Why It’s Better If Women Are Trying To Win You Over

Why it’s better if women are trying to win you over, instead of chasing women to win them over.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a very introverted woman for about six months. He says she had no friends and didn’t like to venture out very much. He was only seeing her in person about once per month, but she was constantly calling and texting him.

He obviously enabled this behavior by giving her attention and validation and putting up with only seeing her in person once per month. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

You can see what happens when a guy doesn’t have choice, he doesn’t have options. He puts up with all kinds of undesirable behavior. Because the reality is you can’t make somebody into what you want. You either love and accept them as they are, or you have to find somebody else. And when you settle, all those things that irritate you about them are not going to go away. You either have to learn to live with them or you have to move on. And when you don’t have a lot of choices, it’s hard to do that. Especially if it’s been a while – maybe you’ve been single for a while, or maybe it been a while since you met somebody that you really felt you clicked with.

The reality is that most of the people you meet in life, you’re not going to really click with. That includes friends, lovers, business partners, people that become close to you. It’s very rare when somebody comes along and you just click and you feel like you’ve known each other. And so, when you’re waiting for that to happen, and you’re just experiencing failure after failure, rejection after rejection, you go out on date after date and it just never goes anywhere. And then, you meet somebody who is better than everybody you’ve been meeting lately, but isn’t quite all the way there. It’s the urge to settle, because a lot of people don’t like being single, and they think, “Man, I’ve been single all this time. I went through all these girls just to get to this one. She’s not really what I want, but maybe I can work with this.”

The idea is, once you realize that it’s not going to work out, you’ve got to be able to get out, because otherwise, the longer you stay with somebody, the higher the risk is that a pregnancy happens, especially if you’re having unprotected sex. And the longer you’re together, the more likely you are to just settle. And when you settle, and it doesn’t matter what area of your life that you settle, then it starts to affect every other area of your life. And so, if you lose hope in your personal life, you’ll often put up with friendships that you shouldn’t put up with. If you hate the job you’re working, you’ll put up with the unhappy job or the terrible or toxic work environment.

I think all of us have worked in environments where we work with people that we didn’t like or we didn’t get along with, or we had to work under people that we didn’t like or didn’t get along with. And people who have choice just say, “I’m not putting up with this. I’m going to find a better job,” and they go out and find a better job. But people who are in a scarcity mindset will put up with that. So, the key is getting out of that scarcity mindset, so you can find and attract what you really want.

Happy people are the most attractive people. The idea is to not put off your happiness to the event, or when you finally meet somebody you click with. The idea is to get to a happy place, and then find somebody else who’s also happy, so you can share your happiness with each other. Because if you’re unhappy and you get together with somebody for a period of time, you’ll be happy. But after the infatuation wears off, after six to twelve months, even though you’ve got this amazing person in your life, you’re still faced with the fact that you’re not happy. And then, when that happens, you stop putting your best foot forward, and then the relationship starts to go sideways as well. That’s why you’ve got to do the work on yourself before you get into a relationship.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

For the past 6+ months I have been going out with a girl that really is different (personality wise) from the girls I have gone out with in the past. This girl is very introverted, a homebody, and doesn’t have much of a social circle, and I’m the complete opposite.

Like attracts like. People who like the same things tend to like each other. And if you’re very extroverted and outgoing, it’s helpful if the person that you’re with is also the same way. Because if you’re very extroverted and outgoing and the person you’re dating is not, they’re, in essence, going to be holding you back. And then, you’re going to be compromising on what makes you happy in order to try to make her happy or to keep her from feeling uncomfortable, especially, like in this case, where she’s an introvert.

I found it to be cute at first but finally got to the point where I became frustrated when she would only want to go out so often. When we did go out, we had a great time and she started telling me.  About 5 months in, she said she got strong feelings for me, explained how dating casually clearly wasn’t working anymore, and how she wanted me. I took this as the “wanting exclusivity” signal. When I brought up being exclusive, she flipped out on me and said, “I can’t be in a committed relationship at this time.”

Well, the key is not to ask her to be exclusive. The key is say, “Are you saying you want to be exclusive? You want to be boyfriend-girlfriend? What are you saying to me?” You want to ask it from that particular angle. “What do you mean?” is another a great question to ask. “What do you mean?” – guys should tattoo that on their foreheads.

I finally had enough and was tired of her blowing up my phone and wanting to tell me about her feelings every day to only see her in person once per month.

So, part of your problem is you violated a big principle from “How To Be A 3% Man.” The phone is for setting dates, and you got in the habit of chit-chatting with her on the phone and giving her the attention and validation that she wanted. And because she’s an introvert, she got what she needed from you, and she doesn’t like going out anyway. So, what’s the reason for her to go out, because you gave her what she needed; you gave her the attention and validation.

So, you were enabling her behavior from that perspective, instead of recognizing, “This is kind of unusual behavior. I want to go out and have fun. I’m extroverted.” When you ask a girl out and she’s like, “Oh, I’d rather stay home, but I like talking to you,” it’s like, “Well, let’s go out.” And if she doesn’t want to go out just say, “Well, I’d love to get to know you in person, but if you don’t want to go out, give me a call when you’re ready to do something, or your schedule is freed up and you have time.”

The problem is, he thought, “Okay, if I talk to this girl longer, I’ll be able to change her mind. I’ll get her to feel comfortable, and then she’ll want to go do things with me.” And what happens is you just kind of become like her body pillow, basically, her digital body pillow on the phone. And that’s no fun, especially for an extroverted guy who wants to go out and enjoy life.

Anyway, it finally reached its boiling point a week ago when I asked her to meet up two different occasions, (6 days apart).

So, he’s following what the book says, that on two separate, consecutive occasions when you ask her out and she turns you down – meaning she’s reaching out to you first, and she still says no – you’re going to stop asking at that point. But it never should have gotten to six months. He should have recognized what was going on after a few weeks and dipped on out. But the reason he stuck around is a scarcity mindset.

And she had excuses both times, so that was my last time asking. She continued to text me daily, (I would respond later), and finally I had enough and told her I’m not interested in her wanting to constantly talk to me but not make an effort to hang out. She got pretty upset and blocked me, (for a day), then unblocked me. 

Yes, I know I made some mistakes along the way, but I will say the first 3-4 months of dating, I was pretty damn good about everything I did. I’ve read the book 10 times in 6 months and am planning to hit 15+ before Summer starts. I have even been making/drinking your green shakes.

I assume he’s talking about Corey’s green alkaline smoothie. If you Google “How To Make Corey’s Green Alkaline Smoothie With Gracie,” you can see the latest video of her making that and the recipe on screen and everything. Also the “How To Make Corey’s Green Juice With Gracie,” you can see that one as well.

I guess my biggest issue is sometimes I struggle to fully walk away, and I need your guidance on how to not be a weak beta male, so I don’t go back to this dead end “relationship,” (LOL). I also don’t want to just keep dating casually and having to hear about her feelings every second.

Well, that’s the way women are. But your problem is you enabled her behavior by always being available to chit-chat on the phone. And so, she could talk on the phone and when you say, “You know what, let’s get together and talk about it in person,” and she goes, “Oh no, I can’t. I don’t want to. I just want to talk to you,” just say, “Well, I’m about to step into an appointment” or “I’ve got to do this,” or “I’ve got to do that. Figure out your schedule and get back to me. I’ve got to run. Talk to you later. Bye.”

But the problem is you didn’t set and enforce healthy boundaries with the phone, and that’s a big part of where you went wrong. So, you kind of did it to yourself. And now you’re six months down the road, and she expects you to be that way with her.

She isn’t the girl of my dreams, and I want and deserve better than to be toyed with like this.

Well, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Like I said, you enabled this behavior.

I truly wish her nothing but the best, but this is something I felt coming for a while, and I was getting to the point of frustration and wanted to get out sooner or later. I just didn’t expect it to happen like this. I know I acted a bit salty the last few weeks and like a beta and probably deserve a “C’mon Man.” I need to get a grip, have more self-control, and learn how to not settle for less than I deserve.

Thank you,

Bob

Well, you’ve got to see reality as it is – not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. You tended to see things as better than they were. That’s not normal. If you’re a very extroverted, dude, and you’re talking to a girl that doesn’t want to leave the house, but yet she wants to talk to you all the time, you have to recognize that that’s not healthy. That goes against your value system. And you can’t have the kind of relationship you want when you see the other person’s value system doesn’t line up with your own.

The longer you stay involved with somebody like this, it takes you out of the dating market. She absorbs all of your mental and emotional energy, because you’re focused on her. And you’re irritated half of the time, because you can’t see her and you’re not spending time with her. You’re telling all your friends how you’re dating somebody, but you only go out with her once a month. Yet, you’re talking to her every day.

That’s the problem with this, that you enable her behavior. And then, she thinks maybe there will probably be another guy that will come along that will be needy and desperate and put up with this, so she doesn’t need to change, because guys still put up with it – probably because she’s younger and attractive. As she gets older, that’s going to get harder and harder for her.

But what you have to recognize is that you increase a woman’s interest in you in person, and if somebody doesn’t want to meet you in person, then don’t give them your attention and validation by being available to chit-chat on the phone. The book will only help you if you apply it. If you violate the principles, like you did with the phone conversations and the texting, that’s on you, bruh.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Successful men who have choice with women are pursued like a prize because they have the most options and are the most desired of men. When you have choice, you can afford to be selective. Men who have little to no choice with women are in scarcity mode and put up with all kinds of undesirable behavior in hopes that they can just get a woman to spend time with them. This is why men should be focused on building themselves up physically, to optimize their looks and find a way to monetize their passions, so they can have a purpose and mission that sets their soul on fire. When men optimize themselves and their lives, they optimize their ability to attract the highest quality women. Happy people are the most attractive people.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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