Why Over Pursuing & Needy Behavior Leads To Her Acting Hot & Cold

Why over pursuing & needy behavior leads to her acting hot and cold.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a long time viewer who didn’t take reading and learning 3% Man seriously. He dated his girlfriend for about eight months, but got dumped because of his needy and approval seeking behavior. He went no contact, then she came back, but has been hot and cold.

He hasn’t heard from her in two weeks and wonders if she will come back after she blocked him on all social media. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who’s been following me for a long time, since he was 17. He says over the years he got through 3% Man several times, six times, which obviously he knows is not satisfactory. He realizes he should have taken it seriously because he met a girl he really liked, but since he really didn’t learn the book and didn’t really practice it, when he met somebody he was really into and who was really into him, they dated for about eight months and she was a virgin. He took her virginity, but despite all that, she still dumped him because he was acting extremely needy and seeking her approval. In essence, he turned her into his mommy and his therapist, which is a bad way to go. There’s no quicker way to draw a woman up than to seek her approval and to act needy and over pursue.

So this guy went no-contact. She came back, they hooked up a little bit and then she backed off, blocked him everywhere. Now he hasn’t heard from her in two weeks and obviously he’s kind of freaking out about it. So it’s a pretty common problem guys have. The big issue here is his vacillation back and forth between acting masculine and acting effeminate and girly. I was doing a phone session with a guy last night who’s been with his girlfriend and baby mama for a while, but he really loves her, and when we first started talking, he finally admitted that he’s just extremely needy, he pursues her and he acts soft and squishy. He’s a very successful guy. When he acts masculine consistently, she’s all over him, but when he acts effeminate and girly, he seeks her approval, he acts like a girl, he acts indecisive, it’s disgusting and repulsive to her to the point where she acts kind of bitchy and unpleasant to be around. Instead of just going off and doing something else, he sits there and he takes it and he’s trying to use logic and reasoning to talk her back into being extremely attracted to him, which obviously is not going to work. You have to display these behaviors. You have to be more masculine than the girl that you’re with. So if you vacillate back and forth between being masculine and being like a girl, you’re going to ruin the sexual polarity because women are attracted to the masculinity. Feminine women are attracted to masculinity. If you act effeminate and girly, it ruins the sexual polarity because you’re basically acting like another chick.

Typically guys that grew up in families, kind of like the one I grew up in where my parents were just emotionless zombies, they never hugged us, other than when we were like real small. They never said, “I love you.” Never said, “I’m proud of you.” When you grow up in an environment like that as a kid, you start to wonder, “Why is it I don’t get the love that I want?” Obviously at some point, you’re going to kind of settle on the story that you tell yourself, which is, “Oh, it must be something wrong with me. I must be unloved and unlovable because there’s something wrong with me.” So when you believe that and you adopt that as your personal story, you’re desperate for reassurance because again, you never got, “I’m proud of you. I love you.” You never got that in childhood, so you’re desperate for it. When you get involved with a woman and she doesn’t treat you the way you want or expect, you try to force things, you try to shoehorn yourself into her life, you call and you text too much because you’re afraid if you don’t, that she’s going to disappear, women could pick up on that.

The number one strong characteristic that women are attracted to is confidence. Acting needy, neurotic, seeking her approval, looking for an attaboy, looking to be rewarded, when you do something right that’s not confident, it’s not attractive. It really turns women off. So if you’re vacillating back and forth between the two, like my client was from last night, you’re going to get a lot of hot and cold behavior. One moment she’s really into you and all over you, and as soon as you start acting like a girl again, it’s going to drive her away. So you have to be consistent.

You have to exercise emotional self control. That’s a hard thing that guys just have to learn to master, and the only real way to master it obviously is an understanding of the book. Most importantly, being in a relationship with a woman that makes you feel these things for, that makes you feel extreme attraction for her and vice versa. When you really care about her, you get downside risk. In other words, if you lose her, it’s going to hurt. You’re going to get your heart broken. So you try to force yourself into her life by calling, by texting too much, by lingering, by putting up with her little barbs when she’s disgusted by the weakness that you’re displaying, instead of calling her out and setting and forcing healthy boundaries. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. So this is a good email of what to avoid and how not to be like this guy.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach, 

I discovered your work when I was 17 and I read your book like six times over many years, which is shitty, I know. I’ve had a lot of success with women and figured I don’t need it…

Famous last words are, “I don’t need to read this 10 to 15 times, Coach. I’m special. I’m different. I’m your most advanced student.” All you have to do is get a guy like this around a girl that just knocks his socks off, and then he just turns into fucking jell-o.

…Until life kicked me in the balls. I had a girl and we were together for eight months. She was a virgin when we met and long story short, towards the end I was needy and approval-seeking and she broke it off. Then after a month, I called her up and we got back together for an extra month.

Remember, this is what the red pill guys tell you that you got to have. You got to have the virgin because she’ll never leave you. Well the reality is, if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. Even this virgin, his first experience, he acted like a bitch, she still dumped him and was repulsed by him. Instead of waiting for her to come back, because she’s the one that unilaterally ended the relationship, he held out for about a month. At that point, obviously her interest was creeping back up because they hadn’t spoken, but it would have been a lot better if he would have waited and held out longer and started dating other women and been practicing the book so when she did come back, she would find a more confident, more masculine version of him that’s got some cockiness and some swagger to him, and he wouldn’t be so inclined to allow her to treat him like a doormat and be a squishy SpongeBob kind of guy, but he held out for a month and then reached out.

That whole month she was very hot and cold some days.

Because it wasn’t her idea. You were pursuing her. She ditched you and then you went running after her, which is exactly the same kind of over-pursuing and needy behavior that got you dumped the first time around.

So he held out for 30 days, with no-contact for 30 days, re-engaged, started pursuing, started doing everything that he did to turn her off originally because he just didn’t want to control himself and his emotions, so he chased her out of his life. The first time he holds out for a whole month, starts chasing her again. It worked for a few weeks, but as you’ll see, he chases her right back out of his life again.

You must let women come to you at their pace. If you don’t, like in this case, she dumped him. Therefore, she unilaterally ended the terms or changed the terms of their relationship. Therefore, she fucked it up. She’s got to fix it. When you go groveling and chasing after somebody that dumps you and a month has gone by, her interest has crept back up, but not to the point where she was ready to reach out to you, her interest was higher than when they broke up, but since he started doing exactly the same behavior, it turned her off. Her interest started going back down again until she wasn’t feeling it anymore. Then she ditched him for the second time the whole month.

She tells me I was the love of her life…

Yeah. When you’re acting masculine, she’s feeling that.

…And showing me 9-10 range level interest and others she wouldn’t want to see me.

Probably when you’re acting like a girl and chasing and pursuing instead of letting her come to you, your inability to exercise self-control is unattractive because masculinity is calm. What’s going on here is you’re not calm, you’re freaked out about the whole thing, and you can’t be because being freaked out is unattractive. It’s unmasculine, and that’s why it’s repulsive to women.

Of course, I was always available and chasing too, which didn’t help.

Yeah again, the book‘s not going to help you if you either don’t read it or you do read it and then you do the opposite. Like he said, he thought he was an expert and didn’t need it anymore because he was getting laid. He didn’t correct his unattractive behavior and then over time, over the eight months that he was with her, he just kind of slowly reverted back to the way he always was because again, he never really took the time to learn it.

By the end of the month, she broke up and I told her, “Call me if you change your mind,” and she would call me two days later, but in the call she tells me that she wasn’t sure, so I told her to contact me when she is sure. So she contacted me 10 days later. I didn’t answer the call since I was working, so she blocked me…

You can tell she’s kind of insecure as well. Blocking him, unblocking him, blocking him back again.

… (By the way, I had read the book eight times in a month since the breakup and working towards the 15, so I had better understanding of what to do). 

Well that’s good, but you notice it wasn’t until he was in a lot of pain that he’s like, “OK, I’m going to read the book 10 to 15 times.” I mean, it’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. There’s no excuses.

I didn’t go chasing after she blocked me on WhatsApp and didn’t even ask her why she did it. Two weeks later, she replies to my stories and I did what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and we hung out, had fun and hooked up.

So he lets her reach out. She replies to one of his stories. I assume that means she sent some kind of a direct message to him. She wasn’t just like hearting his message. Then again, maybe that’s all she did, was heart his message. Then he starts pursuing again. It’s probably what he did. Maybe she sent him a direct message.

So he arranged a date in the evening at his place to make dinner together. They hung out, they had fun and they hooked up. So what should happen after that is when she leaves, he says, “Call me later.” Then the next time she reaches out, same thing. Invites her over, they make dinner, they hook up. So you should do this for at least three dates in a row. Make her come to you and make dinner. As long as you hook up all three times in a row, then you can meet her out and pick her up after that, but you got to let her do all the pursuit and all the reaching out.

She give me a letter that day that says basically that I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her and how I was just a dream and dreams have to end and some dumb shit like that.

The whole issue here is it doesn’t matter what a great guy he is or if he was her first. None of that shit matters. The only thing that matters is how she feels about him. What’s going on is that sometimes she’s really feeling attracted, and other times she’s totally repulsed and doesn’t want to be with him. Most women don’t understand how attraction works or why certain things a man does turns them on, and yet other things completely turn her off. All I know is that their feelings have changed, and that’s most important.

Based on his constant vacillation back and forth between acting like a man and acting like a girl, she’s turned on, she’s turned off, she’s turned on, she’s turned off, at some point she just starts to think, “It’s just never going to get any better.” Plus, the more he interacts with her and the more he pursues and her interest continues to drop, that’s why you get a letter like this saying, “Well, dreams have to end sometime,” because in her mind, in her heart, her feelings are not going to change consistently enough for her to feel like she wants to still be with this guy. The reality is, even after the breakup and he went no-contact when they started interacting again, his behavior never really changed.

I didn’t react when I read it after she left and didn’t call or text. Five days later, she called and told me that she showed up in my MMA gym (Her friend works there) and didn’t see me (That was the only day I didn’t go, LOL). So I told her to come over and she said, “It’s best that we don’t see each other,” so I told her to give me a call if she changed her mind. Minutes later, she replied to my story asking me about a girl that was modeling for my business because I knew her personally and she knew that this girl liked me. After I answered, she removed me from all social media. I’m not giving her any reaction. It’s been two weeks and it’s been six weeks since the initial breakup. 

Well, it is pretty childish and immature on her part, but again, she’s young. Both these two are young. You kind of see that stuff a lot. People that are late teenage years, early 20s, they do silly things like that.

I’m living my purpose, training and working hard everyday. I feel like I’m doing everything right and I’m also talking to other women. Like I mentioned before, I read the book eight times in the last month and will read it until I hit 20 times, but I still think about her everyday. Do you think she’s coming back?

Flip a coin, dude! Where you went wrong is initially you held out for 30 days, but what if it would have taken 45 days? What if it was two months and you had let her reach out? Then when she did come back, you let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing instead of all this vacillation back and forth. When you go no-contact, you want to improve to when if she does reach back out, she finds a more confident, cockier, more masculine version of you. Instead, you couldn’t handle it after 30 days. Then you reached back out and then you went right back to exactly the same behavior that turned her off the first time. As predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west, you chased her right out of your life again.

I think that her hooking up and being very loving on our date and her reaching out four times means that her interest is definitely above five. 

Bob

I’d say it’s out of five.

The other thing you got to keep in mind is that you haven’t heard from her in two weeks. So it may be a month, it may be two months, she may be dating another guy. You don’t really know what’s going on, but you got to be consistent. You got to let her come to you. She pumped the brakes, she blocked you everywhere. Therefore, you should assume that it’s over and you’ll probably never, ever hear from her again. You have to learn this stuff, because if you don’t master the stuff that’s in the book, the next time you meet a girl that makes you feel this way and who feels the same way about you, at least initially, you’re going to turn her off for exactly the same reasons. You have to get this behavior corrected. It’s unattractive. Same thing, whoever the masculine essence, and I’m talking like gay and lesbian relationships as well, whoever the masculine person is, you act like a chick, you’re going to turn your partner off. It’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.

You got to be more consistent. You should be practicing the book like you are doing and getting better, so if she does reach out in the future, you could be consistent and employ the things that are in the book consistently. The reason she’s hot and cold is because that’s a reflection of you going back and forth between acting like a man and letting her come to you, and then acting like a girl and being needy, neurotic, seeking her approval, that kind of thing. You’re supposed to be more masculine than she is. When you’re not, when it’s back and forth, this is why you get the hot and cold behavior.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.