Why Making Her Your Mommy & Therapist Leads To Rejection

How to avoid making a woman your mommy & therapist to keep her attracted.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 48-year-old viewer who is a recovering nice guy. He’s always sought attention and validation from women and tends to overshare and make them his mommy and therapist.

He still struggles to do what the book says which turns women off and shares a recent experience with a new woman that he turned off by acting too much like a woman instead of a man. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 48-year-old viewer. He’s a recovering nice guy, he’s always sought attention and validation from women and he tends to overshare and make them his mommy and therapist. He says he still struggles to do what the book says, 3% Man obviously, and turns women off.

So he shares an experience of a recent woman that at least initially thought, “Wow, this is going great,” but after the fact, after he went down in flames in a crash and burn, he wrote a detailed email with bullet points and explains exactly where he realizes now that he went wrong. This is really great because he’s being honest and open with himself and pointing the finger at himself and pointing out his own behaviors that he did incorrectly. When you do that and you acknowledge it, you’re aware of the problem, you’re aware of what you’re doing wrong, then you can take corrective action, but if you’re one of those guys that has a story that says, “It’s not your fault,” it’s pretty easy just to blame other people, blame other women, blame social media. “It’s not my fault.” Well if it’s not your fault, then there’s nothing to change. There’s nothing to fix. If there’s nothing to fix, there’s nothing new to learn. So the next time you meet a girl you really like, the same exact thing will happen all over again. You’ll turn her off for exactly the same reason that you did the others because you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. It’s like what Confucius said: “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

So with that said, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

I a 48-year-old man, and I got divorced last year. I’ve been a nice guy my whole life (Thanks to “No more Mr. Nice Guy”), always trying to please women, seeking validation, and struggling to change. I’ve read your book How to Be a 3% Man at least 10 times. I repeat on Audible, but even with that knowledge, I’ve made every mistake in the book when it comes to dating.

Well, most guys have made the mistakes that I discussed in the book. That’s why it’s so powerful, and when guys go through it, they’re like, “Oh shit, I did exactly that,” but when you’re emotionally invested or emotionally anchored to a certain type of behavior, then you’re going to continue to make mistakes.

So this is why, especially if you saw the success story that we also published today, that guy in that particular video, Mastering Self Control So You Can Attract Your Dream Woman, he read the book 35, 40 times, and he’s been following me for about two and a half years. Despite having gone through the book, he was dating a woman that really knocked his socks off.

That’s where we separate the men from the boys. We separate the good students from the lazy, half-ass students. The good students sent in a good success story. The guys that are lazy and cherry picking and only reading the book a handful of times, or just kind of thumbing through it, they continue to flail around. So with that previous email, that viewer, even though he read the book 35, 40 times, it took everything in his power to just maintain self control, especially when there were times where he didn’t hear from her for two or three days. On the inside, he’s just absolutely freaking out, worrying, “Oh, I screwed up. I got to do something. I got to fix this,” and he would just be patient and then sure enough, she would reach out. Well, when that happens enough, then you start to get used to it. You start to realize that, “Wow.” Women, if you do what’s in the book, they’re very predictable. They’re easy to understand and they’re easy to be with.

Like I said, it’s when you start dating a woman that really knocks your socks off, all of your fears, your insecurities, your doubts, if you have a dis-empowering personal story, all of those things will be a real challenge because you’re being overwhelmed by your emotions, because as guys, we always want to do something. We want to take action because that’s what masculine energy is. That’s great in business, but when it comes to women, you have to back off and let them be and feel so they can feel free to come and go. Like Thich Nhat Hanh used to say: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

Let’s go back to our email here.

Recently, I got involved with a woman, and I thought things were going well. She was attracted to me, we had fun together, and for a while, I felt like I was finally on the right track. But looking back, I can see exactly how I sabotaged the attraction and lost control of the situation.

So this is really great because again, a lot of guys make the same exact mistakes and it’s great when you get an email or a detailed one like this from a guy with bullet points, because it’s great for other guys that are maybe in the middle of something like this and haven’t screwed it up yet, or in the near future may meet somebody that’s really hard to be with because they like her so much. This is just a good, constant reminder of where other guys failed, you can learn from it so you don’t make the same mistakes.

Where I Went Wrong:

1. I Was Too Available: I responded too quickly, was always eager to see her, and gave too much of my time too soon.

In other words, he treated her like a priority, kind of treated her like a girlfriend. The vibe he gave off was that he was way more into her than she was into him. The reality is, women like you a lot more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them.

Instead of letting her invest in me, I chased.

So he wasn’t a challenge. He over pursued, he called too much, texted too much, was living too much in the future and what it was going to be like when they were in a relationship. So probably many times he treated her like a priority when she was just had the attitude, “Well, let’s wait and see what happens,” but he made it clear to her that she’d kind of won the race. She was going to get the Stanley Cup or the Super Bowl trophy. Yet she was still trying to figure out whether or not he was good for her or a good match for her. So in essence, he basically acted more like a woman. He chased and he pursued too much to the point where it didn’t come off as masculine. It came off as like a needy, insecure girl. Women really like you more if they have to work for you, and when you make it too easy, they just don’t appreciate it. Scarcity creates value. Remember that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

Number two, this is a big one. A lot of guys do this. I had a couple guys this week in phone sessions doing the same damn thing. I was talking to a high income, high net worth guy. He read the book about four and a half, five times, and that was over like the last six or seven years. It had been years that he went through it, but he’s a rich, powerful, successful guy, and he was a little full of himself. When we were discussing, he was like, “Well, she’s doing 100% of the reaching out. I don’t ever reach out to her,” but then we were talking. When they’re in person, he’s constantly got his hands on her. He’s constantly initiating physical touch to the point where he’s coming off as a little needy, a little clingy, a little too touchy-feely. He’s touching her when she’s not open to be touched, because he was only focused on his interest in her.

As he continued to go through all the things that he was doing wrong, it’s like when he was away from her, he let her do all the contact initiation, but when they were together in person, he was like a needy little boy and just always had to be touching her, always initiating sex and he was getting rejected. It was hard for this guy to hear that because again, he’s rich, he’s successful, he’s usually used to people pushing him around, and it was very uncomfortable for him to hear that yet again, he was still making the same mistakes, that he should know better, but he didn’t take the time. He was a cherry picker. We had a good laugh about it. We always laugh with those guys when they admit that they’re cherry pickers, but if that’s how you’re going to behave, you’ll probably end up on the phone with me doing a phone session in a panic, trying to fix things because you didn’t spend the time ahead of time to learn this stuff.

Remember, what did Confucius say? “Success depends upon prior preparation, and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.” If you don’t take the time to really learn the book, if you’re lazy and you just focus on pick-up skills and dating and seduction skills, you’re not going to be able to sustain it. You’ll have a real hell of a time when you get into a relationship.

Another thing: This client that I was talking about that he was doing is this stuff here. Oversharing, seeking attention and validation. His rationalization was like, “Whoa, we were spending so much time together and she was so into me. I thought it was OK just to tell her my problems and tell her my fears, and tell her all of the things that were unattractive about me and basically overshare.” He just completely turned this woman off that he was seeing.

2. I Overshared and Made Her an Emotional Dumping Ground: I talked about my divorce and the struggles with my ex, trying to make her understand. Instead of being confident and lighthearted, I shared out of fear.

As I say in the book, if it’s not going to make you look more confident, more attractive, more mysterious, more calm, more well put together as a man, keep it to yourself. If you go on and on about your divorce, the girl that broke your heart, all the chicks that left you, or why it never works out in your favor, you’re going to dry a woman up quicker than a drop of water dropped on the Sahara desert. It’ll instantly evaporate. There will be no moisture.

The book also says, keep it funny, keep it light. No serious, heavy subjects. If you are going to talk about something or your divorce or whatever, it needs to be a positive spin. “That was a great experience. I learned so much about myself and what I wanted in a relationship and what’s important to me. I got no regrets. It taught me a lot.” Then you change the subject or you start asking her a question. When you drone on, it’s like, “Oh, my ex is being difficult. She’s being difficult with the kids. She’s doing crazy things. She’s showing up at my house. She keyed my car. She blows up my phone and she cusses me out. I was on a date with a girl one time, and she came over and cussed out the new girl I was dating, and I never heard from her again.” When you start talking like that, she’s like, “This guy’s a fucking loser. He’s got a psychotic ex. I don’t want to get involved in that,” but if everything is positive that you share, then she’s like, “Man, this guy’s amazing. What a great attitude.” Most people that go through a divorce, they have a negative attitude about it. So it’s super important.

3. I Justified and Sought Validation: When she questioned whether I was over my ex, I explained instead of owning my reality.

In other words, it’s like she kind of backed him into a corner and he was like falling all over himself to try to explain and justify his actions, because if he was sitting there droning on about his ex, she’s gonna be thinking, “Wow, this guy definitely is not over her yet. He’s still suffering because of that.”

This is why again, you got to put a positive spin on it and why you should be letting her do most of the talking instead of sitting there thinking, “Oh, I’m going to just treat her like my mommy and my therapist and share everything, because that’s what it said on TV. That’s what it said in the TV sitcom I watched the other night, that men got to talk about our feelings,” and the guy was ridiculed in the show because he didn’t want to talk about his feelings, but at the end of the show, the guy talked about his feelings and it brought he and his wife, his girlfriend or the girl he was dating closer together, and he lived happily ever after. You do that in real life, the woman’s not going to want to see you again. Pretty simple.

When you see that same archetype dozens and dozens and dozens of times every fucking year, especially if you’re not really paying attention to the book, or you read it a handful of times and it’s been a long time since you’ve been back, what you do often, you do best. So if you’re consuming traditional media, you’re going to behave more like what you see on TV because you’re not going to know any better. You’re not going to see any better because again, that’s what you’re mostly consuming.

I wanted her to see me in a certain way rather than just leading my life.

4. I Reacted Instead of Leading: When she pulled back, I leaned in, trying to fix things.

Women are like cats. They’re going to come and they’re going to go. So when she backed off, he became fearful. He fell under the illusion of action that I discussed in 3% Man. Then he tried to do things to fix it to get her more attracted or to get her re-attracted, and all he did was smother her and chase her, come off as needy, neurotic, over-pursued and like a dude that’s looking for an atta-boy because he didn’t get enough strokes from mom and dad as a kid. Women don’t want to be your mommy or your therapist. Even though they often say they want you to talk about your feelings, if you do that, it’s a trap. It’s not going to help your case.

Instead of giving space and walking away, I tried to manage the outcome.

Yeah, less really is more.

Metaphorically, what he basically did is the cat stopped purring, jumped out of his lap and he assumed something was wrong. Then he chased after the cat and grabbed it and forcefully put it back in his lap. At that point, the cat’s no longer purring, but he’s forcing it to stick around and be with him instead of giving it the freedom to come and go as it pleases. So that would make her feel smothered. It would make her feel like she’s losing her freedom. Remember, what did Thich Nhat Hanh say? “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” If you make a woman feel un-free, she’s going to flee from you. She’s going to run away.

Oh by the way, we have a little sleeping guest here. We have one of Rocky’s offspring. So this is one of his little baby girls. She kind of looks more like her mom and she’s really sweet. She’s about six weeks old now. Great baby girl. She whines and squeals like her mother. Especially when she’s in the playpen, she doesn’t like that. She likes to be close to the people. So she’s sitting down here, very chill. Rocky’s sitting here, very chill.

Hope you guys enjoyed that as much as we do because they’re a lot of fun!

What I’m Changing:

• Detach From Outcomes: If a woman pulls away, I won’t chase or justify.

Yeah, because if she pulls away, that’s just natural cat-like behavior. That’s what they do, but when you get upset, when you get perturbed, you get butt-hurt and then you start chasing back, you literally chase her out of your life. Again, it’s like the metaphor of the cat jumped out of your lap, and then you freak out and you start running after it. Cat’s going to get scared and it’s going to run away. It’s going to haul ass.

• Communicate From Strength: No more explaining or oversharing.

In other words, don’t make her your mommy or your therapist and talk about things that are going to have no effect or a negative effect on her attraction for you.

• Keep The Past in the Past: Women want to feel good, not hear about struggles.

Because if you don’t feel like you got your life together, or you’re fearful and afraid, that’s going to make her feel uncertain about you, because if you’re not certain, then that forces her to move into her masculine because you don’t seem to be very calm and centered. Remember, masculinity is calm.

• Control My Frame: I lead, I set the tone and I let women come to me.
• Date with Abundance: I invest in women who invest in me.

In other words, you slowly reciprocate. Just like when you’re on a date or you’re with a woman or with your woman, it’s better if you let her do the physical touch initiation. Like I was talking about with my client, even if you’re letting her do 100% of the reaching out, when you get together in person and you’re constantly touching her, you’re constantly trying to seduce her, you’re not really paying attention to her body language and you’re not noticing that she’s not open to being touched at the present time, you’re going to have problems. It’s a bad way to go.

Reading your book wasn’t enough. I needed to experience these mistakes to fully understand. I appreciate the insights and the wake-up call.

Best,

Bob

Yeah, because he thought things were going great. He thought he kind of knew the book well enough, but as he said, he really hadn’t had enough practice and probably definitely didn’t have enough grasp of the book. So when he became overwhelmed by his emotions, he didn’t know the book well enough. Then he just justified pursuing, chasing and oversharing because his attitude was, “Well, she’s with me, so she must like me,” but he wasn’t paying attention to that her interest was dropping while his was going up until it was too late. Once she’s gone and you get rejected, that sting of rejection, that pain, is what causes us to recognize that what we’re doing is sub-optimal, and we need to move in a different direction. So I hope you enjoyed that.

That was a good email. Thanks for the detail, because again, these are a lot of mistakes that are pretty common that I see in my phone sessions with guys. Usually they didn’t take the time to learn the book or they didn’t read the book enough, then they start dating a woman that knocked their socks off.

Like the late, great Doc Love used to say: “A beautiful woman is like Kryptonite to the average guy. She has the power to make him fall apart.” So if you don’t know the book well enough and you haven’t spent the time with it and then you start dating a woman that knocks your socks off and you get overwhelmed by your emotions, that’s when things typically will completely come apart. That seems to be partly what happened here. He didn’t have a good enough grasp of the book, and he justified his actions, even though many times it appears that he knew what he was doing was wrong or he shouldn’t do it, but he did it anyways because he talked himself into it. So as he talked himself into it, he kept doing it. It wasn’t until he lost her that when he looked back, he realized he knew what he had done.

So when you have that kind of a pain remember, people do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure, and now he’s got the pain of rejection. Now he can be better. I think it was Henry Ford that said this: “Failure is simply an opportunity to begin again more intelligently.” That’s something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.