How to avoid over pursuing and smothering women to prevent unnecessary rejection and heartbreak.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is heartbroken after finding my work a little too late to course correct after smothering, over pursuing and acting like an overly emotional jack-in-the-box. While on a trip together he lost his cool and she abruptly ended the relationship. He’s about to send an email to unwind some travel plans they had together and wish her the best, and asks if there is anything he can do to turn it around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Why Over Pursuing And Smothering Women Leads To Rejection And How To Avoid It.
Well, I’ve got an email from a guy who says he started dating somebody about six weeks ago, and got into a relationship. This was all before he found out about my work, so he hadn’t been through the book. So, you guys that are veterans have been here for a while. There’s a lot of mistakes in his email that he made that he really didn’t realize at the time that he was making. So recently, they were on a trip and he got upset with her and lost his shit, basically, and she broke things off.
But what he realized is even 2 or 3 weeks before the breakup, that she kept asking subtly for space and he just disregarded it and kept his foot down on the on a pedal going full speed ahead. And so now he’s gotten dumped and blown off. But he’s got a couple things he’s got. I guess he had some other trips planned with her. So he’s got to unwind this stuff.
And so he’s wondering what he can do, if anything, at this point to re-attract her because she tried to friend zone him and he said no to that. But he says he has to contact her to unwind this trip. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or maybe he’s just bullshitting himself to come up with a reason to reach out and take another Hail Mary shot at trying to get her to pay attention to him.
But you can tell throughout the whole email he’s over pursuing her from the get go and trying to lock her down pretty much as soon as they start dating. She went along with it, but you could tell she never really was feeling into it. And then as soon as he blew up at her while they were on vacation together, you know, she used that to torpedo the relationship and break things off.
And oftentimes that’s what happens. Women will guys think because the girl is with them, that they care and they love them, but then they have a simple argument over something silly. And then she’s like, That’s it. That’s the end of it.
Or the woman picks a fight and then ends it over something that’s really innocuous and stupid. And what it really was she picked a fight and she didn’t break up with him because of that one thing that she picked the fight over that just happened to be the excuse to end it. So let’s go through his email.
Dear Coach Wayne,
I sit heartbroken. Your work has helped me more than I can ever relay, and my $200 donation,
Which I always appreciate. And for those of you that are inclined to make a donation, you can go to my website and click the donate button on the bottom of any page of my website and feel free to donate.
Reflects just a fraction of the value you’ve provided to me personally. Playing your videos in the background as I attempt to fall asleep the last two days has been a godsend.
Six weeks ago I began a journey with a woman I met randomly in my community, the first compelling prospect after two years of self-imposed post-divorce hiatus. I was at 50% or more of initiating, making most of the effort, etc.
Yeah, that’s way too much. As it says in the book, guys shouldn’t be doing more than 20 or 30%. And when it’s 50 50, all you’re going to do is elicit feelings of platonic friendship. And obviously whenever I’m doing a phone session, that’s one of the first things I ask a guy is like what percentage you reach out to her first versus her reaching out to you first. Every time I hear 50 50, I know at some point he’s going to tell me he got friend zoned or dumped.
It’s usually the friend zoning is what happens because that’s what it does. It elicits feelings of platonic friendship in her because there’s never enough time and space away from her to cause her to wonder about you and to think about you and to miss you. Because remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
I also requested dating exclusivity after the first “true” dinner date (after two lunch dates).
And I guess the first two dates were lunch dates. So those are platonic things when you’re asking a girl to lunch dates. So everything you’re doing in the beginning is giving off the platonic friendship vibe.
She did agree to exclusivity, but in the end it was not a true commitment.
So she was just going along with it. Because if it’s her asking you to be exclusive, then you’re in a much better position leverage wise. But when you basically have one date in the evening and you’re asking her to be exclusive, it’s like. You got no leverage. She hasn’t had time to emotionally bond with you yet.
To be fair, I didn’t discover your work until about 2-3 weeks after I met her, and I realized I had made many mistakes and attempted to course correct ASAP.
She is my exact physical type, intelligent, kind, empathetic, fun and witty. She also had glaring red flags: avoidant attachment style, rebounded (2 months since break of a 1 year relationship with bf in same workplace.)
So she’s seeing her ex every day as well. And more likely, he’s trying to get back together with her. So you got that working against you.
Pair bonding concerns, family issues, life traumas, etc., But of course I, the moth, decided to dance in the flames, so enchanted was I. She was and is actively working on her issues, and that allayed my concerns.
We became intimate about a month in. I had been playing well after applying your principles: being fun and mysterious, charming, teasing, and funny. Most importantly, being imperturbable,
You mean unperturbedable.
And steady made her feel safe, heard and understood. I mostly didn’t over pursue, but I was clearly projecting interest.
Yeah, you were way more into her than she was into you. And she knew it. She could feel it.
The relationship seemed one-sided a lot of the time.
Yeah, because you’re putting in all the effort and you’re doing all the pursuing even though you thought you were not. Because if she’s asking for space, that means you’re over pursuing.
She was probably a 6 interest level in hindsight, but it was humming along.
This past weekend was a big one: our first weekend getaway. Day one was a dream, I wined and dined, we made love, and ended in a deeper connection where we made plans for the future and she said she told me things that she had never told another soul. I was on cloud 9. The next day, she became distant and aloof.
Women are like cats. They get moody. It happens.
This is where I made the critical error. Her distance affected me and mounted throughout the day, culminating in me becoming “butt-hurt”, perturbed, and emotional.
Yeah, women want you to be more masculine than they are. And when you get overly emotional and start acting like a girl, that’s a total turnoff.
We were both exhausted from hiking, and after dinner she said she’d just like to go to sleep. In response, I stormed out of the room with barely a word. I returned two hours later after watching a movie in the lobby and slept on the sofa.
The next morning I had sorted out my feelings and was prepared to talk and apologize. She unceremoniously and unilaterally ended the relationship on the spot, saying she needed to work on herself before she could be fully in a relationship. Just like that, her attraction was gone: my butt-hurt moved me from “safe” to “not safe.” I thought I had more wiggle room.
Well, you were doing all the pursuing. And she was just going along with it. So this is not surprising at all, especially with her interest only a six or a five.
In retrospect I also realized she had been gently asking for space the last 2-3 weeks, which I heard but disregarded.
Yeah, so you never really stopped over pursuing. It was constant. That’s why it was so easy for her to break it off the first time you. It wasn’t because you got butthurt the night before. She was looking for a reason to ditch you because her interest was low. And when you did that, she was already turned off. And she’s like, Screw this guy.
She attempted to friend-zone me but I responded with all or nothing, which she seemed to accept, and I of course added, the “if anything changes, hit me up”.
I’m on day two of no contact. I need to send a final administrative email (settle up travel plans and other commitments we made that now have to be unwound.)
What does that mean? She’s paid for it because unless she’s paying for it and you need money from her or whatever, I would just go and cancel the plans. And besides, you shouldn’t be making multiple dates, multiple weeks in advance. And so you are on a trip and you already had another one planned. It’s like you’re definitely not following what’s in the book.
It looks like you slowed down a little bit. You’re over pursuit, but you still kept the hammer down and kept moving forward and didn’t realize it because, as he said, she had been constantly asking for space, but he just disregarded it. Because he is afraid of losing her.
So he was afraid if he didn’t force himself into her life and that’s why he had multiple weekend getaways set up with her because he was afraid if he didn’t get her to commit to the plans when she was there, that she wouldn’t want to see them. And women can feel this. They can sense it. You’re not fooling anybody.
But after I will fully go No Contact.
Well, when I see that, usually that looks like you’re making an excuse to reach out and do another Hail Mary and beg for her forgiveness and her to give you another chance, which is the opposite of what you should be doing. Your attitude should be, Hey, never try to keep somebody in your life that doesn’t want to keep you in theirs.
You told her to get in touch if she ever changed her mind. And good luck to you. But now you say you’ve got to reach out for travel plans. It’s like unless there’s money that’s got to be refunded, It’s like, I would not call her, text her for any reason unless you have to again.
So like I say, when I see this, I’m like, Are you just making an excuse to contact her or do you really need to talk to her about these plans? Because if you invited her somewhere, I assume you bought the tickets and you paid for it. So if that’s the case, then you’re going to get your refund and go on with your life.
I wanted to include a brief apology for how I behaved that night, right before I do a final “if anything changes” please get in touch.
Well, dude, you already told her if anything changes, get in touch. You don’t need to reiterate that. The only reason you want to reiterate that is that you’re hoping to interact with her and that interaction will cause her to be interested in you again. And that’s the wrong mindset, bro.
If you can provide any insight on any of the above, it would be much appreciated.
Well, like I said, the only reason you should be reaching out with an administrative email is if you absolutely need her to engage with it. But if it’s something where you bought the tickets and you paid for it, then get your own money back and don’t involve her and don’t. No contact means no contact. That means unless you hear from her, the two of you will never, ever speak again as long as you live. That’s what no contact means. It doesn’t mean you don’t contact her for a few days. And when you can’t take it anymore, you come up with excuses to keep reaching out. So you should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, unwind the trip yourself and don’t involve her. Because it looks to me like more than likely because I don’t this a long time, you’re just looking for an excuse to reach out again.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur