Why you should never trust a liar or a cheater or give them a 2nd chance.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 4 times so far. His girlfriend of 4 months was in an abusive relationship for 7 years with a boyfriend who constantly lied to and cheated on her. About 2 weeks into being exclusive with her, she cheated on him with her male “friend” who was her shoulder to cry on during her breakup.
He’s considering giving her a 2nd chance to prove she’s changed, but he doesn’t feel good about it and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Character is destiny. A lot of people ask, are liars and cheaters redeemable? So, remember this, like attracts like. People that like the same things tend to like each other. Water seeks its own level. You are who you associate with. And people that are in relationships with liars and cheaters who habitually lie and cheat on them, on some level, they condone that behavior. And typically, they both cheat on each other.
This woman is in a relationship with this guy for seven years who’s lying and cheating on her constantly, she knew he was lying and cheating on her, yet she stuck around. So, if you look at her actions, then she’s cool with lying and cheating, because on some level, this is normal behavior for her.
If she thinks it’s normal behavior that her boyfriend cheats on her and lies to her, then you probably shouldn’t be surprised if she lies and cheats you. It’s just delusional, based on her track record, to assume she’s going to have a change of heart or become a good person. It’s possible, but the likelihood of it… it’s not going to happen. Maybe occasionally, like one out of 100,000 or something. The point being is the odds aren’t good.
I have been following your work for the past year and in the past few months have taken to reading your book 4-5 times and will continue to read it until I reach the recommended 10-15 times mark. I need your help regarding my girlfriend of 4 months.
She was in an abusive relationship for 7 years, where her boyfriend used to lie to her and cheat on her. She tried to break up with him several times, but he used to drag her in with emotional drama. She finally broke up with him this year in the month of January and after I came to know about this, I asked her out. On our first date she was not so enthusiastic, and after the date ended, she texted me that she needed time to process her breakup. I told her that it’s fine and to let me know when she would like to meet up.
Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. Now, let’s take the fact that we know she’s a liar and a cheater out of the equation, that’s the proper response. Because, again, you’re applying what’s in the book because you’re trying to weed out the good women from the bad women. So, you treat them all the same. But at the end of the day, when you’re with them long enough, you’re going to see what they’re really like.
Three days later she asked me out for dinner, I arranged a date and it went well. A week or two later, she wanted to be exclusive with me, and though it felt a bit fast, I agreed as we had a good connection.
Remember, she was in a seven year relationship, and she was out of that seven year relationship in a matter of weeks. She took no time to heal, no time to be alone. She said she needed time alone, and then that lasted three whole days. So, that would tell me about her character, she’s incredibly insecure and needy and is replacing one intimacy for another.
Fast forward to today, our relationship was going well until last week when I got to know about the “friends with benefits” guy that she had during the end of her last relationship.
Oh, she left out that detail.
During the last few months of her previous relationship, she was friends with this one guy who was her shoulder.
That’s so nice. That’s very generous of him.
The problem is 1-2 weeks into our exclusivity agreement, she slept with this guy at a party where both of them were drunk and thus cheated on me.
Oh. And she’s the one that asked for exclusivity. And so, she puts herself in a situation where she’s hanging out with a guy that she was having sex with and got a little drunk, and “Oops, his dick ended up inside me. Shucks, I don’t know how that happened. It happens. Oops!”
After the incident, they had a huge fight where she told him that it shouldn’t have happened and it was wrong, as she was committed to me.
Obviously, it didn’t bother her too much. She was hanging out with this guy and decided to get drunk around him without her ‘boyfriend’ being there. Obviously, she just has tons of integrity.
After that, she cut all contact with him.
Yeah, okay. Sure.
She never once mentioned this to me, and I recently got suspicious, due to my talk with her friends, and confronted her. Still, she didn’t tell me the truth at one go, and I had to keep on pressing her to get the truth out.
Oh, she’s a liar? She was in a relationship with a liar and a cheater for seven years and she lied to you? God, that’s so unusual.
There was a lot of crying and apologies from her and she was ashamed of her behavior. Her narrative is the usual ‘It just happened’ thing.
“Whoops! It just kind of happened. I know we’re in a relationship, but oops, his dick ended up inside me. It can happen to anybody.”
She says that at the time, she committed too soon to me…
So it’s your fault, obviously.
…and was still not over her ex and thought the relation with me won’t last, as she was moving to a different city.
Oh, yeah, so it’s not her fault. “Hey, it’s not my fault. You got into a relationship too quickly.” Which, obviously, he did.
Slowly over time, she started falling for me and could never muster the courage to talk about the cheating incident, as she feared losing me.
Well, rightly so.
I told her that this is totally unacceptable and that a commitment for me means a lot.
Well, it means zero to her. It doesn’t matter what she says. Her actions show otherwise. She rationalized it away like, “Oh yeah, I really wasn’t that into you. It was too soon for a commitment, and I was just really suffering after the breakup. So, whoops, his dick just kind of slid into me. It happens. But it was a rather nice game of hide the salami. Too bad you weren’t there.”
However, she is begging me to take her back and is telling me that it was a one-time mistake.
She has also told me that she will see a mental health professional to understand what is wrong with her and why she behaved the way she did.
Because she doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, and being honest and telling the truth. Those are not her value system. It doesn’t matter what she says. She stayed with a guy who was lying and cheating on her for seven years. She was probably lying and cheating on him too. It was probably a mutual thing.
I know for sure that she has started a session online for self-improvement.
Oh, well, good for her.
I told her that she has broken trust which is fundamental to a relationship for me.
Love cannot exist where there is no trust.
She said she needs a break to work on herself…
Oh, a break now.
…and that I should contact her whenever I feel I can give her and the relationship another chance.
I am a bit confused as to whether to give this girl a second chance or not.
Dude, if you’re seriously thinking about giving this chick a second chance, I want you to take your right hand, and I want you to reach out and choke yourself.
While we click on many levels, I am really concerned by the fact that she hid this cheating incident so well.
That’s because she has a lot of practice at it. And it’s going to kind of make you wonder, “What else has she lied to me about?” Character is destiny. This is who she is. This is her value system. It’s not your fault, dude. But this is why you date. This is why you apply what’s in “3% Man,” so you can see these things and you can find them out.
Obviously, you didn’t want to find out four months into a relationship, but here we are. Shit happens. That’s the way life is. You didn’t expect it, you weren’t looking for it, but it kind of happened. You got served a big shit burger. Now, you’ve just got to decide whether or not you want to eat it. I would probably decline, obviously. But you do, you, boo boo.
The fact that she concealed it like a professional sends chills down my spine.
And it should, because she’s been rehearsing this her whole life. This is what her family taught her.
While I know that I can get another girl, I am still considering giving this girl a second chance.
Come on, man. Seriously? She belongs to the streets.
I think she might be truly in total guilt and trying to improve herself. I know long abusive relationships can make people behave in ways contrary to their character…
No, it was totally consistent with her character. She gave the dude seven years. She’s a liar and a cheater also. She proved it to you, quite frankly, a week into your relationship. Like Maya Angelou said, “when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
…and if she wants to put effort into herself and into our relationship, I don’t want to be the dick and make her live with regret for the rest of her life.
Oh, you don’t want to be “a dick,” but she had another “dick” that wasn’t yours inside of her when you were supposedly in a relationship. It’s like, have some self-respect, dude. I mean, think about what you just said, “I don’t want to be the dick and make her live with regret for the rest of her life.” It’s like, she should. She should realize that, “If I do this to the next guy, I’m going to lose him, too.”
So, the best thing you can do for her is to say, she belongs to the streets! And just say, “No. Love can’t exist where there is no trust. Trust is the hardest thing to get and the easiest thing to lose, and you violated that trust two weeks into our relationships.”
“I don’t care what you say, you did what you did. You were with a guy for seven years who cheated on you constantly. Obviously, you’re not that bothered by lying and cheating. This is a normal part of a relationship to you. That’s not my value system. So, I encourage you to go find somebody who wants to have open relationships or doesn’t mind you fucking other guys while they’re in a relationship with you.”
Can you please give your opinion, as I am confused. I really appreciate your work and the value that you have added to my life.
Thanks a lot!
Throw the bitch back dude. She’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits. Always wear a raincoat with this girl. You don’t know who she’s sleeping with or what she’s doing when she’s not around you. If you want loyalty, monogamy, and exclusivity, then you’re going to throw this bitch back. Throw her back to the streets, because she ain’t worth the gum that’s stuck to the bottom of your shoe. This is who she is.
If you take her back, you’re enabling her behavior and you’ll teach her that, you know what, even if you cheat on a really good dude, he’ll give you another shot. And then, guess what? When the conditions are right or she’s not happy, she’ll do it again and blame it on you. Because, technically, it would be your fault because you would be continuing to enable her behavior.
And so, you should be a dick about it. You should say, “Hey, you should have thought about that before you got drunk with another guy and his dick ended up inside you. It’s not my problem. You cheated on me. Your ex-boyfriend cheated on you, you probably cheated on him. You probably cheated on every guy you’ve ever been with. I don’t believe a word that comes out of your fucking mouth. You looked me right in the eye and lied, so you’re full of shit. That’s it. That’s all I can say about you, is you’re totally full of crap.”
“So, no, I’m not giving you another chance. Go on down the road, delete my number, have a nice life. Call Dr. Phil. Go get your mental health counseling and therapy. I think that would be great. But I can’t do this. I can’t be with somebody who is going to lie to my face and cheat on me. It just doesn’t work for me. I’ve got nothing but love for you, buh-bye.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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