Most people don’t achieve their goals for several reasons. First and foremost is fear. Fear causes people to avoid taking any action. Fear of success or fear of failure. Fear that their peers, friends and family will not love, encourage and accept their pursuit of their hearts desire. Another big reason people fail to reach their goals is because they set unreasonable goals to be accomplished in unrealistic periods of time. The goals are set to impossible and unrealistic parameters that guarantee failure. To avoid the pain of rejection and failure again, they try to stick with something that usually makes them miserable, but they would choose comfort and certainty over the uncertainty of chasing their dreams.
This is an email I got from a client who keeps trying to hold the realization of his goals to unrealistic time frames. Its like saying “I’m going to beat Tiger Woods at the Masters this year” only a few weeks after picking up a set of golf clubs for the first time in your life. Its another indirect way people bullshit themselves into quitting or barely trying when they make a goal. They fail right away so they can easily say “I can’t…” That way they don’t really grow or step outside of their comfort zone. When others ask what happened they always have a myriad of excuses why things did not work out. They set themselves up for failure and never really try. “People will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure.” – Tony Robbins.
Here’s his email. I also made comments (in brackets like this):
Corey… Good article and a fuckin great response! I read all I can about this stuff from your emails and write a lot down. However, none of it seems to sink in (bullshit, you are refusing to acknowledge anything has sunk in so you can tell your bullshit whiney story about what a loser you are) as far as the confidence and working on developing skills goes… recognizing where and what the weaknesses are and smacking down on them (repetition is the mother of skill-how often have I said this?). This month I will be 36 and I don’t get to practice much for the life of me (bullshit, you’re just making excuses. You can never have the time unless you take the time). I will say this… if I don’t see any improvement by my birthday (improvement can’t happen that quick unless you take massive, relentless, daily action and practice with every person you encounter) or at least feel like things are looking up (that’s a simple choice you have the power to make in any moment), then I can no longer use your services or assistance (I can only help people who are willing to take action and help themselves). It sounds weak I know, but it`s incredibly depressing and sad to think how much catching up I have to do (bullshit, you just need to take action) vs other, more experienced and lucky guys (where? Introduce me to one) that never have had to do any work like this. Y`know, others who always get what they want out of women (I don’t get every woman I pursue. No guy does. Ones that say they do are FULL OF SHIT), and at the end of the day still always got something to fall back on as far as women go (yea, you just got laid two weeks ago by your “fall back” girl, but you’re not one of those “lucky guys”-you’re bullshitting yourself again). I`ve never had an epiphany or a moment of clarity yet (really? You’re bullshitting yourself again) but hope something good happens soon (you must make something good happen by taking action). Anyway, it sounds as if the dude in the article is coming along just fine (he takes daily, consistent action and talks to several women every day. He’s relentless. He wants to be his best). Talk to you later. Tom.
What is confidence? Confidence is your body language, posture, physiology, voice tonality and spoken language all being congruent with a belief and feeling that you deserve what you have, what you want and what you don’t have is only days and hours away from finally manifesting. You are patiently waiting and being diligent. If a hot chick is there, you feel you deserve to have her and to be talking to her, but are unsure if she deserves to be with you.
Life is a game of golf. Golf is a game you play alone. Even though you play with others, everyone is playing against themselves. Its impossible to play against the other person. Its just you, your ball and your golf club. When you hit the ball, good or bad, no matter what happens its all up to your ability to hit the ball effectively that determines if you win or lose. The game of life is the same. Its 100% up to you. You determine your life’s outcome and what you experience. You either take action or you don’t. You should make it a rule for the next 30 days that you will talk to and say hello to everyone you encounter. Simply say, “How’s your day going?” Let them answer. Then honestly tell them how yours is going. If you just blew a tire before getting to the truck-stop, you can say, “Yea, it really sucks to see one of my tires disintegrate and know its going to delay me getting back home tonight, but I try to have a good attitude about it. It makes me laugh when I think about people who are driving next to me while my tire is disintegrating. Some just sit there with the “deer in the headlights look” while the exploding tire is hurling big chunks of tire at their car. When I think about that, it makes me laugh. Some are too stupid to move. Life is what you make of It.” Put a positive spin on everything. Ask yourself empowering questions such as… “What’s good about this? How can I use this? What can I learn from this? How can I turn this situation into a positive?”
You either see the glass as half full… or half empty.
If things suck in your life, its because you are focusing only on trying to find and identify reasons why your life sucks. People who are happy, content, peaceful, successful, etc. simply CHOOSE to look at the bright side of everything that happens in their lives. They constantly are looking for evidence of things slowly working out in their favor. Its a daily (success) ritual for most. They start their day by taking 5 minutes to write down some things in their Gratitude Journal (pad of paper, notebook, a napkin, etc. JUST WRITE IT DOWN on something!) they are grateful for in their lives. That way, they condition themselves to feel good every morning when they wake up. Plus, its a great way to start every day off by getting up on “the right side of the bed” instead of “the wrong side of the bed” like most miserable people always complain about. Even if they have been suffering of late.
Shit happens to everyone. You are going to have set backs. GET USED TO IT. Life is full of them. How you label these events determines what they mean to you. “God will give it to you when you can handle it. Remember-> sometimes rejection IS God’s protection!” – Jason Allen.
The purpose of all relationships is you go there to give. By being friendly everywhere you go no matter what the attitude of the other person is, you will be a bright spot in most people’s boring lives. Everybody loves a kind stranger. They always make everyone feel better. They are uplifting to be around. I know you love to make animals feel better and that is why you want to be a vet, but how about making people feel better? You do it because that is who you are. You are a kind man and a gentle giant. A good loyal kind of friend to have. When you give everywhere you go, and DISCIPLINE yourself to do it every day for 30 days, I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE A MUCH HAPPIER GUY (which women will LOVE!!!). Outgoing people are easy to approach, talk to and strike up a conversation with. Engage people, use some self-deprecating humor to pick them up and give them hope that there are nice people in this world.
The key is to lose your fear of saying hello, talking to and being around women and other people in general. That’s why I start everyday by writing and answering emails or questions from clients. I start out each day by giving and being in service. It makes me feel good to help someone. Its more motivating to answer someones questions than for me to write something inspiring. All human beings will do more for others than they will do for themselves. I have to force myself to write at times, but it makes me feel better 100% of the time.
When you sit there and do nothing for too long, it becomes really uncomfortable and boring. Being retired or lazy is boring. Trust me. I had plenty of time after I got out of real estate. I was working to figure out my life coaching business model those first few years. At one point, I even worked a part time job waiting tables to make enough extra cash to pay my web designers before my coaching business really took off. I had spent most of my money building my new company. It took me longer to figure out my business model than I expected. I was overly optimistic on my time frame. I went from making $500k per year and having 40 employees and 2 business partners, to a full time life coach with a handful of clients, a newly self-published book, and a $20,000 per month personal nut to cover (to pay my mortgages, car loans, boat loans, etc. and fund my excessively expensive lifestyle). I was following my heart and going for my new dreams. Talk about major life changes.
I downsized and liquidated in a matter of months. You can’’t live the rockstar lifestyle when you voluntarily eliminate almost all of your income. Suddenly I had almost no income and a SHITLOAD of expenses. I was lucky (actually I was blessed) when I sold both my houses, extra cars, jet ski’s, boat, furniture and my former partners and I sold our office building. I liquidated all of my real estate at the height of both the residential and commercial real estate boom. A lot of people I knew and many who used to work for me lost everything when the market crashed. They stayed in too long. I’m glad I got out when things were still good. The capital I had launched my new company. But despite my best planning, optimism, self-confidence, etc. it took me longer than the 2 years I had estimated to figure my business model out and finally make enough to support myself. Eventually I reluctantly I took a bullshit job to make some extra cash waiting tables. Something I once swore I would never do again. I had nightmares for years after quitting bartending in the 1990‘s that I had to get my old job back. Then 15 years later I voluntarily take a part time job waiting tables so I could stop eating away at my savings! At least I picked a place with a lot of cool and hot chicks to work with. They helped me get thru it and keep a sense of humor. We had a lot of fun at times and made each other laugh. Edna (Eddles), Christina, Stacy, Casie, Gabby, Ashley (Nugget), Jenna, Maria, Tiffany, Cas, Amanda, Sophie, Hillary (Hill), Stephanie, Nicki, and of course the guys… OB, Jeremy, B Ross, Rob, Anesh, Bobby, Wes, Greg, Gene, JR, AJ, Jely, Tim, Chris, Master Al and too many others to name.
Life happens when you move. Stagnation happens with you die. Everything in mother nature either grows and contributes, or it dies and is eliminated. Human beings are either growing or dying. Its a daily conscious choice all of us make.
Dude, as far as you hinting that you may “bitch out” on yourself about coaching, where you are by your birthday IS COMPLETELY UP TO YOU AND WILL BE DETERMINED SOLELY BY THE ACTIONS THAT YOU CHOOSE OR CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE. You must participate in your own rescue. No one can do it for you. No one can motivate you. You must motivate yourself.
Quit bitching like a little girl about how long it takes, how hard things are or how easy other “lucky guys” have got it. That tells me you are whining and making excuses instead of taking action. Stop bullshitting yourself. You can’t bullshit me dude. Seriously. If you were busy taking action, you would not have any time or desire to whine. You would be writing me about your successes just like this guy who wrote me yesterday. This could be you:
I hope you are enjoying your week. Just wanted to give you a quick update.
I got back from visiting Jennifer in Italy. Overall, I had an awesome time! I mostly spent nights with her 🙂 as she was working during the day for the majority of the time I was there. Doing my own thing during the day and seeing her at night allowed a good balance. I spent time with her during the day on the weekend, visited the leaning tower of pizza and some cafes, went to some parks, etc.
We had dinner a few times with some of her friends, which I didn’t particularly like, but I enjoyed good food and wine and stayed positive for the most part. Her friends are all very positive, motivated people and it was good to be immersed in that atmosphere.
So it happened that she was having her period the entire week. You believe that? I spent the first 5 nights in bed with her, caressing, kissing, but no sex. I really enjoyed that, but enough was enough. The last night, despite her still having her period, we made love. It was pretty incredible in my opinion. It definitely took some time getting her comfortable. I applied what you mentioned (2 steps forward, 1 step back) and eventually we made love. I enjoyed seeing her open up physically and emotionally. She became more vulnerable than I had ever seen her before. It was easy to be playful in bed with her.
She left for work the last morning and I left her a small note thanking her for a great week. I hid the gift and gave her a hint in the note where it was. I was trying to make it fun for her to discover it. Throughout the course of the week I made it a point to surprise her… a candle here, a piece of chocolate there. Maybe I overdid it, I was kind of experimenting. She seemed to enjoy it though. I did my best to focus on having a good time with her and keeping it light.
I will admit, I struggled every so often maintaining conversation with her. There is so much to learn about her, but I struggle with finding the words. I can tell that concerns her a bit. She is certainly an extrovert and I am extremely introverted.
She has sent me several texts, emails and a voicemail within the 24 hours of leaving Italy saying she missed me, etc, so I take that as a good sign. I sent her a text when I arrived home, told her I missed her too. She mentions seeing each other in a few weeks when she is in the States.
Just wanted to thank you again. Without your help, I would not have had these experiences. I have never had that much fun, especially with a woman. Truly fulfilling.
Talk more on Tuesday during the call.
P.S. I brought your book along. I read it on the plane to Italy and then back to the States. Unfortunately for me, I left it on the plane. Consider it an international referral. Maybe you’ll get an email from a Italian guy in the near future. Anyway, I hope the book finds its way to someone that can benefit from it.
This guy had a girl he knew that works out of the country that he’s wanted for quite some time. He also works out of the country at times. He had one date with her a few months ago which went very well. After the date and she returned to Italy, she mentioned he should visit her there. On his return from a business trip, he did just that. This girls interest level is going up and now she wants to see more of him.
These things happen when you take action. Nothing happens but misery and suffering when you are selfish and only keep to yourself. Give the world the gift of you. Stop needing a response or a reaction. That gets in the way of just letting things flow with women. You have all these pre-conceived notions about how women should interact or react to you. Let go of that bullshit and just be a giver. When you stop giving a shit or caring about what others think about you, then you realize its all just a mind game. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING CROSS AND TAKE ACTION. Everything else will take care of itself in time. The way you act at times makes you sound like a fat person who just finished his very first exercise set in his life ever, and is complaining that he has not lost 50 pounds yet. Dude, life is a process. Its a journey. Not a destination. Time is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you take massive action, today, right now.
Set up a match.com dating profile and send me the link so I can help you fine tune it so chicks contact you first. Then when you come home you can simply reply to their emails and make dates. It is simply another avenue for you to get into contact with women you would not normally encounter in your life.
Its ok and healthy to express your doubts about yourself. Its actually essential to your health and well being to fully be present with and feel “your stuff” which are your icky feelings. Sadness, depression, hurt, resentment, anger, frustration, loneliness, despair, etc. What you resist persists. I speak and verbalize my icky stuff all the time when ever I feel it. Some days I just feel like shit. So here’s what I emote… “I feel like shit. I feel worthless today. I feel like a piece of worthless shit. I am tired of feeling like shit! I hate feeling this way. I can’t believe how awful I feel. Fuck this! I feel so depressed. I feel like I can’t go on. It feels like things are never going to work out. I’m scared I may fail. etc.” Its raw, and I speak and honor ALL OF MY FEELINGS, good and bad. What you resist, persists. What you look at, disappears. When you authentically embrace and give yourself permission to “feel your stuff” you suffer momentarily… and then simply start feeling better as you speak and feel all your bad stuff. It simply dissolves. Its an acknowledgement of whats there or what is; then it dissolves, loses it charge and new thoughts and feelings come rushing in.
You may notice after initially crying hysterically for a few minutes, that just a few minutes later you are laughing about something else and have totally forgotten your suffering. Its called living in the moment and its how children experience their emotions. One minute they are crying like its the end of the world, and the next minute they are jumping for joy in a mud puddle. As we grow up we are taught and conditioned to hide and not experience our icky feelings. We are taught its weakness and something to be avoided. This makes people miserable! You’ve got to feel it to heal it. Just like a child. You know how to do this already. You naturally mastered it as a child, but when you grew up you took on the limiting belief that it was no longer appropriate. It does not mean that in the middle of your office meeting you have a meltdown, but that you take time to have a momentary authentic meltdown when you are by yourself later in your car, at home, etc.
Tom, I’m not interested in your mediocrity. I’m interested in your greatness. Winners never quit and quitters never win.
How big are your balls? Over the next 30 days I want you to say this to every attractive woman you like… “You seem like a nice girl, would you like to have a date with me?” Its quick and painless. She’s either going to say yes, no, I have a boyfriend, I don’t know you very well, etc.” Its a numbers game. You just want one date with one girl. All you need is one yes. Write me back after you have asked 100 women that pickup line. Then you can decide if you want to be a quitter. “I can accept failure, but I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“I can accept failure, but I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan