Here’s why men become “impotent” sometimes, even though nothing’s physically or medically wrong, and how to turn it around.
When everything is going great in a guys life, he feels like he can accomplish anything. He feels like he is a force to be reckoned with. Life seems to bring one magical coincidence after another. Life seems like it’s effortless. However, when a man becomes unsure of himself, unsure of the future or fearful that things are not going to work out like he wants them to, he often will feel like he is impotent and unable to penetrate the barriers or perceived barriers that lay in his path. Mentally, if a man feels like he is impotent in life or that life is presently beating him down in some way, it can affect his sex drive and his ability to maintain an erection with his woman.
I spent almost 20 years of my life in the real estate, construction and mortgage industry. I went to college to get a bachelor of science degree in construction management, specifically so I could work in the construction and real estate industry, and know how to build and renovate homes and commercial real estate. It took me seven years to get my college degree. When I was in college, I worked in the construction industry during the day as a paid intern, and I tended bar on the weekends to make extra money. From the time I was 18, and decided on my career path, until the time I was 28 when I first started making six figures in annual income, I spent a decade of my life going to college, getting experience and figuring out the right kind of business model to employ in my company. By the time I was 35, I had achieved all of the goals and dreams I thought would take me most of my life to achieve. We tend to overestimate what we can accomplish in a year, but underestimate what we can accomplish in a decade.
At 35, I was happy and in love with an amazing woman! However, due to the skyrocketing home prices, and the fact that within a six-month period most of our clients who were first-time homebuyers, got priced right out of the market. I never saw that coming, or even imagined that such a thing could happen in such a short period of time. Internally, I was also changing. I was starting to lose the internal enthusiasm that I once had for the real estate, construction and mortgage industry. I had some really tough decisions to make. In order to remain profitable and in business, it would require changing my business model. So I asked myself if I really wanted to continue, or if there was something better and more emotionally compelling that I could do with my time, and the equity I had. I discovered that helping people, and becoming a full-time life coach was more emotionally compelling to me, than remaining in the real estate, construction and mortgage industry. So I decided to liquidate everything; both my houses, my second car, my jet skis, my boat, my furniture, and the office building I owned with my business partners.
It was a very difficult time for me. It was very stressful and full of uncertainty. I had spent almost 20 years of my life building what was now a very unstable business due to overnight changes in the market. This had never happened to me before. At times I felt impotent and unsure of myself. It definitely impacted my relationship, as well as my ability to perform in the bedroom. At times I felt weak and very unsure of the future. My girlfriend obviously felt like she could no longer satisfy me, and felt rejected at times. When I felt strong internally, sex was no problem. But when I felt unsure of myself and my future, I had a hard time keeping it up.
So what did I do? My girlfriend was great. Since our communication was outstanding, I focused on relaxing and enjoying the sensations of touch. My girlfriend became more aggressive towards me sexually, and in the bedroom. This helped tremendously, because it took the pressure off of me to perform. She focused on being more feminine and sexually tantalizing. I would be awakened in the mornings by my girlfriend giving me head. I would simply lay there enjoying the fact that my girlfriend made me feel like she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, or a golf ball through a garden house 🙂 She made me forget about the uncertainty in my future, and helped me stay in the moment so I can enjoy her, and the delicious sensations of making love! She focused on being more feminine and sexy. Most other women would move into their masculine, which would destroy the sexual polarity. She was great at being my joy and my sexual playmate. She was so loving and so supportive. She helped me get through it until I made the choice to become a full-time life coach. Once I made the choice to start a new career and leave the old behind, I still felt uncertain about my future, but I had an incredible feeling of excitement and new emotionally compelling goals that reinvigorated me.
The following is an e-mail from a coaching client of mine. Recently, he has been going through a difficult time emotionally. On top of that, his girlfriend has been texting and flirting with a male friend of hers who recently broke up with his girlfriend, and who is now trying to get into her pants. This has been affecting him and his performance in the bedroom. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
So things have been up and down with the girlfriend. There are a lot of things that aren’t perfect, but we both want to work on our relationship. (Actions speak louder than words.) The last couple days I have been stressed about a family issue in my life relating to money issues with one of my parents. It has been affecting my “performance” with my girlfriend. Yesterday and today, right in the middle, I just lost it. I am still totally in love with her and find her very attractive. This problem effects both of us. It makes her feel as though she can’t please me, (Of course it will make her feel like you are not really into her, because if you were this would not happen. She probably feels hurt and rejected when it happens. However, you obviously have some unresolved things in your relationship that are not making you feel safe and comfortable.) and it makes me feel like I am not fully a man. Is this normal?
(It happens when a man is feeling emotionally or mentally “impotent” about life. When he feels like he is unable to overcome challenges or fears that he might not have what it takes to resolve things in his life. Your girlfriend has a male friend who is constantly trying to get in her pants and does not respect the fact you are in a relationship with her. If deep down you are fearful things won’t work out between the two of you because of this other guy, you are letting your fears overwhelm you. Since the most important thing to a man in a relationship is loyalty, you may also feel like the end of your relationship is inevitable, so why try. If this issue of the other guy is still unresolved because deep down you don’t trust her since she is still texting him, then that can cause you to feel like you ain’t got what it takes to keep her in love with you. You simply may not feel her heart is true and really committed to you.)
What can I do to help this? (REAL & HONEST communication about the situation.) I feel like this could drive something between us. (Only if you let it.) This has made me feel very insecure, which doesn’t help the matter. (That’s understandable. Until you feel like this issue with the other guy is really resolved and she has put a stop to her texting with him, you more than likely are not going to feel safe and comfortable in the relationship because she is giving you too many reasons not to trust her. Tell her, “I don’t feel like you are really committed to us as long as you are constantly giving attention to another man instead of all of your attention to me. I don’t chase or text other women behind your back out of respect for you and our relationship, and if you want things to work out between us, then I need to see thru your actions that you mean what you say. Because right now I simply do not feel you are giving our relationship the same level of honesty, fidelity and trust as I am.” Ask her how she would feel if you were texting and flirting with other beautiful women behind her back?)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“We could never learn to be brave & patient, if there were only joys in the world.”-Helen Keller