, deep down, you know is not right for you, the more you’re going to delay that event happening.

So your goal should be to learn the book, apply it and to go out on enough dates. You master what’s in the book, so when you do meet the right girl, you don’t fuck it up and talk her out of liking you like most guys tend to do and like I used to do, as I obviously wrote about in the book. So it’s just takes time and repetition. Dude, I know the last thing you want to do right now is move on and date, but you got to put yourself out there and you got to make the effort because inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage. What it looks like is you’re not really doing anything to help yourself move on. Yeah, you’re not with this girl anymore, but it doesn’t look like you’re really talking to, approaching other women, getting involved and acting like a guy who’s trying to meet somebody new. It’s like you’re kind of sitting on your butt thinking that eventually the right girl is just going to come over and knock on your front door and say, “Hey, I’m here. I’m your soul mate.” It doesn’t work that way. You got to get out there and circulate. You got to get to a happy place in life where you’re excited about life, you’re proud of your life, and you’re excited about the future.

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