Why men should not be focused on a relationship commitment and what to focus on instead.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers who claim to be avid students of my work. They are both obsessed with and focused on a relationship commitment and locking their women down to a potential future marriage before they are ready.
This is the opposite of what 3% Man, teaches and predictably, this is causing their women to back off and lose attraction because they are basically acting like insecure women, instead of men who are the prize to be won over to marry them. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
Again, these guys say they’re avid students of my work, but yet they’re doing something that literally is the opposite of what I teach and they’re not getting good results. So they shouldn’t be surprised when you violate the principles in the book. You’re going to have problems. So let’s see what we can do to help these guys take corrective action.
First Viewer’s Email:
Thank you for all your help thus far. I am constantly telling guys to read 3% Man and I have been a student of yours for 2 years. I have read your book probably 10 times and watch videos fairly consistently.
Well, I say 10-15 times by the way, so it’s great that you got to 10, but the fact that you’re writing me an email asking me how to lock this girl down tells me that you still don’t understand the principles and the fundamentals in the book.
This is a mindset issue really. If you got the wrong mindset, you’re going to be doing things, you’re going to be saying things, the tone of your voice is going to be off, the vibe that you’re going to be giving is going to be off and you’re going to be out of your masculine energy and more in your feminine energy. That’s why it is repulsive when you act like a chick to women that they get turned off and they lose attraction for you.
I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. We are both in our mid-late 20’s and contrary to all my other relationships, I have done a great job of allowing her to pursue me.
So we know he always has had the problem in the past of chasing and pursuing too much and literally chasing the women out of his life. This is pretty much a common theme. You read my book. I used to do it too, and I didn’t know any better. When you’re trying to overcome that, it helps to have a year of a relationship of letting the woman come to you and pursue you.
The longer you’re together, and especially like in this case, maybe this guy read the book 10 times a couple of years ago, but he hasn’t been through it in the past year because he believes or he’s at least he’s convinced himself that he’s got it all figured out. Yet he’s writing me an email about a topic that quite frankly, he should not be writing about.
He should understand this concept. Again, he’s been in a relationship for a year and guys tend to slowly go back to sleep and go back to their old ways and old programming if they’re not constantly reviewing the book at least once or twice a year and trying to implement it and make sure they’re sticking to the principles.
About one month in, I had to take a step back and let her pursue me after saying I was looking for a serious relationship…
So one month in, again he starts violating the principles right away. Remember, this is a guy who claimed he read the book 10 times, and yet he’s doing something that’s the exact opposite. I mean, one month in and he’s talking about a serious relationship. That’s a no no. Almost 100% of the time when a guy is bringing that up, they’re bringing it up in a time when they’re feeling it, but the girl is not.
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. When a guy starts smothering a girl a month in to dating and talking about a serious relationship, they always back off because it’s too much, too soon. Her feelings are simply not there yet. It takes much longer for women to fall in love and want a commitment and want a relationship than men.
Us guys, we see a girl and we think, “Oh, this is my dream girl,” and they’re already thinking about, “What our kids are going to look like, how wonderful our lives are going to be, what a great wedding we’re going to have,” or whatever it happens to be. So we’re living in La-La Land and living in the future that doesn’t even exist yet, so we’re creating a reality that’s not based on reality.
Other than that she has done most of the pursuing. Things have been so easy since then allowing her to ask me to be exclusive and letting her bring up the future and marriage. Things have progressed quickly but naturally. This is the type of relationship I have always looked for and this is largely because of you!
But obviously you’re still struggling with the same programming and undoing the same unattractive behaviors that got you rejected in the past. Therefore, your natural tendency is to go back once you’re comfortable, back to the way you used to be, because you spent your whole life being that way. You’ve had basically two years of studying my work and starting to think differently and develop that mindset, but it takes time. It takes time to develop that emotional muscle.
Recently, the topic of marriage has come up a few times from her, then a few times from her friends and family, and then I started to bring it up (eek).
Again, he’s bringing it up. What happens is the power starts to flip, and typically the girl brings it up a lot and then maybe she stops bringing it up. Then he notices she’s no longer bringing it up, then he starts bringing it up. Then he doesn’t recognize the fact that her interest has dropped. It’s only a year in dude. What is the rush? Again, this has always been his problem, over pursuing and smothering a girl and trying to lock her down. He’s got to resist that natural tendency.
Her friends and family constantly tell her that I am the one she is going to be with.
At the end of the day, that’s really nice and it looks great on a greeting card, but it doesn’t mean jack shit to your relationship. It doesn’t have any effect on your girlfriend’s interest in you or her feelings towards you.
Women don’t care that their whole family loves you and thinks that you should be the one to marry her. They only care about how they feel about you, and that’s what you’re kind of ignoring and neglecting here is, where is she at today? Not where are you at, and where is her family at. Where is she at? Because she’s the one that matters. She’s the one that decides. Women are the ones that do the choosing, and you can ignore that at your peril.
After this and a few attended weddings, I started to bring the topic up.
Again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches, and you claim to be an avid student. You did it in the very beginning of the relationship, and here you are barely a year in later, you’re still doing it.
Then I noticed her pull back…
Yeah, because you’re acting like a woman.
…Not bring it up anymore, and seem scared it’s moving too fast.
Yeah, because now the vibe has changed. The power is flipped, and you’re now acting like an insecure girl, trying to lock your girlfriend down to a commitment. So you’re no longer acting like a man. You’re no longer acting like the prize that she’s trying to win over.
Just like the movie It’s A Wonderful Life, George Bailey’s character is resistant the whole movie, right up until he agrees to get married and live happily ever after, and she’s always been planning it.
The one thing that was consistent with that movie, It’s A Wonderful Life, which was made 1946, Frank Capra was the director, great movie, but he was consistently, “I don’t want this,” and Donna Reed’s character is constantly trying to convince him why he should.
There was never a point where he vacillated and started acting like a chick and chasing her all over town, but that’s what this guy is doing here. He’s now vacillating between acting like a man and letting her bring it up. Now that he’s noticed that she’s backed off and lost interest, because he’s brought it up once again, now he feels the urge to pursue and try to force things because she’s no longer bringing it up.
Since she stopped bringing it up, what does that tell you about her interest today? Today, she’s not thinking about marrying you. She’s not feeling like she wants to marry you today. That’s the only thing that matters. It doesn’t matter again how much you like her or your family likes her. You need to knock this shit off dude. It’s not helping you.
I started to get excited about the whole idea but ultimately know this has to be her idea. Not mine, and other friends or family. I have given her some space to pursue me and have taken more time to focus on my mission, friends, and passions but I would love some additional guidance to fix my misstep.
Thanks a million. You have dramatically changed my life for the better!
Apply what’s in the book. Read it. Read it again, because it’s obvious it’s not sunk in yet. It is good that you have recognized that you’re turning her off and driving her away now that you started pursuing her again. How that also shows up, that means you’re calling more, you’re texting more, you’re putting more effort into it. She can feel that instead of just letting her come to you, because at this point in the relationship, she should be doing 95-100% of the pursuing.
What’s probably happened is he started calling and texting more once he felt that she backed off and is no longer bringing it up because now he’s worried that she’s not going to want to marry him. Again really, your job dude is just to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun, to hook up.
You should be more like George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life. The last thing he wants to do is get married. He’s putting it off until finally he’s like, “OK, let’s do this,” and that should be your attitude. What’s happened here is the power is flipped. You went from being the pursued to now the pursuer, which is always your problem. Always has been your problem.
Get back to the basics. Listen to the audio book on two-speed and follow along in a digital or a physical copy, and you can get through the book in four hours. It’s pretty easy. You need to review dude, because you are flailing.
Second Viewer’s Email:
My name is Bob. I’m 31 years old good looking banker from Singapore with a compelling career and making a decent chunk of change for my age (multiple 100’s per year).
I came across your work at the beginning of this year and it has become a way of life for me. Your teachings and life philosophy are revolutionary and it’s my honour to thank you personally for your work.
You’re welcome, but the most important thing is that you implement it correctly so you can get to the point where you don’t need the coach anymore. You can be totally self reliant.
I’m a serious student- having read 3% Man 10 times (with highlights), Mastering Yourself once and am halfway through the quotes book. I watch your videos every day to maintain my center and have hugged your book to sleep and thanked you in my mind several times when things played out exactly as you say they would. I resonate with a lot of your life stories.
Yeah, that’s why so many guys read this and you’re like, “Man, I did the same thing,” because us guys, we’ve all had the same experience. When you beat your head against the wall enough, you learn. You start to recognize patterns.
Here’s my situation:
My 4-year marriage (10 year relationship) was on the rocks since last year. Similar to you, I believe I settled for a really good girl when I was young, but not someone who knocks my socks off.
I initiated the divorce conversation wanting something more from my life. We are separated and divorce process has started (one of the hardest things in my life but a story for another day.)
Yeah, divorce sucks. It’s not fun. I don’t recommend it for anybody, and I certainly wouldn’t want to go through that again. I was only married for a year, but dealing with attorneys and trying to get divorced in the state and everything and dealing with court? It’s a waste of money and it’s a bunch of vampires.
In February, I met a girl who knocks my socks off physically and that I really click with emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
The feelings are mutual, and if I underrate her attraction, I would say it hovers around a 7-8 when we are apart and 9 when we are together.
Well, I can already tell right from that you’re not underrating it, you’re overrating it. If you’re saying, “Well, it’s a nine when we’re together,” nine means she’s in love with you and wanting to get married and wanting to settle down. So right off the bat, that tells me that even though you think you got it, you don’t dude. You’re totally overrating her interest. Especially as you get further in the email, you’ll tell she’s not in the same place he is.
She tells me she loves me and I’m the best man she’s ever known every day. Reaches out multiple times a day (doing 90-100% of the reaching out). She can’t keep her hands off me when we are together, and she talks about our long-term future starting a family together often.
That’s all nice. That’s all beautiful. It’s all well and good. Sounds good, but what are her actions tell us?
The problem is she lives in Europe. I met her on holiday when she was in Singapore. We’ve traveled to 4 countries together since then with a 5th planned. I always take the lead and plan romantic fun filled sex-laden adventures. She’s a former international model, now 26 years old and she gets solicited by men everywhere, online, on the street, hotels, restaurants, etc. She gets a lot of attention from extremely wealthy older men.
Whatever. The important thing is, is she loyal to you? Does she tell you about the attention that she gets? Most importantly, is she inviting attention from other guys? Or is she letting them know, “I’m very happy. I’m taken?” That’s the important thing.
That’s part of the vetting process. You don’t know what her character is like. I mean, in this case, they’re long distance, so there’s a lot of time where they don’t see each other.
I am keen to make a convergence plan for us to be in the same country and start living together…
Remember, we’re in August. He started dating her in February, so he’s six months in and he’s already convinced, “This is the girl for me.” You’re long distance bro. You don’t know that. You’re not even in the same ballpark yet where you can even be considering these things. This is absurd.
…And have communicated that is my desire to her several times.
Several times. Again, you claim to be an avid student. That is not what the book teaches bro, and there’s a reason for it. The more you bring it up, the more she’s going to dig your heels in and become independent, because you’re acting like a woman. You’re focused on locking her down to a commitment and you’re barely six months in. It’s just way too much, too soon.
We both agree that she needs to be the one to move to my country. However, she has been using the fact that my divorce is not final (it’s going through the courts and should be done in 3-4 months) as a reason not to set a definitive month for her to move.
Well, that’s understandable, but dude you’re barely six months in. It’s like, slow your fucking roll here. What is the rush?
She says that she’s taking this time to organize her own life- Buy an apartment in Europe (which was something she wanted to do since before she met me)…
Well, the important thing you’re ignoring is that she’s not buying a home near you. She’s buying a home in Europe. If you take a step back and look at it objectively, these are not the actions of a woman who looks like she’s getting ready to move to Singapore or who’s even thinking about it. If she’s focused on buying a house in Europe where she lives, her actions show you that she is still planning her life in Europe without you.
It doesn’t matter what she says. You’re believing all the words and the flowery language and you’re taking it as, “Oh, she’s ready to get married and live happily ever after.” Like, dude, she’s going to buy a house without you in Europe where she lives. Those are not the actions of a woman going, “Yeah, I may be moving in six months.” That’s a woman whose actions are, “I’m not going anywhere.”
…And save money from a good job she has working for an extremely wealthy British man in real estate.
She says that because she is the one moving, she is risking a lot…
Which is true.
…And those things, and the time would help her feel more secure.
Well, it’s understandable that she is definitely risking a lot. The fact that you’re obsessing over it and you’re constantly bringing it up? Again, you’re looking at your interest in her and you’re totally ignoring the fact that this woman is buying a house in Europe.
If we look at her actions, it shows she’s becoming more firmly anchored in Europe. It’d be different if she was putting her house in the market to sell, but she doesn’t own a house. She’s thinking about buying a house to anchor herself there.
Our relationship is constrained to holidays together every 3-4 months.
On top of that, you’re only seeing each other once a quarter. So if you’re only seeing each other every 3-4 months… He says he’s organized five trips, or he’s had four trips together. He’s only been seeing her since February. That’s six months. So if you’ve organized four trips, but you’re only seeing each other every 3-4 months? That doesn’t make sense. So something ain’t right with what you sent in.
I would only be fine with this arrangement if we actually have a plan (with a timeline) to be together.
This is the opposite of what the book teaches dude. The way you really should be looking at this is, this is one of the girls that you’re dating. It would be much better for you if you met a girl in Singapore, that’s maybe 10-15 minutes away, instead of a chick that lives in the UK.
It’s obvious through her actions that she’s becoming more rooted and stuck in Europe instead of making arrangements and plans to be with you. So from her actions, obviously she cares, but something’s not jiving with what you’ve told me.
You told me you’ve been together four times, but you’ve only been seeing each other since February. Yet you only get together every 3-4 months. Well, you’ve been seeing her six months total, so your numbers don’t add up with what you’re sharing here.
I’m practicing with women locally as you recommend, having been out of the scene for a while. However, with regard to this relationship, what should I do?
Create the next opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun, to hook up. Stop bringing up your future and stop trying to lock her down and look at this objectively.
Just say, “You’re buying a house in Europe. Your actions are not the actions of a woman that’s planning on moving to Singapore. So let’s just slow things down, take it casual and see how it goes.” That’s what you should be doing.
You should continue to date other people in Singapore because quite frankly, you’re still married to another woman, you still have a wife, so you can understand her hesitancy. So you should get divorced first.
I mean, you’re not even divorced yet, and you’re already thinking about marrying another girl. I mean, this is just ridiculous. It’s six months dude, and she’s long distance, and you don’t spend a lot of time together obviously. You don’t know what you don’t know. It’s going to take you years, probably 2 or 3 years of dating like this to really kind of get to know what she’s like, and six months in, you’re focused on marrying her? It’s way too much bro.
Frankly I want to settle down with her…
There’s no way you can make that determination based upon the fact you’ve only hung out with her a handful of times. That’s just ridiculous.
…And I believe we could work long-term…
You haven’t spent enough time. There’s no way you can know. Plus, you’re long distance. It’s ridiculous.
…But how do I get her to align on a convergence plan and make the leap of leaving everything behind to come and be with me?
Simple. Just create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up.
She has to be the one to bring it up. She has to be the one to say, “Where is this going?” She has to be the one to say, “I really wish we could be together more.” “Well, you said you wanted to move to Singapore eventually, but you just bought this house in Europe. So your actions tell me that you’re planning on staying in Europe and doing the long distance thing with me. So if that’s the case, then obviously we’re not growing closer together. We’re just kind of maintaining the status quo.”
I don’t want to fall into the trap of just being the guy she gets attention and validation from online and who plans really cool holidays every 3-4 months.
Your help is appreciated. Keep up the good work.
Well, congratulations. That’s really what you are.
You cannot force yourself into her life. You cannot force her to want to be with you. You have to let women come to you at their pace. You’re ignoring the fact that her actions and her words don’t really match and you’re just not seeing the relationship as it really is. Again, if you’re only seeing her every 3-4 months, if you’re going that long without seeing each other, each time you get together, it’s like starting over again. She’s going to be kind of cold and distant. It doesn’t matter what she’s saying on the phone, you just haven’t been together physically in person for 3 or 4 months at a time.
If you’re only seeing each other every 3-4 months, you basically got together twice, maybe three times, so far. Like I said, the numbers you put in your email did not line up. They don’t jive. So something’s off here. Maybe you’re trying to BS or embellish things a little bit, but the fact that you’re bringing this up and you’re obsessed about it, it’s like you’re already convinced that she’s the girl for you and you’re not even divorced yet, which is ridiculous.
If you look at her actions, her mindset and based on what she said and what she’s doing, she’s like, “We are way far away from ever being at the point where we can discuss this seriously.” The most important thing is how she feels about you. The bottom line is she ain’t feeling it yet. So knock it off because it’s not going to help you.
I’ll tell the same thing that I told the first guy, you need to get back in here and read the book again 10-15 times for a reason, because you’ve basically thrown the book out the window at this point and you’re trying to do it your way and you’re trying to twist her arm into a commitment and it’s not going to work. It’s going to blow up in your face and she’s going to bounce from you.
So you’re really just a guy that she’s casually seeing every 3-4 months. You should both be dating other people. I wouldn’t be putting all my eggs in one basket. That’s just ridiculous at this point.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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