Why Men Need Time Alone In Their Man Caves Without Female Interference

Why men need time alone in their man caves & women must let them be.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for about six months. She tends to be a little needy and gets upset with him when he asks for time alone to recharge and be in his man cave. She tends to take it personally and sometimes even drives over to his place in a panic when he wants to be alone which makes him resent her for it.

He asks how to fix this without her getting upset. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this is something that, more often than not, most guys are going to have to deal with, with their girlfriends or wives. As us guys, what makes this a little different from women is that when we have things that we’re trying to solve or a problem or an issue, we like to take time alone, be in our man cave, go hang out in the garage, do some things while we listen to some music or whatever, hanging out in the tool shed, or just in our man cave in the house, just contemplating, thinking about and coming up with solutions for things we may be challenged with. Women, on the other hand, when they’ve got something that they’re trying to work through, they tend to want to talk about it, share and emote. Oftentimes they have a hard time with the fact that we just want to be alone. They often will try to get us to talk because they think that often we’re like they are.

In this particular email, this guy’s with his girlfriend for about six months and after they spent a bunch of time together, he’s like, “I just need some space. I need some time to recharge.” He should be using different words because when you say you need space to somebody, that makes them think that they’re being smothered or they’re smothering you and you don’t want to be around them. So his girlfriend tends to take this personally. She gets in a panic, hops in her car and drives over to his house to confront him about it. He just wants time to chill out and be alone. So he’s like, “How do I handle this? How do I remain centered?” Because it’s pretty clear his girlfriend is a little needy, a little insecure and she takes this personally as if it has something to do with her.

If your woman tends to get this way when you just want time to chill, be alone or do something without her, you got to be able to explain, “Honey, you gotta understand. Us guys are a little different when at least once or twice a week, we just maybe need an afternoon or a whole day to ourselves to go through, review the week, contemplate things that were challenged with, and then figure out a solution and then implement it. It has nothing to do with you, but when we asked for time to be alone in our man cave, you got to respect that. If you keep trying to interject yourself into our time alone in our man cave, we’re going to get upset with you. We’re going to get annoyed with you. This shouldn’t be something that you take personally, much in the same way that more often than not, us guys tend to give advice when you really just want us to listen and be a sounding board. So you got to understand there are the fundamental differences between men and women. We need to respect each other and give each other the space that we need to work through whatever it is that we’re working through without getting upset or taking it personally. This is just something us guys need.”

Again, I would not be saying, “Hey, I need some space.” I would just say, “Hey, I need some time alone in my man cave. I got a lot of stuff on my mind.” “Well, let’s talk about it.” “No, honey. This has nothing to do with you. This is just a man’s process, and you got to let me have my process without you. Taking it personally has nothing to do with you whatsoever. It’s just the way we are. We have a process that we go through internally and mentally with quiet time, doing things, working on our car, whatever happens to be, doing things in the garage, the tool shed or a man cave in the house, we got a nice little bar or whatever, and we just want to hang out. We just gotta have the space and time alone to do that. Away from the girl, away from our kids, just so we can do our thing.” Women need to respect that and not take it personally. It’s just a fact of life. Things would be a lot easier if they do that.

So with that little diatribe in mind, let’s go through this guy’s email because it’s a pretty common problem. If you don’t address it properly, the woman’s going to feel rejected and the guy’s going to get annoyed. Like, “Man, I can’t ever get any time alone because she’s always all over my ass.” If you are applying what’s in 3% Man, your girl should be stuck to you like white on rice. Again, there are times where you just need to go do your own thing and she needs to be cool with that and not take it personally.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been following your work for a while and really respect your perspective on maintaining masculine presence and not losing yourself in relationships.

Well, if you don’t get time and space away just to think about things and have time in your man cave, you’re going to feel like you’re losing yourself in a relationship. Especially if you don’t allow yourself to have that time in the man cave because you’re worried about upsetting your girl, her getting annoyed with you about it, or taking it personally. So it’s important that you give yourself this time to contemplate.

I wanted to get your take on a situation I’m navigating.

I’ve been in and out of relationships essentially my entire adult life. I got out of a three-year relationship seven months ago and fairly quickly met a woman who really knocked my socks off. We’ve now been seeing each other for about six months. I’ve led the interaction from the beginning-planning dates, taking her on a week-long Europe trip, being intentional with quality time, and building a strong emotional and physical connection.

That said, I’m starting to notice some patterns that I’m trying to interpret correctly.
She tends to want a high level of consistent connection. Things like long daily phone calls…

That’s just something I’m not going to do. It’s like, “Babe, if you want to talk, come over and let’s talk about it. I want to sit on the phone all fucking day or texting all throughout the day 24/7. That’s just not me. Women that require that, maybe I’m not the right guy for you, but if you want to talk, let’s do it in person. I don’t want to sit on a three-hour phone call.” I mean, there are times you get a Facetime call and she’s just going to be walking through the house doing her thing, sharing things, talking, and you’re happy to do that, but when she requires you to do it like every single day, that gets ridiculous. You want to be able to do this stuff in person. If you guys are in a long-term relationship, usually she’s going to be with you anyways at night, whether you’re at your place or you’re at hers.

…Frequent time together, and reassurance through actions (For example, wanting me to repost her on social media or questioning why I don’t).

Like me personally, my social media is strictly. I use it for marketing and for business. I’m a very private person. I don’t need any validation from the internet or through other people that know me. I never, ever post anything personal on the internet because it’s nobody’s business. At the end of the day, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. If your girl’s like, “Why don’t you ever post me?” He’s like, “Because it’s not my thing. I don’t care about it. I don’t need it. I don’t derive any value from it.” Again, in my case, it’s just something I use for business.

So if you expect me to be gushing and posting pictures, it’s like, who am I posting those for? For other people go, “Oh, look how happy they are?” Most of those people that are presenting an image on social media of how great their lives are, are trying to make up for the fact that their lives suck and they’re not happy, but they’re trying to give everybody the impression that, “Hey, look at me. Look where I’m traveling to. Look how awesome I am. Look at this meal I’m about to consume at this nice, expensive restaurant. Oh, how important I am.”

It’s like, nobody gives a fuck. Don’t be looking for attention and validation from the internet with pictures of your food or whatever. If your girl wants to post those things, great. If she complains that you don’t do it and you’re not a social media guy, don’t jump through your butt to please her. If you feel something needs to be on your social media, “Here’s my phone babe. Post away on my Instagram account. I don’t give a shit. It’s not important to me.”

There have also been moments where if I don’t meet that expectation, she becomes emotional or says things like she feels like she has to “beg to see me,” or that it’s taking the joy out of what we have.

Again, she’s taking your time alone personally, and that’s where you say, “Baby, I love you, but you gotta understand how us guys are. We have a thing called a man cave and that’s a real deal. We work through our problems or things that are going on in our lives. We just want peace and quiet. We want to be able to listen to some music without any eruptions from my lovely girl, or our kids, or our dogs or whatever it happens to be. We just need that time and space away to think about life, to think about things that are going on. We don’t talk about it in a way that women typically do, so you have to respect that. If you get upset about me wanting time alone, my man cave, I’m going to resent you for it. I’m sure you don’t want me to resent you for it. You just got to let me have that. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just a man’s process, and you got to become OK with that.” So you have to tell her, in a very matter of fact way, that this is something that all guys need and they need to chill out. It’s not about them.

On my side, I genuinely care about her and enjoy being with her, but I also notice I need space to stay grounded, focused on my work, and feel like myself. After travel or intense time together, I naturally want a day or two to reset. When I try to take that space, it sometimes escalates into her feeling insecure or questioning things. A recent example: After a long trip together and a stressful workday, I showed up a bit off energetically for a planned dinner.

She’s probably saying, “Honey, what’s going on?” And he’s like, “I just got a lot on my mind.” “Oh, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about your feelings.” It’s like, “No, I just I got some things that are going on in the back of my mind that I want to work through.” This also tells me probably in this case, maybe he committed to a date or to spend time with her when he really needed time alone to recharge because he’s doing it to please her. So he shows up instead of being present, he’s irritated because already he feels like he’s having to give her more time than he really wants to give her, because he really wants to just be alone and hang out in his man cave.

So that’s partly his fault for just saying, “Honey, I just need a day to recharge my batteries and got a lot of things I want to catch up on. I want to take some time to have a nice whiskey or a glass of wine and contemplate on all these things and these balls in the air that I got going on and think about my stock portfolio, whatever it happens to be, this problem I’m having with somebody at work, one of my employees or whatever happens to be. Just got to let me do my thing and I’ll be recharged. Then tomorrow or later this evening, I can give you 100% of my undivided attention.” So you should be able to just say, “Babe, I need time in my man cave. Just let me be. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to come out and play again.” She’s got to respect that.

Now, the other thing to keep in mind is women that don’t respect their fathers, are used to walking all over them, nagging them and giving them a hard time, when you try to do this with them, they’re going to probably give you a hard time, because if they don’t respect their fathers, they typically don’t respect men in general. Sometimes you might have to be a little firmer with them, especially because it’s kind of what it looks like here. I think he mentioned that about his girl kind that doesn’t respect her father. Therefore, when he wants time alone, she gets irritated and takes it personally. That shit’s got to stop.

We recovered and had a great time, but later the conversation shifted into past relationships, which seemed to change the tone again.

So it’s like why, after six months, are you having to talk about past relationships? Is she bringing it up in a way of like, “Well, my ex-boyfriend used to do this and used to do that. You’re not doing this and you’re not doing that. He used to do it.” That’s not something you want to have to listen to. It’s like, “Baby, you can’t compare me to an ex or somebody that did you wrong in the past. It’s not fair to judge me through the lens of some ghost of a boyfriend’s past.”

Another example was her driving to my place unexpectedly when I said I needed a night to recharge, she was looking for closeness, while I felt overwhelmed.

So she just drove over, because she’s probably taking it as a personal rejection, probably because mommy and daddy didn’t hug her and say “I love you” enough. So she takes it personally.

When you just want to be alone, especially if you’re using the terms like, “Hey babe, I just need some space. I need some time alone to recharge,” she’s going to think, “Oh, he’s upset with me. He’s not happy. Oh, must have done something. Let’s work on it. Let’s talk. Let’s discuss.” He says, “Babe, this has nothing to do with you. It’s just I’m a man. This is my process. This is how we are. I just need an evening alone to get caught up on some things, and you got to be OK with that. Go hang out with your girlfriends. Go see your mother. Go hang out with your dad. You got to let me be in my man cave. Don’t interrupt me, because if you try to interrupt me and interject yourself into this process, it’s going to piss me off and irritate me. I just need to go through this. Then once I’ve done it, I’ll be right as rain and I can give you 100% my undivided attention.”

I’m trying to walk the line between:

• Leading and being present as a man
.
• Not over-accommodating or losing my independence.


Again, if you’re getting together and you allow her to pressure you into spending time with her when you really just want to chill and be alone, that’s people pleasing behavior. In other words, “I don’t want to upset her or her to take it personally.” Like, tough titty. “I need time alone. We just spent a whole week together traveling. I got to get caught up. I got things I got to work through. I got to go through my emails.” Whatever happens to be.

• Handling emotional moments without getting pulled off center
.

Well, the important thing is standing up for yourself and being honest, brutally honest if you need to be about where you’re at and this has nothing to do with her. It just has to do with a man’s process of the man cave. This is very important. You got to teach your girls about the concept of the man cave. It is a real thing. If we’re not allowed, if we want to be alone in our man cave unmolested by anyone or anything, we have to have that. If you try to interrupt that process, we’re going to get fucking pissed off and we’re going to resent you for it. Obviously we don’t think you want us to resent you. “So let me do my thing.”

My question is, how do you maintain a strong masculine presence and set healthy boundaries around space and communication without making a woman feel rejected or like she’s chasing your attention?

Well, you got to explain to her, just like I have been throughout this video, this is just a guy’s process. This has nothing to do with her. Everything’s great in the relationship. It’s just now you want to press time out and be alone so you can really think. That’s important. “When we’ve had that time, I’ll be back and I can give you my undivided attention.”

And at what point do these kinds of patterns indicate a mismatch versus something that can be balanced out?

Well again, if she respects her father and you tell her, “I just need time in my man cave,” she’ll respect that. If she doesn’t respect her father, you’re going to have a little bit of a harder time with it. So you just have to impress upon her. Again, this is something that all guys need. It’s called being alone in the man cave. Whether it’s her, her mother or somebody else is trying to interrupt us when we’re in a man cave, we’re just like, “Leave me the fuck alone.” We get like that sometimes, so don’t take it personally. Just let us have our freedom to do our thing and our man cave. We’ll be happy in a little while.

Context on her family background: She has a somewhat controlling and overpowering mom…

So that’s where you’re going to get it from. So if mom’s controlling and overpowering, when you tell your girlfriend, who’s raised by an overpowering mom, that you just need time in your man cave, she’s used to bullying and getting her way because that’s what mom taught her, and dad let her get away with it.

…That doesn’t respect certain boundaries with her kids. She completely runs the house, and her dad essentially just works to provide and doesn’t speak up for himself.

So that’s part of the problem. She’s used to a beta male dad that gets walked all over and told what to do by the mom. So when you say, “I need time alone in my man cave, her natural go-to is to bully you in the same way her mother bullies her dad. So that’s the important thing to understand about how that’s going to influence her. You can come right out and say, “Look, you can’t treat me the way your mother treats your dad. That shit don’t fly in this house. Just because your dad takes it like a beat-down dog, don’t expect me to put up with that crap. When I say I want some time alone in my man cave, you got to respect that. Don’t badger, nag me and complain, ‘Oh, you don’t spend enough time together.’ I got to do this. I just have to. If you want to piss me off, keep trying to inject yourself into my man cave time.”

I’ve witnessed her do things like talk down to him after making a wrong turn at an airport.

So again, if they don’t respect the father because he’s a beat-down dog, she grew up in this environment and has spent multiple decades in this environment, these are her unreasonable expectations towards men. She’s going to expect you to act just like her father because that was the example that was set at home. So you need to impress upon her, in a nice way, to back the fuck off.

I want to do this right, but also stay true to myself.

Appreciate any guidance you can share.

Best,

Bob

Well, like I said, if you do that again, you might have a little more difficult time than the average guy just because of your girlfriend’s background and how she was raised. She’s got to know that she can’t be stepping on your nuts when you tell her this. When daddy says, “This is the law of the land, this is how we’re operating,” she needs to say, “Yes, daddy.” Not, “Let me nag daddy and annoy him like my mother does my father.” That ain’t going to work. That dog won’t hunt.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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