Why some people get triggered when they see older men with younger women.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is only 32 and recently dated a 20-year-old girl who he hit things off with really well. However, he is an atheist and most people in his small rural town are christian and very religious. Her family thought he was too old and forbade her from seeing him. That started him on a downward spiral to the point that he’s so self conscious that his cold approaches are now terrible because he is so worried about what other people think.
He is worried about living his life according to the unreasonable expectations of people who don’t even know him. He falsely believes that being 32 means he is an old man. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, this particular guy is, “So old.” This is the impression he’s gotten of himself. He was dating a younger woman. He’s 32, but he talks like a guy. It’s like 92 and his life’s over. It’s all because I guess he lives in a small, rural town. Most of the people there are very Christian, very religious. So he started dating a girl who was 20, and she really liked him, but her family, when she they found out that she was dating a guy who was 32, it was so much older, they did not approve of the relationship and told her that she needed to cut this guy off. After that, he kind of went into a downward spiral.
Whenever he makes an approach to a woman in the back of his mind, he’s like, “I’m an old man now. Oh my God, this is not going to go well.” He’s already convinced himself before he even opens his mouth that he’s a loser. He’s too old. It’s not going to work out. If that’s your mindset, if that’s your self-talk, remember people will act consistently with how they view themselves to be, and it does not mean it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. In this case, he had one experience. The girl’s parents didn’t like the fact that he was, what, 12 years older and basically blew the relationship up.
He’s let himself go into a downward spiral. He’s basically got what we call a mindset issue. Hit the tape that’s playing in his mind is sabotaging his success. What that’s going to do is cause you to be self conscious. It’s going to be constantly putting you on the, “Oh, I hope she likes me,” kind of mentality instead of, “I’m a confident guy. I’m direct, I’m decisive, and I’m giving this beautiful lady the gift of my time and my attention and my interest.”
When you’re approaching women, you just have to show up and ask them out, shoot your shot, and no matter what happens, you should be walking away with a smile that you made the attempt, and she should be walking away from that feeling beautiful and desirable and really enjoying the experience and glad that you came over to say hello and express your interest. Then when she tells you she’s married or she’s got a boyfriend or whatever, or she’s not interested, you say, “Hey, well, it sounds like you’re guy.”
What are you going to say to her? It’s like, “He’s a lucky guy. Have a great day.” If it’s somebody that you kind of know or you see, it was like, you know, “I come in from time to time. If it doesn’t ever work out, let me know. You seem like a great girl.” Just like that, and then walk away. Don’t stand around, be a creep. Don’t get mad, don’t get angry. You want her to walk away with a pleasant view of you and glad that you came over, because most guys are not going to be able to approach that way anyways and pull it off.
There’s so many people, especially younger people, that brely on their devices. They rely on dating apps that it’s gotten to the point where they can’t even approach women in person because they’re so scared to talk to them, and you can really set yourself apart. That’s one of the things that this guy initially started out doing was like, “I don’t want to be in the dating apps. I’d rather approach women in person,” but because of this one instance where this girl’s parents like, “Oh yeah, you’re too old,” then he’s freaked out about it, and it’s put him into a downward spiral and he’s like, “I don’t know what the hell to do.”
I am writing you because I have ran into a major setback. I have questions of overcoming society’s pressure to conform and overcome fears of rejection, so forgive me if this email is lengthy.
In 2023, I made mountains of progress. I created a journal where I wrote down every woman I asked out, writing descriptions about all my dates.
That is awesome. Good job! That’s what you should be doing, especially when you’re learning this stuff, because you need a lot of data. You need a lot of experience. You need a lot of interactions.
What you’re going to notice, especially when you’re doing cold approaches, is sometimes women are not going to make eye contact, they’re not going to smile. Or if they do and you go up, you can kind of tell they don’t really want to talk to you. Their body language is kind of pointed away. What you’re looking for is somebody that’s open to talk to you, that’s glad that you came over, is nice and friendly, and makes you feel like they want to converse with you. If they do, you continue. If not, you say, “hey, “Well, I just want to come over and say hi. Have a great day,” and then leave. Then you made her feel beautiful because feminine energy grows through praise, masculine energy grows through challenge.
This is challenging yourself to get outside your comfort zone. As a man, especially in this day and age, you can really set yourself apart because so many dudes are weak, they’re shy, they’re timid to go out and talk to women in person. If you got the confidence to do it and do it in a charming and playful way, you’re direct. You’re decisive. If she’s not interested, you wish her well and you go on about your day and then you can walk away thinking, “I cross that one off my list. At least I know,” because the worst thing is to see a girl, see her make eye contact, see her smile at you hoping you’ll come over, and then you wilt like a little lily. Then you sheepishly crawl away. Kind of like a cockroach. How they disappear in the night. In other words, you collapsed instead of being courageous.
Women want you to be courageous. They just don’t want you to be creepy and to linger and keep pestering when they say, “No” or “No thanks,” or “I have a boyfriend.”
I live in rural Texas, where the majority are Christians, despite me being a lifelong atheist, so I’m normally used to resisting conformity. But I’ll be 32 this year, and I’m starting to worry about my age, and it’s progressively getting difficult to shake off the negative fears due to recent bad experiences.
Well dude, when I was your age, this is like when the dots were really connecting for me. So when I was 30, 31, 32, it’s like all this stuff really started to click. It’s all in the book. You got this attitude like, “Ah, I’m too old. My life’s downhill.” I’m about to turn 54, and the way I feel is I feel like I’m just getting started in life.
I’ve been through a lot of things and us guys, it takes us a long time to really become competent, become really successful and achieve our income earning potential and most importantly, get to a place where we have peace in our life, where our friendships bring us peace, our relationships bring us peace, our co-workers bring us peace, hopefully, and we generally have an ease and delight type of vibe about us because masculinity is calm and the reality is women mature faster than men, at least especially when you’re young, at least five to six years ahead of you.
If you just look at it from that perspective, you definitely should be dating women that are younger than you. I’ve always dated women younger. I think the only time I ever went out with girls that were my age, or probably when I was like 18, 19, maybe 20 years old, but as I progressively got older, the women tended to get younger. Now I still date women that are about half my age. To me, from my perspective, that’s really the way it should be, is that younger women should date men that are older, just because it takes time for men to mature and get their shit together, especially if a woman is going to have children and be a stay at home mom.
She needs a very successful, very competent man that she can rely upon to go out and bring home the bread, bring home the bacon, whatever you want to call it. Go slay the dragons during the day and not go through a rough patch and flail around like a little boy and turn her into his mommy or his therapist.
Women want a man that they admire, they respect, they look up to and they can follow his lead. All throughout human history, it’s pretty common knowledge that pretty younger women like older, successful men. Now, guys that are young and have no experience and can’t get any pussy, they’re cope is just to go, “Oh, it’s because you got money. That’s why you got the girl.” That is a bunch of nonsense. All you got to do is read the tabloids, and there are tons of rich, powerful men that married beautiful women, and these guys are even handsome and they’re rich, and what happens? These women leave them very publicly and take half their shit. If money was all they need, or because I also see like these younger guys that aren’t getting laid going, “Oh, it’s just the looks.” That’s all it matters to him, his looks.
It’s like the guy had money, he had looks, he had power, but he acted like a bitch. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. It doesn’t matter how good looking you are, how rich you are, how handsome you are, how much you have your life together. If you act like a bitch, your woman’s not going to respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she can never love you. That’s what happened.
What I do for a living, especially my coaching sessions, I’d say probably 80%, 90% of them, it kind of varies throughout the year, but about 80% and 90% of my phone sessions are with guys that were in a marriage or they’re in a long time relationship, or they were dating a girl and they were acting too much like a bitch. They were acting and displaying too much unattractive, unmasculine effeminate behavior. It ruins the sexual polarity to the point where the woman just doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t feel comfortable. She gets turned off. She doesn’t feel attraction. It feels more platonic to her.
Women don’t care about all the good things you got on paper, they only care about how they feel about you. That’s the harsh reality. The guys that go, “Oh, it’s just money and good looks,” are the young incels that aren’t getting laid anyways. That’s their cope, because that’s the story that they tell themselves about why they’re not getting laid. It has nothing to do with the fact that they act like a bitch, and they don’t act like men, and they mostly act incompetent and immature, and they have no charm or charisma. It’s just because they don’t have money or good looks. So when that’s the case, “Hey, it’s not your fault. Not your fault. You can’t get laid. It’s modern women,” they tell themselves.
There’s a tremendous amount of society because you got younger guys that get jealous and upset of guys like me dating women their age that they can’t get, and it pisses them off. I can understand that. Also, you get pushed back from women who are older, who are mad that men their age no longer are dating them, and they’re choosing to date women that are younger. It’s just the way of the world. It’s the way that it works.
The other thing is the way I look at things, even though I’m 53, about to be 54, as I look at the way I eat, the juicing, the smoothies, the exercise, all that stuff that has to at least buy me an extra 20 years. If the average person that really doesn’t do much lives to 74 or 75 and you take exceptional care of your body, the stats bear it out. People that smoke, people that drink but they exercise live longer than people that don’t smoke, don’t drink and don’t exercise, which is interesting. Exercise, pushing weights around, doing cardio is going to help detox your body because, “You are what you don’t get rid of,” as Edgar Cayce said.
For me, the way I think in my mentality is that my effective age really is 32, 33, 34 years old. So if I’m going to live an extra 20 years beyond what most people live, it’s not a big deal. I don’t think about it. Then at the end of the day, if a woman feels attraction for you, it doesn’t matter whether you’re her age or you’re 30, 40 or 50 years older. It happens. That’s just life. Women like successful, competent, powerful men. You can be 25, successful, competent and powerful, and you can be 55, successful, competent and powerful.
Like Stevie Wonder said, “You can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations. Because if you do, you’re never going to live up to it.” You’re always going to make yourself miserable. You have to get up every day and get to a happy place yourself first. You got to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see, and you got to get to a place where you’re excited and proud of your life, because then it makes it very easy for you to get a woman excited about. If you’re not excited about your life, how are you going to get a woman excited about even going out with you and spending time with you? It’s not going to happen. She’s going to feel that vibe.
“Girls just want to have fun,” like the old Cyndi Lauper song from the 1980s. If you’re young at heart, you take care of your body, she’s not going to give a shit if you’re 20 or 30 years older than her, even if her parents disapprove, because if her parents disapprove, but yet she feels strong feelings of attraction for you. Like in this case, this girl’s 20. Maybe she’s almost 21 or whatever. She’ll continue to see you secretly, even if it upsets her parents because of her feelings. That’s the important thing that matters.
The only thing that really matters is attraction. When the attraction is there, that you do things that grow her attraction instead of what most incompetent men do, which is turn women off.
I’ve been using an example this last week in several of the videos I’ve done talking about that Verizon commercial that is out where you’ve got this sniveling little weasel of a man who’s effeminate and girly and acts like a woman, an insecure little girl, basically, and his wife is very masculine and stoic, and even the daughter and the son are very masculine and stoic. When you see that enough, from the time you were born until you’re an adult, those kinds of archetypes you can’t help but identify with and just start to think, “Well, that’s just natural. That’s the way things are,” because you can see it in society. It’s everywhere.
You got weak, sniveling, effeminate dudes all over the place that don’t know how to act like men. A big thing that one of the complaints women had was like, “Where all the good guys?” Because there’s a lack of masculinity in society, because people are so effeminate and so affected by the propaganda that quite frankly, they don’t even realize it’s propaganda. They don’t realize that when you watch that stuff over and over and over again, the Verizon commercial type of stuff, it’s going to affect your psyche, especially when you see it around you. You think, “Oh, that’s normal. That must be the way things are.” Then you behave the way you see on TV. It absolutely repulses women, even though you do what they say you’re supposed to do.
I met a 20-year-old girl at one of the stores I do sales calls at, and we hit things off well.
That’s what typically happens whether you’re in your daily life or business appointments or a co-worker, or you go to happy hour with a bunch of co-workers, and one of your co-workers has a single hot friend that comes with them, and then you just click and you hit. That’s just how for the average guy that meets somebody they get into a relationship with. That’s typically what happens.
In this case, this guy frequents this place because it’s just part of what he has to do for a living. Starts chatting the girl up there, and he can tell that she likes him. I mean, you’ll see it starts off like it’s supposed to. Attraction is not a choice. It’s innate. It’s biological.
You got to remember that doesn’t matter whether people say the only thing matters is biology. It’s innate. It’s the way the creator made us all the ideology. None of that shit really matters. The only thing that matters is how you stimulate a woman’s feelings and emotions.
However, on the first date, I noticed a lot of ugly stares from strangers at the restaurant we were at. It’s quite clear to others I was much older than she was.
Well, probably they were really pissed off that you were with such a pretty young girl. You should take that as a compliment, because the reality is those dudes are gone, “I’m better looking than that guy. What’s he doing with her?” Probably some of the older women, they’re probably giving you a scowl because who cares? They can’t pull you. They couldn’t. You wouldn’t want to date them. So who gives a shit?
You can’t live your life according to other people’s expectation. The reality is, other people’s opinion of you is none of your fucking business. So if they don’t like you, who fucking cares? As you go through life, lots of people are not going to like you. Lots of people are not going to want to hang out with you. That’s OK. You want to spend your time with the people who are excited that you’re there and celebrate your presence.
But what really threw a wrench in the process, was after the second date. I took her back to my place, and we did some heavy kissing. But then, she told me she was a virgin and Christian, and wanted too wait until marriage for sex. Admittedly, I moved really fast, but I was left speechless. I felt extremely guilty…
…Especially since I am atheist and I stopped the entire seduction.
Well, if it was me and the girl likes you and she’s at your place and she continues on with the kissing and the kissy poo, obviously she’s down. Maybe she was ready to give up the virginity to you. You shouldn’t have just given up. She was glad to be there, obviously.
That’s the same thing when a woman goes, “I don’t want to want you to think I do this all the time. Oh, this never happens to me,” as you’re undressing each other, you’re like, “Sure.”
Here’s another thing, and I talk about this in the book is, women don’t want responsibility for sex. So if she says, “Hey, I’m a virgin. I’ve never done this before,” just say, “No problem. I’ll take it real slow. If you ever feel uncomfortable, just let me know. If you want to stop or slow down, let me know.” You want to make it a pleasant experience for her. Maybe she was ready to lose her virginity to you, and you talked her out of it because you got all up in your head.
To make matters worse, her family eventually found out about us, and didn’t like the idea of her dating an older guy. They went so far as to forcing her to cut me off, and eventually sent her to move with family to Kentucky.
I would have been like, “Hey, call me if you change your mind. Call me if you want to chat sometime.”
At the end of the day, she’s an adult. She can do whatever the hell she wants. If she likes you, I understand where her family is coming from. Whatever reason, the family doesn’t like you, that’s OK. Maybe they could come around, but the important thing is how she feels about you.
I was speechless, and felt so damn awful. But this was just the beginning of more terrible experiences.
It’s just one girl, dude. One girl. There’s another bus every 15 minutes. You cannot let things like this absolutely wreck you mentally. You’re 32 years old, bro. Come on. I got 20 years on you and I still feel like I’m just getting started.
On social media, I’ve seen a lot of people bashing older men for dating younger women.
Well, older women definitely get upset about it because it makes them feel insecure, because they look at it and they go, “The younger women are stealing all our men. Guess what? Young incels that are in their 20s that want to sleep with those 20-year-old girls that pay them no attention, they’re saying those other guys are stealing all our women because, “They got money. I can’t get any pussy.” I’m red pill aware. “Hypergamy doesn’t care.” Some kind of cope.
It got to the point I had to delete my Facebook to mute the negative mindsets seeping into me. In my field of work, there’s a lot of college women to get good practice with.
It’s like, dude, you’re in a target rich environment. Enjoy what the world brings your way.
To shake off my failures, I tried some flirty interactions, but they ended horribly. I noticed with each interaction, I was progressively getting worse.
Yeah dude, if you’re in your head and you’re not in a good mood, you have to be in a happy place when you’re approaching women. If you’re in a bad mood or you’ve already convinced yourself before you even talk to a girl, which it sounds like where your mindset is right now that it’s not going to go well, you shouldn’t be approaching anybody.
Focus on yourself. Get to a happy place. Get to a place where you feel good about yourself and you feel good about your life, and you feel good about your future. Then start approaching women. When you’re in a good mood and you’re happy because it will go well, women are going to match and mirror and they’re going to respond to however you show up.
So if you’re all in your head and you’re thinking, “There’s no way this girl is going to like me, I’m a weirdo old creep approaching her,” even though you’re only 32 years old, then you’re going to give that vibe off. You’re going to give the vibe off to her that you’re not comfortable, that you’re not calm, that you’re not peaceful, that there’s something going on in your mind and yeah, that’s it’s not going to go well. If you’re loose, you’re having fun, because what is approaching a woman, really, it’s just going up and talking to her and engaging her in conversation, getting her to do most of the talking, ask her the kind of questions that she would enjoy answering, trying to see if she’s excited to talk to you.
Women that like you will be happy that you came over. They’ll smile a lot. They’ll also ask you personal questions. They’ll ask you for your name when you don’t volunteer yours. After asking for their name, they’ll touch your arm. They’ll play with their hair, they’ll expose their neck to you. You can see all these signs that there’s attraction there. So when you do ask for the number or you try to set a date right in the spot, pretty much it’s always going to go well, If the girl’s got her body turned away from you like she’s trying to escape or trying to get away, it’s not going well and she’s giving you a short one or two word answers, and she’s not really engaging you in conversation. You just say, “Well, you seem like a really beautiful, nice girl. I wanted to come over and say hi and have a great day. I got to get back to what I was doing,” or “I got to get to my next appointment,” and just leave it at that.
If they’re not excited you’re there, light them up a little bit and then move on. That’s all you got to do. You have a gift for her. She has a gift for you. You’re trying to get better, but you know you’re going up and approaching women when you’re already in a bad state. Of course it’s going to go shitty. You got to be in a happy place.
Remember, girls just want to have fun. If you’re coming over and you’re making her laugh and you’re interested in who she is, and you start asking her questions and she feels mutual attraction, well of course she’s going to like to engage you in conversation. If she’s not, then she’ll give you short answers and you’ll be able to tell that she doesn’t really want you around and just wish her well and go on about your business.
Don’t take it personally, at least that way you can go. I cross that one off my list. As a man, that’s what you owe. You at least have to show up, shoot your shot, and if it doesn’t work out or she’s not interested, respectfully wish her a great day and move on about your life and be excited that you had the balls to approach her. Quite frankly, most men these days have a real hard time with it. They would rather just do an online dating app because it’s very low risk, and then they get mad about the quality of the women that are on there, and the fact that women have all the leverage.
Go where you have the leverage. If you’re doing cold approaches or approaching women out in public, in person or in your social circles. That’s something that most guys these days just don’t have the balls to do.
I came off extremely weak, but especially with younger women. After so many rejections, I haven’t asked out a girl in months.
You’re not going to get better not talking to girls. That’s just not going to happen. You have to do what scares you. OK, so the girl that was 20 and her parents didn’t approve of you guys dating. Whatever. On to the next.
If you’re going to date a girl that’s 20, ideally you’d want her parents to feel like, “Hey, she really hit the lottery with this guy. This guy’s older, he’s more successful. He’s got his act together, he’s mature, he knows how to treat a lady. He’s a gentleman. My daughter really likes him. He’s successful. He’d be a great husband and great father to her kids. We’d have great grandchildren. That would be wonderful.”
That’s what you want. You want people that are excited to be with you. So all you were really doing is test driving a car. Quite frankly, that ride was a little bumpy. It doesn’t mean you never test drive another car again, which is basically what you’ve done. It just means, “Hey, I need to go try some different cars. Maybe I go to a few different dealerships, try a few different models.” You got to keep seeking until you find what you’re looking for. All you need is one good one. If you haven’t talked to any girls in months, they’re not going to come break your door down and say, “Hey, you’re my man. Let’s let’s live together,” and happiness. It doesn’t work that way.
You have to participate in society, and right now you basically tapped out and you’re not even trying, which makes you feel worse. Remember what Dale Carnegie said, “Inaction breeds fear and doubt.” You’re not taking any action, so you’re full of fear and doubt. It’s been months since you even talked to a girl. Come on, dude. Taking action breeds confidence and courage. If you remember that really the reason why things went well when you first approached that 20-year-old is because you were taking action. Taking action breeds confidence and courage. So you stopped taking action, and what happens now? You’re full of fear and doubt.
All you got to do is get back out there and start approaching. You can’t let one chick or one bad encounter derail you. It’s like if you’re trying to get a job or apply for a job and you go to an interview, but they don’t hire you, that doesn’t mean you stop trying to find a job. It just means that wasn’t the right fit. Approaching is a compatibility contest. Like do you like them? Do you like talking to her? Is she a good match? Is she a good person? She come from a good family? Especially if you’re thinking about having children someday.
When I first found your work, I was trying to master the cold approach, because I hate dating apps. But now I can’t shake this mindset of that I am “creepy” or “weird” for approaching younger women.
Bro, you’re fucking 32. Give me a break. I would love to go back in time and be 32 again and have my 32-year-old body back. That would be awesome, but I can’t. Here you are 32, going, “Oh Corey, I’m over the hill. I’m done for. It’s over.” It’s like, come on.
How do you, as a man in his 50s, ignore society and approach younger women you truly desire?
Well, I don’t give a shit what other people think. Quite frankly, when I’m out with younger women, I don’t really notice. All I notice is dudes looking over going, “Wow, that girl is hot. Why is she with that guy? What does he got going on? Why would she choose him over me or somebody else who’s younger?” Something to think about.
All my fears of rejection are back, and can’t get myself to even ask out one single girl.
OK well, don’t ask them out. Just go talk to them and interact with them so you can get to a happy place. Just practice your small talk. Say, “You know what? For the next 30 days, I’m not asking anybody out unless they really super like me, but I just want to practice talking to strangers. Talking to cute girls. Talk for a few minutes, give them a nice compliment, and then go about my day without any attachments to anything,” and see how that goes.
That’s what you really need to focus on. You got to get to a happy place, because if you’re not at a happy place, your approaches aren’t going to go well. Certainly, if you go on dates when you’re not in a happy place, it’s going to be a fucking train wreck. So you got to get to a place where you love yourself, you love your life, and you’re having a good time. So say, “OK, next 30 days, I’m not going to ask anybody out, but I’m going to talk to every cute girl I see and see if I can make her smile and laugh and then wish her well and go about my business.” That should be your goal.
When you see that you can light people up and you can make them laugh, then you’ll feel confident. The more you do approaches, the more your confidence will come back, because you’ve already done this. You know how to do this stuff. In other words, everything that happens to us in life, we can either choose the meaning that it’s good and it’s empowering, or it’s the end of the world, and you chose a disempowering meaning to one event in your life. So look how it’s fucked things up for you. It’s been going on for many months now. It’s absurd. It’s ridiculous.
You can’t let one rejection or one failure stop you. You have to keep moving forward no matter what. That’s what being a man is. That’s being courageous. That’s what a woman needs from you. The woman that you want needs you to grow. Grow a set of balls and get back out there and start trying. She’s not going to want you to sit on the couch going, “Oh, I get rejected by a 20-year-old. Oh, poor me, my life is so hard. I’m 32. It’s all over.” Give me a fucking break!
Pull your head out of your ass, get back out there and participate in society, because there’s a lot of women that are just dying to meet a guy that’s got confidence, that acts like a man because most of them don’t. Most men these days tend to act like that bitch in the Verizon commercial.
I’ll continue to read your book until I hit at LEAST 30 reads, but I’m not getting any younger. I aspire to reach your level of fearlessness.
Well, you got to do more of what you’re scared of right now. You had one bad approach. You got to do way more approaches until it gets to the point where it’s like ordering a Happy Meal at McDonald’s.
It’s not a big deal. It’s like breathing anything in life. What you’re most scared of. You have to do what you’re scared of. If you’re scared of heights, live in a condo, high rise. Eventually, over time, it won’t bother you. That’s something to think about.
What you fear, you attract, and what you look at ,disappears. So you’re afraid things aren’t going to go well. So what’s going on? You’re not doing anything. So now you’re full of fear.
Remember, “Inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage.” If you start making approaches again, in other words, your fear that things aren’t going to go well, will disappear when you lose yourself in approaching and talking to women and just having a good time getting to a happy place yourself.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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