Why women get turned off and back away when you act dopey & desperate for attention & validation.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email update from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter, “Should I Commit To Her After Only 2 Dates?” He is still acting dopey and desperate to get a girlfriend, but once again, he turned a new woman he met off after several weeks of dating because he started making all the same mistakes again.
He acted soft and dopey when they were together and started getting drunk on his feelings and thinking about their future. Even buying promise rings after only a few weeks of dating. She lost interest and backed away and he misinterpreted this to mean the end of things and so he broke it off completely instead of simply backing off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is an email update from the same guy whose previous email I answered in a video newsletter a couple of months ago, “Should I Commit To Her After Only 2 Dates?”
So one of the things that this guy has a problem with is that he tends to get too dopey and all up in his feelings and his emotions. As soon as that happens, he totally suspends any logic looking at his actions and how he’s showing up and being able to remain in a state where he’s vetting whoever he happens to be dating. What happens is as soon as he decides he likes her, it’s like everything goes out the window. His discernment goes out the window, he’s being skeptical goes out the window, and he’s in la-la-land.
After this previous email, the one that I answered, “Should I Commit To Her After Only 2 Dates?” He got back into the book, started doing well again, met another girl who was super into him, and then he got all dopey and he said even though she was doing 100% of the pursuing, she basically backed away, but he made a mistake because she’s like, “Well hey, let’s just go back to being friends with benefits,” and he’s like, “I can’t do that. It’s all or nothing.” I don’t think that they were even in an exclusive relationship yet because this thing went so fast. It went to 0 to 100 and then from 100 to 0 in a really quick period of time.
What’s good about this email is it illustrates the subtleness of backing off, because you realize you pursued too much, you’ve turned her off. Whatever reason, she’s backing away. Instead of just ending the relationship, you just want to match and mirror those actions, because as I discussed in 3% Man, the relationship portion of things is all feminine energy, so it’s up to her.
A man’s job in the courtship really is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. When he makes her feel safe and comfortable and he does a good job on dates, the sex is good, she’s doing most of the pursuing, it’s her idea, then she’s going to try to lock him down to a commitment.
Either way, as a man, you shouldn’t be bothered or perturbed one way or another. You’re cool just casually dating. You’re cool being a little more serious. Either way, it’s OK because that’s what indifference is, because love is allowing. So you’re allowing her to be really hot for you. Then you’re also allowing her to cool off because as a man, you understand your love for yourself and your own validation does not come from a chick. It comes from you.
Therefore, if one of the women that you’re allowing to love you is not loving you as much or putting as much effort or attention in for whatever reason. In this case, this guy started acting dopey and squishy and soft, and so she backed off. He should just simply be able to recognize that she’s backed off and then match and mirror that behavior and not be like, “Oh, it’s all or nothing. Relationship or bust,” because it’s obvious that she started getting turned off and she started saying things because she was feeling like she’s losing her freedom. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
So he started getting to the territory where that was no longer happening. The idea is you want to be subtle with these things. You don’t want to be abrupt and slam on the brakes and you’re out of here, because this shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but he made it into a much bigger deal than it was because he got all wrapped up emotionally.
Hello, Coach Corey!
This is the 20-year-old viewer from the email you answered in your video titled, “Should I Commit To Her After Only 2 Dates?” Not surprisingly, things didn’t work out with the BPD girl…
Borderline Personality Disorder girl. Yeah, if you’re on two dates and she’s trying to lock you down, that’s typically the hallmark of somebody who’s really super insecure. Plus, if you agree to it like this guy did, a couple of weeks later, she’ll waffle on you.
…As she turned out to be very toxic and emotionally abusive to me, on top of being a serial monkey-brancher. Thank God I never got serious with her.
Well that’s why you date, because a lot of guys, especially dudes in the Red Pill community, get mixed up with women like this, and then they go, “All women are like this.”
You got to understand, there’s two types of women. There’s the type of women that you have a long term relationship with, you potentially have a family with you potentially raise children with. Then there are the party girls, the hookup girls, the girls that are hot, they’re fun, they’re a little crazy, but you’re not going to get serious with them.
Too many guys get involved with these girls. They see the girl monkey branch and instead of going, “Oh, it’s the end of the world,” he goes, “Oh OK well, this is just a girl for fun. No big deal. You don’t really care,” and you’re kind of glad that she’s got some other dudes. Obviously wear a raincoat, but you don’t get all wrapped up and try to have a relationship with somebody that is really just a party girl and a hookup girl. You’re trying to see, are our values compatible?
But I’ve now moved to my new state and feel much happier. However, this is where things get interesting, and I need you to rip me a new one in one of your videos…
I think he was moving to another state in the last one, so now he’s completed his move.
…Because I guess I let my emotions get the best of me and went back to cherry picking your material despite being a hardcore reader of your book, lol.
Well, it’s one thing to read the book, but the most important thing is the experience. This is your process. You’re learning the book and you’re applying it and you’re making mistakes, and then obviously you send your emails and I help you fine tune and tweak your approach to where you just become very intuitive like I am, and you can just read and tell where women are.
I really don’t think the things I did were that big of a deal, but they still seemed to have driven this girl away, to which I’m kind of shocked:
Well I mean, if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. If you act all dopey and unworthy when you’re with a girl and you pedestalize her and you start acting soft and squishy and you let her walk all over you and treat you like a doormat? Yeah, she’s going to lose attraction, because you’re supposed to love yourself and value yourself and be strong enough to not let a woman walk all over you and push you around when she starts testing your strength to see what you’re made of. They all do it.
I’ve seen in the comments, often guys get pissed off at that, “Can’t believe women. They should just be normal and say what they mean.” Well then, they would be dudes and you wouldn’t be so into them. Come on.
I downloaded Hinge and met this girl who liked me first (I don’t swipe anymore and let women swipe on me first now, thanks to your book. A little life hack for your viewers!)
I mean, when you look at online dating, the odds are slanted in a woman’s favor. Especially when you look at the fact, data shows us that 80% of the women have their height filters set on like six feet and above. For those dudes that are a little shorter than six feet, you’ve basically got like 80% of the women never going to see your profile.
You’re going to be swiping on a lot of girls that are never going to see you anyways, and it makes you feel like you’re doing something and accomplish things and you’re like, “Wow, there’s so many girls here,” but most of them aren’t going to see your profile if you’re under six feet tall.
The key is that you’re looking for enthusiasm. A woman who’s super into you. The reality is women do the choosing, so create the conditions where you let them do the choosing. Create a great profile that causes women to read through it and go, “Oh, wait, he’s describing me. Let me reach out to this guy. Let me like his profile. Let me send him a message,” or whatever. That’s the way you should be doing it, instead of just sending hundreds and thousands of emails and mostly getting totally ignored.
It’s much more efficient to create a good profile, like I talk about in my book, with the mindset of getting women to reach out to you first, because they will do that. It makes it a lot easier, and you’re trying to not waste a lot of time.
Those of you guys that have been on the dating apps, especially when you’re on several of them and you live in a pretty decent sized city, you could spend several hours a day just swiping. Then you get a message. Then messages turn into phone calls. Phone calls turn into, if they sound good on the phone, going out on dates in person. So it can be like a second job for those of you guys that are really avid online daters. You want to work smarter, not harder.
We had an instant connection, as we are both disabled (she’s partially deaf and I’m autistic) and she was SUPER into me in the beginning, as was I. Things were easy and effortless. We went out the next day after we matched.
Obviously, she’s enthusiastic.
She was texting me multiple times a day, would write me massive paragraphs about how amazing I made her feel after our dates, would never give me a chance to ask her out because she was always asking ME out and making plans right after our dates, and would insist on paying for all of our dates.
Well, that’s pretty nice.
I genuinely thought I had found the perfect girl.
Remember, the phone is for setting dates dude. Especially you younger guys, you get in the habit of, “Oh well, this is just what our generation does. We just text all the time. You don’t understand, Corey.” Like OK, sure.
Things started going downhill after my mindset shift after our first date.
So he had one date and he’s like, “Ahh! Mommy, Mommy!”
I liked her so much, that I switched my mental 90 day probation rule, to 30 days…
That’s it. You’re going to get a 30 day probation because you’re so awesome.
…Because I was desperate to make things easier for her to ask me to be her boyfriend (bad move, I know).
You want to go slower than she does, and she will like you more if she has to work for it. If you make it super easy because you’re desperate and you’re needy and you’re desperate for a girlfriend, you’re going to try to speed things up and rush them, then it’s going to start to feel like it’s not her idea.
Remember, love is allowing. You’re just trying to create a space to where you can allow her the space to love you or not, because again, love is allowing. You allow her to come and go. When you give her that freedom, she’s going to choose to stay more and more until she’s stuck to you like a sucker fish. Then you can’t get rid of her.
She then said something along the lines of, “I wish we could be together sooner,” during one of our dates.
I don’t know if she actually meant that, or was just saying what she felt in the moment, but instead of knowing better and asking, “What do you mean?” I just assumed she was asking me out right then and there…
So everything in his mind is like, “Oh yeah, I’m in. This is my future wife. We’re going to be together forever. This is amazing. She’s so goo-goo ga-ga over me. I’m so awesome.” He overrates her interest.
…And replied, “I’d like us to wait until after 30 days before you ask me out. Ask me again on August 1st or after.” Like a robot!
“I like us to wait until after 30 days before you ask me out. Ask me again on August 1st or after I have this blue book. Uh, I have the secrets. Cheat code.”
Then, during our following dates, because it SEEMED like we were on the same page emotionally (her interested appeared to be an 8-9)…
He overrated it, obviously.
…I thought it was OUR plan for her to ask me out on August 1st, and I would not shut the fuck up about that.
Yeah, this is why you read it 10-15 times. You get to know it backwards and forwards so you can teach a class on it. Then you’re not trying to copy and paste things from the book or videos because you don’t really have a good grasp on it. That’s the problem.
That’s what you’re doing here. You’re trying to copy and paste something you really couldn’t remember what it was, or maybe something you saw on a video. You don’t learn the book. Try to tell you guys.
I got so dopey, stopped going out with this other girl I was seeing as well because I thought me and this girl were getting serious, and even bought us promise rings…
Come on, dude. Promise rings already? That’s something you do like after a couple of years of dating, bro. Promise rings, quite frankly, like teenagers or kids do those things.
…For when I thought she would ask me on that day (which she never knew about, thank God).
So when she asked you on August 1st you’re like, “Hey, here’s the promise ring. We’re getting married, babe.” Come on.
I’m now positive that she could probably sense my neediness.
Oh yeah? If she backed off, she sensed it.
Even though she did 100% of the pursing and we were still going out on dates, her texts would become less frequent, she’d take forever to respond to the messages I’d reply to her, and sometimes I’d never hear from her all day…
The whole day. Oh my God. What did you do? How did you handle it? Not hearing from her all day?
…Before she’d come back with, “Hey, hope you’re having a wonderful day! I’m so sorry for not texting. I’ve been busy with work. I don’t know if you’re just putting up with it or genuinely don’t bat an eye at all to me not texting you, but l appreciate it and I appreciate you.”
So what she’s saying is, “Hey, I’m liking the fact you haven’t come unglued because I’m not texting you as much.” The reason she’s not texting you as much? Simple. She’s not feeling like she wants to. That’s it. That’s all it is. It is not a big deal.
That also tells me that he got too much into texting, talking and being in constant contact all the time because he was acting dopey.
She’s commented a few times on how she’s surprised I never reach out to her.
During our last and most recent date, I could tell something was off. But before I got the chance to ask her, she said, “I need to tell you that I’m honestly not looking for a relationship right now. I still think I want us to go out, but I think we should just be friends with benefits instead.”
In other words, you need to slow down dude. “I’m not ready to be in a relationship. I know you got those promise rings because I saw the video on Coach Corey Wayne’s channel. Whoa, promise rings already? We’re not even exclusive yet.” Come on, dude.
That truly broke me. I said I was OK with that, but honestly, I know something strictly casual isn’t what I want.
Dude, you’re not in a relationship. Again, this is the opposite of what the book teaches. You’re just there to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. All she’s trying to communicate to you is, “Slow down, dude. Slow your roll. This feels like a relationship. We’re just kind of casually dating.”
So all she’s doing is communicating where she’s at, and you’re like, “That’s it, I’m out of here. You don’t want me as a boyfriend. I’m out. I even bought promise rings. I can’t believe this.”
So after that date, I texted her and told her I wasn’t interested in friends with benefits at this point in my life…
Dude, that’s what you were.
…And to call me whenever she felt open to dating and seeing where things go again.
You’re basically saying, “Hey, call me when you want to have a relationship with me.” Like, come on, bro. This is not what the book teaches. What are you doing? You’re trying to lock her down to a commitment. You became so focused on that, and as soon as she gave you something other than being in the same place, you freaked out like, “That’s it. That’s over. I’m taking my toys and going home to my mommy. At least she gives me pats on the head.”
She was stunned, and wrote me a giant essay about how much she will miss me, but understands where I’m coming from, and hopes that this isn’t the end of our story, just a “break for now.”
That’s where I am right now, Coach. Is there any hope left for us potentially?
Stop focusing on a relationship, bro. Your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen and hang out, have fun, hook up. You’re trying to play both roles in the relationship. You’re trying to be the man in the relationship and you’re trying to be the woman. That’s exhausting. Come on, dude.
I’m honestly not sure if it’d be even worth my time to take back a woman who rejected me.
Well, she rejected you because you started pedestalizing her, kissing her ass, treating her like a celebrity, trying to lock her down and you were smothering her, even though she supposedly was doing all the pursuing like you say. When you got together in person, you’re communicating that you can’t live without her. Again, you already got promise rings.
If you’re buying promise rings, you’re already thinking, “This is going to be my wife.” You’re treating her like your girlfriend and your wife. Then as soon as you notice she’s not on the same page, you flip out, get butt-hurt, get perturbed and you just blow the whole thing up. That’s just stupid.
This is how you learn. You make mistakes and you learn. You read the book. I did a lot of fucking up and I did a lot worse things than you did.
On top of that, we also have some different political views that might be a potential red flag for me, but nothing too big of a deal breaker. Though it did rub me the wrong when she laughed after I told her I was passionate about men’s rights. What do you think coach? Is it worth it if she comes back?
Thanks again for all that you do!
Dude, it’s like you were barely dating. You already bought promise rings and you already made up your mind that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this girl. It’s like, come on, dude. Slow down. What does it say? Go slightly slower than she is. There is no way you should be buying promise rings after a few weeks of dating. That is fucking absurd. Come on, man. Seriously dude, that is just ridiculous.
Your behavior has improved since the first time you emailed me, but soon as you got a little taste there, it’s like as you said, after the first date, everything went right out the window and you went right back to behaving exactly the way you did before. You started turning this girl off.
You didn’t turn her off completely. All she’s just saying is, she wasn’t cutting you off from sex or anything. She’s just saying, “I’m not ready for dating or relationship labels or being in a relationship or a commitment. I’m not in the same place.”
Remember, this guy’s already bought promise rings, and she’s like, “Whoa hey, slow down.” She doesn’t feel free. She feels suffocated. That’s why she said that. So you misinterpreted it and you’re like, “It’s all over.” Then you blew it up. So that was kind of silly.
What I would do in this case, be congruent with what you said. Wait to hear from her. Assume she wants to see you. If she does reach out, make the next date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Very simple.
You don’t become exclusive until she is wanting to be exclusive. You got to follow the book dude. You can’t just cherry pick and try to copy and paste a few lines and things because you totally misinterpreted this and you just completely blew something up that didn’t need to be blown up.
You just got to take it and recognize, “OK well, let me back off a little bit and maybe get my money back on those promise rings,” and any other stupid things he might have done. It’s like, come on.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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