Why Men Who Understand Women Get More Sex Than They Want Or Need

The real reasons why men want sex more than women & how to fix it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30-year-old viewer who has been a student of my work for about seven years. He has been with his girlfriend for about four years. She recently told him he needs to propose soon, or she will break up with him and start her search again.

She is everything on his list and comes from a good family. She is loyal and also wants children and a family. However, he is unsure. She’s not as horny as his ex, doesn’t dress sexy often enough and she sometimes turns him down for sex. He wants it more than her. He’s therefore, not fulfilled in the bedroom. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular guy, he’s a 30-year-old student of my work, and he’s been following me for about seven years. He first came across my work after he broke up with his ex of four years from college. I guess she got drunk and cheated on him, so he dumped her and he started reading 3% Man. He says that he’s read a total of eight times so far in seven years. Remember, 10-15 times, I say it all the time.

So he’s been with this particular woman for about four years. He says they have a great relationship, she’s loyal, she comes from a good family, they have sex three to five times a week. Just recently she said, “Hey, where’s this going?” Because they’ve been together, I guess, about four years now, and she wants a definite answer soon on whether or not he’s going to propose and if he’s not down to get married, she says she’s going to break up with him and restart her search for a future husband. So he’s like, “Man, there’s been a lot of downsides to getting married. I want to be sure before I propose.

What he’s complaining about is that he doesn’t have enough sexual chemistry, he’s getting rejected by her, sometimes when he wants sex, she doesn’t dress very sexy very often. So the sex is just not there. The reality is, if you’re applying what’s in the book properly, which obviously this guy is not, because again, he only read the book eight times and seven, eight years he’s been following me. It’s probably been a long time since he read it, because again, he was one of those guys that, “Oh, I got this. Piece of cake. Girlfriend’s crazy about me. She asked me to be her boyfriend,” blah blah, blah.

The bottom line is, he’s getting rejected. If you’re doing things right, if your girl is feeling heard and understood, she’s a normal, healthy girl, you’re dating and courting her properly and romancing her and the love story is continuing, because women want to be in a love story, she’s going to be wanting more sex from you than you want or need. If you’re the opposite, where you want more sex from your girlfriend or your wife than she does and you’re getting rejected, then you’re doing it wrong.

I can 100% say that this is the guy’s fault. He’s hesitant about getting married because he’s getting rejected for sex, but if he was properly applying what’s in the book, he would be wanting a break from sex, he would be turning his girlfriend down sometimes, and that is just simply not his reality. What this tells me is that she doesn’t feel heard and understood, and he’s probably not been dating and courting her properly is a big part of the reason why she’s just she’s not into it. She’s not feeling it. On top of that, she doesn’t feel very beautiful and she doesn’t feel sexy. That’s why she’s not wearing these things.

When a woman feels happy, she feels in love, she feels beautiful, she feels sexy, she takes care of herself, she wears makeup, she wears nice, sexy, tight fitting outfits, she wants to look good for her man. When she doesn’t feel beautiful, she doesn’t really give a shit, she doesn’t do those things. That’s just a fact of life.

Again, assuming it’s a normal, healthy woman, which it appears from everything he shared here that she is. The problem is, is that he’s wanting sex and getting rejected. Any men who are getting rejected from having the sex that they want, that tells me that they’re not dating and courting her properly, and she doesn’t feel heard and understood because again, this is just a fact of life. When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she does, her legs close. So she doesn’t feel heard and understood, she doesn’t feel beautiful, she doesn’t feel sexy, she doesn’t feel desired. Therefore, she doesn’t want to sleep with him, so it’s understandable why he’d be going, “Why do I even want to marry this girl?”

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Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I’m a 30-year-old student of your work since about seven years ago, when I broke up with my ex of 4 years from college. She had gotten too drunk, slept with another guy, and I dumped her. I started reading 3% Man (+audiobook), total of eight times so far.

Well, if I was a betting man, I’d probably say he probably hasn’t read it since four years ago, so he’s probably completely forgotten most of it and gotten completely off track. Again, things are so good. You’ll see things are really good in the beginning. So that tells me his game was tight until she fell in love. Then he’s just like, “Oh, I got this. I don’t need to read this 10 to 15 times. I’m special. I don’t need to follow your instructions, Corey. I know what I’m doing.”

I’m a surgeon in training, and I had been dating various women until I met my current girlfriend two years after my breakup. She was everything on my list. She did 90% of the chasing and locked me down in three months.

Well, typically it’s about a week to week six, seven. When they do that, it took three months, so that tells me your game was not super tight.

It felt effortless, and we barely argue.

Well, men who understand women don’t argue with them. If you’re arguing, that tells me you’re not communicating properly.

We have dated for four years. Months ago, she asked me, “Where is this going?” And if marriage is in our future. I said to take it slow and see where it goes. Last week, she told me she wanted a definite answer soon about plans to propose, or she will break up with me and restart her search. I see marriage having many downsides…

Well, you should definitely talk to an attorney in your country, your city, wherever you happen to live, and find out what the legal downside risk is. I would argue that if you’re going to get married, that you don’t involve the state, that you have some kind of a business agreement for any property that you own or businesses that you start and come up with some kind of agreement, whether it’s a prenuptial or something like that, because again, anytime you involve a state, the stickier and the more difficult it’s going to become and the more unpleasant it’s going to become, and the more expensive it’s going to become if it doesn’t work out.

…And want to be sure before I propose.

That’s smart.

We share the same values, and we want children. She’s loyal, comes from a good family. I can see myself married to her, but I still feel unsure. 

Well, here’s here’s the only thing that really matters on whether or not this is the woman for you. Do you see her as the mother of your children? Do you want her to be the mother of your children? The second one is, do you want to co-parent your children with her family because her parents, aunts and uncles are going to be the grandparents and the aunts and uncles? If you don’t like her family, you don’t agree with the family’s parenting style, it’s probably not a good idea to have children with that particular woman. If you love her family and you would be honored to have her parents as grandparents of your children together, and the aunts and uncles and the family are really cool, that’s all it really matters. If the answer is no to that, then that’s a non-starter. You should not be marrying somebody whose family you don’t like, and you don’t want them to have anything to do with helping a co-parent or raise your kids, especially if the girl you’re with is really tight with the family and wants the family involved.

The biggest reservation is I don’t feel that my sexual chemistry with my current girlfriend is as high as it was with my ex. I still have frequent, good sex with my girlfriend. We go 3-5 times weekly, on average. My girlfriend seems to have a lower sex drive compared to my ex.

The reason it’s lower is because attraction. If you’re doing everything right, if you’re dating and courting her properly and you’re fucking her properly in the bedroom and you’re taking care of yourself, you haven’t turned into a fat slob and completely let yourself go and become a soft ass beta male over the past four years that you’ve been with her, if you’re doing all the things you’re supposed to be doing, you’re never going to get rejected for sex.

As a matter of fact, she’s going to be complaining that you don’t have sex with her enough. The fact that you’re focused on the fact that you’re not getting enough sex tells me that it’s one or two things: She doesn’t feel heard and understood, and you’re not dating and courting her properly. I know this because I’ve been doing this for multiple decades, and every time I do phone sessions, I’m talking to guys that are in similar situations, and it’s like they all predictably do the same thing over and over again.

Even Tom Brady stopped dating and courting his wife properly as she said he wasn’t present. She didn’t feel heard and understood. She had told him many, many times over the years what she wanted and he just didn’t do it. He didn’t provide it. It wasn’t until she was leaving that he made one last push because again, this is the stuff that I read to try to stay married and she’s she was over. She tapped out. She had given him plenty of chances and he just did not change his approach.

Women want to be in a love story. The courtship never ends. If the courtship ends, so is your sexual intimacy. If she doesn’t feel heard and understood, the sexual intimacy is going to go away because she doesn’t feel safe. Especially in this case, she’s questioning whether or not this guy wants to marry her. So of course, she’s not going to really feel safe in the relationship. He’s obviously holding back because he’s like, “Well, I’m not getting enough sex in here, so why would I want to get married?”

My girlfriend won’t dress up in skimpy outfits as often as I’d like.

Well, if she respected you, admired you and was concerned about your attention and validation, she would dress the way you like. My whole life I’ve always loved going shopping with my girlfriends and picking out outfits, shoes or whatever things that I like seeing them in, because I get to be the one that takes the stuff off. That’s a fun activity that you can do with your girl. If you got her all dressed up, you’re going out for a date on a Friday night and she’s wearing something that doesn’t look good, you just say, “No, don’t wear that. Put that red dress on. Put the blue dress on. Put that little light blue mini skirt on. I fucking love it. Your ass looks incredible. As soon as you put that on, I’m gonna have a boner the whole night. You got to put that on.” Whatever it is, tell her how beautiful and how sexy she looks and the things that you like.

Feminine energy grows through praise. So you want to praise the things that you like your girl to do. Women that don’t put on makeup don’t get their hair done, don’t get their nails done, that let themselves go, stop going to the gym, they get fat is because they don’t feel beautiful anymore. It’s simple as that. If they don’t feel beautiful, they’ve given up. “What’s the point? He doesn’t notice me anyways. He doesn’t hear me. I don’t feel heard and understood.” She’s not going to do anything to entice her man sexually because again, she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable.

I mean, I could talk to her and within three minutes tell exactly what he’s doing wrong, but he already gives enough of it away in the email. Men that are complaining about not getting enough sex, or not dating and courting their girlfriends properly, then their women are not feeling heard and understood. That’s just a fact of life.

I have tried to encourage her, but she’s always been a modestly dressed girl. She only brings out skimpy outfits occasionally. She doesn’t initiate sex or tell me that she’s horny, and I will always initiate (I know sex must be my fault, but I’d like to hear that she’s horny sometimes).

Yeah, if your girl is never initiating sex, you got a fucking problem, dude. You have not been following the book properly. If you’re the guy who’s 100% of the time initiating sex, you got a problem, because she was the one running him down wanting to get into a relationship. He said it was the easy and effortless, and it’s clear he was doing more things right in the beginning. Now, after four years together, he’s gotten soft, he’s gotten complacent. Plus, he didn’t bother finishing to learn the book and the information in it. He doesn’t go back to it and read it at least once a year. That tells me he’s not a serious student. He’s just half-assing it, and since he’s half-assing it, he’s got a half ass relationship and he’s got blue balls half the time. Even though he’s getting laid three to five times a week, he’s getting rejected a lot.

I get turned down every few weeks, because the time of the sex is too late at night.

Hang out, have fun, hook up.

Now, if you’re dating and courting your wife properly or your girlfriend in this case properly, then if you want late night sex, it’s never an issue because she’s always looking forward to an orgasm and a happy finish. If she’s shut down to you, she doesn’t feel heard and understood, doesn’t really feel like you give a shit and you haven’t been dating and courting her properly, yeah, she’d be like, “I’m tired. I have a headache.”

I never have problems with this. People that are good students, they don’t have problems with this. You get more sex than you want or need when you’re treating women properly because women are designed to get our attention. They get their nails done, they get their hair done, they put makeup on, they try 15 different outfits on. If she’s not trying to get your attention and validation, she doesn’t feel very beautiful. She doesn’t feel you’re worthy of her effort because she feels shut down to you, especially if you’re arguing with her or bitching about the fact she’s not having sex with you as much as you want. You’re not going to complain to a woman into wanting to have more sex with you. Even if she does and it works, it’s a mercy fuck. She’s not really going to be into it. She’ll be dry. You’ll just know.

You want to be with a woman who’s really horny and really turned on and wants to fuck you and is like, “Hey, we haven’t had sex in a few days. You need to fuck me tonight. Hey, I want your attention.” Those are the kinds of things that you’re going to see and hear.

She is more reserved about going the extra mile in the bedroom, for instance not liking to swallow.

Some girls don’t like to swallow. Some girls do. If she was really turned on and really horny and really wanting to have your children, she’d probably be swallowing. She’s not swallowing because it’s an act. She’s giving you your happy finish so you shut up and she can get some sleep.

I feel less satisfied with our sex because she is not willing to do these things.

That tells me she’s not submitting to you. That’s why she doesn’t want to do these things, because you’re not acting worthy of a man who she would want to feel safe and comfortable enough to submit to.

Although my ex was not loyal and deserved to be dumped, she was gorgeous and would often dress in skimpy outfits, initiates sex, rarely turn down sex, and often go the extra mile in the bedroom. I know I’m not supposed to compare, but it’s hard to pretend like I don’t know better.

Well again, doesn’t sound like you were with your ex as long as this particular woman. She comes from a good family. She expects things to be a certain way and they’re just not, and you bitching about the fact you’re not getting enough sex just tells me you’re not focused on what you need to be focused on as a man. Hang out, have fun, and hook up.

Expecting sex after you worked all day and you come home all smelly and stinky, with bad breath and sweaty and fat and at 11:00, 12:00 at night when she’s tired, you want to have sex or you want her to suck your cock. Maybe you haven’t wiped your ass properly, so you pull your pants down and all she smells is ass. It’s like, pull your head out of your butt, dude. You got to think about how you’re showing up. Your girl is rejecting you because you’re not turning around, and you’re not doing the things that are necessary to get her turned on.

Can a man really be happily married long term if the sexual chemistry with his wife is not as high as it was with an ex?

This is you and how you’re showing up. Men who bitch about not getting enough sex are not treating the women properly, assuming these are normal, healthy women and not fucking fruit loops. When a woman is head over heels in love with you, she wants your attention all the fucking time. It’s right in the book. All the fucking time, every day, day and night, all the fucking time, she’s stuck to you like a sucker fish. That’s obviously not the case here. You got some work to do, dude.

Am I overthinking my good situation?

No, you’ve been half-assing it. You’ve been a shitty student, dude.

Are there any ways to get my girlfriend to do more of what I want in the bedroom?

Yeah, actually follow what’s in the book.

It would give me a lot of confidence about proposing if I were to feel completely satisfied with our sexual chemistry. Thank you, Coach.

Sincerely,

Bob

What you need to do for the next 90 days is read the book backwards and forwards, put the audio book on two-speed, and follow along in a digital or physical copy, and then you’ll be able to get through the book in four hours so you can get a bunch of reads in and kind of reconnect the dots and realize where you’ve gone sideways, because quite frankly, you should not be in this situation. It’s pretty pathetic.

I mean, you got a good woman in your life and you’re just not doing the little things. Instead of looking inward, you’re complaining because if you were a good student, you would know these things. You would remember these things, and instead you’re acting like every other schmuck that doesn’t have a clue about women who bitch and he’s not getting laid enough.

Again, men who understand women, they don’t complain about how much they’re getting laid. Men who understand women never complain about not getting laid enough. It’s always the guys, the incels, the red pill guys, the guys that are always bitching about women not wanting to have sex with them, those are the guys that can’t get laid because they don’t know what they’re fucking doing. This is such a simple, easy situation to fix.

The courtship never ends, and she’s got to feel heard and understood when the first things you should do when you come home is like, “Hey babe, how was your day? And just get her talking. Get her in the habit of that. “What else? Tell me more.” Then you look for the signs that she’s ready to be kissed when she starts talking and she feels like you care because you’re listening to all the boring, mundane things that are going on in her life. What do you notice? She starts playing with her hair and you tease her occasionally. She laughs, she punches you playfully, you kiss, you start fooling around a little bit, and then it leads to sex. If you just come home after a long day and then you show up all stinky and smelly, wanting to have sex at 11:00 or 12:00 at night, you shouldn’t be surprised that you’re not not getting laid.

Come on, man, this is so easy. You are fucking up something so good and so easy because you’re being lazy. You gotta do better.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.